2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 9
Week 8 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (6-1) – Previously: #1 – I’m still ranking the Giants first. Their victory at Pittsburgh was much more impressive than Tennessee’s win over a dying Colts squad.
   
   Speaking of the Titans, I had a laugh when Jeff Fisher explained LenDale White’s 80-yard touchdown run against the Chiefs by saying, “He must have had a salad for lunch.” Hilarious. I should hire Fisher to be a writer for this Web site.
   
   
2. Tennessee Titans (7-0) – Previously: #2 – I know this was a huge game for the Titans. They even brought out Hank Williams, Steve McNair, Eddie George and Frank Wycheck to pump up the crowd. The victory was nice and much-needed, but the Colts suck. They could be 1-6 right now. I still think Tennessee has much tougher tests down the road. In fact, they play a Packers squad next week that demolished Indianapolis.
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2) – Previously: #3 – Nothing wrong with losing to the Giants – even at home. New York is just that good. Plus, the Steelers didn’t have Santonio Holmes and dealt with problems at long-snapper, which led to a safety.
   
   But what’s up with the offensive line? This was a huge problem last year, yet Pittsburgh didn’t do anything to improve it. I know Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed were great value picks, but the Steelers should have upgraded their front.
   
   
4. Washington Redskins (6-2) – Previously: #5 – A very blah win, but at least Jason Campbell still has no picks on the year. Nothing really to discuss about beating the Lions, so let’s talk about something else.
   
   I had a similar preface last week, but I’ll have to post it again to avoid any sort of death threats:
   
   Mike Ditka should be known as NFL Football Overlord. No greater man has ever walked the planet. If Ditka says something, it’s automatically true, even if it’s 1 + 1 = 3. Do not question Ditka, the NFL Football Overlord.
   
   However, I’m about to go against my own advice. On Ditka’s Doghouse segment during Sunday NFL Countdown, Ditka put the NFL in the doghouse because of the regular-season game in London. Ditka said it would be a distraction to a pair of 3-4 teams struggling to make the playoffs. Yeah, it was a huge distraction for the Giants last year, Coach.
   
   I like the idea of a London game every year. There was a crowd of 83,000, so you know they’re into it. The NFL can only get better if other countries start playing it and produce players of their own. The more talent available to this league, the better.
5. Buffalo Bills (5-2) – Previously: #4 – Bills fans may be upset by their loss to the Dolphins. Going down to the noodle-armed Chad Pennington can bring tears to any person’s eyes, but as I mentioned on the NFL Picks page, that was a really tough spot for a young Buffalo squad that isn’t used to winning yet. I don’t know if they’ll cover both games, but I believe the Bills will rebound against the Jets and Patriots.
   
   
6. Carolina Panthers (6-2) – Previously: #10 – Steve Smith is amazing. How did he stay inbounds?
   
   Carolina is so awesome right now that following New Orleans’ blowout loss to the Panthers, the Saints cut punter Steve Weatherford. Nice move. They were completely debacled at Carolina, so Sean Payton needed a scapegoat: “Hey you, punter, you’re cut! I don’t even know your name, but clean out your locker and get the hell out of here!”
   
   Hey, it worked!
   
   
7. Chicago Bears (4-3) – Previously: #6 – Bye. Once again, I’m sure other power ranking lists have the Bears lower than this, but they could very easily be 7-0 right now. They would have beaten the Buccaneers if Charles “Peanut” Tillman didn’t commit a senseless personal foul in overtime, negating a Tampa punt out of the end zone. They held a large lead against Carolina, but relinquished it. Meanwhile, a fluke throw by Matt Ryan against a beat-up secondary gave Chicago its third loss.
   
   
8. Green Bay Packers (4-3) – Previously: #7 – Bye. The Packers should seriously consider hiring Matt Millen. Hey, I’m super duper serial. Now that it has become clear that Brett Favre shares all of his secrets with Millen, anyone playing Green Bay can question him for information on how to beat them. If Millen is hired as Ted Thompson’s “special assistant,” opponents won’t be able to do that. Besides, the Packers can just give Millen an office in the basement of their stadium and take his red stapler away from him.
   
   
9. New Orleans Saints (4-4) – Previously: #14 – The last team to win the London game? Super Bowl champs.
   
   I probably have the Saints higher than other publications, but two of their losses belong to Martin Gramatica. A third defeat came late against 6-2 Washington. New Orleans had an ugly loss to Carolina, but I attribute that to Marques Colston coming back prematurely, and Drew Brees struggling because of that.
   
   
10. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3) – Previously: #8 – One word can describe Tampa Bay’s offense: “Snore.” No downfield threat. None whatsoever.
    
    Quote of the Week: “Hey Earnest Graham, the Top 10 running back store called, and they ran out of you.” – Puppy Puncher in response to some members on the forum calling Graham a top 10 running back. Graham totaled just 42 yards on 17 carries against a mediocre rush defense.
    
    

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8) – Previously: #30 – Thanks for showing up, losers. Let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Brett Favre!

Hey, Brett. You might be the most famous guest I’ve ever had. Thanks for joining me!

“No problem. I might leave this interview early, but I’m not sure. I still have to decide.”

Why? Did I do anything wrong? Do I smell? I just showered about five hours ago! I swear!

“It’s not you; it’s me. I kind of want to go home to my family so I can hunt. But I kind of want to stay. And I may want to do an interview with another Web site as well – but only if you find someone to replace me when I go home.”

No way! You’ll always be my top option, Brett!

“That’s great. Hey, want some advice on how to get more hits than espn.com, nfl.com and cbs.sportsline.com?”

You know how I can do that? Seriously? I’m all ears, Brett.

“You gotta attack them hard.”

Uh… that’s it? Attack them hard? What does that mean?

“I see that you don’t appreciate me as much anymore. I’m going home to my family. I’ll announce whether I’m coming back a few hours prior to your next power rankings update so you won’t have enough time to find another guest. And if you do, I’ll do an interview with another Web site.”

31. Detroit Lions (0-7) – Previously: #32 – Baby steps. It’s going to take a lot to turn this franchise around. Let’s look at how the Lions have progressed this season:

1. They managed to fire a general manager who ruined the franchise with terrible draft picks, signings and trades for the past seven years.

2. Their quarterback has finally learned the dimensions of the field, and will no longer be stepping out of the end zone.

3. They scored their first opening-quarter points of the season – in Week 8! Hey, it’s better than no first-quarter points at all!

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6) – Previously: #31 – How did Tyler Thigpen go 25-of-36 for 280 yards and two touchdowns? There’s no explicable reason for this… or is there? Time for oddities!

12:1 – Thigpen laced the Jets’ defensive players’ breakfast with LSD. The defensive backs didn’t see Thigpen’s passes coming because they were busy chasing pink dragons and talking to imaginary prospective college students.

9:1 – Deuce McAllister sold Thigpen some “Magic Quarterback Improvement” pills.

6:1 – Thigpen pulled an Arthur Petrelli and sucked all the talent out of Brett Favre, which would explain Favre’s three picks.

1:3 – Favre traded some secrets on how to beat the Jets to Thigpen in exchange for hunting equipment. Thigpen, in turn, attacked them hard.

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6) – Previously: #28 – If I didn’t make it clear in my NFL Picks page or my Week 8 NFL Review, YOU DON’T FIRE A COACH SIX DAYS BEFORE A GAME! Lucky Seattle enjoyed a victory because the 49ers were so discombobulated.

You can’t really blame the 49ers for firing Nolan; the problem was that they leaked this information before they were actually going to can Nolan. This prompted the proud former head coach to approach the owner and demand to be let go immediately. Per Chris Mortensen’s reports, the owner’s son actually cried and begged Nolan to stay. Nolan declined, but consoled Jed York and offered him five free tickets to Super Fun Time. Jed immediately stopped crying and began scheduling his next birthday party. Pizza! Skee ball! Arcades! Who needs Mike Nolan!?

28. Seattle Seahawks (2-5) – Previously: #29 – Speaking of the 49ers, Yahoo Sports recently reported that preseason indications that Shaun Hill had a tired arm were fabricated by Mike Nolan and Mike Martz in an effort to vault J.T. O’Sullivan over Hill. How’s that working out for ya?

Luckily for 49ers fans, it looks like Mike Singletary is finally bringing some sanity to the franchise. Look for Hill to become the starter for the rest of the year. O’Sullivan, meanwhile, will be force to move on to the CFL, Arena League or the Mexican Football League, and ruin another team by committing tons of fumbles and interceptions.

27. Oakland Raiders (2-5) – Previously: #24 – I don’t know what to say anymore. Tom Cable pumped up the Raiders and had them playing hard against the Jets, but he made so many mistake in the Ravens contest, I have no idea how he even won 11 games at Idaho. Suddenly, his 11-35 record looks impressive. For a list of Cable’s gaffs, check out the Week 8 NFL Review.

26. St. Louis Rams (2-5) – Previously: #27 – Marc Bulger just threw the longest touchdown pass of his career, a 69-yard strike to Donnie Avery. Bulger told the media that he’s finally getting used to Avery’s 4.2 speed. Hey, maybe there is something to drafting players just based off 40 times. Al Davis is a genius!

25. Miami Dolphins (3-4) – Previously: #26 – Nice win by the Dolphins, but I already discussed it in the Bills write-up. Instead, let’s talk about something near and dear to my heart.

This new NFL Primetime sucks. The three guys they have on there don’t even come close to Chris Berman and Tom Jackson, and now the producers have worsened the show even more by replacing the classic NFL Primetime music with some terrible crap that hurts my ears. When you factor in Merril Hoge yelling about factor backs every five seconds, I’ll be shocked if I’m not deaf by the end of the year.

24. Cleveland Browns (3-4) – Previously: #25 – This team is so inconsistent. Someone from Stats Inc. should cross reference Cleveland’s success and the number of coaching gaffs Crennel has each game with the amount of cookies he devours each week. We can also look at the type of cookies. Do Oreos equal a win? Do Chips Ahoy equal a loss? What would get us a tie? This is something we must know.

23. New York Jets (4-3) – Previously: #23 – I don’t care who you are. If you allow a visiting Chiefs squad to nearly beat you, and you make Tyler Thigpen look like the second coming of Joe Montana, you belong in the Bottom 10. New York’s four victories have come against: Miami (3-4), Cincinnati (0-8), Kansas City (1-6) and the jet-lagged, Adrian Wilson-less Cardinals (4-3). I am not impressed.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3) – Previously: #11
12. Arizona Cardinals (4-3). Previously: #16
13. Denver Broncos (4-3). Previously: #9
14. Dallas Cowboys (5-3). Previously: #12
15. San Diego Chargers (3-5). Previously: #13
16. Atlanta Falcons (4-3). Previously: #18
17. New England Patriots (5-2). Previously: #19
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4). Previously: #15
19. Indianapolis Colts (3-4). Previously: #17
20. Baltimore Ravens (4-3). Previously: #20
21. Houston Texans (3-4). Previously: #23
22. Minnesota Vikings (3-4). Previously: #21

1. Ravens (2.7)
2. Jets (3.0)
3. Steelers (3.0)
4. Vikings (3.1)
5. Eagles (3.6)
6. Buccaneers (3.6)
7. Titans (3.7)
8. Cardinals (3.7)
9. Bills (3.7)
10. Giants (3.8)
11. Dolphins (3.8)
12. Bears (3.8)
13. 49ers (3.8)
14. Seahawks (3.9)
15. Panthers (4.0)
16. Texans (4.1)
17. Cowboys (4.1)
18. Redskins (4.2)
19. Bengals (4.2)
20. Saints (4.3)
21. Chargers (4.3)
22. Raiders (4.3)
23. Colts (4.3)
24. Patriots (4.4)
25. Jaguars (4.4)
26. Falcons (4.7)
27. Packers (4.8)
28. Browns (4.9)
29. Lions (4.9)
30. Rams (5.0)
31. Broncos (5.9)
32. Chiefs (6.1)

1. Steelers (5.7)
2. Titans (5.7)
3. Redskins (5.9)
4. Packers (6.0)
5. Panthers (6.1)
6. Bears (6.1)
7. Buccaneers (6.3)
8. Ravens (6.4)
9. Colts (6.5)
10. Eagles (6.7)
11. Cowboys (6.7)
12. Bengals (6.8)
13. Bills (6.9)
14. Giants (7.0)
15. 49ers (7.1)
16. Saints (7.1)
17. Falcons (7.1)
18. Chargers (7.1)
19. Jets (7.2)
20. Vikings (7.2)
21. Jaguars (7.5)
22. Raiders (7.5)
23. Chiefs (7.6)
24. Patriots (7.8)
25. Broncos (7.8)
26. Browns (7.8)
27. Seahawks (7.9)
28. Cardinals (8.0)
29. Texans (8.1)
30. Dolphins (8.2)
31. Rams (8.4)
32. Lions (9.5)