2011 NFL Power Rankings

My pre-free agency 2011 NFL Power Rankings.

I’m going to use these rankings as the order for my 2012 NFL Mock Draft updates.

I’ve gone from WORST to FIRST, so if you don’t see reverse numbering (via Javascript), don’t worry; the Panthers, Redskins and Broncos aren’t my top teams.

Updated: 9/5

Seattle Seahawks (7-9) – Previously: 31.
Warren Sapp said it best when discussing why Tarvaris Jackson is Seattle’s starting quarterback:

“Darrell Bevell must have pictures of Pete Carroll doin’ something nasty because this doesn’t make any sense.”

And that is why Seattle is No. 32 in my 2011 NFL Power Rankings.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 2-14
Cincinnati Bengals (4-12) – Previously: 28.
Why do I get the feeling that Carson Palmer was a fat douche when he was a kid? In fact, I believe he grew up in a small Colorado town.

“I have $80 million in the bank. Screw you guys, I’m going home.”

2011 NFL Projected Record: 3-13
San Francisco 49ers (6-10) – Previously: 18.
When a giant nuclear bomb destroys the entire planet, two things will survive: cockroaches and Alex Smith. How is this guy still the starting quarterback of an NFL team?

2011 NFL Projected Record: 4-12
Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9) – Previously: 27.
I really get the feeling that this team is going to quit on lame-duck coach Jack Del Rio and the lazy David Garrard, much like the Panthers gave up on John Fox.

By the way, I have the Jaguars ahead of the 49ers, but with a worse record because the former has a tougher schedule. I still get the feeling that I’m going to receive e-mails and comments like, “THIZ DUMA$$ CANT EVAN GET THE ORDER RITE LOLZ!!!!!!1”

2011 NFL Projected Record: 3-13
Carolina Panthers (2-14) – Previously: 25.
Cam Newton’s mechanics are awful, and he’s nowhere near ready to be a starting quarterback in this league. But like Vince Young in 2006, he’ll run around, make things happen and win some games. I’ll be mildly surprised if Carolina has the No. 1 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 4-12
Miami Dolphins (7-9) – Previously: 20.
If you think the Dolphins are going to be good this year, check out this picture. Yeah, they’re screwed.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 4-12
Oakland Raiders (8-8) – Previously: 23.
I can’t believe some artsy-fartsy, new-age hippie on Yahoo picked the Raiders to go to the Super Bowl. It’s almost as crazy as some idiot projecting the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl. I can’t remember his name, but he’s a DUMA$$.

In all seriousness, having Oakland in the Super Bowl makes no sense. Yeah, they swept the awesome AFC West last year, but they lost their top defensive player and second-best offensive play-maker. No chance.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 5-11
Buffalo Bills (4-12) – Previously: 26.
I have the Bills at 8-8 because of their insanely easy schedule. They are better – Marcell Dareus and Shawne Merriman have looked great in the preseason – but they still have major holes on their roster.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Washington Redskins (6-10) – Previously: 32.
I can’t believe how good Rex Grossman looked this preseason. Well, maybe I can. I found this excerpt from my 2003 NFL Season Previews and posted it in my Redskins 2011 NFL Season Preview. Feel free to call me a “DUMA$$” in the comment section:

I lost a lot of respect for head coach Mike Shanahan, when he signed QB Jake Plummer to take over his team. Since 1998, Jake has thrown 43 interceptions, while only throwing 21 touchdowns. Having an excellent running game will help Jake the Snake, but his inaccuracy and inability to scan the whole field will continue to cause him to throw many interceptions.

Oops!

2011 NFL Projected Record: 6-10
Arizona Cardinals (5-11) – Previously: 21.
Kevin Kolb has been pretty inconsistent this preseason, but inconsistent is a major upgrade over last year’s inept (Max Hall), raw (John Skelton) and drunk (Derek Anderson).

2011 NFL Projected Record: 7-9
Denver Broncos (4-12) – Previously: 24.
The Broncos are going to be pretty decent this year. The offense will be more balanced, and the pass rush will be fierce with “Doom and Gloom” wreaking havoc upon opposing quarterbacks. The secondary is still an issue, however, and Kyle Orton really needs to improve in the red zone.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 6-10
Tennessee Titans (6-10) – Previously: 30.
Everyone, let’s all hold hands and say a prayer for Chris Johnson. May CJ2K receive an even greater contract in a few years. CJ2K doesn’t have an ordinary job like us peons, so he needs as much money as possible. Please let him have all that he wishes for. Amen.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 5-11
Minnesota Vikings (6-10) – Previously: 29.
The Vikings are relying on Donovan McNabb, Bernard Berrian and the worst left tackle in the NFL, Charlie Johnson. Yeah, this is not going to end well. On the bright side, Christian Ponder looked solid in the preseason finale…

2011 NFL Projected Record: 5-11
Cleveland Browns (5-11) – Previously: 22.
I’m a big fan of Colt McCoy, but he has nothing to work with outside of Peyton Hillis. The Browns have two first-round picks in the 2012 NFL Draft, however, so they could be a playoff contender next year.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Kansas City Chiefs (10-6) – Previously: 19.
I hate the Chiefs. They’re the worst franchise ever! At least that’s what Kansas City fans believe I’m thinking. I honestly don’t care either way; I just think the Chiefs are going to be very mediocre this year because Charlie Weis is gone, so Matt Cassel’s flaws will be exposed. A ridiculously tough second-half schedule doesn’t help either.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 6-10
St. Louis Rams (7-9) – Previously: 17.
I want to love Sam Bradford as a fantasy football quarterback, but Mike Sims-Walker is always hurt, Donnie Avery was waived, Lance Kendricks is just a rookie, Brandon Gibson stinks, Mark Clayton has a knee problem, Steven Jackson is old, and Danny Amendola is white. Sorry, that’s racist. At any rate, as forum member Franchize would say, “Bradford’s receivers are f***ing trash!”

2011 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
New York Giants (10-6) – Previously: 12.
As I’m writing this, the Giants just suffered another two injuries. Next time, perhaps Tom Coughlin should rethink urinating all over a witch doctor’s front lawn.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 8-8
Houston Texans (6-10) – Previously: 9.
I’ve liked how Houston’s new defense has looked this preseason. I still maintain that the big issue is Matt Schaub’s ability to come through in the clutch. As I pointed out in my season previews, in the past two years when playing in overtime or the fourth quarter within seven points, Schaub has thrown six interceptions to just three touchdowns. Otherwise, his touchdown-interception ratio is 50-21. Also, Houston is 8-5 before Nov. 1, and an abysmal 7-12 after Halloween the past two seasons.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6) – Previously: 14.
In case you couldn’t figure it out, I’m the DUMA$$ who picked the Buccaneers to go to the Super Bowl. I’ve been pretty accurate with my past few Super Bowl predictions, and I was confident with my Tampa projection – until I saw Josh Freeman this preseason. Freeman’s decision-making has just been really bad. If this continues, he’s going to throw way more than six interceptions this year.

I’d like to change my Super Bowl pick, if I may. Since this is my Web site, I sure as hell may. Stay tuned…

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Baltimore Ravens (12-4) – Previously: 5.
I’m not a fan of the Ravens this year. Joe Flacco’s two most reliable weapons are gone, while the offensive line is a major concern. The defense was also shaky in the preseason, as it had struggled to contain the great Rex Grossman and Tim Hightower.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 9-7
Chicago Bears (11-5) – Previously: 16.
I think the Bears are really underrated. Everyone seems to think that last year was a fluke for them, but I recall a Chicago team nearly knocking off the Packers at Lambeau in Week 17. No one should be surprised if the Bears can go 11-5 again.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Detroit Lions (6-10) – Previously: 15.
I love Bill Simmons, but how dare he say that he created the Detroit Lions bandwagon? I projected the Lions to go 9-7 last year, and they would have if Matthew Stafford didn’t miss most of the season. I am insecure, so I want credit, Sports Guy. I’ll be expecting this credit in your next football podcast.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Dallas Cowboys (6-10) – Previously: 10.
My friend Chris looked at my 2011 NFL Season Previews and told me he was surprised that I had the Cowboys at 9-7. Meh… Tony Romo is back, but the offensive line and secondary are both really shaky. Plus, winning games in the always-tough NFC East will once again be tough.

If you haven’t been following my 2011 Fantasy Football Rankings, by the way, I love Felix Jones and Dez Bryant this year much more than most other publications.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Indianapolis Colts (10-6) – Previously: 3.
I really don’t feel like talking about Peyton Manning right now. I just had a fantasy draft where one of my friends was screwed out of a quarterback; one guy took Philip Rivers and Manning, so because of that, my friend has Jay Cutler as his starter. Throughout the entire second half of the draft, he kept asking me, “Do you think I should trade Mike Wallace for Peyton? What about Anquan Boldin and Mark Ingram? What about Malcom Floyd and Mike Wallace? What about Neil Rackers?”

Like I said, I don’t want to discuss Manning.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
San Diego Chargers (9-7) – Previously: 7.
I’m not going to give away any of my NFL Picks until Monday, but I’m definitely taking the Chargers in survivor. I know they start slowly, but I don’t see the Vikings winning in San Diego without one of their top defensive players, Kevin Williams.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
New York Jets (11-5) – Previously: 8.
I really don’t feel like discussing Plaxico Burress either. He’s done, and ESPN has killed that for me anyway. Actually, this has me thinking – why doesn’t ESPN have spin-off channels dedicated to one athlete? Like, since they talk about Brett Favre so much, why not create an ESPN Brett Favre? Or an ESPN Plaxico Burress? Or an ESPN QB Dog Killer? Speaking of which…

2011 NFL Projected Record: 10-6
Philadelphia Eagles (10-6) – Previously: 11.
MAY 11 UPDATE: ESPN essentially had its “ESPN QB Dog Killer” in its last issues of “The Mag.” Included in this was a very controversial article. Here was the headline if you missed it:

This is a preview of one of my Jerks of the Week entries this Monday.

As for this actual Eagles team, well, that’s sort of an oxymoron. Philadelphia has numerous great players, but they’re not a team. They also have numerous glaring flaws, namely the right side of the offensive line.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 11-5
Atlanta Falcons (13-3) – Previously: 13.
I still can’t believe Matt Ryan threw the ball 42 times against the Steelers in the first half of the third preseason game.

Let’s have some fun with this. What if Ryan attempts 42 passes in every single half this year? Assuming his completion, touchdown and interception percentages of 2010, as well as a 7.0 YPA (upgraded from 6.5 because of Julio Jones), Ryan’s 2011 season stats would be:

840-of-1,344, 9,408 yards, 66 touchdowns, 21 interceptions

Get this man on your fantasy team immediately!

2011 NFL Projected Record: 11-5
Green Bay Packers (10-6) – Previously: 1.
It’s only the preseason, but Green Bay’s defense has been VERY shaky this August. They’ve had trouble containing Colt McCoy, Kevin Kolb, and even Curtis “Finger” Painter. You have to wonder if there’s some post-Super Bowl complacency going on.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 12-4
New Orleans Saints (11-5) – Previously: 6.
My new NFC representative in this year’s projected Super Bowl is New Orleans. Unlike last year, Drew Brees is healthy. And speaking of health, the Saints usually suffer lots of injuries because Sean Payton runs the team into the ground in practice. He won’t be able to do that per the new CBA rules.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 12-4
Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) – Previously: 2.
Unlike their Super Bowl opponent, the Steelers definitely look sharp this preseason. Super Bowl losers generally fare poorly the following year, but 2011 could be different because of the lockout. I’d have Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl if it weren’t for…

2011 NFL Projected Record: 12-4
New England Patriots (14-2) – Previously: 4.
The Patriots are still my pick to win it all. Their defensive front is amazing, and Tom Brady is still on top of his game. I’ll go as far as saying that another undefeated season isn’t out of the question, but I’ll have them winning 14 games.

2011 NFL Projected Record: 14-2