2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 14
Week 13 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New Orleans Saints (12-0) – Previously: #1 – Sure, the Saints needed some luck to beat the Redskins to stay undefeated, but let’s give them a break. It’s the first time they’ve won in sub-40 degrees since 1995.
   
   Don’t take this lightly – two recent Super Bowl champs overcame cold weather. In 2002, the Buccaneers were renowned for being soft in frigid temperatures. They went to Philadelphia and knocked the Eagles off in the NFC Championship. Five years later, the Packers hosted one of the coldest games ever at Lambeau Field. The Giants strolled in as huge underdogs and came out on top. Both squads went on to win the Super Bowl.
   
   The Saints won’t have to battle through cold weather in the playoffs, but I think they’ve established that they have what it takes to win in any environment.
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (12-0) – Previously: #2 – Jim Caldwell announced that he will continue to follow Tony Dungy’s philosophy of resting his players the final few games once everything is locked up.
   
   I think this is a huge mistake. I’ll get into the specifics in a few weeks, but the one year Indianapolis won the Super Bowl was when Peyton Manning and company were forced into playing in Week 17. Resting and losing momentum will ultimately lead to yet another early playoff exit.
   
   
3. San Diego Chargers (9-3) – Previously: #4 – An easy win over the Browns, so I want to list some funny posts from the WalterFootball.com Forums:
   
   1. VBSiena: “Moss looks stupid with pubes on his face.”
   
   Hopefully Randy Moss reads this and stops gluing his own pubes to his face.
   
   2. Dowboy: “Rex Ryan is really fat. Could he be an emergency nose tackle?”
   
   Why only emergency? He could start and devour opposing offensive linemen rather easily.
   
   3. McNulty: “Manning is so lucky he has Austin Collie out there to make him look good”
   
   I know, right!? I’ve been saying this for years. Peyton Manning would be a scrub without Austin Collie.
   
   
4. Minnesota Vikings (10-2) – Previously: #3 – I wasn’t really lazy this week, so I created an entire Sunday Night Game analysis! Hooray! An excerpt from my Vikings-Cardinals write-up:
   
   I’m also a bit concerned about the performance Brett Favre put on Sunday night. Favre’s stat line was pretty – 30-of-45, 275 yards, two touchdowns, two interceptions – but he reverted back to many of the tendencies he was guilty of in December 2008. He was constantly throwing off his back foot, and at times, he appeared as though he wasn’t even looking at his intended receiver. Some of Favre’s passes were just heaved up for grabs. This was the exact thing Viking fans didn’t want to see out of Favre.
   
   You can see the rest in my NFL Week 13 Game Recaps page.
   
   
5. Cincinnati Bengals (9-3) – Previously: #6 – Easy win for the Bengals, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “YOUNG = HO-MO ! TITAN’S = HO MO’S ! THIS GAME IS O.V.E.R. !! COLTS ARE JUST TO GOOD FOR THE TITAN’S LOL ”
   
   THIS GUY = ID-IOT !! THIS GUY = I.D.I.O.T !!
   
   2. “this is going to be a lond game”
   
   Damn it. Lond games are never any fun.
   
   3. “DAMN THENIX MIGHT HAVE GOT YU ON THAT HOMIE!”
   
   Don’t argue with anyone named thenix. They will get yu on everything.
   
   
6. Arizona Cardinals (8-4) – Previously: #7 – If I knew Kurt Warner was ready to go, I would have picked the Cardinals. I swear! The Vikings had a road game for the first time since Nov. 1 and had to travel all the way across the country. Arizona, meanwhile, wanted to make a statement by beating Minnesota. I would have won one glorious unit.
   
   Unfortunately, Warner scared me by saying during the week that he was sensitive to light. He also developed an allergy to garlic and felt his skin burn when he stepped inside a church. Stupid vampire quarterback cost me one unit.
   
   
7. Green Bay Packers (8-4) – Previously: #11 – A simple recap of the Ravens-Packers game: Penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty penalty.
   
   This contest tied for the second-most penalized game in NFL history. There were poor calls on both sides, especially on the Ravens, who were the first team with five pass interferences in a single matchup since 2001. The officials in this game were way too overzealous and liberal with their flags.
   
   Here were some comments made in the Live In-Game Thread regarding the refs:
   
   – Cicero: “How was that not holding? Kruger got taken down!”
   
   – EL Guapo: “What, that was a bad call”
   
   – Me: “Oh my God. Horrible call. This game is fixed guys.”
   
   – SLeeK719: “So we get pass interference, but they refuse to throw an offensive holding penalty…nice..that wasn’t even pass int. what a joke!”
   
   – blue5213: “Bad PI call against the Wrens.”
   
   – PuppyPuncher: “I’ve never seen this ref before. Is he a Walt Coleman disciple?”
   
   Aside from the officiating, there were two reasons why the Packers won:
   
   1. The Ravens had two red-zone trips that resulted in zero points. Ray Rice fumbled in the first quarter, while Joe Flacco tossed a very Josh Freeman-like interception inside the 5 in the fourth quarter.
   
   2. The Packers could get pressure on the quarterback, while Baltimore couldn’t. Green Bay has done a phenomenal job protecting Aaron Rodgers since the loss at Tampa Bay, which is why they’ve become one of the top teams in the league and a legit Super Bowl contender. Rodgers has been sacked just eight times in the past four games.
   
   
8. New England Patriots (7-5) – Previously: #5 – Vegas 1, Media Outlets 0.
   
   On Thursday afternoon, the Dolphins-Patriots spread fell from -5.5 to -3, and it went off the board in some books. There was some speculation that Tom Brady was hurt, but ESPN and other media sources scoffed at some of those rumors, citing that there was nothing wrong with Brady, who participated in full practices all week.
   
   Well, well, well. Aside from one deep throw to Randy Moss – which was followed by a trip to the locker room – Brady was all over the place because of a finger injury. He completed only 6-of-15 passes in the second half. He missed several wide-open receivers. He threw a very uncharacteristic interception in the red zone. Despite what his numbers say, he was no better than Chad Henne.
   
   This just goes to show you that Vegas knows all. It’s no accident that they make millions upon millions every year. They have all the inside sources. No one should be surprised that Brady struggled in a loss to a Dolphins squad that just suffered a defeat to Buffalo.
   
   
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-6) – Previously: #8 – Steelers are 4-1 with Troy Polamalu and 2-5 without him. He’ll be back in Week 15 (most likely). Once he returns, the Steelers are unquestionably a top-10 team.
   
   Something I wrote last week:
   
   Speaking of Mike Tomlin, he looked pretty scary when he said, “We’re going to unleash hell in December” after the loss to Baltimore. Somewhere in Oakland, Bruce Gradkowski pooped his pants.
   
   Apparently, Gradkowski’s boxers were not brown!
   
   Oh, and Tomlin should have made himself more clear. By “unleashing hell,” he actually meant that he would allow Al Davis’ minions to escape from Hell and secure inexplicable victories over good teams.
   
   
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-6) – Previously: #9 – I was a bit shocked that the crappy watered-down NFL Primetime showed highlights of the Broncos-Chiefs game; the insufferable Trey Wingo and Merril Hoge have a habit of skipping highlights of what they deem meaningless contests.
    
    But I wasn’t surprised at all that those jacka**es didn’t show any highlights of the Bears-Rams or Panthers-Buccaneers contests. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have never allowed this to happen, yet those clowns simply ignored those games and acted like they never took place.
    
    You may point out that the Bears-Rams and Panthers-Buccaneers matchups are irrelevant right now. That might be the case in the grand scheme of things, but there are many football fans out there who have Steven Jackson, Matt Forte, Devin Hester (who got hurt), Steve Smith, etc. on their fantasy teams. Also, for degenerate gamblers like myself, a highlight package is always a nice refresher the day after watching the game.
    
    I implore you to join this awesome Bring Back NFL Primetime Facebook Group. I just joined, and I will be inviting all of my Facebook friends to be a member. Maybe ESPN will hear our opinions and actually do something about it…
    
    OK, probably not.
    
    

32. Cleveland Browns (1-11) – Previously: #32 – Evan Moore for the win.

With nothing else to say about the Browns, let’s discuss QB Dog Killer for a second. In the wake of the Atlanta game, we have enough film on him to do a profile.

Player Profile: QB Dog Killer

Positives:
– Has a cool nickname that I made up all by myself
– Plays out of the awesome new Cougar offense – an alternative to the Wildcat because QB Dog Killer runs like a middle-aged woman
– Runs 4-yard draws out of the Cougar offense like no one else
– Is an inspiration to animal abusers everywhere – now you can make millions of dollars after committing horrific, inhumane crimes too!
– Could be traded away this offseason to a clueless team for a nifty sixth-round pick

Negatives:
– Has lost the right to have a name, at least on this site; his former name has been retired forever
– Maintains the signs of a pathological liar; doesn’t look at anyone while talking to them and shifts his eyes around a lot
– Is making life difficult for decent but conflicted Eagles fans everywhere
– Has generated such support that I’ve lost faith in humanity
– Will electrocute, hang or drown me after reading this

31. Detroit Lions (2-10) – Previously: #31 – Matthew Stafford is hurt, so let’s talk about another quarterback – a guy who always chokes in December. I sat down with Tony Romo and he talked about his December woes.

Here’s my exclusive interview with Romo:

ME: Hey Tony, thanks for joining me.

ROMO: “Tough loss, tough loss.”

ME: OK, let’s get right to it then. What do you think was your biggest mistake in your recent defeat?

ROMO: “Oh, that’s easy. It was definitely going all in with my 6-2 off-suit. The other guy had pocket kings. I got a six on the turn, but came up just a bit short on the river.”

ME: Umm… Tony…

ROMO: “Well, it wasn’t my fault. I was sitting next to some hot blonde with big boobs. She distracted me. I accumulated a giant stack of chips, but as soon as she sat down, I began losing everything. But we had awesome sex afterward, so it’s OK.”

ME: Wait, Tony…

ROMO: “This always happens to me. I always win early in poker, and then once I see some blonde, I lose my focus and my chip stack dwindles down until I make a foolish decision.”

ME: Tony, I’m not talking about your recent trip to Vegas; I’m referring to that loss against the Giants.

ROMO: “Oh, well you should have been clearer. Yeah, that totally wasn’t my fault. I blame Wade Phillips.”

ME: But didn’t you just blame T.O. for your 2008 collapse?

ROMO: “Of course, but I can afford to do that. Each year, I’ll accumulate pretty stats and make the Pro Bowl, so when I choke in December, most people will say, ‘It’s not Romo’s fault, look at his stats!’ Someone else will always get the blame. I’ve even planned it out. In 2010, it’ll be Roy Williams. In 2011, Marion Barber…”

ME: So you think you’ll keep getting away with this?

ROMO: “Absolutely. I’m the golden boy with the golden arm who likes the golden-haired girls.”

30. St. Louis Rams (1-11) – Previously: #30 – Steven Jackson has become one of my favorite players. Sure, everyone respects his fierce determination on a one-win team, but it’s more than that for me. Jackson and I share the same injury.

If you’re young and you’ve never had a back injury before, count your blessings. They’re not fun at all. Like Jackson, I suffer from back spasms from time to time. I’d be afraid of dating myself here, but I’m only a year older than Jackson.

When they really flare up, it feels like there’s a 45-pound plate attached to your back. And then there’s the excruciating pain from just moving your body from side to side. Oh, and forget about quickly getting up after sitting down for a while. That’ll take you a few minutes.

Now, I just play basketball. I can’t even imagine the pain that Jackson’s going through after getting knocked around by 300-pound linemen and 250-pound linebackers. If I were him, I’d sit out.

Jackson has all my respect. Care to guess who will win the Blue Collar award this year?

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-11) – Previously: #29 – I made the following post in the Live In-Games Thread on Sunday afternoon. I think it pretty much sums up Tampa Bay’s 16-6 loss to Carolina:

“F*** you Josh Freeman. F*** you a**hole. Keep throwing f***ing interceptions douche bag.”

28. Kansas City Chiefs (3-9) – Previously: #27 – Easily one of the saddest displays I’ve ever seen. The Chiefs looked completely horrible on both sides of the line of scrimmage against the Broncos. Denver was pushing Kansas City’s linemen around so easily it looked like a high school team was trying to battle an NFL squad.

By the way, if you haven’t noticed, Matt Cassel hasn’t taken as many sacks lately. That’s because he’s now trying to get rid of the ball as quickly as possible rather than get hurt.

Cassel was never good to begin with, but it looks like Scott Pioli and Todd Haley have ruined him. He’s been sacked so much that he’s past the Marc Bulger Threshold, which is the barrier where a quarterback begins to think, “Aww, f*** it, I don’t care if this pass is intercepted, I just don’t want to be sacked again.”

27. Buffalo Bills (4-8) – Previously: #25 – Geordy B. sent me the following e-mail:

“I’m not sure if you are watching it, but CBS just compared Mark Ingram to Emmitt Smith, which I consider an insult. Then they showed Emmitt on the sidelines talking to Tim Tebow and pointing in all directions. I’m not sure what he was saying, but I think it’s time for oddities!”

You said it, Geordy. Time for oddities!

4:1 – “Tim Tivo, I find it real interestin’ that your team have a player name Chris Rainey. He obviously name after the weather condition where water fall out of the skies.”

4:1 – “Tim Tivo, I think you are good quarterback because not only can you throw the ball, you can run the ball too.”

4:1 – “Tim Tivo, I want to say how big of honor it is to meet the man who finally broke my record. Not only did you broke my record, you have debacled my record. Not only did you debacled my record, you beat it so bad, you do not even imagine how bad you beat or even debacled the record.”

4:1 – “Tim Tivo, I want to come down to the fields to shake your hand and give you the rice of passage… or… uhh… the rights of patches… uhhh… to be more precise, the thing where you have the rice and the patches… I forget.”

26. Washington Redskins (3-9) – Previously: #26 – Maybe Daniel Snyder should have given Albert Haynesworth $99 million instead of $100 million. He could have used that extra million on a solid kicker.

To cheer the Redskins fans up, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “The Chargers can’t hang with the browns next week get off our page”

Poor Browns fans can’t even avoid losing on their own Game Center page.

2. “saints fan your nothing but an idiot. The colts dont deserve to win cause we won in 06? your right hes knows nothing about footbal”

“Hes knows nothing about footbal.” One of the more grammatically correct sentences on NFL.com’s GameCenter.

3. “Seems like message boards today are spammed by utter Idiots.”

What? There aren’t utter Idiots spamming the message boards every day?

25. Seattle Seahawks (5-7) – Previously: #24 – Quad injury or not, Justin Forsett played against the 49ers on Sunday. He received only a quarter of the carries the horrific Julius Jones saw, but also had three catches.

Jim Mora Jr. revealed after the game that Forsett’s quad was bothering him. The thing is, I don’t trust Mora. He could be telling the truth in this instance, but he’s not exactly the most credible person in the world.

Perhaps Mora is covering his own a**. Let’s take a look at Seattle’s drive breakdown (if you remember, I did a similar thing with Jamaal Charles a month ago).

On the four drives that Forsett received a carry or a target, Seattle averaged an amazing 38.5 yards per possession.

On the 12 drives that Forsett didn’t get a touch or a target, Seattle averaged only 10.7 yards per possession.

Conclusion: Even if Forsett had an injury, he still provided the Seahawks with a greater spark than the pedestrian Jones.

Forsett should be completely healed next week. If he receives less touches than Jones, we will know that Mora is a complete moron, once in for all.

24. Chicago Bears (5-7) – Previously: #23 – The key to Chicago’s win over St. Louis? Pretty easy. In fact, here’s what I wrote down (and you tell me if you think I was distracted by something by the time I got to the end of the sentence):

“The difference was that Jay Cutler and Matt Forte scored touchdowns in the red zone, while the Rams had to settle for face masks.”

23. Oakland Raiders (4-8) – Previously: #28 – The Raiders all the way up to No. 23? Well, they’ve beaten the Eagles, Bengals and Steelers this year. With Bruce Gradkowski, they’re 2-1 with their only loss coming on a short travel week at Dallas.

I was thrilled that Oakland beat Pittsburgh because it allowed me to win one of the two survival pools I’m still alive in (I had the Bengals). I didn’t do anything to celebrate the Raiders victory, but according to forum member Colts Homer, Tom Cable certainly did:

“Tom Cable is going to celebrate this win by beating up a hooker in Pittsburgh.”


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Denver Broncos (8-4). Previously: #13
12. Philadelphia Eagles (8-4). Previously: #14
13. New York Giants (7-5). Previously: #15
14. Tennessee Titans (5-7). Previously: #12
15. Miami Dolphins (6-6). Previously: #18
16. Dallas Cowboys (8-4). Previously: #10
17. Atlanta Falcons (6-6). Previously: #17
18. San Francisco 49ers (5-7). Previously: #19
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5). Previously: #20
20. Houston Texans (5-7). Previously: #16
21. New York Jets (6-6). Previously: #21
22. Carolina Panthers (5-7). Previously: #22

1. Steelers (3.4)
2. Packers (3.5)
3. Ravens (3.5)
4. Eagles (3.7)
5. Bengals (3.8)
6. Vikings (3.8)
7. Dolphins (4.0)
8. Jets (4.0)
9. Broncos (4.0)
10. Giants (4.0)
11. Bears (4.2)
12. Falcons (4.2)
13. Redskins (4.2)
14. Jaguars (4.2)
15. Cowboys (4.3)
16. Colts (4.4)
17. Seahawks (4.4)
18. Lions (4.4)
19. Chargers (4.4)
20. 49ers (4.4)
21. Rams (4.5)
22. Titans (4.5)
23. Texans (4.5)
24. Saints (4.5)
25. Patriots (4.5)
26. Browns (4.5)
27. Cardinals (4.5)
28. Panthers (4.6)
29. Chiefs (4.7)
30. Raiders (4.9)
31. Bills (4.9)
32. Buccaneers (4.9)

1. Jets (5.4)
2. Bengals (6.1)
3. Broncos (6.1)
4. Bills (6.2)
5. Packers (6.2)
6. Colts (6.3)
7. Saints (6.4)
8. Eagles (6.5)
9. Chargers (6.5)
10. Steelers (6.8)
11. Texans (6.8)
12. Bears (6.8)
13. Cowboys (6.9)
14. Giants (6.9)
15. Redskins (6.9)
16. Seahawks (7.0)
17. Panthers (7.0)
18. Cardinals (7.0)
19. Ravens (7.1)
20. Patriots (7.1)
21. Vikings (7.2)
22. 49ers (7.2)
23. Jaguars (7.4)
24. Rams (7.6)
25. Buccaneers (7.8)
26. Falcons (8.0)
27. Titans (8.0)
28. Lions (8.1)
29. Chiefs (8.1)
30. Dolphins (8.3)
31. Browns (8.3)
32. Raiders (8.4)