2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 15
Week 14 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (11-2) – Previously: #1 – I’m not concerned at all by this Plaxico Burress fiasco. They’ve overcome so much in the past. Sure, they lost to the Eagles, but Philadelphia just played the game of its life. That game was the Eagles’ Super Bowl, much like Cleveland’s “title game” against the Giants on a Monday night earlier in the year. And remember, if Domenik Hixon catches that long touchdown pass, New York establishes a lead, making things more difficult for the Eagles. I think the Giants will be fine.
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-3) – Previously: #2 – No surprise the Steelers were involved in yet another controversial game in terms of betting (groan).
   
   By the way, for those who watched the Cowboys-Steelers game: Did anyone else think that Wade Phillips looked like the Michelin Man in his blue, puffy jacket?
   
   
   
   
3. Tennessee Titans (12-1) – Previously: #3 – Not much to say about Tennessee’s win against the Browns, so here’s an amusing quote by Plaxico Burress, who spoke to his fellow receivers through the media:
   
   “Win the game for me. I’ll be grading each of your performances. And if you get a bad grade, I’ll shoot you in the foot.”
   
   OK, maybe I made up that last part. Domenik Hixon better hope so anyway.
   
   
4. Carolina Panthers (10-3) – Previously: #8 – Something really irks me. I hate it when coaches challenge the most obvious calls ever. Jon Gruden and John Fox were both guilty of this. Gruden reviewed a Steve Smith catch where he obviously had two feet inbounds and complete control of the football. Fox then challenged a Ronde Barber interception even though Barber clearly had a knee inbounds.
   
   You may say that hindsight is 20-20, but so were the instant replays! It was obvious when ESPN showed the replay the first time. Both Gruden and Fox, as well as every other head coach in the NFL, have people upstairs assigned to look at these replays to inform them if they’re worth challenging. Either Gruden and Fox employ complete imbeciles, or they just suck at decision-making. Based on their track records, I have to believe it’s the former.
   
   
5. Indianapolis Colts (9-4) – Previously: #7 – Anyone else confused by the Colts? They should have lost to both the Vikings and Texans. They barely beat the stinkin’ Browns and Texans (the second time around.) They were debacled at Green Bay, 34-14. Only two of their victories are by more than six points. Yet, they’re 9-4, and have impressive wins at San Diego and Pittsburgh.
   
   I can’t figure this team out. Are they good? Are they terrible and simply lucky? Is Tony Dungy really Bat Boy? As Emmitt would say, “The Colts has debacled my brain… and my minds.”
   
   
6. Baltimore Ravens (9-4) – Previously: #9 – The most underrated team in the league will continue to be underrated. Even though the Ravens won on Sunday night, Joe Flacco didn’t look all that impressive, as he went 10-of-21 for 134 yards, one touchdown and a pick.
   
   Part of the reason I kept going against the Ravens in my NFL Picks is because subconsciously, I would think of Brian Billick’s inept offense when dealing with any Baltimore game. Joe Flacco, despite Sunday night’s performance, is much better than anyone Billick ever coached. I don’t think the public is convinced.
   
   
7. New York Jets (8-5) – Previously: #4 – Jets fans have to be really frustrated right now. After beating both the Patriots and undefeated Titans on the road, they’ve fallen to flaky Denver and 5-8 San Francisco.
   
   I’ve brought this up before, but I think the Jets would have been better off losing at Tennessee. They exerted so much energy in that two-game road trip that they’re just running on fumes right now. They look dead and unfocused – basically the same way the Redskins have played since beating the Cowboys and Eagles as visitors.
   
   It just seems like the Jets peaked too early and don’t really have anything left in the tank. They’ll likely scrape by Buffalo, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if they finish the season with a 1-2 record at the very best.
   
   
8. Atlanta Falcons (8-5) – Previously: #6 – Tough defeat for the Falcons. That game could have gone either way. Losing to the Saints at the Superdome is nothing to be ashamed of; Tampa Bay is also guilty of this, coincidentally by the same 4-point margin.
   
   Anyway, more on the Baltimore-Washington game. Is the bloom is off the Jim Zorn rose, or what? Since winning back-to-back games at Dallas and Philadelphia, the Redskins are 3-5 and haven’t beaten any team – including Seattle, Cleveland and St. Louis – by more than three points. A 25-17 victory at Detroit doesn’t count because everyone beats the Lions. That’s the only game Washington has covered since the Eagles win, by the way.
   
   Zorn also wasted everyone’s time and his last challenge by reviewing a call that awarded his team just five yards. Everyone in the stadium, including John Madden, Al Michaels and the entire Redskins sideline, was pretty befuddled by the decision.
   
   
9. New England Patriots (8-5) – Previously: #10 – It figures that the first time I pick the Patriots off a loss this season is the first time they don’t beat the spread.
   
   New England’s defense stinks. How do you let Seneca “The Backdoor Bandit” Wallace throw three touchdown passes in a single game? How do you allow the Seahawks convert third down after third down? And why are you relying on 80-year-old has-beens like Junior Seau? Couldn’t the Patriots get someone who doesn’t, I don’t know, wear adult diapers to replace Tedy Bruschi and Adalius Thomas?
   
   
10. Dallas Cowboys (8-5) – Previously: #5 – I’ve made up plenty of nicknames on this site. Sage Rosenfels is Sage Rosenchoker. J.P. Losman is J.P. Zohan. Byron Leftwich is Byron Sandwich.
    
    I’d like to give Tony Romo a new name in December. Because he’s 4-8 straight up and 1-9-2 against the spread after Nov. 30 in his three-year career, I think it’s safe to say that Romo chokes. You know who else chokes? Famous porn star Aurora Snow.
    
    So, whenever the date is past Nov. 30, Tony Romo shall now be known as Aurora Snowmo.

32. Detroit Lions (0-13) – Previously: #32 – While Chris Berman and Tom Jackson are openly rooting for the Lions to win their first game, I’ll admit that I’m hoping that they finish 0-16.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I believe Detroit fans deserve a winner. But I also think that owner William Clay Ford needs to be embarrassed. He has proven time and again that he doesn’t care about the people who cheer on his team. Case in point: Matt Millen not being fired until the owner’s son said something about it. William Clay Darth Sidious Ford kept Millen around because he was a good friend, completely ignoring all the crappy picks and signings the inept GM made over the years.

Also, I’d be remiss if I’m still angry about the blown 17-0 lead that debacled my November NFL Pick of the Month. I still have nightmares about that. I can’t sleep. I really need therapy.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (1-11-1) – Previously: #31 – Mike Brown, William Clay Ford, Al Davis… what do these guys have in common? They’re terrible owners and their teams all suck. That’s not a coincidence.

Speaking of Undead Al, I think this quote pretty much epitomizes Oakland’s season. Cris Collinsworth said the following during the Oakland-San Diego game on Thursday night:

“There was a belief that Javon Walker would come in and strengthen the offense.”

That belief came from Al Davis, who also sacrifices young virgins and thinks that a pint of goat blood a day keeps the doctor away.

30. St. Louis Rams (2-11) – Previously: #30 – A funny exchange between Jim Haslett and bust corner Tye Hill:

Haslett: “I don’t know what the time frame is on him. It’s been a long time already.”

Hill: “What can you say? At least I can say I made it to the league.”

Yeah, good job, Tye! We’re all thrilled that you made the NFL despite being a top 15 NFL Draft pick. What an achievement!

29. Seattle Seahawks (2-11) – Previously: #29 – Vegas should send The Backdoor Bandit a large check after this season. Seneca Wallace has single-handedly screwed so many bettors, myself included. The backdoor cover at Tampa Bay. The backdoor cover at Miami. The inexplicable three touchdowns against the Patriots, who were coming off a loss.

Forget Michael Vick, Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. I would like to nominate The Backdoor Bandit as the most hated man in the NFL. Anyone who has wagered against Seattle recently would agree with me.

28. Oakland Raiders (3-10) – Previously: #27 – JaMarcus Russell looks like a bust. I know that’s not fair to say because he has no receivers or talented offensive linemen to work with, but still…

So, what can Russell do to prevent himself from emerging as the next great bust? Time for oddities!

EVEN – Drink a pint of goat blood every day like Al Davis does. Goat blood apparently makes you live forever. Russell will have a million years to emerge as an NFL quarterback.

2:1 – Take over for Undead Al as the franchise’s GM and NFL Draft scout.

3:1 – Hire Gosder Cherilus and Moran Norris to beat up the other team’s defensive players the night before each game.

8:1 – Ask Undead Al to turn him into a vampire. It’s widely known that vampires have superior strength, speed and pocket awareness.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) – Previously: #25 – Nothing positive to say about the Jaguars, so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Jack Del Rio!

ME: Jack, thanks for joining me. I want to let you know that I respect you as a coach, despite what your team is going through this season.

DEL RIO: “Thanks, Walt. I really appreciate it.”

ME: Whoa… something just hit me. I feel…

DEL RIO: “What? What is it?”

ME: Ugh, there it goes again. Suddenly, I have no energy. What’s going on here?

DEL RIO: “I don’t know… are you sick?”

ME: No… it’s just… Wow… I feel really unmotivated right now.

DEL RIO: “Why?”

ME: Not sure… I suddenly feel like doing some drugs, eating Cheetos and passing out on my couch. I’m not really motivated to do anything. I don’t even want to run my Web site anymore.

DEL RIO: “That’s pretty weird, Walt. Not because of what you’re going through – but because all of my players have said the same thing to me after I’ve talked to them.”

ME: Uhh… no energy… no stamina to eat… passing out… let yourself out… Zzzz…

26. Cleveland Browns (4-9) – Previously: #26 – Let’s see… Ken Dorsey throws like an old woman; Braylon Edwards couldn’t catch a cold if he were naked in Antarctica; and Romeo Crennel couldn’t coach his way out of a paper bag. Not that Romeo would want to if there were Oreos in the paper bag with him.

25. Kansas City Chiefs (2-11) – Previously: #28 – What happened to Herm Edwards? I used to love calling him Conservative Herm. However, in the past few weeks, he’s been more liberal with his play-calling. Against the Broncos, Herm went for it on fourth-and-one on his own 41, up 10-7 in the second quarter!

Maybe Herm was just so conservative all these years because all of his quarterbacks sucked. Herm has evolved!

From here on, Herm shall now be known as Aggressive Herm!

24. Buffalo Bills (6-7) – Previously: #21 – Bills fans who couldn’t watch this game on TV or in the Rogers Centre, and were forced to follow it on NFL.com’s Game Center, were thrilled when the following notification came up (thanks, Wraith):

2-10 MIA20 (3:24) (Shotgun) J.Losman Aborted. D.Preston FUMBLES at MIA 22, recovered by BUF-J.Losman at MIA 22. J.Losman to MIA 22 for no gain (M.Roth).

If only J.P. Zohan were really aborted… Maybe the Bills could have won on Sunday.

23. Green Bay Packers (5-8) – Previously: #20 – How do you lose back-to-back must-wins at home? Terrible.

I wrote this in my last two Power Rankings. I’m doing the same thing now because it needs to be addressed.

Did you know that the Packers and Texans never played? It’s true – and I imagine Green Bay fans are thrilled right now. I watched the new, terrible NFL Primetime, and they didn’t cover that game. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have done so in the old version of NFL Primetime. Apparently, the ultra-annoying Merril Hoge was too busy yelling incoherently, dishing out stupid nicknames (“He’s the cashier because he makes you pay with either credit cards or money!”) and handing out fantasy advice (“Start him! He audibles well!”) to discuss the inexplicable demise of the Packers. ESPN hates its viewers. That’s the bottom line. If they cared about their fans, they’d bring back the old NFL Primetime. What they’ve done with that show is a disgrace.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-4). Previously: #11
12. Philadelphia Eagles (7-5-1). Previously: #19
13. Arizona Cardinals (8-5). Previously: #12
14. New Orleans Saints (7-6). Previously: #14
15. Miami Dolphins (8-5). Previously: #15
16. Minnesota Vikings (8-5). Previously: #17
17. Chicago Bears (7-6). Previously: #18
18. Denver Broncos (8-5). Previously: #16
19. San Diego Chargers (5-8). Previously: #22
20. Houston Texans (6-7). Previously: #23
21. Washington Redskins (7-6). Previously: #13
22. San Francisco 49ers (5-8). Previously: #24

1. Ravens (3.2)
2. Vikings (3.3)
3. Steelers (3.3)
4. Jets (3.3)
5. Giants (3.5)
6. Cardinals (3.6)
7. Titans (3.6)
8. Bears (3.7)
9. Eagles (3.7)
10. Dolphins (3.9)
11. Bengals (3.9)
12. 49ers (4.0)
13. Seahawks (4.0)
14. Saints (4.0)
15. Patriots (4.0)
16. Cowboys (4.0)
17. Chargers (4.1)
18. Redskins (4.1)
19. Bills (4.2)
20. Jaguars (4.3)
21. Panthers (4.3)
22. Colts (4.3)
23. Raiders (4.3)
24. Buccaneers (4.4)
25. Texans (4.5)
26. Browns (4.8)
27. Packers (4.8)
28. Falcons (4.9)
29. Rams (5.0)
30. Broncos (5.1)
31. Lions (5.2)
32. Chiefs (5.4)

1. Steelers (5.5)
2. Titans (5.6)
3. Ravens (6.0)
4. Redskins (6.3)
5. Eagles (6.3)
6. Buccaneers (6.4)
7. Panthers (6.4)
8. Giants (6.4)
9. Colts (6.4)
10. Bears (6.4)
11. Packers (6.7)
12. Cowboys (6.7)
13. Chargers (6.8)
14. Bills (6.8)
15. 49ers (6.8)
16. Bengals (7.0)
17. Falcons (7.1)
18. Cardinals (7.1)
19. Saints (7.2)
20. Raiders (7.2)
21. Dolphins (7.2)
22. Jets (7.3)
23. Vikings (7.3)
24. Browns (7.3)
25. Jaguars (7.5)
26. Broncos (7.5)
27. Patriots (7.6)
28. Chiefs (7.6)
29. Seahawks (7.7)
30. Texans (7.8)
31. Rams (8.3)
32. Lions (8.8)