NFL Power Rankings

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NFL Power Rankings: Playoffs
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1.

Seattle Seahawks (14-4) – Previously: #1 – Russell Wilson was awesome at the end of the game, but he was brutal in the first half. What happened exactly? I was perplexed until I saw the following picture taken of Wilson…

Wow. No wonder the Seahawks sucked early on. Sounds like this is another edition of…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

Derek Anderson: Seeattllee soounndds liikkee funnn ppllaaccee to parrrttyy wiithth mmyy frriiendn Jaayy Cuuttlleer hic!

Jay Cutler: I cann’tt parrtyy tooo loongng broroo! I gogott pplalayy foototbball gaammee.

Derek Anderson: But I thhoughtt yyoourr teamam loossstteddd innn pplaayoofff lalsstt weeekk hic!

Jay Cutler: PPLALAYOOFF! FFUUSSKSK YYEEW II DUNNOO LOOSSEE IN PPLALAYYOFF BEBCCAUS EI NNEVEER PLALAYY INNNN PLAYIOOFF HIC! Thasss whyy I kididnnaapp Ruusskkell Willkenss and stoollened hisss jerrsseyy looooll!!!

Derek Anderson: But yeyeww dodonnt eveennn loookek liikkee Ruusskkell Wiollkenns MMVPP cnndidiate.

Jay Cutler: Thasss raccisis brroroo hic!

*** At halftime… ***

Derek Anderson: Heyey mmaann whhyy yeeww nonoott innnn yewwr Seeahahwkk jeerssyey annynnmore??

Jay Cutler: I dunnoo I dunn ccaree bbout football I dunnn reallyl ccarree bbouutt nneethinng I’mm jusss goonna siitt onn thhee cooacch anndd starree attt the wwalll foorr likkeke a weeek oorrr maaabbee a mmonntth I dunnnn careeere.

2.

New England Patriots (14-4) – Previously: #2 – The Patriots opened as underdogs at +2 and then went to +3 with some sharp action on the Seahawks. Once New England got way out in front of Indianapolis, the public pounded the AFC team, prompting the Patriots to be favored. Not to scare New England fans, or anything, but the same thing happened with the Broncos a year ago.

Sorry about that, Pats fans. Here’s something that’ll cheer you up:

Green Bay Packers (13-5) – Previously: #3 – Mike McCarthy cost his team by being too conservative at the 1-yard line. He left eight points off the board, which ultimately helped the Seahawks mount a furious fourth-quarter comeback.

I just had to find out why McCarthy was so conservative despite having Aaron Rodgers under center, so I sat down with him for an interview. Here’s the transcript:

Me: Hey Mike, thanks for agreeing to the interview.

McCarthy: …

Me: Sorry about your loss, Mike.

McCarthy: …

Me: So, what was the thought process on those two field goals?

McCarthy: …

Me: Mike, why won’t you answer me? What are you writing down? Hmm, let’s see… “I cannot risk using my vocal cords, for one of them may burst while I’m talking, so I’ll play it safe and write instead.”

McCarthy: …

Me: But aren’t you taking a risk by writing? What if you snap your wrist? Mike, where are you going? You look like I scared the s*** out of you, but I wasn’t trying to do that! Mike! MIKE!

7.

Indianapolis Colts (13-6) – Previously: #6 – Andrew Luck can’t beat the Patriots. One of three things will happen:

1. With some help, he’ll eventually be able to overcome his nemesis.

2. Belichick and Brady will retire, opening the door for the bearded quarterback.

3. Luck will kidnap Brady and chain him up in his basement so that the Patriots don’t beat his team anymore.

I think Brady would be OK with that as long as his barber came by every two weeks to give him his Justin Bieber Lesbian haircuts.

At any rate, Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:

TIME FOR THE AFL CHAMPIOSNHIP! PATRITETS VS COLTS. WE BEAT PAYTON MANNENG NOW WERE GONNA BEAT TOM BRADEY

I HAVE A TRIVIAL QUESTION: WHAT DO PAYTON MANNENGN AND TOM BRADEY HAVE IN C’MON???

“@coltfan123 You spelled both their names wrong?” SHUT UP YOUR GAY!!!

“@PacerFan33 They are both QBs.” LOL no duh YOU MORMON!!!

NO 1 GOT THE ANSWER RITE ITS THAT MANNENG AND BRADEY ARE BOTH HOMOS WHO GOING TO LOSTED TO THE COLT!!!

ughhh td pats pats got luckey here come andrew lucks get it andrew lucks and luckey???

@BoomHerron IF YOU DONT STOP DROPPING PASSES IM GONNA HUNT YOU DOWN AND THROW YOU OFF A BRIGE!!!

@ClutchVinatieri WOWOWOW LOOK AT THAT MISS AND YOU CALL YOU’RESELF CLUTCH!!! LOLOLOLOL YOU SUCK

@ClutchVinatieri srsly you blow dude. you belong in an retiremend home your like so old

BRADEY BRADEY BRADEY WHY YOU START PICKENG!!!

TOUCHED DOWN COLT!!! HERE WE COME COLT ANDEEW LUCK IS BEAST QB!!!!!!!!

ugghghhh bullsshot touchded down to NATE SOLDIER WHO THE FUKC IS NATE SOLDIER I DINT SEE HIM IN FAN DUAL

ANOTHER TOUCH DOWN FOR PATRIET FUSK THIS SHYET

patriet scores again. @colts are suck. they are real suck.

@colt are real suck GAY TEAM FULL OF LOOSERS I CANT BELIEVE I OWN THIS TEAM

@COLTS FOR SAIL SERUSLY. THIS IS GAYEST TEAM ON NFL. WE CANT EVER WIN BIG GAMES FUSK THIS IM GETTING STONED

Previously Eliminated NFL Teams:
4. Baltimore Ravens. Previously: #4.
5. Dallas Cowboys. Previously: #5.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. Previously: #7.
8. Denver Broncos. Previously: #8.
9. Detroit Lions. Previously: #9.
10. Carolina Panthers. Previously: #10.
11. Cincinnati Bengals. Previously: #11.
12. Arizona Cardinals. Previously: #12.

Fantasy Football Studs and Scrubs

Top Fantasy Quarterback:

Tom Brady: 23-of-35, 226 yards. 3 TDs, 1 INT. 3 carries, 13 rush yards.

Top Fantasy Running Backs:

LeGarrette Blount: 30 carries, 148 yards. 3 TDs.

Marshawn Lynch: 25 carries, 157 yards. 1 TD. 1 catch, 26 rec. yards.

Top Fantasy Wide Receivers:

Randall Cobb: 7 catches, 62 yards. 1 TD.

Julian Edelman: 1 carry, 12 rush yards. 9 catches, 98 yards.

Doug Baldwin: 6 catches, 106 yards. 1 fumble.

Jermaine Kearse: 1 catch, 35 yards. 1 TD.

Jordy Nelson: 5 catches, 71 yards.

Top Fantasy Tight End:

Rob Gronkowski: 3 catches, 28 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Top Fantasy IDP:

Morgan Burnett: 10 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 INT.

Haha Clinton-Dix: 5 tackles, 2 INTs.

Fantasy Scrubs of the Week:

Andrew Luck: 12-of-33, 126 yards. 0 TDs, 2 INTs. 4 carries, 18 rush yards.

Aaron Rodgers: 19-of-34, 178 yards. 1 TD, 2 INTs. 1 carry, 12 rush yards.

Danny Amendola: 1 carry, -2 rush yards. 1 catch, 8 yards.

T.Y. Hilton: 1 catch, 36 yards.

Dwayne Allen: 4 catches, 30 rec. yards.

Coby Fleener: 3 catches, 30 rec. yards.

Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:

Something new this year – I’m keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it’ll be broken down by week. Here are the download links:

2014 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet (2007 Excel)

2014 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet – (1999-2003 Excel)

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