NFL Power Rankings

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NFL Power Rankings: Playoffs
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1.

Seattle Seahawks (13-4) – Previously: #1 – The Seahawks have to be thrilled that the Lions lost last week. Not that they couldn’t have beaten Detroit, but they got the easiest possible matchup against the Panthers. They lost one of their starting corners and still managed to win by two touchdowns.

The post-game interviews were interesting, to say the least. Marshawn Lynch’s constant replies of being “thankful” made the headlines, but no one bothered to ask him why he was so thankful. I did, however. Here’s the transcript:

Me: Hey Marshawn, thanks for agreeing to the interview.

Lynch: I’m thankful.

Me: Great win against the Panthers, but were you worried when you led by just four in the third quarter?

Lynch: I’m thankful.

Me: That’s cool, so is there anything you need to work on for the NFC Championship?

Lynch: I’m thankful.

Me: Marshawn, what exactly are you thankful for?

Lynch: Thank you, Walter, for freeing me of this infinite loop! I made a wager with a good chap of mine, a renowned psychologist, who said that sports journalists would not show any sort of interest in asking what I was thankful for. It appears as though I have successfully managed to elevate my net worth by 100 quid, thanks to your intelligent query. Indubitably. Mmm, yes. Indubitably.

Me: So you weren’t thankful for anything in particular? You were just saying it?

Lynch: That would not exactly be accurate, good chap. I am indeed thankful for the 100 quid I justly earned. I am extremely thankful for the blue sky, the warmth the sun provides, and the forceful exuberance of the 12th Man. Ah, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am most thankful for Skittles. Ah, yes, Skittles. Indubitably. Mmm, yes. Indubitably.

Me: Skittles are indeed awesome.

Lynch: Indubitably. Mmm, yes. Indubitably. But not just Skittles, good chap. The Skittle fairy is perhaps the primary driving force behind my existence.

Me: The Skittle fairy?

Lynch: Indubitably. Mmm, yes. Indubitably. The Skittle fairy, the wonderful entity who descends from the heavens each dawn, waves her magical wand and makes Skittles rain down on all the delightful boys and girls, and myself as well.

Me: Uhh… OK? That sounds sort of make-believe, Marshawn.

Lynch: Ah, I see you are a non-believer of the Skittle fairy. Indubitably. Mmm, yes. Indubitably. It seems as though I have made the unfortunate error of mistaking you as an intelligent individual. I am afraid that our conversation must come to a conclusion, and I will now reembrace myself in my shell of solitude. I am grateful for the 100 quid, but now I must bid thee farewell. Good day, sir.

Me: Your shell of what?

Lynch: I’m thankful.

Me: Are you really not going to talk to me because I don’t believe in the Skittle fairy?

Lynch: I’m thankful.

Me: You’re clearly not thankful, given that I don’t believe in the Skittle fairy.

Lynch: I’m thankful.

Me: You know what!? F*** you and your Skittle fairy!

2.

New England Patriots (13-4) – Previously: #2 – Danny Amendola’s emergence late in the season and in the playoffs is HUGE. With capital letters, even. That’s because it allows them to trade Julian Edelman.

Now, now, before you Pats fans become irate, think about it for a second. Consider what New England could obtain for Edelman, especially from Cincinnati. Edelman’s touchdown pass to Amendola was better than ANYTHING Andy Dalton has done in four playoff games. Imagine how envious the Bengals are. Maybe New England could obtain not one, but TWO first-round picks for Edelman, the future quarterback of the Bengals!

3.

Green Bay Packers (13-4) – Previously: #3 – Aaron Rodgers was great in the second half against the Cowboys, but he’ll need his mobility back against the Seahawks, who actually have a playoff-caliber defense, unlike the Cowboys.

By the way, I posted a joke about the Packers and Michael Sam last week. Some Web site questioned if it was funny or offensive, and here is my response, as well as my take on Chris Christie.

4.

Baltimore Ravens (11-7) – Previously: #5 – The Ravens got some calls go their way, but the officials screwed them when it mattered most. Much was made of the Patriots’ deception on who was and wasn’t eligible. John Harbaugh tried to complain about this trickery, but was flagged, setting up the Patriots’ game-winning touchdown.

This whole ordeal was ridiculous. Just check this out:

This wasn’t the first time the officials screwed up in this game. Look at this penalty the ref tried to call:

A 36-mile penalty? Wow, what did the player do, decapitate someone, slice open their head and eat their brain?

5.

Dallas Cowboys (13-5) – Previously: #7 – I am shocked the Cowboys lost in the divisional round. Utterly shocked. Look at what Tony Romo and Jerry Jones were doing before the game:

Apparently, the check wasn’t large enough. I guess the ref actually felt insulted, based on the horrible call on the Dez Bryant reception at the end of the game. Hey idiots, you don’t need to maintain control if you already made a football move!

6.

Indianapolis Colts (13-5) – Previously: #8 – It’s pretty cool to watch Andrew Luck’s ascension before our very eyes. Is there still any doubt that Luck is one of the two or three favorites for MVP? Where would this Indianapolis team be without him?

At any rate, Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:

w0000 2nd round of the play offs no1 said wed be here fukc the h8ers fukc all of u fukc fukc fukc every!!!111-11!!!!

3 and out!?!? i waited all weak and we get 3 and 0ut wtf is this ugghhh

7-0 broncies. wow. wowoowow colts fukskin suck im out

srsly fukc andrew luck he can suck on my giant shlonngngg!!!! cant believe we losted to the broncies!!!

ooooo TD colts were going to win this is our time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAH PAYTON MANNING FUMBLE HAHAHAHAHA WHAT A CHOKE ARTEST HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Hey @PeytonManning your like the hooker i pay for u choke all the time lolololololol

Hey @PeytonManning how about i pull my balls on you’re face huh whos the tough guy now!!!!!!!!

Hey @nflcommish the face of your nfl league sux cox andrew the giant is beast

“@nflcommish Stop acting like a child” 0O00O0OO nice come back tool. im rubber your glue whatever i say sticks on you

hahahah colt are up 24 to 13 were up 13 points now its unpossible that the broncies make a come back!!!!!!!

payton manning all most make pass intersection payton payton payton why you all ways picking hahahahahaha!!!

COLTS WIN I NEW I MADE THE RIGHT DECISEN TO GO WITH ANDREW THE GIANT OVER PAYTON THE COX SUCKER MANNING HAHAHAH

It’s confirmed… Taton was, in fact, Jim Irsay the whole time.

8.

Denver Broncos (12-5) – Previously: #4 – Is it too late for the Broncos to go back to Tim Tebow? After all, he has a better playoff winning percentage than Peyton Manning. It sounds like Papa John’s will be making a change as well…

Manning was terrible in his latest playoff choke job. Why does this keep happening? Hmm…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

Derek Anderson: I fiinnnaallyy dodnnneee ppllaayuiinngg mmyy teeaammm llosstteed tooo Seeeahahwwkwkss hahahaaha. Timmeme tooo goooo drrrinnkk wiiitthh myyy ffaavovoriitee dririnkkinngg bbuddyy duurrirngn pllaayooffss hic!

Peyton Manning: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, it’s the playoffs, and I might choke against my former team, oh boy, how about a nice Buick? Damn it, Peyton, get it together!

Derek Anderson: Heyyy favvororitee driiinkkkinngg budddyy hic! Diidid yyyeeww chcoookeee yyeeett sooo weee caannn sttarrt driiinnkkn hic!?

Peyton Manning: Breathe, Peyton! Breathe! Oh, who am I kidding, there’s no way I’m going to make it through the playoffs without choking, give me a sip!

Derek Anderson: Thaaattss thhees sppoiirrtiitt hic!

*** An hour later ***

Peyton Manning: Okkk fiiirsst ppllaayy iinnn theee gammee! We’ree gunnnn uuhhhh!

Demaryius Thomas: Peyton, it’s already the second quarter!

Peyton Manning: Ookkk guuyyss we’reee gunnnnaa uuhh… uhh… BLEGH!

Demaryius Thomas: You want me to drop the ball? Got it, pal!

10.

Carolina Panthers (8-9-1) – Previously: #11 – The Panthers really didn’t have much of a chance heading into the game. They needed injuries to be competitive, and they got one when Byron Maxwell went down. Still, Seattle was up three touchdowns at one point in the fourth quarter.

Some didn’t believe the Seahawks would dominate. In fact, one idiot bet heavily on the Panthers, simply because I was on the Seahawks…

This is only a SMALL preview of what’s to come in the hate mail section this week. I promise you, it will not disappoint.

Previously Eliminated NFL Teams:
7. Pittsburgh Steelers
9. Detroit Lions
11. Cincinnati Bengals
12. Arizona Cardinals

Fantasy Football Studs and Scrubs

Top Fantasy Quarterbacks:

Tom Brady: 33-of-50, 367 yards. 3 TDs, 1 INT. 6 carries, 0 rush yards. 1 rush TD.

Joe Flacco: 28-of-45, 292 yards. 4 TDs, 2 INTs.

Russell Wilson: 15-of-22, 268 yards. 3 TDs, 0 INTs. 7 carries, 22 rush yards.

Aaron Rodgers: 24-of-35, 316 yards. 3 TDs, 0 INTs. 4 carries, -4 rush yards. 1 fumble.

Andrew Luck: 27-of-43, 265 yards. 2 TDs, 2 INTs. 2 carries, 21 rush yards.

Top Fantasy Running Backs:

Justin Forsett: 24 carries, 129 yards. 2 catches, 17 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

DeMarco Murray: 25 carries, 123 yards. 1 TD. 1 catch, 5 rec. yards. 1 fumble.

Boom Herron: 23 carries, 63 yards. 1 TD. 8 catches, 32 rec. yards.

Eddie Lacy: 19 carries, 101 yards. 1 catch, 10 rec. yards.

C.J. Anderson: 18 carries, 80 yards. 6 catches, 29 rec. yards.

Top Fantasy Wide Receivers:

Danny Amendola: 5 catches, 81 yards. 2 TDs.

Kelvin Benjamin: 7 catches, 75 yards. 2 TDs.

Jermaine Kearse: 3 catches, 129 yards. 1 TD.

Davante Adams: 7 catches, 117 yards. 1 TD.

Julian Edelman: 1-of-1, 51 yards. 1 passing TD. 8 catches, 74 yards.

Brandon LaFell: 5 catches, 62 yards. 1 TD.

Demaryius Thomas: 5 catches, 59 yards. 1 TD.

Randall Cobb: 1 carry, 2 rush yards. 8 catches, 116 yards.

Top Fantasy Tight Ends:

Rob Gronkowski: 7 catches, 108 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Luke Willson: 4 catches, 68 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Owen Daniels: 4 catches, 41 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Andrew Quarless: 4 catches, 31 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Top Fantasy IDP:

Kam Chancellor: 10 tackles, 1 INT, 1 TD.

Julius Peppers: 6 tackles, 1 sack, 2 forced fumbles.

Fantasy Scrubs of the Week:

Peyton Manning: 26-of-46, 211 yards. 1 TD, 0 INTs. 1 fumble.

Shane Vereen: 1 carry, 6 yards. 4 catches, 39 rec. yards.

Jordy Nelson: 2 catches, 22 yards.

Dez Bryant: 3 catches, 38 yards.

Emmanuel Sanders: 7 catches, 46 yards.

Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:

Something new this year – I’m keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it’ll be broken down by week. Here are the download links:

2014 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet (2007 Excel)

2014 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet – (1999-2003 Excel)

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