2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 14
Week 13 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (11-1) – Previously: #1 – This team just keeps on winning and covering, no matter whom they play or how much money is on them. And they’re not slowing down like the Patriots started doing in November last year.
   
   As for the big story, I have to say that I enjoyed a headline of one of the New York papers on Monday. With Plaxico Burress’ picture in the background, the headline read: “Giant Idiot.”
   
   By the way, I loved that news reports said, “Burress accidentally shot himself.” Accidentally? You’re telling me that Burress didn’t shoot himself on purpose?
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-3) – Previously: #2 – I flipped on FOX during a commercial on Sunday NFL Countdown. Big mistake. Here’s what Terry Bradshaw had to say about the Patriots-Steelers game:
   
   “The Steelers are tough at home.”
   
   Great analysis, Terry. Only this game was in New England. I just hope Bradshaw didn’t vomit afterward from all the alcohol he consumed right before the show.
   
   
3. Tennessee Titans (11-1) – Previously: #4 – I’d like to say that I’m proud of the Titans for rebounding off their first loss, and not sleep-walking through their next game. But I can’t because they played the Lions. We’ll never have any idea if Tennessee played hard. Half the team could have missed the plane, and the other half could have been stoned off crack, and the Titans still would have won by double digits.
   
   
4. New York Jets (8-4) – Previously: #3 – Speaking of crack, someone in the Jets’ ticket office must have been smoking some when an e-mail was sent out to all ticket holders. To paraphrase, it went something like this:
   
   “Jets ticket holders, there’s a possibility that we could host a wild card game, divisional playoff game and conference championship, so please send us money for all three.”
   
   Sounds like an honest e-mail in theory, but it’s impossible to host three postseason contests. If you’re hosting a second-round game, you had a bye during the wild card round. And if you’re hosting a wild card battle, you play on the road in the divisional round.
   
   Let’s hope this individual isn’t asked to speak in front of an elementary school class or house sit for a rich family.
   
   
5. Dallas Cowboys (8-4) – Previously: #5 – The Cowboys lucked out with these easy games against the Seahawks and 49ers. We’ll find out what they’re really made of in Pittsburgh.
   
   I do have to say though that I haven’t been impressed with the Cowboys. Their secondary still stinks, and Wade Phillips will have extreme difficulty winning playoff games because he’ll be completely overmatched no matter whom he’s playing (with the exception of Brad Clueless). Also, the offensive play-calling was ridiculous against Seattle. When the Seahawks began blitzing, the Cowboys had trouble moving the chains because they didn’t counter by setting up screens.
   
   
6. Atlanta Falcons (8-4) – Previously: #12 – Atlanta over both Carolina and Tampa Bay, huh? Absolutely. I’m done underrating the Falcons. They were supposed to lose on Sunday. They just had a big win against Carolina. Traveling across the country, they were going to be flat against the Chargers, who were in a must-win situation. Not only did Atlanta win; it dominated the game and debacled San Diego’s entire roster.
   
   I feel as though the Falcons have the highest ceiling of any team in the NFC South. The Saints can’t play defense; the Buccaneers aren’t a threat to go far because Jeff Garcia’s arm really limits the offense versus stout defenses (Garcia is 1-4 against the spread in his postseason career for a reason); and the Panthers, particularly Jake Delhomme, are way too inconsistent. You just don’t know which Carolina team will show up each week.
   
   
7. Indianapolis Colts (8-4) – Previously: #6 – I don’t know whether the Colts simply didn’t try against the Browns or shaved points to avoid a cover, but beating Cleveland by only four points is a disgrace.
   
   Let’s talk about the Bears because I have nothing to say about Indianapolis’ pathetic performance.
   
   Chicago’s in trouble. That may sound obvious because the team is just 6-6 and trails the Vikings by one game. But I’m concerned with Kyle Orton. He hasn’t looked right at all since coming back from his injury. He had a couple of nice throws at Minnesota, but was brutal otherwise. Orton’s emergence was a major reason why the Bears were an upstart squad. Now he can’t play anymore.
   
   Dusty Dvoracek’s season-ending injury really hurts as well. Dvoracek, a force against the run this year, is an underrated player and will really be missed.
   
   By the way, crazy fact about the Bears that John Madden mentioned: They haven’t scored a point all season on a drive that started on their own 20. That’s unbelievable. And they’re supposed to fix this with a banged-up Orton?
   
   
8. Carolina Panthers (9-3) – Previously: #8 – I talked about Carolina’s frustrating inconsistency in the Atlanta write-up, so let’s use this space to recap the Vikings:
   
   I don’t care if the team finishes strong with an 11-5 record and somehow captures a bye; I can’t see Minnesota advancing deep into the playoffs. The reason? Simple. Gus Frerotte sucks. And it’s not because he’s not physically gifted. Frerotte just makes too many bone-headed decisions.
   
   For example, despite being up 17-7 in the second quarter against the Bears, Frerotte forced a throw into double coverage and was picked off. Two plays later, Chicago scored a touchdown.
   
   It really is a shame. The Vikings have the best running back in the league. Most of their offensive line is unbelievably talented. Their defense is one of the NFL’s best. If they had a passable quarterback, they’d be a Super Bowl contender. Frerotte isn’t even close.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (8-4) – Previously: #14 – What’s up with Willis McGahee? While LeRon McClain got most of the carries and Ray Rice registered some attempts, McGahee didn’t touch the ball once against the Bengals.
   
   Asked about this, John Harbaugh explained, “It’s strategic. We’ve got a plan for Willis, I guarantee you.”
   
   Poor McGahee. Clearly, Harbaugh’s plan is to erase all records of McGahee’s existence and Photoshop him out of every single picture on the planet.
   
   
10. New England Patriots (7-5) – Previously: #9 – Tough choice between Tampa Bay and New England for the final spot in my Top 10. I chose the Patriots, and I’ll tell you why:
    
    Jeff Garcia really limits Tampa Bay’s playoff prospects. He has one of the weakest arms in the league, and it’s the reason why he has never taken any team past the second round of the postseason. Garcia has a 1-4 spread record in his playoff career.
    
    Matt Cassel doesn’t have a strong arm either, but he can get the ball to Wes Welker and Randy Moss, two excellent play-makers. Though Antonio Bryant has been solid this season, the Buccaneers don’t have anything like Welker or Moss.
    
    Speaking of New England, ESPN ran a nice feature on Sunday NFL Countdown about how the Patriots open up every game with Ozzy Osbourne’s Crazy Train. The amusing part of this piece was that ESPN had to include subtitles whenever Osbourne spoke.

32. Detroit Lions (0-12) – Previously: #32 – Bravo to Chris Berman, who said the following on the Blitz:

“The Redskins have only reached 20 once in the past six weeks, and that was against the Lions. Any stat against the Lions should not count.”

I like it. Nothing against the Lions should count. No passing stats. No comebacks from being down 17-0!! No failed November NFL Picks of the Month because Detroit coughed up a 17-0 lead!!!!!!!!!

I told you, I’m going to be talking about this for decades.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-10-1) – Previously: #30 – No one cares about the Bengals, so let’s discuss the team they somehow tied recently.

Donovan McNabb is the biggest hypocrite ever. After rebounding well and beating the Cardinals, McNabb humbly declared that he didn’t listen to the criticism stemming from the media and fans in the wake of the Cincinnati and Baltimore losses. I thought that was pretty cool. However, a few minutes later, McNabb asked the following the second the interview concluded: “Guess I’m pretty good, huh?”

Genius.

I guess McNabb thought the camera automatically shut off once they concluded the interview. Sounds dumb, but this is the same man who didn’t know about ties.

30. St. Louis Rams (2-10) – Previously: #31 – Nothing positive to say about the Rams, especially Marc Bulger (he sucks) and Torry Holt (he quit), so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with LenDale White!

ME: LenDale, thanks for joining me! I really appreciate you taking time out of your busy eating schedule.

LENDALE: “GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE…”

ME: Huh? What was that?

LENDALE: “GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE…”

ME: This sounds familiar… Can you explain to me what you’re grumbling about?

LENDALE: “GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE…”

ME: Should I bring you a slab of meat? I don’t have any meat on me, so I guess I have to leave, go find a store that sells meat and find my way back to you, huh?

LENDALE: “I’m not even paying attention to you right now.”

ME: What? Why not? That’s pretty rude.

LENDALE: “The only way you’ll get me to pay attention to you is if you go back in time and retrieve the blackberry cobbler Albert Haynesworth stole from me on national TV after the game against the Lions.”

ME: Dude, that’s impossible. That’s it, I have to end this interview right now. I have the sudden urge to play the original Legend of Zelda for some reason.

29. Seattle Seahawks (2-10) – Previously: #29 – The Seahawks showed some life against the poorly coached Cowboys, but just killed themselves with stupid mistakes.

Speaking of stupid mistakes, the question has to be asked: Why did Plaxico Burress shoot himself? Time for oddities!

17:1 – He shoots himself all the time, but didn’t heal this instance because he lost his powers in the recent eclipse.

6:1 – He blamed his foot for his crappy fantasy stats: “Stupid foot! Take that!”

2:1 – He thought it was an effective way to heal his injured leg.

1:7 – He needed an excuse to show up late to a meeting.

28. Kansas City Chiefs (2-10) – Previously: #28 – On Monday Night Countdown Chris Mortensen reported that Chiefs owner Clark Hunt likes the development of his young team so much that Herm Edwards’ job security is safe for years. Years! Did you hear that noise? That’s the sound of Kansas City fans trying to drown themselves.

27. Oakland Raiders (3-9) – Previously: #27 – I wrote this in last week’s Power Rankings. I’m doing the same thing now because it needs to be addressed.

Did you know that the Chiefs and Raiders never played? It’s true. I watched the new, terrible NFL Primetime, and they didn’t cover that game. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have done so in the old version of NFL Primetime. Apparently, the ultra-annoying Merril Hoge was too busy yelling incoherently, dishing out stupid nicknames (“He’s the cashier because he makes you pay with either credit cards or money!”) and handing out fantasy advice (“Start him! He audibles well!”) to discuss the emerging Tyler Thigpen. ESPN hates its viewers. That’s the bottom line. If they cared about their fans, they’d bring back the old NFL Primetime. What they’ve done with that show is a disgrace.

26. Cleveland Browns (4-8) – Previously: #24 – Romeo Crennel, rumored to need a miracle to survive getting axed after this season, announced that he discovered why his team struggled so much this year. Here it is:

“This year, we’ve been inconsistent.”

Looks like Romeo’s memory has been jaded by one too many Oreos. Romeo, you haven’t been inconsistent; you’ve been consistently bad, save for one fluke week against the Giants.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-8) – Previously: #25 – If you look at the box score, you’ll see that David Garrard completed a pass to himself. If you missed the Monday night game (and I don’t blame you if you did), Garrard threw a pass that was batted back to him. Garrard reacted quickly and snatched the ball out of thin air.

At that moment, the Monday night crew made a funny comment about Garrard having better hands than Jerry Porter. Sad, but true.

Later, Matt “Coke Zero” Jones failed to run for a first down because he ran sideways instead of toward the marker. To that, forum member Ryanwest remarked, “I think Jones saw his Coke dealer on the sideline.”

24. San Francisco 49ers (4-8) – Previously: #26 – Nice win by the Niners at Buffalo, and Mike Singletary didn’t even have to drop his pants.

Speaking of which, here’s something to think about. You know when the officials announce this penalty: “Illegal use of hands – hands to the face?” Why do they bother with the “hands to the face” part? When is it not to the face? How else can you illegally use your hands? Just once, I’d like to hear, “Illegal use of hands – hands to the balls.”

23. Houston Texans (5-7) – Previously: #23 – If you picked/bet the Texans on Monday night, were you scared to death every time Sage Rosenchoker threw the ball? I was. I nearly had 24 separate heart attacks. Coincidentally, Rosenchoker attempted 24 passes. How about that? Funny comment by Wraith, by the way:

Sage Rosenfels:

Debacling Walt since week 5.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-3). Previously: #10
12. Arizona Cardinals (7-5). Previously: #7
13. Washington Redskins (7-5). Previously: #13
14. New Orleans Saints (6-6). Previously: #15
15. Miami Dolphins (7-5). Previously: #17
16. Denver Broncos (7-5). Previously: #21
17. Minnesota Vikings (7-5). Previously: #19
18. Chicago Bears (6-6). Previously: #11
19. Philadelphia Eagles (6-5-1). Previously: #22
20. Green Bay Packers (5-7). Previously: #16
21. Buffalo Bills (6-6). Previously: #20
22. San Diego Chargers (4-8). Previously: #18

1. Vikings (3.3)
2. Steelers (3.3)
3. Ravens (3.3)
4. Jets (3.4)
5. Giants (3.4)
6. Bears (3.6)
7. Eagles (3.6)
8. Cardinals (3.6)
9. Titans (3.8)
10. 49ers (3.9)
11. Buccaneers (3.9)
12. Dolphins (3.9)
13. Seahawks (4.0)
14. Bengals (4.0)
15. Saints (4.0)
16. Patriots (4.1)
17. Cowboys (4.1)
18. Chargers (4.1)
19. Bills (4.2)
20. Redskins (4.2)
21. Jaguars (4.3)
22. Panthers (4.3)
23. Colts (4.3)
24. Raiders (4.4)
25. Texans (4.5)
26. Browns (4.7)
27. Falcons (4.7)
28. Packers (4.9)
29. Broncos (5.1)
30. Rams (5.1)
31. Lions (5.3)
32. Chiefs (5.3)

1. Steelers (5.4)
2. Titans (5.8)
3. Ravens (6.0)
4. Panthers (6.2)
5. Buccaneers (6.2)
6. Redskins (6.3)
7. Packers (6.4)
8. Eagles (6.4)
9. Giants (6.4)
10. Colts (6.4)
11. Bears (6.5)
12. Cowboys (6.8)
13. Bengals (6.9)
14. Bills (6.9)
15. Chargers (7.0)
16. 49ers (7.0)
17. Saints (7.0)
18. Raiders (7.1)
19. Falcons (7.1)
20. Vikings (7.1)
21. Cardinals (7.2)
22. Jets (7.3)
23. Dolphins (7.4)
24. Browns (7.4)
25. Texans (7.6)
26. Broncos (7.6)
27. Patriots (7.6)
28. Chiefs (7.6)
29. Jaguars (7.7)
30. Seahawks (7.9)
31. Rams (8.3)
32. Lions (8.8)