2015 Random College Football Notes

I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.

Random College Football Notes, Week 16:

1. Bowl season has started, and I’m so very excited. I’m like so excited that I peed my pants a little bit. I pooped my pants a little bit too. And I splooged my pants a little bit as well. That’s how so very excited I am because meaningless college football games are being played. So very excited.

I don’t know if you could tell or not, but that was pure sarcasm. I hate these games, though not as much as before because there’s a playoff now. Still, I find these bowls useless and irrelevant, and I dont’ want to watch any of them.

Want to know how much I despise the bowls? Three of my friends have sent me bowl pool invites, and I didn’t accept any of them. In fact, I didn’t respond to any of the e-mails. I could do research on the bowls and perhaps do well picking all of them, but I just don’t see the point. It’s like entering an NFL preseason pool. Those games are just as meaningless.

2. More on bowls: It’s absolutely asinine that there are 40 of them now. FORTY! They accept 5-7 teams now, so it’s actually easier to qualify for the NIT in college basketball. Yet, more bowls keep getting added each year, and soon enough, 4-8 squads will be playing in them.

In honor of this, let’s delve into some of the dumber bowl names:

Quick Lane Bowl – This reminds me of the quick checkout lane at supermarkets. Should a bowl game really be called this?

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl – Famous? Ha! Never heard of you.

Cure Bowl – Would’ve been better if this were the Curaga Bowl. Or better yet, Cure 3, am i rite?

Belk Bowl – The Belk Bowl has been in existence for a while, yet I still don’t know what the hell a Belk is.

Camellia Bowl – Karma karma karma karma, karma Camellia. You come and go, you come and go.

3. Having said all of this, thanks to popular demand, I have College Football Bowl Picks listed via this link. I’m going to have five for each of the two bowl weeks. That’s 10 bowls, meaning I’m covering just 25 percent of them. And you know what? If there were just 10 bowls, I’d probably watch all of them!

Random College Football Notes, Week 15:

1. Congratulations to Derrick Henry for winning the Heisman. I wouldn’t have voted for him because he ran behind a dominant offensive line that would’ve made anyone look good, but hey, what do I know?

Well, I actually do know some things, and one item is that NFL teams aren’t as high on Henry as the public would think. Charlie Campbell recently wrote this:

Henry has had a tremendous season, but these games of huge totals of attempts week-after-week are worrisome for NFL teams. He has sustained a lot of wear-and-tear entering his rookie season with one or two more games to go. Nick Saban has developed a reputation for running his players into the ground and sending them injured into the draft process. That could be the case with Henry and end up hurting his draft grade.

Saban is such a selfless man who doesn’t put himself ahead of his players, so this is such a huuuuuge shock to me, wooooowwww. OK, a bit of sarcasm there, but I hope you realize why I’ve been slotting Henry in the second round of my 2016 NFL Mock Draft.

2. You all know how I feel about the Redskins logo, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m against North Dakota changing its team name from Fighting Sioux to Fighting Hawks. This was their old logo before moving to the Fighting Hawks:

Oooohhh, so offensive! This picture clearly paints Native Americans in a negative light, especially since, you know, a Native American designed the logo.

The NCAA has reached an entirely new level of incompetence. The corrupt organization threatened to take away all postseason home games for North Dakota if it didn’t change its logo – amongst other things – so North Dakota had no choice but to comply.

I’m going to say the same thing I’ve stated about the a**hole trying to take away Daily Fantasy from the people in New York. All it takes is putting a horse’s head in the right guy’s bed. And better yet, North Dakota could’ve asked a Native American to do it. I’m sure one would’ve volunteered, since they actually supported the logo, and all.

3. Speaking of college football team names, my girlfriend had something interesting to say about Alabama’s nickname when she heard it mentioned during the SEC Championship:

“Crimson Tide? Who the f*** picks the ‘Crimson Tide’ as a team name? It sounds like a period.”

So true. Why not just the Elephants? Or, Crimson Elephants? Or Fighting Sioux Elephants?

I looked it up, and “Crimson Tide” apparently originated from the red mud Alabama played in to beat Auburn when they played in 1907. That still doesn’t explain “Tide.” Why not Crimson Mud? Or Mud Elephants? Or Mud Men? Or Crimson Mud Men? Or Crimson Mud Elephants? Oh, and don’t get me started on Auburn, either. Why they aren’t the Auburn War Eagle is beyond me. Tigers? There are no tigers in Auburn. There are actually more Fighting Sioux in Auburn than Tigers!

Random College Football Notes, Week 14:

1. The college football season is almost over, as there are just three more games of significance remaining – the two semi-final contests and the championship, obviously.

There should be seven instead, however. I’ll continue to argue that there need to be eight teams in the playoff, at the very least. I actually think 16 is the correct number, but it can’t be fewer than eight. There’s just too much variance for there not to be eight. For example, Iowa has lost just as many games as Michigan State and Alabama. They were one yard away from beating the Spartans. Who’s to say they wouldn’t beat Michigan State in a rematch or upset Alabama? And how about Stanford? If the Cardinal hadn’t lost the season opener – it’s a different team now – it would be one of the four schools in the playoff. You can’t tell me that Michigan State and Oklahoma are definitively better than Stanford. We don’t know that. That’s why it needs to be settled on the field.

What’s funny about this year is that there is no dominant team. None of the four playoff qualifiers impress me very much. Even 13-0 Clemson has its flaws. The Tigers had issues with South Carolina and then needed help from the officials during North Carolina’s onside kick recovery (more on this later). I think this is the sort of year that one of the 5-8 seeds could definitely win. In fact, Stanford could be the best team in the country. I’d still favor Alabama in a neutral-field matchup, but the Cardinal could definitely win that one, and I would favor it over Oklahoma, Michigan State and even overrated Clemson.

Also, I’ve said this before, but the more teams they have in their playoff, A) the more ad revenue they generate, and B) the possibility of filling out brackets like in March Madness opens up. The college football playoff would be insane if people had brackets. It would be the most-watched thing ever except for the Super Bowl. Besides, it would provide me with yet another opportunity to lose money, so how can they not implement it?

2. Speaking of the Clemson-North Carolina call, I found it appalling. Not the call itself, though. The ruling was horrible, but mistakes are made. It’s hard to officiate in real time. I’ve repeatedly commented about officiating in the NFL, but I’ll admit that it’s a difficult job, and honest errors can be made as a consequence.

What’s appalling is that they did nothing to correct it. Everyone makes mistakes, but failing to make amends for them is much worse. The refs had a chance to look into the call and get it right, but they didn’t because “it wasn’t reviewable.”

That’s complete horse s***. Who the hell cares if it isn’t reviewable? Who says? Just look at replay and get it right. It’s not that difficult.

I hate how football, whether it’s the NFL or NCAA, is tied up in these cumbersome rules. Isn’t it in everyone’s best interest to get the calls correct? If so, why follow a set of confusing, nonsensical rules? If the official in that Clemson-North Carolina game had any balls, he would’ve overturned the call. Instead, he proved himself to be an incompetent, mindless automaton who can’t think outside of the box.

3. I think you would all agree that the most significant thing from the conference championships was the Dr. Pepper Challenge. Each halftime featured two kids playing for $100,000 in tuition money. The two would compete by throwing footballs into a giant Dr. Pepper can.

I hate this thing because these kids throw underhanded tosses into the can. I think they should be forced to hurl the balls normally instead of like some 90-year-old grandma. Other people were appalled by the competition for different reasons…

Ladies and gentlemen, we may have our Jerk of the Year. It’s Jack Davis, some loser on Twitter who has extreme amounts of sand in his vag.

I hate morons like this. What’s wrong with making people compete for money, especially when the “loser” still wins $20,000 in tuition? I wish I could’ve won 20 grand in tuition when I was in college!

Since when is winning 20 grand “losing out on 80K?” You don’t “lose out on 80K” if you win 20K. If they actually stripped the contestants of 80K – i.e. seized their parents’ house – sure, that would be terrible.

Right. Because giving away $120,000 in total prize money is “gross.” You know what’s gross besides your haircut, pal? Your douchey mindset. This Jack Davis dude is probably one of those a**holes who believes that every kid needs to win a participation trophy in youth sports. He likely thinks that not handing out participation trophies, even to the worst kid in the league, is “gross.” No, dude. Participation trophies are for losers. The same losers who whine about kids winning money on national TV, even if they lose in a friendly football-tossing competition.

“Literal hunger games.” Yeah. Dr. Pepper was making kids fight to the death for tuition money. Apparently, fighting to the death is the same thing as throwing footballs into a can like an old grandma.

Sigh. I don’t know what to say anymore. Jack Davis is an idiot, and so are all of those with the same mindset. Sadly, there are too many people of his ilk. If this isn’t proof that our country is going to s***, I don’t know what is.

On a lighter note, I thought it was funny how each kid had high educational aspirations. One wanted to go to med school. Another aspired to study business or whatnot. I feel like there should’ve been a short chubby student who said, “My dream is to become an architect. Definitely not a city planner though – because there’s nothing higher than architect!”

Random College Football Notes, Week 13:

1. Congratulations to Clemson, for maintaining its No. 1 ranking for another week. The Tigers barely survived South Carolina, but did outgain the Gamecocks by about 200 yards, so I don’t know exactly how to read into that.

What head coach Dabo Swinney said after the game was more interesting, however. When the sideline reporter asked Swinney what the key to victory was, he answered, “We had a bunch of guys that believed.”

Oh, OK. I see. So, if I gather up 70 men in the 18-22 age range, and all of them genuinely believe that they can be the top team in the country, I can coach the top college football team in the country as well? Because all it takes is belief, apparently.

2. Congratulations to Alabama, for maintaining its No. 2 rankings for another week. Not only did the Tide win, they covered at the very end on an insignificant run, prompting CBS color commentator Gary Danielson to say, “That was important for those Alabama fans, if you know what I mean!”

OK, two things: First, why don’t announcers ever mention the other side of the coin? Sure, it was great for Alabama backers, but what about those poor souls who wagered on Auburn? Are they not human? Why do their feelings matter less?

Second, that touchdown was Derrick Henry’s 46th carry of the afternoon. It actually surprised me that Saban threatened to ruin Henry’s professional career with such an enormous workload. Saban is such an upstanding guy who always cares more for his players than his career. He would never put himself before one of his players. Never. Because Saban is an incredible, selfless human being.

OK, sorry, I can’t handle this level of sarcasm for that long. Yes, Saban is an a**hole. NFL teams have told us that they hate how he runs his players into the ground, and this was another example. It’s ridiculous that he gave Henry 46 carries. In fact, it’s completely irresponsible. We saw what happened when Herm Edwards gave Larry Johnson an absurd workload in Kansas City, and this is on the same level. Saban would be ashamed of himself for doing this if he actually had a soul.

3. ESPN’s bottom-line ticker got me again. Last week, I complained that this confused me because I thought it was a college football score:

This week, I turned on the TV to see “Louisville 31, Kentucky 24.” My first thought: Holy crap, the Kentucky Wildcats and Louisville Cardinals are playing, and Kentucky’s losing? John Calipari, the douche, is going to be so sad!”

And then my dreams were crushed when I realized it was college football. Alas, a meaningless game, though Kentucky actually missed out on a bowl by losing. Poor Kentucky. Its fans won’t be able to watch the Wildcats battle some fifth-place team from the Seaweed Conference in the Wizards of the Coast Magic Bowl.

I’ll repeat what I wrote last week: College basketball shouldn’t be on right now. It shouldn’t be on anyone’s radar, and generally isn’t because football is too prominent right now. The NCAA should begin college football once the conference championships are over for football; that way, the first big Saturday for college football would commence right after the gridiron action is over.

Random College Football Notes, Week 12:

1. There’s a big shake-up in the college football playoff rankings this week in the wake of Ohio State’s loss. I’m posting these picks on a Tuesday, obviously, so I don’t know what the top four will look like, but Iowa is sure to take the Buckeyes’ spot. Two thoughts on this change:

First, it’s kind of ridiculous that the Hawkeyes presumably get to move into the top four just because another team lost. Iowa wasn’t very impressive, as it didn’t handle a 2-8 Purdue team all that well despite the fact that the Boilermakers lost their starting quarterback in the first half. Sure, the Hawkeyes are undefeated, but who cares? They haven’t beaten anyone. Their best win was at Wisconsin, and the Badgers didn’t have their starting running back.

Second, it didn’t surprise me at all that Ohio State lost. The Buckeyes had played like crap for most of the year. They had trouble putting away Northern Illinois, Indiana, Maryland and Minnesota. The fact that they couldn’t blast bad opponents was a sure sign that they were due for a letdown. Great teams take care of business. Overrated teams play like lethargic bums against inferior competition.

2. With Ohio State and Oklahoma State going down, Notre Dame should be safe in the top four. The Irish had issues against Boston College, however, which is troubling. What I thought I saw earlier was much worse:

I was mildly hung over Saturday morning when I saw this score and was completely confused. “Why the f*** is Notre Dame allowing 26 points to UMass Lowl, and what the hell is UMass Lowl!?” I said aloud. It took me about 30 seconds to realize that this was a college basketball score.

I felt stupid, but the true culprit is the NCAA. Why the hell is college basketball starting so soon? It’s not even Thanksgiving! If you’re college basketball, why clash with football at all? College hoops should begin after the college football conference championships. That would be a smooth transition. But as for now, there’s too much going on and I can’t concentrate on college basketball at all. All I know is that UMass Lowl probably isn’t very good.

3. I missed the end of the early games because I was getting a haircut. When I left my house, North Carolina was up big; I noticed that score because I considered Virginia Tech as a possible wager. I thanked the heavens that I didn’t bet that game as I pulled out of my driveway.

When I came back home, I saw the following message on my Facebook wall from Chris B:

After this unc game….I’m pretty sure my betting career has come to a screeching halt. I’m honestly not sure if you saw it but it is Completely fixed what just happened.

I asked him what occurred, and here’s what transpired, for those of you who missed it as well:

Unc is up 24-10 cruising. Williams fumbles the ball halfway through 4th….tech recovers and scores td on a 4th down play. 24-17. Unc gets the ball back and is driving. Fumbles again. VT scores another td on a 4th down play with a minute left. 24-24. Ot. VT gets ball first and scores a field goal. Unc gets ball and throws a td on 3rd down that the receiver clearly never caught and they let the play stand. ALL unc backers lose.

Ugh. I’ve been on too many of these sides this year in college football and the NFL. Just see the Jaguars-Titans game last Thursday as proof. It’s frustrating, but there’s nothing you can do besides shake it off, keep betting and get screwed out of more money.

Random College Football Notes, Week 11:

1. I haven’t discussed the college football playoff rankings yet. I’m fine with everything thus far, save for Iowa’s spot. I have no idea why the committee continues to place the Hawkeyes fifth. They’re just not that good. Sure, they’re undefeated, but so were the 2013 Chiefs. Remember them? They were 9-0, thanks to slim victories over horrible quarterbacks like Case Keenum and Charlie Frye. They ultimately got their a** handed to them by better opponents and collapsed down the stretch. The same thing is going to happen to Iowa. I mean, sure, if the Hawkeyes win the Big Ten, put them into the field, but ranking them this high so early is pretty stupid.

Of course, this wouldn’t matter as much if we had an eight-team playoff. Sure, we’d be arguing 8 vs. 9 instead of 4 vs. 5, but 8 vs. 9 is far less significant, since the ninth seed probably wouldn’t have much of a chance to win it all, whereas the fifth seed could definitely prevail.

2. This was one of the funniest things to come out of the college football action this past weekend: Baylor player fakes injury.

I’m actually fine with this. It looks ridiculous, but the NCAA and NFL haven’t done anything about changing the rules, so why can’t the defense gain a competitive edge by faking an injury and slowing down an opposing offense? I hate these ridiculous fast-paced attacks, only because they usually have those stupid signs Chip Kelly invented – the ones with four random pictures. I hate those things, and I’ve ranted about them on numerous occasions, so I’m not going down that dark path again.

What the NFL and NCAA should do, if they want to stop people faking injuries, is to have it so an injured player can’t re-enter the very same drive unless a timeout is used at any point. I think this would work. The NCAA already has a dumb rule where a player has to leave the field for one play if his helmet comes off, so why not make an “injured” player stay sidelined for a drive? It seems like the logical step – unless, of course, the rule-makers hate those dumb signs as much as I do.

3. Speaking of stupid things, Texas A&M is suing the Indianapolis Colts for their infringement on the copyright of the “12th Man.”

First of all, when were the Colts even using the “12th Man?” I’ve never heard this before. I know the Seahawks do – and they pay Texas A&M $5,000 per year to do so – but the Colts? When did that happen?

Second, how can Texas A&M sue for this? It seems ridiculous. How did they copyright the “12th Man?” It seems a bit obvious, no? There are 11 men on the field, so the crowd is the “12th Man.” I feel like every team should be able to say this.

If I were the Colts, I’d do one of two things: One, I’d troll Texas A&M and refer to my crowd as the “13th Man” and then copyright that. Two, I’d continue to use “12th Man” without paying them a single dime. What’s Texas A&M going to do? Sure, they’re filing a lawsuit, but who cares? If I were Jim Irsay, I’d hire some mobsters and tell Texas A&M, “I’m not showing up to court. If you want your money for ’12th Man,’ come and get it, mother-f***ers. We’ll see how my mob friends feel about that.”

I’m not usually in favor of violence, but when it comes to horrible lawsuits that waste taxpayer money and ruin our country? Sign me up.

Random College Football Notes, Week 10:

1. Les Miles. More Saban. Alabama beat LSU again, costing me two units. I called Alabama overrated in my College Football Picks page, prompting some Crimson Tide fan to ask, “Do yew still think Bama over rated lulz?” in the comments on that page. Yeah, like any normal person would change their mind completely after just one game. That’s stupid.

What else is stupid are my college football picks. This is a PSA to all hate-mailers: If you want more chances to make fun of my ineptitude concerning picking games, you can also post negative things on my college football picks page, since I’ve been so bad with those this year.

2. Speaking of incompetence, there was some horrible officiating concerning the two Michigan schools. The Wolverines were flagged for “intent to deceive,” whatever the hell that means. The official didn’t explain how Michigan was intending to deceive, only citing that it was via substitutions. Jim Harbaugh may have tried to deceive – in fact, it’s almost a guarantee that he was – but the ref could’ve at least explained it. Aren’t all coaches intending to deceive with their game plan? I don’t get it.

The worse offense took place against Michigan State. You’ve all seen it by now: A horrible official ruled that a Spartan defender pushed a Nebraska receiver out of bounds, thus nullifying a penalty that originally negated the game-winning touchdown. Replay showed that the wideout ran out of bounds on his own. It was a horrible call that ruined Michigan State’s season, and it’s a shame.

However, the silver lining to come from this was a tweet from Plaxico Burress:

Excepting all resumes? Does this mean that they aren’t looking at any resumes? I’m not sure what that byproduct of Michigan State education is trying to say.

3. There’s been some controversy about stealing signals in the Pac-12. I personally don’t care if teams try to do this. If they want to steal signals, then they can go ahead. That’s fine. Whatever.

The reason I’m not up in arms about this is because the signals are dumb. Maybe if college teams stopped using those stupid signs with random pictures to tell their players what to do, the opposition wouldn’t be stealing signals so easily. I hate those signs. College football has become a cartoon because of these dumb signs. Like, I almost expect Wile E. Coyote to blow up one of the quarterbacks with dynamite. Why do teams even use these signs? Football has existed for more than a century without these ridiculous signs. We don’t need them, so stop using them!

Random College Football Notes, Week 9:

1. I suppose I have to lead off with the Duke-Miami debaclation, right? In case you’ve been living under a rock, or you were accidentally eaten by Rosie O’Donnell, you’re well aware of what happened in the Duke-Miami game. If you missed it, the Blue Devils were set to win, but the Hurricanes prevailed on the final play, which featured eight laterals. Of course, a player was down, illegal blocks were made, and some idiot from the Miami sideline ran onto the field as the play was going on. There was a 10-minute review, yet the officiating crew didn’t overturn the play. YouTube this if you somehow haven’t caught it.

I pretty much agree with the consensus opinion on this. The ACC, which suspended the officials, should give Duke the victory because it screwed up. The argument was that this was the final play of the game, and Miami unjustly won, so Duke should be rewarded the victory. This would also help the conference itself, as a better bowl for Duke would mean more revenue for the ACC. There’s literally no reason not to strip Miami of the victory and give it to Duke.

It doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen, however, as the ACC is run by incompetent buffoons who’ve watched numerous teams flee from their decaying conference. If I’m David Cutcliffe, head coach of the Blue Devils, I’d march onto Miami’s campus and challenge the Hurricanes’ interim head coach to a duel. If he accepts, I’d say that I will select my champion, and I’d pick the guy who played Bronn from Game of Thrones to fight for me. If the Miami coach declines, I’d slit his throat with my blade, send his head back to ACC headquarters and just commandeer the victory myself. I really don’t see the downside to this strategy.

2. Congratulations to J.T. Barrett, for being the dumbest person in America last week. Barrett just reclaimed the starting quarterback position at Ohio State from Cardale Jones, so what did he do? He was cited for a DUI this past weekend!

As opposed to studying film and making sure he’d hold on to the starting job for good, Barrett foolishly drove drunk, and he’ll be suspended for this upcoming Minnesota contest as a result. So, what if Jones dominates the Gophers, scoring five touchdowns in the process? There’s no chance Urban Meyer will turn back to Barrett, which makes Barrett’s joyride so much worse.

In honor of this, I have to issue my PSA that I note every single time a professional athlete is involved in a DUI: Hey, stupid sports stars, you have money and entourages. There’s absolutely no reason you should be driving, even if you’re sober. Either hire a driver or have one of your boys drive. Don’t be dumb. Don’t risk DUIs. Either give someone cash or a hot chick in exchange for driving you everywhere. It’s simple. Don’t be a moron.

3. On a completely random note that has to do with other sports, I found the following tweet amusing:

Last night the median age of the viewers for NBA’s Opening Night doubleheader on TNT was 36.0, for Game 1 of the World Series 52.7

So, only fossilized people are watching baseball? Makes sense. Baseball is so damn boring; I don’t know how anyone can possibly watch it. Even the World Series is a snooze fest. My dad echoed this sentiment recently:

“I love watching baseball. If I’m tired, I can put it on and fall asleep right away.”

My dad is 62, so I guess he fits the normal audience for baseball fans. I’m not quite there yet, and as a 33-year-old, I don’t need naps in the evening at this point, but perhaps I’ll become a baseball “fan” in 19 years.

Random College Football Notes, Week 8:

1. The Michigan Wolverines have a jerk coach. But a great one, at that.

Michigan was up 31-0 in a recent game. It was late in the second half, so the opponent had no chance to come back. Yet, the Wolverines ran a fake punt.

What a dick move. Jim Harbaugh appeared to be responsible at first, but then he yelled at the punter on the sidelines.

I say, well done, Harbs. You totally convinced everyone that you had nothing to do with it. But I know you better than that. You clearly set this whole thing up and pretended to scream at your punter just so everyone wouldn’t think you were a douche. Then again, you were probably yelling at the guy because he could’ve gotten an extra yard or something.

2. Moving on to the SEC, the Georgia-Tennessee game a few weeks ago has been something I’ve been meaning to talk about. It was frustrating early on when the Vols kept shooting themselves in the foot, but the Bulldogs did just that late in the game. They made a mistake late with a 12-men substitution infraction, resulting in a 5-yard penalty on the final drive.

While this was a dumb mistake – how do you have 12 men on the field on the most important play of the game? – perhaps the greatest blunder was made by CBS color analyst Gary Danielson, who was shouting at the top of his lungs that the contest was over because of a 10-second run-off. I rolled my eyes upon hearing this. That’s because the clock wasn’t running.

A 10-second run-off without a running clock? Come on, Gary, it’s almost like you never played in the NFL for a decade. It really boggles my mind how many announcers, who happened to be former players, don’t know the basic rules. Anyone who has ever played Madden is well aware that there is no 10-second run-off when the clock isn’t moving. How do all of these former players not know this? It’s not like Danielson isn’t the only one. It seems like an announcer gets tripped up by this every week. It’s ridiculous.

3. Speaking of stupid things, I really hate some people on Twitter, and I’m not talking about the PC idiots who wait to be offended by something that doesn’t concern them. Those people are the scum of the Earth, but people who tweet stuff like this aren’t far behind:

I’ve never had anything against Matt Zenitz in the past, and I’m sure he’s a nice fellow or whatever, but he and others of his ilk have begun posting football Vines videos on Twitter, which pretty much obliterates the RAM on my computer. I actually have to shut down my Web browser after some of these videos.

Did Zenitz have to post this video? Why? Couldn’t he just have described what was happening? He’s a writer, after all. He doesn’t need to show a stupid video of a missed field goal. Just say the kicker missed the damn field goal!

Random College Football Notes, Week 7:

1. I have to say that Rod Gilmore is my favorite college football color analyst. I feel like I learn something every time I listen to one of his games. However, Gilmore’s best attribute is his Game of Thrones references. If you missed it, he had this to say during the Utah-Arizona State game:

“The middle of the field is dark and full of terrors, but Travis Wilson is the Lord of Light.”

Wow, what a reference! Very apt, too, considering what happened in the game. Unfortunately, the play-by-play guy clearly wasn’t a Game of Thrones fan, so he didn’t really know how to respond. The appropriate thing to say would be, “You’re lucky I’m not a red priest, Rod, or I’d burn you at the stake for saying Wilson is R’hlor.”

2. Saturday’s slate in terms of my college football picks was dark and full of terrors, that’s for sure. I had Louisville, and the team was up 14-13 in the second half, yet it lost and failed to cover despite being decent-sized underdogs. I wouldn’t call that a bad beat though. The true bad beat of Saturday was in that very same Utah-Arizona State contest.

Scott Van Pelt and Stanford Steve mentioned this in their Bad Beats segment because it was brutal. The Sun Devils were leading 18-14 in the middle of the fourth quarter as touchdown underdogs. It appeared as though they had the cover in the bag, but a Utah touchdown and field goal, thanks to poor special teams plays, made it 24-18 with just a few minutes left. Arizona State then fumbled the ball on a botched handoff, but the Italian quarterback pounced on it – except that he somehow didn’t recover. Despite the fact that he was the only person around the ball, Utah somehow got possession and kicked a short field goal to make it 27-18.

But that’s not all. The Sun Devils drove deep into Utah territory and appeared to be in field-goal range. However, two horrible dropped passes made it third-and-long, and the Italian quarterback – don’t want to look up that spelling – took a big sack to knock the team out of kicking range. An Alex Smith-type pass failed to move the chains on fourth-and-forever, and Utah took over on downs. The Utes ran a long touchdown when Arizona State stopped trying, so that would explain the extra score at the end. This dropped me to 1-4 on the day when I should’ve been an underwhelming, but not terrible 2-3.

3. I guess the worst beat of the day had to be at Michigan, right? The Wolverines weren’t going to cover, but there were plenty of people who had them on the moneyline or in a teaser. They were going to win until they botched a punt, allowing Michigan State to take it back for six. So, even though I lost brutally with Arizona State, I guess I can’t feel too terrible because I wasn’t part of that. And the worst part? Gilmore wasn’t featured on the Michigan-Michigan State telecast to offer up some awesome Game of Thrones references as a consolation.

By the way, I need to say this: Mark May is an idiot. May argued that the Wolverines shouldn’t have punted, but instead had the quarterback run around and waste the remaining time. Do I have to explain how stupid this is? What if the snap was botched? What if the quarterback was sacked quickly? What if he fumbled? What if he threw a pick? What if he didn’t take the entire clock down? I’d be willing to bet that if Michigan did that, May would have argued that Jim Harbaugh should’ve punted. As a legendary running back once said, hindsight is 50-50.

Random College Football Notes, Week 6:

1. The big news this week is that the two USCs in college football have bid farewell to their head coaches. Let’s begin with Steve Spurrier, who made a surprising announcement Monday afternoon. When it was first announced that the 70-year-old Spurrier was walking away, I was scared that it was for health reasons. That turned out not to be the case, as Spurrier apparently just didn’t like the direction the team was headed.

And we now have proof that Spurrier is both an a**hole and a hypocrite. He’s the former because he abandoned all of the kids he recruited in the previous offseason. What are they supposed to do now? They wanted to play for the legendary “Ball Coach,” and now they have to take the field for some dingus for the rest of the year. That’s real fair. Nice job, Steve.

Spurrier is a hypocrite because all college football coaches preach work ethic and the importance of finishing what you start. Yet, Spurrier isn’t doing that. Do you think he would’ve chastised a player who just quit on his team mid-season? Of course he would have. So, someone needs to chastise Spurrier, and it sure as well won’t be the major media members he’s buddy-buddy with. I’ll volunteer.

Spurrier has shown that he has absolutely no character by doing this. You don’t just walk away from your team in the middle of the season. I don’t care if they’re 0-6. Unless it’s for health reasons, you ride it out with them and then step down at the end of the year. Abandoning people you happen to be close with is a scum-bag move, and it’s actually the first thing I’ll remember about Spurrier in two or three decades. I don’t care about his success at Duke and Florida. He’s a piece of s*** for just walking away from his players like this.

2. We had Spurrer the Quitter, and we also had Sarkisian the Drunk. If you’ve been living under a rock, Steve Sarkisian was fired from USC – the West Coast one – because he allegedly was drunk during games and team functions. I’m not one of these idiots who is going to preach about alcoholism being a disease. A close family member of mine is a chronic alcoholic, and I’ve lost all respect for him. It’s not a disease. It’s a sign of weakness. Sarkisian needs help for sure, but I’m not going to cry and whine about it, and I’m not going to congratulate him either when he stops drinking. There are far more difficult things to overcome, such as actual diseases like cancer.

I am going to focus on Pat Haden, however, who is somehow absolved of blame. The inept athletic director brought in Sarkisian, yet did nothing about it until Sarkisian began losing to crappy teams. Would he have fired Sarkisian if USC had kept winning? Most definitely not! Keep in mind that Sarkisian’s alcoholism was well known and frequently joked about. During a press conference, when Sarkisian was asked if he has an alcohol problem, he laughed about it and said, “I don’t know, we’ll see.” The hell? “We’ll see?” How was he not fired on the spot after saying that?

Haden is trash, and he needs to be fired immediately. The only thing he can possibly do to save his job right now is to bring in one specific coach…

3. I normally don’t really care who coaches at overrated big-name schools like USC and Texas. Fans of those programs have unrealistic expectations. Take the Longhorns, for example. Yes, they’ve sucked under Charlie Strong, but what did they expect? Mack Brown left the cupboard bare, so Strong didn’t have much to work with. What was he supposed to do in just two seasons? The players he first recruited aren’t even upperclassmen right now. I think any coach deserves at least four years.

However, things could change this offseason, and I find it fascinating that both USC and Texas will be searching for new coaches because both will be gunning for Chip Kelly. The current Eagles coach has been underwhelming with his new team, predictably failing in an environment in which he doesn’t have unfair recruiting advantages. Kelly has to be very frustrated right now, so I imagine he’ll listen to all offers after the 2015 season. I highly doubt he’ll be fired, but like Bobby Petrino, he’ll probably take the money and run to either USC and Texas. Both schools have billion-dollar alumni who will throw countless cash at him.

There may actually be a bidding war for Kelly’s services, and rightfully so. While he’s a lousy NFL coach, he’s terrific in college, so I expect him to receive offers close to, or even greater than $10 million per season. I’ll actually be pretty surprised if he’s with the Eagles next year.

Random College Football Notes, Week 5:

1. I written about this before, but I need to emphasize it again because it really pisses me off. It’s discouraging how much of a pansy sport football is becoming, thanks to all of these lawsuits and a**hole lawyers, who are the only ones profiting from this.

At one point during the Iowa-Wisconsin game, the play-by-play guy, Steve Levy, shouted the following incoherently upon a big hit: “Are they gonna take a look at this!? Take a look at this!? They going to take a look at this!?”

Is this what football has become? Announcers whining and wondering about whether a hit should be penalized because it was too vicious? Isn’t that what football was supposed to be in the first place?

Of course, it didn’t help that the color analyst, Brock Huard, sounded like he was calling the Iowa Hawkeyes the “Iowa Hot Guys.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

2. I was just watching Pardon the Interruption Friday, just minding my own business, when Lindsay Czarniak flashed onto the screen, squawking with her shrill voice, “Breaking news on SportsCenter, Louisville is being charged with providing escorts to recruits.”

I sat there, anticipating what was next. Were these escorts carrying STDs? Were they illegal (undocumented, sorry, Randy Marsh) immigrants? Were they really dudes (not that there’s anything wrong with that)? I kept waiting for the actual breaking news, but that was it. Just escorts. Plain old escorts.

Am I the only one who was betrayed by Czarniak’s so-called “breaking news?” Seriously, thanks for wasting my time, Lindz.

I know some people like to pretend that things aren’t like this, but people with power have been coaxing those they have interest in with hot women for centuries. When the freaking Roman Empire tried to form an alliance with another country, they provided hot chicks to the prince, or ambassador, or whatever. Some things never change, and every single school does this. Alabama, Auburn, Michigan, USC, Florida, Florida State, Texas. Even my alma mater, Penn State. All provide escorts to recruits.

This is not breaking news. It’s only “breaking news” because Louisville was unfortunate enough to get caught. And no, there should be no punishment. Escorts are wonderful, and everyone should have them.

3. I picked Notre Dame to cover against Clemson. I feel like I had the right side; the Irish outgained the Tigers by about 150 yards, but screwed up repeatedly to ruin their chances of covering (much like the Seahawks on Monday night). Brian Kelly’s inept math skills didn’t help, either. Kelly went for two when he shouldn’t have, and it backfired late when he was forced into trying a two-point conversion at the very end.

I feel like Kelly should hire a 16-year-old who plays Madden to help him with his math. That’s not a joke, since it’s a logical move. This, on the other hand, actually was a joke, but a very bad one:

@Max_503, you are a douche. I’m all for making fun of coaches and players, but talking about the parents of these coaches/players dying of kidney failure is just a dick move. Like, I could say that @Max_503’s mom had a brain aneurysm while giving birth, which would explain why @Max_503 doesn’t understand that he’s being an a**hole, but that would make me a dick as well.

I hate these college fan douches who think they can issue death threats or make disgusting jokes when their team loses. Calm the f*** down. It’s not the end of the world, and it ultimately doesn’t matter if your team wins or losses. A victory isn’t going to make your menial, terrible life any better. Yeah, Kelly screwed up. So what? It’s not like he intentionally sabotaged the team or anything. If he did that, fine, make jokes about his mom dying, but there’s no reason to act like a piece of s*** otherwise.

Random College Football Notes, Week 4:

1. I’ve had my share of bad beats over the years, so I’m happy that I didn’t bet Fresno State a couple of weeks ago, or I’d contemplate jumping off a bridge right now. Fresno State was listed at +14.5. They were within the margin with 40 seconds remaining, and Utah had possession, so all the team had to do was take a knee. Instead, they ran a play-action pass and scored a touchdown to cover. That’s right – it wasn’t just a pass – they ran play-action, up multiple scores, with 40 seconds remaining!

Kyle Whittingham, Utah’s coach, is one of two things: an a**hole, or a corrupt person. It’s probably the former, since shaving points is more likely than being asked to cover, but why would he do this? Did he think that running up the score against Fresno State would impress the voters? I don’t get it.

2. Here’s another gambling horror story: Boston College played Howard a few weeks ago. Yeah, way to go, B.C. Good job scheduling a real tough opponent there. Anyway, those who bet on Boston College to cover – the team was up 62-0 at halftime – couldn’t collect their money. Why? Because it was such a lopsided blowout, the two teams agreed to play two 10-minute quarters to conclude the contest, and because games need to go 55 minutes to be official in sportsbooks, it was ruled an incomplete game.

How absurd is that? First of all, if the talent disparity was so great that the two teams couldn’t play a full game, why schedule each other in the first place? I’m fine with Howard wanting to play a 1-A school, but what did Boston College get out of it? It’s like an NFL team challenging the local high school squad to a game. Yeah, good job going up 62-0 at halftime there! And second, I don’t understand why they couldn’t play the full 60 minutes. So what if Howard was humiliated? It builds character. The people who made this decision are the same idiots who give out participation ribbons to every kid in youth sports. Participation ribbons are for losers, and anyone who keeps one needs to go jump off a bridge.

3. On a brighter note, Charlie and I have posted our new NFL Draft podcast. We discuss the top quarterbacks in the draft, and Charlie reveals why he’s lower on Jared Goff and Robert Nkemdiche than most people.

Random College Football Notes, Week 3:

1. I have to talk about the marquee game, of course, which was the Ole Miss upset over Alabama. It wasn’t really an upset because the Rebels were rated higher according to the metrics, and the Tide was just a seven-point favorite because of its name brand, but still, the stupid public will consider it an upset, nonetheless.

Many Alabama fans will blame Lane Kiffin for the loss, and rightfully so. Kiffin sucks. If his dad wasn’t a legendary defensive coordinator, he’d be handing Gatorade to the players right now. Kiffin killed the team with awful calls all night, but perhaps his biggest downfall was going to those stupid cartoon cards to signal in the plays. I think those are so stupid, and it would make perfect sense that Kiffin would be late to the party with that.

Kiffin reminds me of some loser who gets into a fad just as it’s about to be phased out. Like, when he was a kid, he probably started collecting pogs just when his friends quit playing with them. I can only imagine him going into Nick Saban’s office and going, “Hey, Nick, these other teams have these cool graphic cards! They’re like so awesome! Let’s use them!” And then Saban just said yes because he didn’t want to be bothered by such an annoying douche.

2. Speaking of Saban, I don’t understand how Alabama doesn’t have a quarterback. Like, really, he’s allegedly the best coach in college football, so why couldn’t he recruit a top-rated signal-caller? Saban needs to make a call to Satan because he made a pact with him years ago to always have the top college players. Maybe Satan is slacking and downloading porn, so that would explain why he forgot to give Saban a good quarterback.

3. I’m also shocked Saban didn’t get the top kicker in college football. Forget Joey Bosa; this guy might just be the No. 1 pick in the 2016 NFL Draft. No joke. Check out what happened in the Notre Dame-Georgia Tech game:

Holy crap. A 437-yard field goal? This Harrison Butker fellow has to be the top pick in the draft, right? I mean, that’s an automatic three points on every single possession at the very least, as long as there’s no turnover. If he can blast 400-yard field goals in the NFL, he could be the MVP every single year he’s in the league!

Random College Football Notes, Week 2:

1. I’m almost ashamed I didn’t mention this last week, but Penn State has a fat kicker:

Look at that flab hanging over his pants! As a Penn State alumnus, I’m ashamed we lost to Temple, but I think we were the true winners of that game because we had a 300-pound kicker on the field. I’m just confused over why we didn’t have him eat the opposing quarterback. That way, we might have had a chance to beat those pesky Owls!

2. I’m sad that football is turning into a panzy sport. If you didn’t see the Auburn-Jacksonville State game, some Tiger player named Countess was ejected from the game for “targeting.” This “targeting” penalty occurred when the Jacksonville State quarterback slid. Countess hit him as this was happening. He didn’t collide with his helmet, or anything. It was just a routine tackle. You’re not supposed to hit a signal-caller when he slides feet first, but this occurred simultaneously.

It made zero sense that Countess was ejected. Ten years ago, this would’ve been applauded as a great play. Now, not only is it illegal; but it warrants an ejection. Soon enough, football players will be dressed in bras and playing with balloons.

By the way, Countess? What were this guy’s ancestors thinking? Yeah, let’s have a last name where we sound like we’re some 70-year-old evil woman with long nails who yells at her servants all day.

3. Speaking of the Auburn game, can I say how depressing it was that the Tigers beat Jacksonville State? The Tigers were half-asleep in that game, and they were guilty of dumb things aside from crappy quarterbacking, including some idiot signaling for a fair catch on a regular kickoff with no one around him, which I’ve never seen before. Auburn also was super proud of its giant scoreboard, which the sideline reporter said was larger than the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

Jacksonville State, meanwhile, worked so hard in the game. It deserved the victory. Instead, the Football Gods proved to be a**holes and handed Auburn the win. I have no affiliations against Auburn; it was more so seeing the poor, 45-point underdog get so close and come away heart-broken.

Random College Football Notes, Week 1:

1. College football is different this year. There’s no Lou Holtz! I’m going to miss him. He seemed like a happy old man, and it was always great trying to guess what he was talking about amid all of his indecipherable mumbles.

One e-mailer had a different take on Holtz’s retirement:

With Lou Holtz leaving ESPN it looks to me like two people will be looking for jobs, Lou and the guy that cleans up his spit on set.

2. My College Football Picks are available. One of the teams I had last week was Notre Dame. I bring them up because, hilariously, someone obsessed with former Irish quarterback Tommy Rees has spent most of the spring and summer messing around with Rees’ Wikipedia page. Here’s an example of the mayhem he has caused:

I hope for Rees’ sake that this person is just messing around, and not totally serious. It would suck for Rees to have some weird dude whacking off to all of the posters he has of his favorite Irish quarterback in his mom’s basement.

3. I hate ESPN, but I like that they are incorporating more of a betting aspect into their analysis. For example, they had the spread written down for the Alabama-Wisconsin game (-13), and the host asked Danny Kannell, “Alabama’s favored by 13, who wins tonight?” To that, Kannell replied, “I think Alabama wins, but it’ll be closer than people think.”

Even though Kannell was wrong, I still think this is great. I mean, outside of Alabama and Wisconsin fans (and those who hate the schools), did anyone care if those teams won or lost? Why would some random dude in Los Angeles or New York care about the results of this contest? On the other hand, anyone can bet the game, and people do via Vegas or online sportsbooks, so ESPN should make even more of a concerted effort to discuss the gambling aspects of games.

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