If you’ve followed this site for a while, you might remember that I like to respond to my spam mails. It all started seven years ago, when a man named Jon Wire from the “United Bank of Africoan” promised me an ATM card of some sort, so I responded as a man named Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, who was raised by wolves. The following season, I received e-mails from Richard Held and Loon Bruce, who told me I won a Facebook Award, which comes with a “lump sum pay out of (750,000.00 GBP).” Pretending to be Matthew Millen Kim, I sent out my application and fake money.
I’ve been messing around with spammers ever since, pretending to be Aaron Hernandez, Tom Brady and Walter White. I’ll have new answers to Spam Mails here, so check them out if you want to see me screw with spammers!
Before we try out some new fake people to pretend to be, let’s use a classic:
The good old Walter White trick never fails. Let’s see if this bozo has ever heard of Breaking Bad:
Oh no, not Haji Abdul Razzaq Yaqoob Abdul Jabbar! I can’t believe he died!
Here’s what I wrote back:
Unfortunately, Zainab did not meet the deadline, as I did not hear from him again. I guess I’ll be selling drugs to his competitors.
Here’s a new spamming angle I’ve never seen before:
WTF, this guy is trying to con me into buying soccer balls? And what is a “Foot Sal Ball?” Also, maybe I just have a childish sense of humor, but does anyone else find it funny that Mr. Butt is trying to sell balls?
The “Sal” part of “Foot Sal Ball” sparked this response:
It looks like Mr. Butt was hurt by my anti-spammer tactics. Get it? Butt hurt? I told you I had a childish sense of humor.
This spammer sent me a Google calendar notice for some reason:
The family members of the late, great Mr. John Charles want to kill Diane Laws? Oh no! Time to pretend to be someone ruthless!
I doubt spammers have HBO in their countries, so I highly doubt Ms. Diane Laws will have any idea whom I’m talking about.
Ms. Diane Laws actually replied to me pretending to be Jaqen H’ghar, which I regrettably misspelled in my e-mail to her. Has my assassin’s cover been blown?
This e-mail goes on for like 10 more paragraphs with the same nonsense. I was disappointed that she used my real name. I made it a point to correct Ms. Diane Laws:
I like how she referred to my reply as a “kind e-mail.” What the hell was kind about it, exactly?
I needed to straighten Ms. Diane Laws out about who I really am, or perhaps she’ll be the one meeting the Many-Faced God:
Unfortunately, Ms. Diane Laws didn’t respond. In hindsight, I guess speaking like the enigmatic Jaqen wasn’t a great tactic to use with poor-English-speaking spammers. But, as one NFL Hall of Fame running back once said, “hindsight is 50-50.” Half the time there is hindsight; half the time there is not.
This might be the laziest spammer I’ve ever seen:
Seriously, no backstory at all? No reason why you’re donating this to me? You’re not a refugee from Somalia? Your husband wasn’t murdered my terrorists? You’re just giving me $5 million on a whim? Where the hell is the effort? I’m actually kind of insulted.
Here’s my reply:
If I didn’t have such a fun time doing this, I’d find it a bit depressing that I put more effort into my reply than Mavis did into her initial e-mail.
No luck hearing from Mavis, so here’s someone else:
A couple of things: First, I love the subject of this e-mail. “Hi Man.” How generic. Second, why does Sarea say “I am also 31 years Old?” Why “also?” Why does she assume I’m 31? That seems like quite the gamble. I was 35 when I received this e-mail, so I wasn’t fooled!
Oh boy, Harvey is going to have a fun time in the shower with this one!
Here’s a spammer who put more effort into her craft:
How can I not help the only biological daughter of Col. Muammar Al-Qaddafi?
If you don’t understand this reference at all, you need to stop doing what you’re doing right now and watch the 80s movie Trading Places starring Eddie Murphy. You won’t be disappointed.
A fake lawyer decided to contact me:
This one almost seemed like low-hanging fruit. The only question is: Has this spammer ever seen Seinfeld?
I asked last week if Barrister Robert Williams has ever seen Seinfeld. Apparently not!
Time to fill out some fake information!
If you’re wondering, that’s Jerry Seinfeld’s actual information. The address and phone number belong to his agent. I wish I could’ve seen the look on his agent’s face when he got that call!
Barrister Robert Williams replied to me again, though his e-mail was very strange:
I’m so confused. Why did he call me Maurice? I’ve never once referred to myself as Maurice. Also, why did he ask for my information again? I just gave it to him. Why is he the worst spammer ever? Like, seriously, if there was a corporation that employed spammers, this guy would’ve been fired already.
I do find it hilarious though that he referred to his client as Mr. Alexander Seinfeld. At least he’s reading some of the words in my e-mail!
Hopefully he’ll actually call the number this time!
I didn’t hear back from Barrister Robert Williams. Luckily, countless other spammers contacted me, including this one:
An opportunity to make money made me think of one of the main characters from Billions:
I wonder if Sanchio will take me up on my offer. Who can resist making money with the highest integrity?
Sanchio never replied, but perhaps this one will:
Wow, this woman has two middle names, and one of them is Warlord. How cool is that!? I’m so disappointed that my parents didn’t name me Walter Warlord Cherepinsky. If you’re about to have a child, make sure you make “Warlord” their middle name!
Here’s my reply:
Hopefully Miss Maria Warlord e-mails me back; otherwise, I won’t be able to stop Shareef Ala-Kalamba Aroushufa Assaan-Kaboom Alabama-Farid before the day is over.
Shareef Ala-Kalamba Aroushufa Assaan-Kaboom Alabama-Farid escaped and destroyed the country because Miss Maria Warlord didn’t e-mail me back. That sucks. Here’s another spam mail, however:
I was disappointed that a previous spammer didn’t reply to me when I pretended to be Harvey Weinstein, so I’m going to try again:
Hopefully I have more success trying to fool Brother Elder Collins.
Brother Elder Collins actually replied to me when I pretended to be Harvey Weinstein!
I love having opportunities to put down fake information:
As with the Jerry Seinfeld post, this is Weinstein’s actual information. The address and phone number belong to his agency, so hopefully someone over there got a call for Harvey to join the Illuminati Kingdom!
I don’t know if the Illuminati Kingdom called Harvey Weinstein’s agency, but they did reply once again:
Ah wow, surprise, surprise. They want me to buy something! I never would have imagined that the Illuminati Kingdom would be asking for up-front money.
My reply:
I can’t wait to see which women Harvey will turn into stars!
Unfortunately, the Illuminati Kingdom stopped trying to contact Harvey Weinstein before he could see pictures of the women in the occult. How horrible!
The good news is that the spam mail never stops flowing:
This seems like it could emerge into quite the tasty e-mail exchange.
Rebecca did, in fact, e-mail me back, proving that she has never seen Silence of the Lambs or the show Hannibal. I don’t look forward to the day that spammers aren’t caught up on pop culture!
I feel like any normal people reading my e-mails would’ve been creeped out by now, but as we all know, spammers are sick psychopaths, so I doubt that this “Rebecca” person will be fazed at all.
Rebecca replied once again, asking Hannibal Lecter lots of questions about himself:
How about, “Do you eat people?” or “What sort of people do you eat?” or “Do you plan to eat me?”
Here’s my response:
Do you think she’ll finally realize that I’m planning on eating her?
Rebecca replied once again, asking Hannibal Lecter lots of questions about himself:
How about, “Do you eat people?” or “What sort of people do you eat?” or “Do you plan to eat me?”
Here’s my response:
Do you think she’ll finally realize that I’m planning on eating her?
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