2008 NFL Power Rankings: Final 2008 Regular Season
Week 17 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (12-4) – Previously: #1 – I had a problem with Tom Coughlin benching his starters in the second half of the Vikings game. Not just because it’ll have a negative effect in the postseason for his squad; I believe it was wrong because Coughlin owed it to the integrity of the league to knock off a team bidding for a potential playoff spot. Now, it turned out that it didn’t matter because the Bears lost, but what if they had been victorious? It wouldn’t have been very fair, would it? Any Browns fan who disagrees with me is a hypocrite (see last year’s results).
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) – Previously: #3 – I guess Mike Tomlin wasn’t kidding around during the week, huh? On Wednesday, Tomlin kicked Santa Claus out of his press conference, and vehemently stated that the Steelers would play all of their starters in an effort to win going into their bye. Tomlin went on to announce that Santa will no longer be welcome at his press conference. On Sunday, Tomlin completely debacled the poor Browns. And on Monday, he framed an innocent man for killing the vice president’s brother, and then fed a sixth-grader his own parents in a chili competition. Tomlin must be stopped.
   
   
3. Carolina Panthers (12-4) – Previously: #4 – The only 4-plus unit pick I got wrong this week was Saints +1.5 over the Panthers. That really pissed me off because the line opened at +3.
   
   What pissed me off a bit less is that instead of going for a Hail Mary at the end of the game – which would have been a 60-yard throw – Sean Payton opted to have Drew Brees toss a 20-yard pass, which would have given him the seasonal passing yardage record. Brees justly threw incomplete.
   
   Well, at least Dan Marino is happy right now. Wait, what am I saying? Marino is an emotionless robot with no opinion about anything. Never mind.
4. Tennessee Titans (13-3) – Previously: #2 – I’m not hating on the Titans; just hating on their strategy. I believe they’re better than some of the teams above them on this list, but given that they rested their starters just before a playoff bye, their regulars will be out of action for two weeks before taking on the battle-tested Ravens, Chargers or Colts squad in the second round. Tennessee could be out of the postseason immediately; teams that rest their starters have a history of not performing up to par.
   
   
5. Indianapolis Colts (12-4) – Previously: #5 – Speaking of resting starters, I don’t get what Tony Dungy is doing. Think about it – the one year Indianapolis won the Super Bowl and didn’t epically fail in the playoffs was the season the team couldn’t afford to rest Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne and the like. Yet, Dungy didn’t recognize this last season, and was subsequently booted out of the Doggone Playoff by the Billy Volek-led Chargers.
   
   The good news is that the Colts don’t have a bye this year, so Manning won’t be as rusty. The bad news is that Manning played just one drive against the Titans, pretty much killing all the momentum he built during the nine-game winning streak.
   
   
6. Baltimore Ravens (11-5) – Previously: #6 – It wouldn’t shock me at all to see the Ravens win the Super Bowl this year. Joe Flacco has been amazing. Beating Pittsburgh will be a challenge because the Steelers always seem to pull a win out of their rear end, but other than that, Baltimore seems capable of debacling anyone.
   
   I thought I’d just point that out right now because I was dead wrong about the Ravens in my season preview. It was pretty bad, but not as horrific as Jimmy Johnson’s picks on FOX’s pre-game show. I never watch it, but the Mayne Event was boring this week, so I flipped on FOX. As I turned on that channel, they displayed all the records of the anchors. Everyone was predictably above .500, except for Johnson. His record? 25-42!!!
   
   Keep in mind that he’s not picking against the spread. That’s straight up! Looks like someone else has been drinking from Terry Bradshaw’s liquor cabinet!
   
   
7. San Diego Chargers (8-8) – Previously: #11 – Despite Denver’s historical meltdown (more on this later), the Chargers are the story. After all, they’re the first team to start 4-8 and still make the playoffs.
   
   They’re one of my underrated teams in the front page of the NFL Picks section. Philip Rivers is on fire right now, and it seems like he’s not calling opposing quarterbacks and fans “poopy heads” or “meanie pants” anymore.
   
   But LaDainian Tomlinson impressed me the most against the Broncos. Look, Denver’s defense is a complete abomination, but Tomlinson looked as spry as ever out on the field. If he’s healthy, the Chargers have a great chance of winning it all.
   
   That said, was anyone else irked by Tomlinson’s response to whether or not he was going to play against the Colts? Tomlinson, who tweaked his groin, appeared unsure of his status. This is exactly what everyone criticized him of last year. Man up, LT! How about this response? “Man, I’m going to play no matter what so we can debacle the Colts. The only thing that will keep me out is Ebola, and only because I’d infect my teammates.”
   
   
8. New England Patriots (11-5) – Previously: #8 – What are the odds that Bill Belichick is just as angry as every Boise State backer right now?
   
   “Look at my record! You’re letting in these crap teams like Arizona and San Diego into the playoffs (think Cincinnati and Virginia Tech), but not us!? We need a damn playoff! Oh wait, we already have one. Never mind.”
   
   
9. Miami Dolphins (11-5) – Previously: #9 – You know it’s coming. But it’s not. I won’t mention how three weeks ago, I stated that the Jets would barely beat the Bills, and then lose to Seattle and Miami. Nope, won’t mention it at all.
   
   By the way, Dolphin fans may enjoy this quote from Mike Ditka:
   
   “The Jets remind me of dogs chasing cars. Once in a while, they’ll catch the car, and then they don’t know what to do with it.”
   
   Umm… oK? I don’t even think Socrates could figure that one out.
   
   
10. Atlanta Falcons (11-5) – Previously: #7 – I had a tough time deciding between the Falcons and Eagles. Philadelphia looked so dominant against the Cowboys. I was going to put them in the top 10, but then I remembered how horrific they were just seven days earlier at Washington, a team that went on to lose to San Francisco.
    
    I feel as though Atlanta’s body of work is more impressive. They have wins at San Diego, Green Bay and Minnesota. That Vikings victory is especially remarkable because the only other team to knock Minnesota off at the Homer Dome is Indianapolis.

32. Detroit Lions (0-16) – Previously: #32 – Want to hear how stupid the Lions are? Reports indicate that Daunte Culpepper will be receiving a $1 million signing bonus because the team finished with fewer sacks than last year.

HUH!? Why would a stupid clause that barely has anything to do with Culpepper be in his contract? If these reports are correct, what’s to stop the Lions from giving Calvin Johnson $500 million if the sun shines for at least five minutes in 12 of the next 20 Tuesday afternoons?

31. St. Louis Rams (2-14) – Previously: #31 – Nothing positive to say about the Rams (other than the fact that they actually tried), so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Rod Marinelli!

ME: Rod, thanks for joining me on such a tough day. It must suck getting fired. For the record, I didn’t think it was your fault. No one could have coached a group of bums like that to more than three or four victories.

MARINELLI: “I felt I gave it my best, but sometimes your best isn’t good enough and it wasn’t good enough this year.”

ME: That’s true. You did have a few close games though.

MARINELLI: “We tried hard all year. I felt they gave it their best. We will continue to work hard and give it our best.”

ME: We? Weren’t you fired?

MARINELLI: “The season kind of slipped away. We tried hard all year. I felt they gave it their best. We will keep giving it our best next week.”

ME: Next week? The season’s over, and you’re not even the head coach anymore!

MARINELLI: “All we can do is keep giving it our best. We will continue to try as hard as we can.”

ME: Are you a robot or something? I bet I can say anything, and you’ll talk about giving it your best. Here, let’s try this… Hey, Marinelli! Your daughter’s taste in men sucks!

MARINELLI: “Sometimes your best isn’t good enough but we’ll continue to give our best.”

ME: I knew it. Hey, Marinelli! Maybe we should make your daughter the defensive coordinator! You’ll go 0-17! Ha!

MARINELLI: “What!? I’ll kill you!”

ME: Nooo!!! Ahhh!!! Your choking me… Someone… please… hel…

30. Cleveland Browns (4-12) – Previously: #30 – Well, at least Romeo Crennel won’t have to worry about this “coaching stuff” anymore. Instead, he’ll be able to concentrate on eating more Double Stuff Oreos. By the way, here are some cool stats that you may enjoy, unless you’re a depressed Browns fan. Keep in mind that the referenced date (Nov. 17) was the Monday night win Cleveland had over Buffalo:

– Browns offensive touchdowns since Nov. 17: 0

– Browns defensive touchdowns since Nov. 17: 1

– Touchdowns the Browns offense allowed to opposing defenses (pick-six, fumble-six): 4

Cleveland’s offense gave up more touchdowns (4) than it scored (0)! How pathetic is that? They would have been better served kneeling down on every play!

29. Cincinnati Bengals (4-11-1) – Previously: #29 – How in the world did the Bengals finish the year 4-3-1 with Ryan Fitzpatrick? I’d say I’m baffled, but this is the NFL, where the bizarre happens. Why won’t Jerry Jones fire Wade Phillips? No one knows!

Mr. Botox vehemently defended Phillips all week. Jones repeatedly stated, “I’m not making any coaching changes.”

It’s funny because it’s almost as if Phillips heard those quotes and thought to himself, “Oh yeah, Jerry? Watch this!” and promptly lost to the Eagles, 44-6, in one of the most embarrassing defeats in Cowboys history.

28. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11) – Previously: #27 – Speaking of Wade Phillips, I laughed hysterically when I heard Joe Buck say the following during the Eagles-Cowboys game:

“Wade Phillips had a look of confusion on his face.”

And that surprises you, Joe? When does Wade not have a look of confusion on his face? I want to know if he sports this expression at all times, even at home.

Actually, now that I think about it, Wade’s a genius. Take a look at how this simple exchange can get him out of doing work:

WADE’S WIFE: Wade, can you drop our daughter off at school this morning?

*Wade looks confused*

WADE’S WIFE: You know, the school on Midwich and Bradbury? Can you drive our daughter there?

*Wade looks confused*

WADE’S WIFE: Our daughter? You know our daughter, right?

*Wade looks confused*

WADE’S WIFE: Ah, never mind, I’ll do it myself.

27. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14) – Previously: #26 – I wrote this in my last four Power Rankings. I’m doing the same thing now because it needs to be addressed.

Did you know that the Chiefs-Bengals and 49ers-Redskins games never happened? I watched the new, terrible NFL Primetime, and they didn’t cover those games. Chris Berman and Tom Jackson would have done so in the old version of NFL Primetime.

Apparently, the ultra-annoying Merril Hoge was too busy yelling incoherently, dishing out stupid nicknames (“He’s the meat cutter because he stuffs meat in the fridge!”) and handing out fantasy advice (“Sit him! He’s not good in the locker room!”) to discuss these games. ESPN hates its viewers. That’s the bottom line. If they cared about their fans, they’d bring back the old NFL Primetime. What they’ve done with that show is a disgrace.

26. Oakland Raiders (5-11) – Previously: #28 – For those of you who didn’t hear, Al Davis missed only the second game as Raiders owner/GM/vampire with swelling in his knee on Sunday. Yeah, right. “Swelling in the knee,” huh? More like shortage at the virgin goat blood bank.

25. Seattle Seahawks (4-12) – Previously: #25 – Seahawk fans embraced poor weather a week ago, but it was nothing like the conditions at Orchard Park. Did you see how both of the uprights were tilted over to the right? Crazy.

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe the Bills shouldn’t have straightened them out. Scott Norwood’s field goal would have probably gone through the uprights if they were tilted to the right. Why didn’t the Bills think about this earlier?

24. Denver Broncos (8-8) – Previously: #21 – It’s official. Denver has the worst defense I’ve ever seen. Worse than the Lions. Worse than the Rams. Worse than the Chiefs. They stink. Everyone on that defense needs to retire immediately to keep from embarrassing their family members even further. I’m utterly shocked Mike Shanahan doesn’t onside kick it every single time. Shanahan might as well give the opposing offense a shorter field. They’re going to score anyway. Why not have them take less time off the clock?

23. Green Bay Packers (6-10) – Previously: #24 – Not much to say about the victory over the Lions, so let’s keep going with the Broncos analysis.

I was shocked to see Tatum Bell look semi-decent against the Chargers. If you haven’t heard, Bell has been working at a cell phone kiosk at the mall ever since he was cut by the Lions and subsequently stole Rudi Johnson’s luggage. I’d joke about Bell stealing the cell phones, but I’m better than that. Bell was obviously eyeing a more lucrative prize, such as a cash register in the store adjacent to his kiosk.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1). Previously: #13
12. Minnesota Vikings (10-6). Previously: #15
13. Dallas Cowboys (9-7). Previously: #10
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7). Previously: #12
15. Chicago Bears (9-7). Previously: #16
16. New Orleans Saints (8-8). Previously: #17
17. San Francisco 49ers (7-9). Previously: #18
18. New York Jets (9-7). Previously: #14
19. Houston Texans (8-8). Previously: #20
20. Arizona Cardinals (9-7). Previously: #23
21. Buffalo Bills (7-9). Previously: #19
22. Washington Redskins (8-8). Previously: #22

1. Ravens (3.3)
2. Vikings (3.4)
3. Steelers (3.4)
4. Jets (3.6)
5. Eagles (3.6)
6. Titans (3.6)
7. Bears (3.7)
8. Giants (3.7)
9. Bengals (3.8)
10. 49ers (3.8)
11. Cardinals (3.9)
12. Patriots (4.0)
13. Jaguars (4.0)
14. Chargers (4.1)
15. Seahawks (4.1)
16. Saints (4.1)
17. Dolphins (4.1)
18. Redskins (4.1)
19. Bills (4.1)
20. Colts (4.3)
21. Cowboys (4.4)
22. Buccaneers (4.5)
23. Texans (4.5)
24. Raiders (4.5)
25. Packers (4.5)
26. Browns (4.7)
27. Panthers (4.7)
28. Falcons (4.9)
29. Broncos (5.1)
30. Chiefs (5.2)
31. Rams (5.2)
32. Lions (5.4)

1. Steelers (5.4)
2. Titans (5.9)
3. Ravens (5.9)
4. Eagles (6.0)
5. Redskins (6.3)
6. Bears (6.5)
7. Panthers (6.5)
8. Colts (6.5)
9. Packers (6.6)
10. Cowboys (6.7)
11. Buccaneers (6.7)
12. Bengals (6.7)
13. 49ers (6.7)
14. Giants (6.8)
15. Chargers (6.8)
16. Bills (7.0)
17. Jets (7.0)
18. Falcons (7.0)
19. Dolphins (7.0)
20. Vikings (7.1)
21. Saints (7.1)
22. Cardinals (7.2)
23. Raiders (7.3)
24. Patriots (7.3)
25. Chiefs (7.3)
26. Browns (7.4)
27. Texans (7.6)
28. Seahawks (7.7)
29. Broncos (7.7)
30. Rams (8.2)
31. Jaguars (8.3)
32. Lions (8.8)