2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 17
Week 16 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. San Diego Chargers (12-3) – Previously: #3 – Chargers No. 1? Well, now that the Colts have thrown in the towel and the Saints are beginning to lose to everyone, why not? I picked San Diego to win the Super Bowl (over New Orleans) back in July on this site, so why not just stick with my guns? Gooooo Chaaaajjjaaazzz Goooo.
   
   By the way, I’m beginning to think that Philip Rivers has reached the Peyton Manning territory where you just don’t bet against him when he’s an underdog or laying just a couple of points.
   
   I brought this up about Manning a few weeks ago, and I think it now applies to Rivers:
   
   A friend of mine went against the Colts in a near-pick em situation (might have been the Vikings game) last year. Unfortunately, he lost at the end because of a Manning comeback. His wife, who only knows the basics of football, heard him cursing at the TV. She remarked (and I’ll never forget this):
   
   “Why would you bet against Peyton Manning? That’s stupid.”
   
   Betting against Manning (and now Rivers) in near-pick em games is stupid. He’ll always find a way to win. Don’t out-smart yourselves. Just bet on Manning.
   
   And don’t bet against Rivers either. He’s now 11-4 against the spread as an underdog in his career.
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (14-1) – Previously: #1 – You can read my thoughts on the Colts benching their starters against the Jets by clicking the link.
   
   
3. New Orleans Saints (13-2) – Previously: #2 – Say what you want about the Saints getting gashed on the ground by the Buccaneers or not being able to stop Tony Romo, but they’ve scored only 17 points in each of their past two games The defense isn’t the only problem.
   
   I still wouldn’t panic though; the Saints were in a really tough spot after their first loss of the season. They just weren’t prepared emotionally for the Buccaneers game.
   
   It’s worth noting that in the wake of New Orleans’ latest defeat, the last three teams to begin the year 13-0 and lose their 14th game have also lost their 15th contest.
   
   
4. Green Bay Packers (10-5) – Previously: #5 – I feel as though the Packers have the most balance of any team in the NFC. They can score with anyone and their defense is awesome. As long as Chad Clifton and Mark Tauscher hold up, I really like their chances of making a deep run.
   
   Time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “They’ll be in the super bowel for sure. The jets are going to be playing there a game.”
   
   Every team’s primary goal is to reach the Super Bowel if you didn’t know.
   
   2. “lions need momentum in the worst way and who knows. the 49er dynasty statred in MO town”
   
   The 49ers used to play in Detroit? I don’t think so, pal. Stay in your own alternate universe and don’t bother us.
   
   3. “Cry all you want about injuries steeler fans. Edd reeds missed games, terrel suggs has missed games, brendan ayonbedejo has missed games, hakamandora has missed most of the season”
   
   Three first names. Three last names. All but one were misspelled. Not bad for an NFL.com GameCenter patron. And who or what the hell is a Hakamandora?
   
   
5. Philadelphia Eagles (11-4) – Previously: #6 – I really don’t understand Andy Reid. Why is he using Brian Westbrook? What if Westbrook suffers a third concussion in a span of two months? That can’t be good for his long-term health. You look at some of the former NFL players as examples – Westbrook could lose a lot of his mental functions by the time he’s 55 or so with another concussion this soon.
   
   Then again, I shouldn’t be surprised. Reid is part of an organization that just gave QB Dog Killer a freaking award. You better believe that you’ll be seeing this in my Jerks of the Week on Wednesday.
   
   
6. New England Patriots (10-5) – Previously: #10 – I wouldn’t want to play the Patriots right now. Tom Brady looks completely healthy, and even though New England’s defense stinks, you can’t say that it’s that much worse than anyone else’s.
   
   
7. Arizona Cardinals (10-5) – Previously: #8 – I was shocked to see that the new NFL Primetime covered the Cardinals-Rams game. Unfortunately, they missed the 49ers-Lions contest.
   
   Why is this a big deal? First of all, Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have gone over that game. And remember, there are many football fans out there who had Vernon Davis, Calvin Johnson and Frank Gore. on their fantasy teams. Also, for degenerate gamblers like myself, a highlight package is always a nice refresher the day after watching the game.
   
   What is up with everyone screwing fantasy football players and football bettors? Is Bill Polian running ESPN? This man is really evil.
   
   I’m going to keep repeating this until ESPN revives its former best show, I implore you to join this awesome Bring Back NFL Primetime Facebook Group.
   
   
8. Minnesota Vikings (11-4) – Previously: #4 – I’ll get yelled at by the Minnesota fans on the forum for having their team this low, but the Vikings are playing terrible football right now. Their offensive line can’t block anymore (12 sacks in the last 4 games). Their defensive line has been having problems recently. E.J. Henderson is really missed. Adrian Peterson keeps on fumbling. The special teams allows huge returns. Ironically, Favre seems to be the only one playing well.
   
   It’s amazing that the Vikings aren’t even in control of their own destiny in terms of getting a bye now. Remember a few weeks ago when they were chasing the Saints for the No. 1 seed? With a loss to the Giants, they could move all the way down to No. 4.
   
   Oh, and Brad Childress is a douche. If you didn’t see his press conference, he singled out one member of the media and told him he wasn’t allowed in the locker room. Childress should probably concentrate on his own job instead of someone else’s. And I think it’s safe to say that the Vikings gave Childress an extension a bit too early.
   
   
9. Cincinnati Bengals (10-5) – Previously: #7 – I love Cincinnati’s defense, and I really like the fact that this team comes up big in the fourth quarter, but the offense is so stagnant at times. I’m concerned.
   
   Here are some funny posts from the WalterFootball.com Forums:
   
   1. BobLoblaw: “How do you keep JaMarcus Russell off your lawn? Put a cheeseburger on your neighbor’s.”
   
   A Skittles packet works as well.
   
   2. nybites (via e-mail): “When you get into the nuts and bolts of the NFL, ESPN doesn’t have the hardware to get the job done, even though they have a chest full of tools.”
   
   Nothing I can come up with could top that.
   
   3. LTomlinson31: “Jags are pissing me off. I want to rip De Rio’s intestines and eat them. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
   
   Based on Jacksonville’s performance at New England, there’s definitely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it should be encouraged.
   
   
10. Baltimore Ravens (8-7) – Previously: #9 – I’ll receive some criticism for having the Ravens in my top 10, especially from Cowboys homers, but these are MY NFL Power Rankings on MY Web site, so I’ll do whatever I want! Hmph!
    
    In all seriousness, I’m not going to put much value into Dallas’ victory over Washington. The Giants (who beat the Cowboys) just crushed the Redskins by a wider margin and then went on to lose to the Panthers by 32.
    
    And the Ravens are really good. Look at their seven losses:
    
    1. Last-second defeat at New England (10-5); a drop cost them a win.
    
    2. Last-second loss against Cincinnati (10-5).
    
    3. Would have beaten the Vikings (11-3*) if it wasn’t for a missed field goal as time expired.
    
    4. Another loss to the Bengals (10-5).
    
    5. Gave the Colts (14-1) their closest game of the year.
    
    6. Killed themselves with penalties and red-zone turnovers against the Packers (10-5).
    
    7. Screwed by crooked officials who called 11 penalties on them, most of which were bogus. The Steelers (8-7) won by only three.
    
    Save for one team, every single squad that beat Baltimore this year is 10-5 or better. And those defeats were by margins of: 6, 3, 2, 10, 2, 13 and 3.
    
    

32. St. Louis Rams (1-14) – Previously: #32 – Three starts for Keith Null: Three touchdowns. Nine interceptions. Eight sacks taken. Three fumbles. A 5.0 YPA.

Somewhere in prison, Ryan Leaf is smiling.

31. Detroit Lions (2-13) – Previously: #31 – Drew Stanton’s really lucky. If drinking and playing football were illegal, he would have been locked up Sunday afternoon after blowing a .85.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (3-12) – Previously: #29 – Good effort by the Chiefs, so I won’t make fun of them this week.

Instead, here’s an interview I conducted with Peyton Manning and Jim Caldwell:

ME: Hey guys, thanks for joining me.

CALDWELL: “…”

MANNING: “No problem, but I want to say that I’ll keep this interview going as long as it’s close or competitive.”

ME: Umm… thanks, I guess. Peyton, let’s start with you. You have to be pretty pissed that you missed out on an opportunity to go 19-0.

MANNING: “Let’s talk about that later. Walt, do you have DirecTV? You can get 500 channels and Sunday NFL Ticket so you can watch all of the games.”

ME: I’m good, Peyton. Let’s stick to the topic. Are you mad that you won’t be able to go 19-0?

MANNING: “Walt, you look dehydrated. That’s why you should drink Gatorade. It has tons of electrolytes to keep you going throughout your workday.”

ME: I’m actually not that thirsty. Jim, are you upset that you’ll never be remembered as the coach of a special team?

CALDWELL: “…”

ME: Are either of you guys disgruntled at Bill Polian or not?

MANNING: “Walt, your computer is old. You should go to Sears. We have hundreds of different laptops all at the best prices you can find.”

ME: “We?” Are you a Sears salesman?

BILL POLIAN: “Wwwwwwwwwwabababababababababababaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!”

MANNING: “Walt, Jim and I have to go. Here’s Curtis Painter. He’ll fill in for us.”

ME: Great.

PAINTER: “Derrr I don’t know where to throw the ball derrrr.”

ME: Curtis, just calm down. This is not a game. This is just an interview.

PAINTER: “OMG the game’s going on and I’m going to lose it OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!”

ME: Ugh. Now I know how Colts fans feel.

29. Seattle Seahawks (5-10) – Previously: #27 – How much longer until we can ship Matt Hasselbeck off to the glue factory?

If you haven’t seen it, here’s the worst throw in NFL history (his first pass).

It’s not seen here, but after the interception, Hasselbeck slapped his helmet in what appeared to be disgust. I’m not so sure. I swear I heard him say to himself, “Damn it, I need to make these intentional interceptions look less obvious. Oh well. I can’t wait until I can count all of my money once the Packers cover this game.”

28. Oakland Raiders (5-10) – Previously: #25 – There’s nothing like getting blown out by the Browns. Good job.

More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “what does the jets have to do to make the playoff or what has to happen for the jets to make the playoff”

The Jets can start by making sure that their fans begin capitalizing words and using punctuation marks.

2. “i really hope the faders lose this one. cos then theres no way theyll beat the baltimore!”

I disagree. The city of The Baltimore better be on upset alert.

3. “i hate halftime show”

Apparently, you hate using articles too.

27. Washington Redskins (4-11) – Previously: #24 – I dropped a deuce at halftime of the Washington-Dallas game, and the brown stuff floating in my toilet had more of a chance of scoring a touchdown than the Redskins on Sunday night. Pretty disgusting – on all accounts.

An e-mail from Adam B.:

Good one Griswald.

Lets try to break down this logic.

The redskins get absolutely destroyed on Monday night by the GIANTS 45-12

Not only that but Jason Cambell looked like Akili Smith. The rest of the crew couldn’t stop a piss poor Giant Offense.

You give this game 5 units

Now the same broken down, cant score to save there lives, high school football team Washington redskins are playing a one Dallas Cowboys who just beat the undefeated saints and who are fighting for a playoff spot and are sure to bring there game.

lets waste another 5 units

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING????? your better then this.

My response:

These same Redskins were a missed FG away from beating the Cowboys in Dallas and the Saints at home.

They didn’t put forth any effort against the Giants, but I figured they’d put up a fight against the Cowboys, whom they haven’t lost to by more than 4 pts in 3 years.

I stand by this pick. It was the right side, but just got the wrong result.

26. Buffalo Bills (5-10) – Previously: #23 – Brian set up us the Brohm. What happen! How are you gentleman. Are your base are belong to us. You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha.

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-12) – Previously: #30 – If you looked close enough, Raheem Morris appeared to kiss one of his assistant coaches on the ear after the Buccaneers prevailed in overtime against the Saints. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Larry Johnson was interviewed after the Chiefs-Bengals game and was asked what he thought about Raheem’s smooch:

“I knew Raheem was a f***ing motorcycle rider! I’m a East Coast cat who never lived on the East Coast, and I hate f***ing motorcycle riders!”

24. Cleveland Browns (4-11) – Previously: #28 – When Sebastian Janikowski nailed a 61-yard field goal at the end of the first half against the Browns, Eric Mangini made the funniest face ever. He was really pissed.

Why was he so angry? Time for oddities!

3:1 – When Mangina handed him a party invitation before the game, Janikowski ripped it up and laughed in Mangina’s face, claiming that he would never attend an alcohol-free party.

3:1 – Janikowski got a Red Mega Man for Christmas, while Mangina’s parents bought him a lowly Yellow Mega Man.

3:1 – Mangina got a call from his parents during the kick, and was told that Shannon Sharpe was coming over and spending the night for a two-person slumber party.

3:1 – Janikowski made a bet with Mangina. If he missed the 61-yarder, he’d give Erin Andrews’ number to Mangina. If he made it, he would call Erin himself to ask her out.

23. Chicago Bears (6-9) – Previously: #26 – Damn it. I wanted to trash Jay Cutler with a player profile, but he played really well on Monday night.

If I’m a Chicago fan (and I haven’t jumped off my roof yet), I’m really pissed right now. The Bears looked great Monday night, but I have to ask where this has been all year. Except for this victory and a win over Pittsburgh back in Week 2, they’ve played like crap all year. Where did this come from? If they could play like this, why have they lost by double digits four times in the past nine weeks? And why did they cost me three units tonight!? BAH!


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Dallas Cowboys (10-5). Previously: #15
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-7). Previously: #14
13. Carolina Panthers (7-8). Previously: #21
14. Houston Texans (8-7). Previously: #20
15. Tennessee Titans (7-8). Previously: #12
16. Denver Broncos (8-7). Previously: #16
17. New York Giants (8-7). Previously: #11
18. Atlanta Falcons (8-7). Previously: #18
19. Miami Dolphins (7-8). Previously: #13
20. New York Jets (8-7). Previously: #19
21. San Francisco 49ers (7-8). Previously: #22
22. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-8). Previously: #17

1. Ravens (3.5)
2. Packers (3.6)
3. Steelers (3.8)
4. Eagles (3.8)
5. Jets (3.8)
6. Bengals (3.9)
7. Dolphins (4.0)
8. Vikings (4.0)
9. Falcons (4.0)
10. Giants (4.1)
11. Cowboys (4.1)
12. Redskins (4.2)
13. Broncos (4.2)
14. Colts (4.3)
15. Jaguars (4.3)
16. Seahawks (4.3)
17. Texans (4.3)
18. 49ers (4.3)
19. Bears (4.3)
20. Titans (4.4)
21. Rams (4.4)
22. Browns (4.5)
23. Panthers (4.5)
24. Chargers (4.6)
25. Saints (4.6)
26. Patriots (4.6)
27. Raiders (4.6)
28. Cardinals (4.8)
29. Buccaneers (4.8)
30. Lions (4.8)
31. Bills (4.9)
32. Chiefs (5.0)

1. Jets (5.3)
2. Bills (6.1)
3. Broncos (6.2)
4. Bengals (6.2)
5. Colts (6.3)
6. Eagles (6.5)
7. Packers (6.6)
8. Cardinals (6.6)
9. Ravens (6.7)
10. Chargers (6.7)
11. Texans (6.7)
12. Saints (6.8)
13. Panthers (6.8)
14. Steelers (6.8)
15. Cowboys (6.8)
16. Patriots (7.0)
17. Bears (7.1)
18. Redskins (7.1)
19. Vikings (7.1)
20. 49ers (7.1)
21. Giants (7.2)
22. Seahawks (7.2)
23. Buccaneers (7.3)
24. Chiefs (7.6)
25. Jaguars (7.7)
26. Titans (7.7)
27. Falcons (7.7)
28. Rams (8.0)
29. Lions (8.1)
30. Browns (8.1)
31. Dolphins (8.2)
32. Raiders (8.3)