2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 4
Week 3 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Baltimore Ravens (3-0) – Previously: #2 – I feel like a kid who discovered this new toy, but now that everyone has it, I want to play with something else. In the preseason, I ranked the Ravens second in my 2009 NFL Power Rankings and predicted them to beat the Saints in the Super Bowl. Now, it seems like everyone on ESPN is saying, “The Ravens might be the best team in football.”
   
   Meanwhile, I’m trying my hardest to find something wrong with the Ravens. I don’t even feel comfortable ranking them over the Steelers yet because Joe Flacco hasn’t beaten them yet, but Pittsburgh’s two losses has forced my hand.
   
   
2. New York Giants (3-0) – Previously: #3 – Whoever made the Giants 6-point favorites at Tampa Bay should be fired, shot and/or debacled. How do you make a spread that ridiculous, induce such one-sided betting and fail to fix the outcome of the game? I’ve had several people, including Matt McGuire, tell me that they were convinced that the game was fixed. I even wrote about the possibility myself on my NFL Picks page.
   
   Because of stupid spreads like this one, Packers -6 at St. Louis and Colts -3 at Miami, Vegas has lost a ton of money this year. There will have to be tons of fixed games soon, or some sportsbooks may start shutting down.
   
   
3. New Orleans Saints (3-0) – Previously: #4 – As Pierre Thomas owners my have noticed, some obscure guy named Lynell Hamilton started the Bills game and scored a touchdown early on. Frenchie eventually took over, but one has to wonder why Hamilton started the game in the first place.
   
   Thomas said he was dehydrated, but I’m beginning to think that Sean Payton uses these random running backs like Hamilton and Mike Bell because he couldn’t get Thomas in his fantasy league. So, to screw the other members of his league, he picks up these crappy runners off the waiver wire (in both reality and fantasy) and then uses them against his opponents (in both reality and fantasy).
   
   
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2) – Previously: #1 – What I said last week: “I’m not moving the Steelers down (much) for losing a tough road game without one of their top defensive players.” And if Jeff Reed makes both of his fourth-quarter field goals against the Bears and Limas Sweed catches a pass thrown to him right on the numbers on Sunday, Pittsburgh’s probably 3-0 right now.
   
   One note on Sweed. I don’t get how he can just get away with dropping an easy catch like that without any consequences. It’s his job to catch a ball. What if this were real life? What if your accountant said, “Sorry, I sometimes make a mistake adding numbers together?” What if your dentist said, “Yeah, my bad, I drilled into your tongue instead of your tooth. My mistake?” They’d probably lose their job and/or get sued, right? Well, with that in mind, I say Steelers fans should sue Sweed for that drop.
   
   
5. Indianapolis Colts (3-0) – Previously: #5 – Some notes from the Colts-Cardinals game:
   
   1. Donald Brown needs to be in the game more. His ability to break long plays is something the Colts have lacked out of the backfield since Edgerrin James had knee surgery. However, I can see why Brown is getting about 40 percent of the work; a few times during the game, Peyton Manning had to move Brown around and get him in the right place for a play. Once he learns everything, he’ll be the starter.
   
   2. I don’t know what Ken Whisenhunt and his coaching staff were doing. Indianapolis’ defensive weakness is the interior of the front. Its defensive strength is the secondary. Why in the world wouldn’t you pound the ball with Chris Wells and instead settle for throwing futile passes into a very underrated defensive backfield? The Dolphins gave you the blueprint for how to beat the Colts. Why would you completely ignore that? I like Whisenhunt, but he has some explaining to do.
   
   3. And making matters worse, it’s not like Whisenhunt had last year’s version of Kurt Warner under center. This Warner is a 38-year-old man coming off hip surgery. He hasn’t looked right all year (including the preseason) and he can no longer throw an accurate deep ball. Warner’s longest completion yesterday was 25 yards.
   
   
6. New York Jets (3-0) – Previously: #7 – The funniest moment of the Jets’ win over the Titans: When Kerry Collins’ final pass was incomplete on 4th-and-23, the camera panned to Rex Ryan, who fist pumped and yelled, “F*** YOU!”
   
   You can’t make this stuff up.
   
   
7. New England Patriots (2-1) – Previously: #8 – The Patriots won by 16 on Sunday, but I still have some major concerns here. Tom Brady looks really off and his horrible receivers (Joey Galloway and Sam Aiken) aren’t helping him. In fact, Brady was so frustrated with Aiken on one instance that he yelled, “How f***ing hard is that!?”
   
   Both mentally and physically, this is not the same Brady. Atlanta’s inability to stop the run bailed him out Sunday. Baltimore’s defense won’t be so accommodating.
   
   
8. Minnesota Vikings (3-0) – Previously: #9 – If you missed ESPN’s commentary on Brett Favre’s game-winning touchdown, here’s a quick recap:
   
   OMG Favre Touchdown OMG Favre OMG OMG OMG OMG Favre Favre OMG Touchdown Touchdown Favre OMG Favre OMG Favre Favre Favre Touchdown OMG Favre Touchdown OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG Favre Touchdown Favre Touchdown Favre Touchdown Michael Vick Favre Touchdown OMG OMG Favre Touchdown Touchdown Touchdown Touchdown Touchdown Favre OMG OMG.
   
   
9. Cincinnati Bengals (2-1) – Previously: #14 – When I picked the Bengals to win 10 or 11 games in my season previews, I received numerous e-mails asking me if I was concerned that being on HBO’s Hard Knocks would distract the Bengals, since every other team that has been featured on that show has disappointed.
   
   My answer was pretty simple: No. Every season is a circus in Cincinnati. Over the past few years, this team has had more distractions than any other in the NFL. Wondering if the Bengals can handle Hard Knocks is like asking QB Dog Killer to euthanize a dog. He’d just shrug his shoulders and do it thoughtlessly.
   
   
10. San Francisco 49ers (2-1) – Previously: #10 – Mike Singletary addressed his team after that heart-breaking loss in Minnesota:
    
    “I don’t want to see you looking at the floor! You didn’t steal nothing! You didn’t do anything wrong! We will see them again! In the playoffs! Hold your heads up! Don’t you look down at the floor for nobody! You have nothing to be looking down at the floor about! Pick your heads up, put your shoulders back and let’s rock!”
    
    Singletary would have used his psychic powers to will the 49ers to victory, but he obviously wanted to teach his players a lesson.
    
    

32. Cleveland Browns (0-3) – Previously: #32 – The good news is that Cleveland’s three opponents are a combined 9-0 right now. The bad news is that Eric Mangini has had five grievances filed against him, and it’s only Week 4. He’s on pace for 26.7 grievances for the year! That has to be an NFL record.

31. Kansas City Chiefs (0-3) – Previously: #30 – I was thinking about Todd Haley’s ridiculous approach to benching players, and I wondered if this applied to how he acts around the house. If his wife burns a roast, does he kick her out of the house for a week and find a new temporary wife? If his daughter gets a C on her math test, does he lock her in her room for a few days and ask his wife to make him a new daughter? And what if the wife says no? Does the temporary wife become his permanent wife?

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) – Previously: #28 – The good news: Byron Sandwich has finally been benched. The bad news: Josh Freeman will no longer get to learn from watching Leftwich play. I’m sure Tampa Bay’s quarterback coach was constantly in Freeman’s ear during the games saying, “See Josh, this is how you should not play the quarterback position. See what Byron did there? Yeah, don’t do that.”

29. Oakland Raiders (1-2) – Previously: #26 – Watching Denver completely dismantle Oakland amused me, only because all of Al Davis’ recent top draft picks were responsible for the loss.

JaMarcus Russell, who went No. 1 in the 2007 NFL Draft, was 12-of-21 for a whopping 61 yards and two interceptions. The two picks were thrown to the seventh-overall pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, Darrius Heyward-Bey, who once again failed to log a single reception. Meanwhile, Darren McFadden, the No. 5 selection in the 2008 NFL Draft, fumbled the ball three times. Epic fail is an understatement.

Meanwhile, Al Davis had his stopwatch handy on Monday. After timing Russell, Heyward-Bey and McFadden and realizing that their 40s are still up to par, Undead Al thought, “I do not know… what is wrong… must be the coach… or maybe Pete Rozelle… is sabotaging… my team.”

28. St. Louis Rams (0-3) – Previously: #31 – The Rams are a bit higher than you might expect, but aside from their Week 1 debaclization at Seattle, they’ve been very competitive. They should have knocked off Washington and they kept things interesting against the Packers for a while despite numerous turnovers deep in their own territory.

Even more encouraging is the fact that Marc Bulger is injured and could be out for a while. This is the best news any Rams fan has heard in years.

27. Washington Redskins (1-2) – Previously: #22 – Blown out by the Giants. Nearly lost to the Rams. Became the first team to lose to the Lions since December 2007. Yes, they deserve to be this low. In honor of this…

Player Coach Profile: Jim Zorn

Positives:
– Has a great tan
– Spends only $5 on his haircuts
– Is smart enough to avoid getting fired by holding down three jobs in the organization
– Bought an expensive tanning bed with the money he stole from Daniel Snyder

Negatives:
– Believes the strategy of giving the ball to your best player is hogwash
– Installs the wrong offense for his quarterback
– Refuses to trust his quarterback to the point that he doesn’t even have him attempt a Hail Mary to win the game
– Thinks that installing a hurry-up offense is a waste of valuable tanning time

26. Detroit Lions (1-2) – Previously: #29 – The Lions finally won a game! What did owner William Clay Darth Sidious Ford do to celebrate? Time for oddities!

1:5,000,000,000,000,000 – Met with his assistants to discuss how much he can raise ticket prices.

3:1 – Announced to the city of Detroit that because of the win, he won’t be sucking anyone’s blood in the middle of the night this upcoming week.

100:1 – Finally realized that firing Matt Millen was a good decision.

5,000,000,000,000,000:1 – Gave all of his players, coaches and illegal sweatshop workers a $1.05/hour raise as a reward for winning.

25. Carolina Panthers (0-3) – Previously: #23 – Notes from the Cowboys-Panthers game:

1. The Panthers stink! They led 7-0 at the half and trailed 13-7 with five minutes remaining in the fourth quarter, and still couldn’t cover the 8.5-point spread. Jake Delhomme stinks. Muhsin Muhammad stinks. The defense stinks. John Fox stinks for not developing young talent. Seriously, how many years can you keep trotting out the same crappy old players? If DeShaun Foster were still on this team, he’d be starting over DeAngelo Williams!

And Delhomme’s not going away. The Panthers gave him $43 million this offseason and his contract is basically guaranteed for three years. I hope Fox enjoys all of the turnovers because he’s going to see a lot of them every week until 2012.

2. Oh, and the Panthers’ play-calling stinks. Carolina either led or was tied for more than half of this game, so why did DeAngelo Williams receive only 11 carries? It certainly wasn’t the production; Williams rushed for 64 yards on those attempts. My only explanation is that like Delhomme, Jeff Davidson’s son has been kidnapped. Davidson was told to throw the game, so that’s why he refused to give the ball to Williams. Eleven carries… what a joke.

3. Speaking of poor play-calling, 15 of Dallas’ first 22 offensive plays were passes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out why they couldn’t score in the first half. Unfortunately, Davidson and Jim Zorn just read that previous sentence and are looking quizzically at their monitor.

4. This win means nothing for the Cowboys. Absolutely nothing. Sure, Tony Romo was 22-of-33 for 255 yards, and the team bounced back from last week’s loss, but these stupid early-season wins have never been the issue. If the Cowboys start winning in December, I’ll actually praise them. But barely beating a decrepit Carolina team at home on a Monday night in September? I’m not impressed.

5. One last note. If Jerry Jones divorces Miles Austin-Jones and decides to marry Felix Jones, does that make Felix Jones’ name Felix Jones-Jones? Or just Felix Jones? I’ve been wondering about this all night.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-2) – Previously: #27 – Maybe now that the Jaguars have a win and appear to be trying, they’ll actually be able to sell out a game. Haha, I made a funny.

23. Miami Dolphins (1-2) – Previously: #21 – ESPN’s Chris Mortsensen is reporting that Chad Pennington is out for the season without a shoulder injury. Translation: Pennington is fine and should be ready to play against the Bills on Sunday.

Speaking of which, Mortensen was kind enough to join me for an exclusive interview.

ME: Hey Mort, thanks for joining me. Let’s get right to it. You’ve just reported that Chad Pennington is out for the year. How serious is this? Could his career be over?

MORTENSEN: “Not only his career. My sources tell me his life could be in jeopardy. That arm could fall off any minute. And unlike that Monty Python movie, he won’t be able to shrug it off to being a mere flesh wound.”

ME: Wow, sounds serious. Now, I want to talk to you about a story you broke earlier. You said that Mike Shanahan was planning on cutting Brandon Marshall. Care to expand on this?

MORTENSEN: “Sure. My sources tell me that not only was Mike Shanahan going to cut Brandon Marshall, he was planning on taking out his knee caps with a baseball bat.”

ME: Really? Are you sure?

MORTENSEN: “Absolutely. My sources also tell me that Jay Cutler and Eddie Royal had a secret love affair. That could be why Royal’s receptions are down.”

ME: Mort, where are you getting this? Who are your sources? Are you sure you’re not making this up?

MORTENSEN: “Of course I’m sure! I am the best sports reporter in the world! I am better than Adam Schefter!”

ME: What? Where did that come from?

MORTENSEN: “I hate Adam Schefter, with his brown hair and his smug smile! I’m going to rip his arm off, bust his knee caps and have a secret love affair with his girlfriend! I’m ESPN’s best reporter! Me! Me! Me!”

ME: Ah, now I see where you’re getting your stories from.


2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Atlanta Falcons (2-1). Previously: #6
12. San Diego Chargers (2-1). Previously: #11
13. Green Bay Packers (2-1). Previously: #12
14. Chicago Bears (2-1). Previously: #13
15. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1). Previously: #15
16. Seattle Seahawks (1-2). Previously: #16
17. Houston Texans (1-2). Previously: #17
18. Tennessee Titans (0-3). Previously: #18
19. Dallas Cowboys (2-1). Previously: #19
20. Denver Broncos (3-0). Previously: #25
21. Arizona Cardinals (1-2). Previously: #20
22. Buffalo Bills (1-2). Previously: #24

1. Titans (2.3)
2. Ravens (2.6)
3. Cardinals (2.9)
4. Broncos (3.2)
5. Dolphins (3.2)
6. Vikings (3.3)
7. Saints (3.3)
8. Eagles (3.4)
9. 49ers (3.5)
10. Steelers (3.7)
11. Bengals (3.7)
12. Packers (3.8)
13. Jets (3.9)
14. Patriots (4.0)
15. Jaguars (4.1)
16. Chiefs (4.2)
17. Redskins (4.3)
18. Raiders (4.3)
19. Rams (4.3)
20. Bears (4.4)
21. Lions (4.4)
22. Colts (4.4)
23. Chargers (4.6)
24. Bills (4.7)
25. Cowboys (4.9)
26. Falcons (5.0)
27. Buccaneers (5.1)
28. Panthers (5.3)
29. Giants (5.6)
30. Browns (5.7)
31. Seahawks (5.8)
32. Texans (6.3)

1. Jets (3.6)
2. Giants (5.1)
3. Broncos (5.4)
4. Colts (5.7)
5. Bills (6.0)
6. Steelers (6.0)
7. Vikings (6.1)
8. Saints (6.1)
9. Bears (6.2)
10. Chargers (6.3)
11. 49ers (6.4)
12. Seahawks (6.5)
13. Redskins (6.6)
14. Raiders (6.6)
15. Falcons (6.8)
16. Packers (6.9)
17. Bengals (7.1)
18. Panthers (7.1)
19. Chiefs (7.4)
20. Cowboys (7.4)
21. Texans (7.5)
22. Ravens (7.7)
23. Browns (7.7)
24. Patriots (7.7)
25. Cardinals (8.0)
26. Titans (8.0)
27. Eagles (8.0)
28. Rams (8.4)
29. Lions (8.4)
30. Jaguars (8.5)
31. Dolphins (9.1)
32. Buccaneers (9.1)