Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you might remember that I like to respond to my spam mails. It all started eight years ago, when a man named Jon Wire from the “United Bank of Africoan” promised me an ATM card of some sort, so I responded as a man named Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, who was raised by wolves. The following season, I received e-mails from Richard Held and Loon Bruce, who told me I won a Facebook Award, which comes with a “lump sum pay out of (750,000.00 GBP).” Pretending to be Matthew Millen Kim, I sent out my application and fake money.

I’ve been messing around with spammers ever since, pretending to be Harvey Weinstein, Tom Brady, Walter White and a 65-year-old virgin man living with his mother. I’ll have new answers to spam mails here, so check them out if you want to see me screw with spammers!

Guys, you won’t believe it, but I got an e-mail from Elon Musk. Yep. And even better, Musk is going to send me a free Tesla! Yippie!

Obviously, this is fake, so I needed to respond to “Elon” with someone who would really stand to benefit from an EV:

Poor Mark Cuban can’t convince people that he’s a good person despite all of his virtue signaling. Someone send him an EV pronto so he can finally tell everyone how great of a person he is!

I wasn’t expecting to hear back from Elon Musk, but he replied with a link to his Wikipedia page so I can read about him on the off chance that I didn’t know who he was. How helpful!

I replied to “Elon” with Cuban’s personal information. His address and phone number are public, so those were easy to obtain:

I can’t wait until Mark Cuban gets a free Tesla in the mail. Imagine how great of a person he’ll be when that happens.

Elon replied to me once again, asking me to chat with him on Telegram for some reason. There’s no way I’m doing that, so here was my reply:

Yeah, Elon, why don’t you take a drive to Mark Cuban’s house and give him the car yourself?

Elon replied to me and said that I need to contact someone about shipping the Tesla to me.

No, no, no, no, no! Elon must drive to Mark Cuban’s house!

You tell him, Mark! Free speech is way too fascist!

I got an e-mail from someone asking if I’m alive or dead:

There’s only one appropriate way to answer this:

A woman named Komula Gano e-mailed me. She said she needs to discuss something with me:

Wait a second, isn’t there a kicker named Graham Gano in the NFL? I sense a great opportunity to con a con artist:

I bet this spammer never believed that they would be the relative of an NFL kicker! I mean, it’s no overthrown African prince, but still.

Someone named Helena Brown reached out to me with a business proposal of sorts:

Luckily, we know someone in a position of power with plenty of business experience:

I do shudder to think what Joe would do to Hunter if he didn’t get 10 percent of the cut.

I received one of those generic “I need money transferred out of Africa e-mails.”

Do we know someone who is good with money?

I wonder if Ms. Aisha will promise to make good on delivering a small girl to the Big Guy.

Ms. Aisha e-mailed me back, but it was the same e-mail as before:

I’ll give it one more shot with Hunter, this time acknowledging the “beloved one” stuff.

Imagine having Jill as your step mother. No wonder Hunter is a crack head.

Some woman named Nikki sent me a e-mail asking if she could give me a business proposal? Why she wouldn’t just show me the proposal in the first place, I don’t know:

I’ve responded as Hunter Biden a few times, so why not give his dad a spin?

I wonder if Nikki can procure a shower buddy for Joe.

Someone named Forrest e-mailed me about socks:

I can only go in one direction when answering someone named Forrest. But let’s make it interesting with the socks, shall we?

I wonder if Forrest is going to understand what I’m talking about by saying “load” and “relieving himself.”

I received an e-mail from someone named Mr. David Ken. Can there be a more fake-sounding name than that? Why didn’t the spammer just go for Mr. Ken David? That would make more sense. I think it’s a sign that this person is from Asia because some Asian countries list the last name first.

Anyway, Mr. David Ken (I thought it was Dr. at first) has a business proposal for me, so I want to reply to him as Adam Aron, the disgraced CEO of AMC who screwed over all of his investors by reverse splitting the stock when he didn’t need to and then diluting into oblivion. Here’s Adam Aron’s response:

His age is actually 69, so that’s not a joke. And the phone number is his office, so hopefully they get some calls from Dr. David Ken soon!

I received a reply back from Mr. David Ken. Totally real-sounding name, by the way. Here’s part of the long e-mail he sent to me:

I love how Mr. David Ken wrote that “this operation is real.” Sure, if you say so. Luckily, we have Adam Aron here, who knows a con artist when he sees one because he is one himself.

I can’t wait for Mr. David Ken to begin calling Adam Aron’s office.

Mr. David Ken told me that I forgot to send him my ID and passport. Oh, silly me. Here’s my response:

I can’t wait for Adam Aron’s office to get a call demanding his ID and passport. I’d say they won’t give the info to Mr. David Ken, but Adam Aron is so stupid that he may just fall for it.