2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 13
Week 12 Top Fantasy Performers, Defenses

1. Green Bay Packers (11-0) – Previously: #1 – The Packers are going to beat the Lions nine out of 10 times because they don’t make mistakes. They also don’t karate kick poor offensive linemen lying on the ground.
   
   At any rate, my NFL picks have sucked this year, but it’s good to know that I’m not the worst handicapper out there. E-mailer Daniel S. sent the following over Thanksgiving morning:
   
   You do not have to worry about the Pack pick. The talking heads on Danish TV (an NHL expert, a Dancing with the Stars host, an ADHD kid, a soccer player and a handball coach) all just picked the Lions +6! SO NO FEAR!!
   
   And no I am deadly serious about the talking heads being those guys. Normally only the NHL expert and the reality TV star host are on, but in the honor of Thanksgiving, we have to look at more idiots!
   
   And I thought listening to Keyshawn Johnson and Cris Carter on Sunday mornings was bad…
   
   
2. New England Patriots (8-3) – Previously: #3 – Speaking of Cris Carter, he actually said this last week on one of ESPN’s shows:
   
   The Patriots need Chad Ochocinco going down the stretch, hee hee hee honk honk!
   
   OK, maybe he didn’t make the Steve Urkel noises, but he actually did state that New England would need Ochocinco.
   
   That soccer coach sounds pretty good right about now.
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-3) – Previously: #2 – I moved the Patriots ahead of the Steelers because Pittsburgh looked so blegh, for the lack of a better term, at Kansas City. I know the Chiefs played hard, but the Steelers were coming off a bye. They weren’t supposed to play so sloppily.
   
   Speaking of New England, Chip3251 posted for the first time on GameCenter. As you can see, he clearly belongs in this community:
   
   
   
   
4. New Orleans Saints (8-3) – Previously: #5 – A recap of the Saints-Giants game:
   
   1. That win over the Patriots seems like years ago, doesn’t it? The ESPN broadcasters brought up that upset victory about a dozen times tonight, but if you look at New York’s recent lack of success, you might conclude that it was a fluke.
   
   Dating back to Week 5, the Giants are just 3-4 straight up and 1-6 against the spread. Their other wins came at home against the Bills and Dolphins, both by three points. They lost to the 4-7 Seahawks and 4-7 Eagles by at least a touchdown. And then there was 49-24.
   
   2. The Giants just killed themselves with mistakes. There were plenty of untimely penalties and dropped passes. The back-breaker was a fumble by Da’Rel Scott. Down 18, Scott coughed up the ball even though it looked like he was down by contact. New Orleans took over on a short field and scored two plays later on a Drew Brees touchdown to Jimmy Graham.
   
   3. Brees relentlessly torched New York’s secondary, going 24-of-38 for 363 yards and four passing touchdowns. He also had an 8-yard rushing score, as he looked like Aaron Rodgers on the scramble. Graham, meanwhile, found the end zone twice to go along with his team-leading five receptions and 84 yards. There was a scary moment in which Graham took a hit to the head in the fourth quarter, but he was apparently OK because he recovered an onside kick a bit later.
   
   4. Eli Manning nearly set a record in this contest. He completed 21 consecutive passes in the second half, falling one short of the record-holders, Mark Brunell and David Carr (WTF?) Manning did this against a prevent defense, but I don’t want that to take away from his performance; he finished 33-of-47, 406 yards, two touchdowns and an interception, but was ultimately betrayed by his teammates.
   
   5. With Mario Manningham out, Victor Cruz had a monstrous performance. He caught nine balls for 157 yards and two touchdowns. One of his scores was a 72-yarder on a blown assignment. Hakeem Nicks, meanwhile, had seven receptions for 87 yards, but was temporarily knocked out on a nasty hit. The tackle drew a penalty, but like Ron Jaworski, Jon Gruden, Steve Young and Trent Dilfer, I didn’t think it warranted a yellow flag whatsoever because it was helmet to shoulder pad. It’s getting ridiculous.
   
   6. As for the running backs, Mark Ingram rushed for 80 yards and a touchdown thanks to a very late 35-yard score. Brandon Jacobs (13-46), meanwhile, also found the end zone. Down 21-10 in the third quarter, Jacobs performed a minute-long touchdown dance which nearly started a fight between the two teams.
   
   It was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen. If the Giants weren’t getting blown out, it would have been OK, but Jacobs looked like a fool prancing around for such a long time. As I posted on the forum, “Jacobs must have himself on his fantasy team to do that much celebrating down 21-10.”
5. Baltimore Ravens (8-3) – Previously: #6 – For those who passed out from all the turkey and weren’t able to watch the Ravens-49ers game on NFL Network, here’s a quick recap:
   
   Ray Lewis is out. Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. 49ers sacked! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games. Ted Ginn drops the ball! Here are the top five plays from Sunday’s NFL games.
   
   
6. San Francisco 49ers (9-2) – Previously: #4 – Speaking of Ted Ginn, I posted a quote from Herm Edwards concerning Ginn last week:
   
   “It’s not his fault! Not his fault! He can’t catch! That’s what you get for throwing the ball to him! Can’t catch! Don’t throw him the ball!”
   
   What great timing! Two days after uploading this, Ginn had the key drop that ended the game for the 49ers.
   
   It’s amazing that teams continue to use this bum on offense. He stinks, and should never see an offensive snap ever again.
   
   
7. Oakland Raiders (7-4) – Previously: #9 – Forum member BobLoblaw said it best: “I loved how Oakland won yesterday thanks to the 3 most important positions in the game: kicker, punter, and fullback.”
   
   Hue Jackson is doing a great job, and Al Davis deserves all of the credit because he saw this coming. Consider a quote from the late Oakland owner just prior to the season:
   
   “The fire in Hue will set a flame that will burn for a long time in the hearts and minds of the Raider football team and the Raider Nation.”
   
   As Facebook friend John Y. pointed out:
   
   Thats why he hired Hue Jackson. He has the fires of hell burning deep within him.
   
   
8. Dallas Cowboys (7-4) – Previously: #8 – I was pretty upset that the Cowboys looked like crap and didn’t cover against Miami. A GameCenter user was just as frustrated on Thanksgiving for a different reason:
   
   My soon to be ex-wife can’t cook for nothing. She just shattered the oven glass… how the **** does someone do that.
   
   Hey, be happy that you even have a wife because other GameCenter guys are perverts who can’t get laid. Once again, Aaron3619:
   
   
   
   
9. New York Giants (6-5) – Previously: #7 – I already discussed the Saints-Giants game, so let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “REALLY HE IS WAY BETTER THAN RYAN MAN NOT EVEN A COMPOTENTION!!!”
   
   Just make sure you don’t get into any spelling “compotentions,” or you will lose rather quickly.
   
   2. “personally i wish we wouldnt have picked up hassleback even know he is great qb but hey is happens”
   
   So, you don’t want a great quarterback on your team? Weh?
   
   3. “yor an idiot.. when did we loose 9 games to close out the season?? i gotta say thou good job KC on wining 3 in a row”
   
   I don’t think you should be able to call anyone an idiot if you don’t know the difference between “your,” “you’re” and “yor.”
   
   
10. Chicago Bears (7-4) – Previously: #10 – Meh, I’m going to keep the Bears in the top 10. I think Cal Hanie will be better next week (by default, really). Plus, Jay Cutler will return in about four weeks, so it’s not like they’ll be completely hopeless in the playoffs.
    
    But if you don’t like my power rankings, that’s fine. I have e-mailer Joe B. to back me up:
    
    I don’t understand how anyone can complain about your power rankings. If anyone does, you should just refer them to the ESPN ones. Have you seen this disaster?
    
    “Hey let’s list the teams in order by record!” Who writes this stuff? They are completely in order by record with two exceptions: The bottom 7-3 team (Detroit) is one spot lower than the top 6-4 team (Chicago), and the bottom 5-5 team (Buffalo) is one spot below the top 4-6 team (Philadelphia) despite defeating them head to head.
    
    Why bother listing the power rankings at all? Just show the standings if it’s going to be the exact same thing. Actually it might not be as bad as Kordell Stewart and these other clowns listing their “AFC top 5.” Six teams make the playoffs, so how hard would it be to just make it be “AFC top 6?” ESPN is the worst. I know this is not news to you.
    
    Indeed. I can’t believe Kordell now works for ESPN. I was watching SportsCenter, losing brain cells by the minute, when after discussing some NFL story, the anchor said, “Let’s go to Kordell Stewart with his thoughts on this.”
    
    I seriously just shut the TV off. Why do I need to hear Kordell’s thoughts on anything? Does anyone care what Kordell has to say? It’s sad that ESPN keeps getting worse and worse with this junk.
    
    

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-11) – Previously: #32 – The Colts lost again, and adding insult to injury, famous GameCenter user Taton didn’t even post.

Poor Taton must have cried himself to sleep after Indianapolis’ latest defeat, so let’s pretend he posted during the game.

After the Panthers went up 10-0:

– Colts D must step make Cam Norton incomplte!!!!!

When the Colts finally scored a touchdown to make it 10-7:

– Colts score touchdwn flattered Panthers D mus stop Norton throw imcomplete!!!!

When the Panthers scored again:

– That is sux Coach Cadwell never learn from mistake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When Curtis Painter threw his first fourth-quarter interception:

– Cristis Prainter quit pick!!!! If C. Prainter get 1 more pick I wont watch Colt game no more!!!!!

When Painter tossed his next interception:

– Prainter Praintrr Praitner why you keep picking!!!!!! Byebye Colt no hope for win!!!!!!

31. St. Louis Rams (2-9) – Previously: #31 – Sam Bradford is quickly going to become the next David Carr if his front office doesn’t give him some protection. But hey, at least the Rams didn’t draft a defensive tackle who karate kicks opposing players.

Speaking of Ndamukong Suh, I sat down with him for an interview:

Me: Hey Ndamukong, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Ndamukong Suh: No problem, Walt.

Me: So, let’s address what happened on Thanksgiving. Everyone thinks you intentionally kicked the Packer lineman on the ground. What exactly happened there?

Ndamukong Suh: My foot got tangled up, and then it slipped.

Me: Really? I mean, it really looks like you kicked him on purpose. You did slam his head into the ground multiple times seconds earlier.

Ndamukong Suh: I really don’t like how you’re making me out to be the bad guy here. If I were you, I’d watch what I was saying.

Me: But I’m just asking innocent qu… ouch! You kicked me!

Ndamukong Suh: What? That was an accident. Sorry. My foot got tangled up.

Me: But our feet weren’t even close to each… ow! Why did you just toss a dagger at me?

Ndamukong Suh: It slipped out of my hands. My arms got tangled up.

Me: What? No way… I… dude, why did you just fling a boomerang at my head?

Ndamukong Suh: I didn’t do it on purpose! I swear!

Me: You did! Ndamukong… put down the holy water and the axe. What are you, Simon Belmont? No, sorry for the Castlevania joke. I didn’t do anything… please… I yield!

Ndamukong Suh: Whatever I do next will be by accident! Buhahahahahahahaha!

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

30. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-8) – Previously: #29 – Blaine Gabbert sucks, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first two from Facebook friend Jay B):

1. “KC ur g a y really y r u gonna lose too the dolphines!!!!!!!!!!1”

Not that there’s anything wrong with losing too the Dolphines.

2. “Packer fans here are a joke. Nothing even remotely intelligent to say at all, Every time I read one of their post I think I get a lil dumber.”

But if your IQ is already zero to begin with, how can you get a lil dumber?

3. “WHO DO THE Giants PLAY NEAK WEEK”

I don’t get what this guy is trying to say. Neck week? What’s that?

29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-7) – Previously: #30 – If you missed it, Cris Collinsworth said the following prior to kickoff Sunday night:

“The Chiefs believe they still have a shot to make the playoffs.”

Aww, how cute. If the Chiefs truly had a “shot to make the playoffs” prior to the Pittsburgh game, then the following is true as well:

– I have a shot at a threesome with Alison Brie and Kim Kardashian.

– Rosie O’Donnell has a shot at a threesome with me and a pepperoni pizza.

– This doughnut on my desk has a shot at not getting eaten by me.

Too bad the Chiefs are stupid! NOM NOM NOM DOUGHNUT NOM NOM NOM!!!

28. Cleveland Browns (4-7) – Previously: #27 – Did you know that the Browns are still mathematically alive for the No. 1 seed? Did you know that the Titans have a 2-percent chance to get the No. 5 seed in the AFC? How about the fact that the Raiders, despite being 7-4, have just a 4-percent chance of getting a first-round bye?

I got all of these numbers from PlayoffStatus.com – a pretty cool site worth checking out.

27. Minnesota Vikings (2-9) – Previously: #24 – Last week I expressed my disdain for NFL.com’s slight edge meter. Well, they haven’t rectified the problem. Consider this graphic from the Atlanta-Minnesota page:



Again, how the hell does that arrow signify a very slight edge? It’d be no different than having the following graphic:



Man, Rosie O’Donnell must have voted 50,000 times to make that a very slight edge.

26. Arizona Cardinals (4-7) – Previously: #26 – It’s a miracle that the Cardinals won at St. Louis because John Skelton was really inaccurate, as usual. There was one throw where I commented, “Great pass to the cheerleaders!”

It’s hard to blame Skelton though. I mean, he was under the influence…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

John Skelton: I’m John Skelton and my arm is so massive that I just throw the ball as hard as I can downfield and hope something good happens. Buhahahaha! Hark, who are those pretty girls over yonder?

Derek Anderson: Heyyyyzzz iffff yewww wannnaerr tallkkk toooo thummmm havvve a sssipp offff thissssss hic!

*** Ten minutes later… ***

John skelton: Heeyyy babbeezzz, I’mm quaarrrbback hic! Cannn I geett picccc of yourrrr gurrrllls nakkkuddd nnnn innnnn bikinuusss pllluzzzz.

You know, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if drunken John Skelton is really Aaron3619.

25. Carolina Panthers (3-8) – Previously: #25 – I think Panther fans will appreciate the following quote from a Dolphin fan on GameCenter:

Had Matt Moore started the season instead of Chad Henne, I think the Phins would be atleast .500 maybe a game over. He’s not a bad quarterback. I’m sure if he can keep his mojo like he did when he took over for the Panthers in 09 when Delhomme got benched, he’ll win over the fans and be the starter for next season.

So, the Dolphins are supposed to pass over one of the many franchise quarterbacks in the 2012 NFL Draft because Matt Moore is “not a bad quarterback?”

I told you that you’d appreciate that, Panther fans.

24. Washington Redskins (4-7) – Previously: #28 – Rex Grossman threw a really stupid interception at Seattle – I know, newsflash – and afterward, the FOX announcers said something strange. I forget who it was (maybe Jim Mora Jr?) but it went something like this:

There’s offensive coordinator Kyle Schottenheimer telling Rex Grossman not to throw interceptions.

Kyle Schottenheimer? I thought Kyle Shanahan was the offensive coordinator. Maybe that’s why the Redskins suck. Perhaps Marty Schottenheimer’s long-lost son kidnapped Mike Shanahan’s son and commandeered Washington’s offensive coordinator position. That has to be why Grossman commits three turnovers every single week.

23. San Diego Chargers (4-7) – Previously: #23 – The Chargers suck, but thanks to forum member CrazyCarl, I at least know they’re entertaining.

Seriously, how much does this video epitomize San Diego’s year? The Chargers were 4-1, but they completely pissed this season away. And is it a coincidence that Nick Novak’s kick leaked to the right?

Yeah, I’m sorry. I know Cris Carter used that joke Monday night. I guess I should start saying “hee hee hee honk honk” too.


2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Detroit Lions (7-4). Previously: #11
12. Atlanta Falcons (7-4). Previously: #13
13. Denver Broncos (6-5). Previously: #16
14. Cincinnati Bengals (7-4). Previously: #12
15. New York Jets (6-5). Previously: #14
16. Houston Texans (8-3). Previously: #15
17. Miami Dolphins (3-8). Previously: #21
18. Tennessee Titans (6-5). Previously: #18
19. Philadelphia Eagles (4-7). Previously: #17
20. Buffalo Bills (5-6). Previously: #23
21. Seattle Seahawks (4-7). Previously: #19
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7). Previously: #20