2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 11
Week 10 Top Fantasy Performers, Defenses

1. Green Bay Packers (9-0) – Previously: #1 – As you all know, I like to post stupid comments from NFL.com’s GameCenter. Well, ProFootballTalk.com has its fair share of idiots as well. Check out this comment, sent over by e-mailer Alex H:
   
   packers are all done, probably won’t win another game this year. Absolutely gonna get beat this Monday. Woodson will probably get caught cheating a few more times and Jarred Allen will sakc Rogers about 4 times. packers a pathetic, they go back to their namesake and pack some meat ya maet packers.
   
   Are we sure this wasn’t Matt Millen posting? Think about it: 1) Lacking logic. 2) Misevaluating talent. 3) Talking about packing meat. I’m shocked this person didn’t call Jared Allen a “young stallion.”
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) – Previously: #3 – I wanted to rank the Steelers ahead of the Ravens last week, but it just seemed wrong because Baltimore swept Pittsburgh. After what happened in Seattle this past Sunday, I don’t think the Ravens can make it three in a row if the teams meet in January – especially considering that the Steelers will have all of their linebackers back on the field.
   
   
3. New England Patriots (6-3) – Previously: #6 – Everyone on Sunday NFL Countdown picked the Jets to win. The same for NBC’s Football Night in America, including Rodney Harrison, a former Patriot. How is it that the media keeps getting duped into thinking that New England is done? It happened back in 2004 when the Steelers crushed the Patriots. It happened after Spygate. It happened when Tom Brady tore his ACL. It happened last year after that weird loss to the Browns. And it just happened this past week.
   
   And guess who has profited off the inept media’s overreaction every single time? Me! Muhahahahaha! Now, if only I could win my other picks…
   
   
4. San Francisco 49ers (8-1) – Previously: #4 – Speaking of my picks, perhaps I should hire this guy, since I didn’t have the foresight to make San Francisco anything more than a zero-unit selection:
   
   
   
   I think my senior editor would actually murder me in my sleep if I hired this guy.
   
   
5. New Orleans Saints (7-3) – Previously: #7 – If you weren’t watching the New Orleans-Atlanta game, you may have missed one of the most bizarre stats I’ve ever heard: The Saints are 0-of-11 on coin tosses this year.
   
   The odds of losing 11 coin tosses in a row: 1:2,048.
   
   According to my Magic 8-Ball, the odds of me landing a date with hot actress Alison Brie: 1:2,047.
   
   Yes! If it can work for the Saints, it can definitely happen to me!
   
   
6. Baltimore Ravens (6-3) – Previously: #2 – John Harbaugh on the Seattle game during the week:
   
   “This is the most important game of the season.”
   
   Yeah, OK.
   
   At any rate, more on the Saints’ overtime win: I can’t believe how dumb of a decision Mike Smith made, and I find it even more astonishing how stupid NBC analyst Rodney Harrison is for defending it.
   
   It was one of the worst decisions in NFL history. Getting the first down didn’t ensure victory. Not getting the first down meant an automatic loss. The Falcons had stopped Drew Brees in overtime earlier, so why couldn’t they do that again? By doing this, Smith sent a clear message to his defense that he didn’t trust them.
   
   And by the way, what was with Smith’s comments after the game?
   
   “I… take… FULL… responsibility… the decision that we made did not work out today.”
   
   The decision “we” made? I thought you were taking full responsibility? Changing your tune, tune-changer?
   
   
7. New York Giants (6-3) – Previously: #5 – The Giants didn’t really need to beat the 49ers, so it was a tough spot for them because they had to play across the country against a team trying its hardest to prove itself.
   
   Anyway, let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “hey how are you doing after a tough lost yesterday”
   
   Not good. The series finale of LOST still pisses me off.
   
   2. “deamn whaT A HORRIBLE GAME, I WOULD HAVE FELT BETTER LOOSING IN THE FORTH BY 7 OR EVEN 14, deamn and greenbay next”
   
   Deamn, you suck at spelling.
   
   3. “what u tink about tebow?”
   
   Hey, look, JaMarcus Russell is on GameCenter!
   
   
8. Chicago Bears (6-3) – Previously: #10 – I liked it better when the Bears were crappy, since they are such easy targets to make fun of. David R., a Chicago fan, sent me a long rant about his team about a month ago. He had a long list of problems with the Bears, including:
   
   1. Mike Martz is horrible at evaluating talent. Greg Olsen is potentially a premier pass-catching tight end that he let walk out the door simply because he refuses to utilize the talent he is given. In addition, Devin Aromashadu was capable of being a dependable possession receiver, as he is doing right now for the Vikings. Again, let him walk out the door because he doesn�t like him. Yet he brings in ROY WILLIAMS of all players…
   
   2. Mike Martz is a complete idiot.
   
   3. Mike Martz is a COMPLETE idiot.
   
   4. Mike Martz refuses to utilize audibles in his system, despite the fact that the defense is often able to diagnose plays and the offense has no choice but to run them.
   
   5. Mike Martz is fat.
   
   Good thing Martz started hitting the gym!
   
   
9. Dallas Cowboys (5-4) – Previously: #16 – I expect the Cowboys to inevitably fall into Aurora Snowmo Choke Mode. But man, they looked great against the Bills.
   
   Let’s use this space to recap the Packers-Vikings game:
   
   1. What defensive issues? The Packers limited the Vikings to seven points, which came off a Randall Cobb fumble in the third quarter. Adrian Peterson was limited to just 51 yards on 14 carries, while Christian Ponder, who saw some success against Green Bay in his first start, went 16-of-34 for 190 yards and an interception.
   
   Ponder could have been picked off a couple of other times. It wasn’t on just him though; Ponder took three sacks behind an offensive line that couldn’t block.
   
   2. Speaking of poor offensive line play, that was the only blemish in this 45-7 blowout victory for Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers was constantly under siege by Jared Allen and company. He took just two sacks, but he was constantly running for his life, especially in the first half.
   
   Rodgers, however, was just way too good. He went 23-of-30 for 250 yards and four touchdowns, marking the ninth consecutive time that he had a quarterback rating of 100-plus. This tied Peyton Manning’s record.
   
   3. This game was such a blowout that Matt Flynn stepped in during the fourth quarter and led a touchdown drive of his own. He went 2-of-2 for 38 yards and a rushing score. I’m listing his stats because he had more fantasy points than Ryan Fitzpatrick, Josh Freeman and Jay Cutler. Nice job, losers.
   
   4. I really have nothing else to say about this contest. My condolences though to Megatron’s Mistress, who needed the Under to hit to win a contest of hers, only to see Flynn run in for a touchdown with five minutes remaining. It’s always upsetting to see a hot chick lose a bet.
   
   
10. Oakland Raiders (5-4) – Previously: #20 – I had the Texans at No. 9 prior to the Matt Schaub injury. Instead, I’d like to move the Raiders into the top 10 because Carson Palmer looks healthy again.
    
    Speaking of Houston, Awesome Kelly in Arizona sent my a terrible trade proposal she received in one of her fantasy leagues:
    
    
    
    I want to vomit just looking at that. Idiot fantasy owners like Ian H. are the reason why I haven’t made a trade in any of my fantasy leagues in years. Seriously.
    
    
    
    

32. Indianapolis Colts (0-10) – Previously: #32 – Beloved GameCenter poster and Colts fan Taton was a bit more calm than he was last week:



At least he learned how to Curtis Painter’s name. I spent hours last week trying to figure out who Cristis Prainter was.

31. Washington Redskins (3-6) – Previously: #29 – My friend Gary said it best: “Screw you Mike Shanahan.”

The decision to start Ryan Torain over Roy Helu was inexplicable. It made no sense. At this point, it’s reasonable to assume that Shanahan either A) belongs in a mental hospital or B) has the mindset, “If my team is going down, I’m taking fantasy owners with me! Muhahahaha!”

Here’s a good question: Would it surprise anyone if Shanahan has about 50 dead fantasy owners buried in his backyard? Washington police force, if fantasy football owners are missing in your area, please search Shanahan’s house. You can give me a reward later.

30. Cleveland Browns (3-6) – Previously: #27 – Facebook friend Rob R. with a rant about the crappy Browns:

Walter, I am having issues I am Browns fan, but this is just getting ridiculous. For years I have watched this team. It has now been 12 years since they came back, and its not looking any better! I used to get angry over such things, however, I found myself playing Mario Kart by the third quarter yesterday and feeling quite apathetic. The apathy is scaring me! Any advice? Just play more Mario Kart until it gets better?

Mario Kart won’t help, Rob. The blue shell only knocks out first place. Thus, taking out the Steelers won’t do you any good since the Ravens and Bengals are ahead of you as well.

29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5) – Previously: #19 – Matt Cassel is out for the year, which is why the Chiefs are this low.

Anyway, I found the following comment on GameCenter:

I heard the rapper Tech N9ne going to be there rooting for his hometown CHIEFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I were at Arrowhead, so I could drink rapper Tech N9ne’s tears, as Tim Tebow’s two completions slew his precious Chiefs. I’m not even sure who the hell Tech N9ne is, but I’m sure his tears tasted great.

“Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy! Mm-yummy, you guys!”

28. Arizona Cardinals (3-6) – Previously: #31 – Ken Whisenhunt out-coached Andy Reid on Sunday, but that’s not too difficult. I got a kick out of what the FOX sideline reporter said at the beginning of the third quarter:

“I talked to Coach Reid at halftime, and his message to his players at halftime was, ‘Keep playing hard!'”

How dare the FOX sideline reporter betray such secrets? For years, successful teams like the Steelers, Patriots and Colts have been winning because they’ve played hard. Now everyone knows! Keep your mouth shut next time, stupid sideline reporter!

27. St. Louis Rams (2-7) – Previously: #30 – A win over the Browns means nothing, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the first two from Facebook friend Jay B):

1. “i am a packs fan and i love how the lions are playing on are lvl :D”

Stop smiling and open a book, idiot.

2. “YICKES THE FALCONS ARE LOSING CMON FALCONS ATLEAST TI WITH THEM”

Yes, Falcons. Ti with them. Not do, re, or even mi. Not fa, or so, or even la. Ti, damn it!

3. “do you know who you remind me of brett favre, you like touching little boys and pissin people off whats up with that”

Brett Favre went to Penn State!

26. Miami Dolphins (2-7) – Previously: #28 – Maybe it’s a good thing that Matt Moore has played well the past three weeks. If Moore failed, the Dolphins would have to turn to this guy:



Actually, those are two different people, but they’re pretty much the same. One is a has-been who has sucked in the pros. The other is a has-been who now makes sucky movies. I’ll let you figure out which is which.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) – Previously: #25 – An e-mail I received from Andrew C. when I mentioned that the Jaguars lost Mike Sims-Walker for the year:

“Jacksonville’s prized signing, Mike Sims-Walker, is out for the year, leaving Mike Thomas, Jason Hill, Cecil Shorts and a disinterested Marcedes Lewis to catch passes from a skittish rookie. ”

what does a Rams WR have to do with this game??? Cmon, get your head out of your a**.

I love when I get hate mail when someone incorrectly assumes I got a fact wrong. But I can’t blame Andrew; I mean, how dumb were the Jaguars in thinking that Sims-Walker was actually going to contribute for them?

24. Carolina Panthers (2-7) – Previously: #22 – In my NFL Game Recaps, I wrote, “It’s almost like the Panthers did nothing but drink, smoke and party during their bye. They came out flat in this contest and continuously made stupid mistakes to shoot themselves in the foot.”

As Facebook friend Jay B. pointed out: “You do realize who’s currently listed as their backup quarterback, right?”

Can’t believe I missed that…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

Cam Newton: I am such an awesome quarterback, and I am rich from my NFL contract and 180,000 gold I received from Auburn, doo doo doo, doo doo.

Derek Anderson: Heyyyyzzz starttunn qurrrbackkk, havvve a sssipp offff thissssss hic!

Cam Newton: How much gold does it cost, for I only have 135,000 gold remaining from Auburn?

Derek Anderson: Furrrr yewwww? Izzzz freeee hic!

Cam Newton: Well, it is my bye week. I’ll have a sip!

*** Ten minutes later… ***

Cam Newton: Heeyyzzz I cann”’tt seeee strruutt, hic! Hewww dooo weeee pppplayyyy nuxxuttt weeeeekkkk? Hic!

23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-6) – Previously: #14 – What the hell is the deal with DeSean Jackson? No one seems to know for sure, so I called Jackson up for an interview…

Me: Hey DeSean, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. So, what happened exactly?

Andy Reid: Hem, hem, uhh… I need to… uhh… put the players in a better position… umm… hem, hem…

Me: Andy Reid? What are you doing here?

Andy Reid: I… uhh… hem, hem…. uhh… need to put the players in a better position… hem, hem…

Me: I know that. You just said that. But why are you here? Where’s DeSean Jackson?

Andy Reid: Hem, hem, uhh… we need to… umm… uhh… get on the same page… uhh…

Me: Dude, where the hell is DeSean Jackson!?

Andy Reid: Uhh… hem, hem… umm… uhh… he overslept… uhh… hem, hem…

Me: Ugh! Now I have to talk to you!?

Andy Reid: Uhh… hem, hem… I take full responsibility… hem, hem… uhh… umm… uhh…

Me: Someone please save me from this nightmare!

DeSean Jackson: I’m here, guys!

Me: Thank God.

Andy Reid: Hem, hem… umm… uhh… umm… you’re going to… uhh… hem, hem… be suspended from this interview, DeSean… uhh… hem, hem…

DeSean Jackson: K bye!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andy Reid: Hem, hem, uhh… I need to… uhh… take full responsibility… umm… hem, hem… uhh… hem, hem…

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. New York Jets (5-4). Previously: #9
12. Detroit Lions (6-3). Previously: #8
13. Cincinnati Bengals (6-3). Previously: #13
14. Atlanta Falcons (5-4). Previously: #15
15. Houston Texans (7-3). Previously: #11
16. Buffalo Bills (5-4). Previously: #12
17. Denver Broncos (4-5). Previously: #23
18. San Diego Chargers (4-5). Previously: #17
19. Tennessee Titans (5-4). Previously: #24
20. Seattle Seahawks (3-6). Previously: #26
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-5). Previously: #18
22. Minnesota Vikings (2-7). Previously: #21