NFL Power Rankings

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NFL Power Rankings: Playoffs
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1.

Seattle Seahawks (14-5) – Previously: #1 – The Seahawks didn’t win the Super Bowl, but I’ll maintain that they’re the best team. Forget for a second that they would’ve won had Marshawn Lynch been given the ball at the goal line; they were extremely hurt by the injuries to Jeremy Lane and Cliff Avril. Lane’s replacement, Tharold Simon, couldn’t cover at all, while Avril’s absence gave Tom Brady so much more time in the pocket during his fourth-quarter comeback.

It’s been more than a second, so it’s time to stop forgetting about the Lynch situation. I’ll never understand why the Seahawks decided to throw there. Lynch would’ve scored, and New England was baiting Seattle to pass. There were people sitting in my living room who would’ve ran the ball into the end zone on that play. It was so obvious that a run should’ve been called that the Seahawks just outsmarted themselves. Or perhaps, some substances were involved…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

Derek Anderson: Woooooo Seuupper Biwowlll tiimmeme. Itss ssuucckks alll opplayyers saree pllaayunngg sooo I iggottaa dririrnkk wiitht theee cooachches.

Darrell Bevell: Not now, Derek, the game is on the line! It’s the final drive!

Derek Anderson: Truusss meeee yewwlll maakkeee beetter epllalayy callslss wiithth a sisippp. Hic!

Darrell Bevell: Well, I guess a sip couldn’t hurt, and I am thirsty…

*** Ten seconds later… ***

Darrell Bevell: Greeaatt ruunnn byy Marrshsaeell Lyunncch. Wee’ree att 1-yardddss liinnee whaass shhoulldd I ddoo Dederrk?

Derek Anderson: Throrowww balalll tiimmess rurunnning ooutututt!!!

Darrell Bevell: Oohhh ssnnnapp Ii thooought thheeree wwasss 30 hoourss leftt instreadd offf 30 sccconnds RUSSSKKELL WILLKENES DOO YYEWW HEEARRR MEMEE THROOWW THE BABAALLL AASS DFE HARDDD AASSEE YEWWWW CANNNN AHHHHHHH!!! Hic!

At any rate, two more things before I move on.

First, I loved this hack of Bevell’s Wikipedia page:

Second, the end of the game was depressing because I had the Seahawks for a big wager. It was frustrating because I knew I had the right side, and I handicapped the game correctly, but the two injuries and the terrible play-call ruined the pick. However, I did crack a smile when I saw this on Twitter:

New England Patriots (15-4) – Previously: #2 – I wrote this in my Super Bowl XLIX Recap, but the NFL is going to look terrible if the Patriots are indeed found guilty of Deflate-Gate. They cheated their way into the Super Bowl, and many of those I watched the contest with didn’t think Bill Belichick and/or Tom Brady should’ve been a part of the “Big Game.”

The bad guys prevailed, and the square bettors won money, but we at least had some entertaining commercials during the Super Bowl. Here are my three best and three worst ads during the “Big Game.”

Best Super Bowl XLIX Commercials:

3. Doritos Airplane – This was the ad where the scruffy dude wanted to share his Doritos with the hot blonde that walked onto the plane, but his heart sank once he saw that she had a baby. That has happened to me before. Not the Doritos part, of course. As a fat man, I would never share my Doritos with anyone, even if it meant having sex with the hottest girl of all time. My Doritos are precious to me

2. Heroes – I nearly splooged in my pants when I saw that NBC was reviving Heroes. The final two seasons sucked, but maybe they’ll bring back the magic that Season 1 possessed.

1. Game of War – Speaking of splooging in my pants, I’m glad Kate Upton made an appearance in one of her Game of War commercials. I’ve never played Game of War, but as long as Kate’s boobs are involved, I’ll want to be her hero.

Worst Super Bowl XLIX Commercials:

3. Coke – Pepsi is better than Coke in all regards. The drink itself is superior, and the commercials are better as well. Coke’s dumb ad about the haters being changed was stupid. I especially hated when that kid’s text transformed from ‘no one likes u” to “there’s no one like u.” There’s no one like you, kid, because you suck more than anyone else. What a douche.

2. Toyota – All of the Toyota commercials sucked. Jan was the worst, as usual. Toyota also ran an ad with some chick with bionic legs. I have absolutely no idea what that was about, but I can only thank the heavens that the “coach” wasn’t involved. Had I seen the anemic trifecta of bionic legs, Jan and Coach, I may have tied a noose around my neck and hanged myself.

1. Nationwide – Good job, Nationwide. Way to depress everyone during a happy event like the Super Bowl. Most of the people I watched the Super Bowl with were bummed out after watching that ad. Not me though. I was happy those kids died because they were a part of that horrible commercial.

OK, fine, I don’t want kids to die. Just the annoying ones. And also, those responsible for that Nationwide ad. I don’t have Nationwide insurance, and I never will because of what I saw during Super Bowl XLIX. Like, seriously, what were they thinking? What was discussed in those meetings?

Nationwide Employee: Hey, everyone’s going to be happy to watch the Super Bowl? Let’s make everyone depressed by talking about dead children!

Nationwide Ad President: Great idea! And next year, we can show Africans who died of Ebola!

Previously Eliminated NFL Teams:
3. Green Bay Packers. Previously: #3.
4. Baltimore Ravens. Previously: #4.
5. Dallas Cowboys. Previously: #5.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers. Previously: #6.
7. Indianapolis Colts. Previously: #7.
8. Denver Broncos. Previously: #8.
9. Detroit Lions. Previously: #9.
10. Carolina Panthers. Previously: #10.
11. Cincinnati Bengals. Previously: #11.
12. Arizona Cardinals. Previously: #12.

Fantasy Football Studs and Scrubs

Top Fantasy Quarterback:

Tom Brady: 37-of-50, 328 yards. 4 TDs, 2 INTs.

Russell Wilson: 12-of-21, 247 yards. 2 TDs, 1 INT. 3 carries, 39 rush yards.

Top Fantasy Running Backs:

Marshawn Lynch: 24 carries, 102 yards. 1 TD. 1 catch, 31 rec. yards.

Top Fantasy Wide Receivers:

Julian Edelman: 9 catches, 109 yards. 1 TD.

Chris Matthews: 4 catches, 109 yards. 1 TD.

Danny Amendola: 5 catches, 48 yards. 1 TD.

Top Fantasy Tight End:

Rob Gronkowski: 6 catches, 68 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Top Fantasy IDP:

Bobby Wagner: 12 tackles, 1 INT.

Malcolm Butler: 3 tackles, 1 INT.

Fantasy Scrubs of the Week:

LeGarrette Blount: 14 carries, 40 yards.

Luke Willson: 0 catches.

Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:

Something new this year – I’m keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it’ll be broken down by week. Here are the download links:

2014 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet (2007 Excel)

2014 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet – (1999-2003 Excel)

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