2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 12
Week 11 Top Fantasy Performers, Defenses

1. Green Bay Packers (10-0) – Previously: #1 – I once again have to take umbrage with NFL.com’s game edge graphic:
   
   
   
   How the hell does that arrow signify a slight edge? It’d be no different than having the following graphic:
   
   
   
   Hmm… Jessica Alba or Rosie O’Donnell? Rosie O’Donnell or Jessica Alba? I think I’ll give Alba a slight edge!
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) – Previously: #2 – The Steelers just had the week off, so let’s use this space for the Patriots-Chiefs recap:
   
   1. It sounds crazy now, but it seemed like the Patriots were going to lose to the Chiefs. They were down 3-0 early on, and they looked half asleep in the first quarter. They had major issues pass protecting on the first four drives. But like last week, the Patriots suddenly flipped on a switch near halftime and became this unstoppable machine. They couldn’t even stop themselves from running up the score at the end of the game.
   
   Seriously, I don’t mind running the ball, but why throw and call quarterback sneaks up 24 with less than three minutes remaining? I’m shocked Todd Haley didn’t wag his finger at Bill Belichick during the post-game handshake.
   
   2. We had some fun on the forums making fun of BenJarvus Green-Ellis early on. It seemed like Green-Ellis would gain exactly three rushing yards on every carry. He eventually piled up the yardage (81) when Kansas City’s defense wore down, but you still have to wonder why Shane Vereen and Stevan Ridley aren’t getting more touches. Vereen (8-39, TD) looked good on the final drive, so hopefully he’ll get more work going forward.
   
   3. The star for the Patriots was Rob Gronkowski, who caught two touchdowns (along with four catches for 96 yards). Those scores gave him 20 for his young career, allowing him to become the fastest tight end to 20 touchdowns (26 games), breaking Mike Ditka’s old mark.
   
   4. The Chiefs, meanwhile, moved the chains pretty well at times, but continuously stalled near the New England 35. I found it very strange that they eschewed the opportunity to go for it on a 4th-and-inches from around that spot on their second drive of the game, yet they had enough courage to try an onsides kick later in the quarter. The attempt failed.
   
   5. Tyler Palko played much better than many expected. And no one expected much. One well-known Web site described Palko as one of the “least-talented No. 2 quarterbacks in football.” He didn’t look that way early on, as he helped the Chiefs convert 6-of-14 third downs. He tossed an interception in the second quarter, but it wasn’t really his fault because the ball bounced off his target’s hands.
   
   However, Palko really looked skittish in the second half and just forced way too many poor passes into double and triple coverage. His final two interceptions were his responsibility. Palko finished 25-of-38 for 236 yards otherwise.
   
   You can’t really blame Palko entirely for his second-half collapse. When that first fluke pick took place, it was 7-3. The Patriots scored twice on a pair of drives sandwiched by halftime, so the next time Palko took a meaningful snap, it was already 17-3. Given his physical limitations and the fact that he was making his first career start, Palko didn’t stand a chance.
   
   6. One of the defenders trying to stop Palko was Julian Edelman, Wes Welker’s backup at the slot position. As with Troy Brown back in 2004, Belichick is being forced into using a wideout on defense because of all the injuries. Edelman whiffed on a tackle on the first drive, but had some nice stops later on. He also drew a holding flag that brought back a big gain. More importantly, he returned a punt for a touchdown.
   
   7. Is it just me, or does Todd Haley look like a drunk sea captain with his black beard? Maybe all of those booze were the reason why he didn’t wag his finger at Belichick.
   
   
3. New England Patriots (7-3) – Previously: #3 – So, why didn’t I use this capsule to recap Patriots-Chiefs? Because I want to point out something stupid ESPN wrote recently, and I’d like to thank Facebook friend Steven L. for bringing it to my attention:
   
   “Why would anyone write off a Patriots team led by QB Tom Brady and coach Bill Belichick?” – ESPN power rankings
   
   I’m not sure who wrote this, but it must have been Captain Hindsight. Captain Hindsight went on to say that betting the Lions -7 would be a good move, despite all the great reasons I listed on my NFL Picks page.
   
   Seriously, this is ridiculous. All I heard from the clowns on Sunday NFL Countdown and SportsCenter sets was that the Jets were going to easily beat the Patriots in Week 10. Every single person on the former show picked New York to win. And now they’re telling us that no one should have written them off? Weh?
   
   
4. San Francisco 49ers (9-1) – Previously: #4 – Speaking of ESPN, Facebook friend Joe B. posted the following on my wall:
   
   Here’s a good one for you, since this player is your nemesis. On Sports Nation they showed the clip of Ted Ginn dropping a pass and redirecting the ball right to a Giants defender. Herm jumped right in and exclaimed:
   
   “It’s not his fault! Not his fault! He can’t catch! That’s what you get for throwing the ball to him! Can’t catch! Don’t throw him the ball!”
   
   It’s not his fault that he can’t catch? Isn’t that what he’s getting paid for?
   
   
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3) – Previously: #5 – As you all know, I love posting random dumb things from NFL.com’s GameCenter. Here’s something that was written on a previous Saints game page:
   
   Is it still floooded in new Orleins
   
   Considering how stupid and ignorant this person is, I’m actually shocked that he knew about the hurricane.
   
   
6. Baltimore Ravens (7-3) – Previously: #6 – It was odd not seeing Ray Lewis on the field during a Ravens game. But I guess that’s a permanent reality that Baltimore fans will soon face.
   
   Anyway, let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “QBs being fined for tackling I am a seahawk fan that tackle falco made on hathorn prevented my team from getting a TD and I still think a fine is BS he is a QB for corn sake he was practicly wearing a dress stupid”
   
   For corn sake, learn the English language. And who the hell is Falco?
   
   2. “san fran is a toilet of a city filled with thugs and drug addicts it is very sad when a city’s best comunity is its hippies and homosexuals”
   
   Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
   
   3. “hey 49er fans YOU ARE ALL SCUMB AND I AM SORRY IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY ME BRINGING UP YOU HERO JERRY SANDUSKY hope he saves you a seat in he11”
   
   On a scale of 1-10, how young should you be to stay away from a 49ers game? Oh darn, South Park already made that joke.
   
   
   
   
7. New York Giants (6-4) – Previously: #7 – Let’s give the Giants a mulligan. If I were a coaching a team going up against Vince Young, I wouldn’t take it too seriously either.
   
   Speaking of the Eagles, a very strange quote from Andy Reid regarding DeSean Jackson after the victory:
   
   “I enjoy the kid.”
   
   Not the smartest thing to say in the wake of the Jerry Sandusky scandal, Andy. But I guess it beats “hem hem… uhh… I need to put the players in a better position… hem hem… umm… uhh… I take full responsibility… hem hem… uhh… hem hem…”
   
   
8. Dallas Cowboys (6-4) – Previously: #9 – Some other GameCenter comments pertaining to the Cowboys:
   
   
   
   You know that saying, “If you listen to the fans, you’ll be sitting with them?” Well, if you listen to GameCenter idiots, you’ll be brain-dead within weeks.
   
   
9. Oakland Raiders (6-4) – Previously: #10 – ESPN is really easy to make fun. NFL Network, not so much, ever since they removed Matt Millen and Joe Theismann from the Thursday night booth. Fortunately, this exchange between Rich Eisen and Sterling Sharpe had me smh-ing.
   
   Rich Eisen: Did the Raiders give up too much for Carson Palmer?
   
   Sterling Sharpe: Oooohhh I don’t know, good question!
   
   What do you mean, you don’t know? Aren’t you getting paid to voice your opinion on such things?
   
   Maybe I should take the same approach on my picks page. Panthers at Lions -7. Whom am I going to bet on? Oooohhh I don’t know, good question!
   
   Come to think of it, maybe I should start doing this because my picks suck.
   
   
10. Chicago Bears (7-3) – Previously: #8 – Like the Texans, I’m dropping the Bears because of the quarterback injury, but unlike the Texans, I’m not removing them from the top 10 because I have some faith in their backup. I mean, you’re not going to see Cal Hanie having kielbasa man sex in a hot tub with Nick Lachey and Matt Millen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
    
    
    
    

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-10) – Previously: #32 – The Colts had a bye week, so beloved GameCenter poster and Colts fan Taton wasn’t active on the boards. Let’s take this opportunity to post some of Taton’s greatest quotes:

– “Manning always got pick in the last minutes that is sux!!!!”

– “Colts offense and defense not good too many pass drop could catch!!!!”

– “Colts just flatted”

– “Maning Maning Maning why u keep picking!!!!!!!!!!!!”

– howmany drop passes can be catch”

– “P. Manning very game he play he struggle”

– “Manning you sux always choke!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bye bye no more hope for playoff!!!!!!!!!!1”

Now that Taton has seen “Cristis Prainter” in action, I wonder if he still think Manning sucks.

31. St. Louis Rams (2-8) – Previously: #27 – Speaking of GameCenter idiots, there apparently was a trolling problem on the Seahawks-Rams board, as KyleK509 pointed out:



Die? Isn’t that a bit extreme, KyleK509?

30. Kansas City Chiefs (4-6) – Previously: #29 – Todd Haley is a weirdo. But don’t take my word for it. Check out this animated picture that forum member CrazyCarl had in his signature:



That’s basically the expression Matt Millen has when he sees one of his young stallions inserting kielbasa into their you-know-whats.

Ugh, I just grossed myself out.

29. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7) – Previously: #25 – Last week I wrote “A win over the Browns means nothing.” A loss to the Browns means everything, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first two from Facebook friend Jay B):

1. “thats it a field goal come on lions i touhgt your better then that”

Your mom “touhgt your better then that” too, until you brought home the results of your first spelling test.

2. “come on field goals. get touchdowns.”

I’ve heard of people rooting for the Jaguars and stuff. Never did I think that people would ever root for the field goals.

3. “why does chicagosynidates mom smell like garbage oh yeah that must have been from last night”

Wait, are you saying that she smells like garbage because she had sex with you? Way to insult yourself, idiot.

28. Washington Redskins (3-7) – Previously: #31 – I love when announcers say the most obvious things ever. For example, Rex Grossman heaved an ugly interception downfield in Sunday’s game against the Cowboys. Tony Siragusa took this opportunity to chime in with some brilliant analysis:

“This is exactly, EXACTLY, what Rex Grossman didn’t want to do.”

EXACTLY, eh? And here I thought Grossman threw so many interceptions because he actually enjoyed doing so.

27. Cleveland Browns (4-6) – Previously: #30 – Mike L. sent the following e-mail over to me:

Keep mocking Trent Richardson or Lamar Miller to Cleveland. Local area shops are selling Peyton Hillis jerseys at 60% off!

Isn’t it amazing how much can change in seven months? Hillis was named the cover boy of Madden 12, and he was everyone’s favorite running back. Now, the Browns don’t want any part of him.

The Madden Curse is nuts. Not only did it injure Hillis; it banished him from a city.

26. Arizona Cardinals (3-7) – Previously: #28 – Remember the time when everyone thought John Skelton might be a better quarterback than Kevin Kolb? Aww, how cute.

If Skelton kept putting together quality performances, I would have suggested for Arizona to keep Kolb on the roster as the official play stealer. Heck, if Kolb continues to struggle at quarterback, maybe he can get a job as a defensive coordinator somewhere because he knew Philadelphia’s calls so well.

Eagle fans better hope that Andy Reid isn’t reading this because he might be thinking, “Uhh… umm… hem hem… Kevin Kolb at defensive coordinator is… uhh… hem hem… a good idea… hem hem…”

25. Carolina Panthers (2-8) – Previously: #24 – Speaking of Skelton, what the hell happened to him? He was decent at Philadelphia, but completely fell apart against the 49ers.

If you’ve been following this site for a while, you know exactly what happened…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

John Skelton: I’m John Skelton and my arm is so massive that I just throw the ball as hard as I can downfield and hope something good happens. Har Har Har!

Derek Anderson: Heyyyyzzz yewww tuuuuk myyy jeeeoobb, havvve a sssipp offff thissssss hic!

*** Ten minutes later… ***

John skelton: I’mmzzz Jeeohhnn Skellttunn annn myyy arrrm is sooo masssifff thaaa I jeeusst thrrreww the bbballlzz aszz hrddd as cannn downfieeelll nn heoop somethunnn goooo happunnsss!

Yeah, not too much of a difference.

24. Minnesota Vikings (2-8) – Previously: #22 – E-mailer Landon E. sent over an NFL.com fail. This picture is from last year’s matchup. Let’s see if you can spot the goofy error.



Hint: A certain linebacker broke Michael Strahan’s single-season sack record in just four games.

23. Buffalo Bills (5-5) – Previously: #16 – Poor Bills fans. Too many crucial injuries have destroyed their beloved team.

It’s a tough call in terms of who’s more miserable right now between Buffalo supporters and myself. That terrible beat in the Panthers-Lions game is going to haunt for a very long time.

In an attempt to heal my own wounds, I built a time machine so I can warn myself. Unfortunately, it only goes back 48 hours, so the best I could do was prepare myself for the bad beat.

Me: Hey Walt, thanks for taking the time to talk to me.

Me From Sunday Morning: Whoa, what the hell?

Me: I’m from two days in the future. I’ve come back in time to warn you about something.

Me From Sunday Morning: Uh-oh… what?

Me: The Panthers, the team you have for your November NFL Pick of the Month, are going to be up 24-7 against the Lions.

Me From Sunday Morning: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA!!!!!!!!!!!! SEVEN UNITS ARE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: No, wait…

Me From Sunday Morning: You’ve come back to steal my $700, haven’t you? Well, I’m going to use this money to throw a party and invite hot girls to it that I will unsuccessfully game.

Me: But…

Me From Sunday Morning: But what?

Me: The Panthers are going to blow the lead because of interceptions and terrible tackling, and the Lions will win 49-35.

Me From Sunday Morning: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Me: I just want you to be prepared for it. Wait, what are you doing? Put down the gun!

*** BANG! ***

Me: Why did you do shoot yourself!?

Me From Sunday Morning: Tell the hot red-headed chick… from Wawa… that she had… a nice… rack… ehh…

Me: Why’d you kill yourself? I mean, why’d you kill me? Wait… whoa… my legs are disappearing… and now my arms… crap… with Me From Sunday Morning dead, I never built this time machine, so I don’t exist anymore… there goes my neck… and… my… goodbye hot red-headed chick from Wa…


2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Detroit Lions (7-3). Previously: #12
12. Cincinnati Bengals (6-4). Previously: #13
13. Atlanta Falcons (6-4). Previously: #14
14. New York Jets (5-5). Previously: #11
15. Houston Texans (7-3). Previously: #15
16. Denver Broncos (5-5). Previously: #17
17. Philadelphia Eagles (4-6). Previously: #23
18. Tennessee Titans (5-5). Previously: #19
19. Seattle Seahawks (4-6). Previously: #20
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-6). Previously: #21
21. Miami Dolphins (3-7). Previously: #26
22. San Diego Chargers (4-6). Previously: #18