2014 Random College Football Notes





I will be publishing all of my random college football notes that I've listed on my NFL Picks pages here to avoid clutter. This page will be updated each week during the season.


Random College Football Notes, Week 16:

1. Florida State made it to the first-ever college football playoff despite barely beating crappy opponents all year, so I feel like we can make fun of them just a bit. I found some funny memes recently. For instance, here's the newest addition to the Seminoles' roster:



With all that's going on down there, you have to feel for the residents. Fortunately, there's a solution:



2. Speaking of teams in the college football playoff, want to hear the corniest joke of all time? Someone at my gym approached me and said this:

Gym Friend: Hey Walt, I just made this up. If Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory liked sports, who would his favorite team be?

Me: No idea.

Gym Friend: Alabama! Because they have Yeldon, Cooper!

Me: ...

Gym Friend: Get it!?

Me: Yeah. That was the worst joke I've ever heard.

Gym Friend: You don't get it!?

Me: Oh, I got it. I got it all right.

Wow. Terrible. I am laughing now though, so maybe I just needed to think about it for a week.

3. I'm always amazed by the trivial things players get death threats over. A kicker misses a field goal? Death threat. A blue-chip prospect picks School A over School B? Death threat. A player tries to pull another person's pants down? Death threat.

The latter actually did happen. As you may have seen, LSU tight end Logan Stokes tried pulling down the pants of Alabama linebacker Reggie Raglan in a recent game. Stokes, as a consequence, received tons of hate mail from Alabama fans, calling him fa***t and names of that sort.

Kind of stupid, right? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with pulling down someone's pants. Matt Millen probably wishes he would've pulled down many pants and inserted kielbasas into his opponents' backsides.

By the way, I say anyone who sent Stokes a death threat is gay themselves. It's a proven fact that most homophobes are homosexuals because they're insecure of being gay, so rather than embrace their homosexuality and come out of the closet, they choose to hate. It's a shame that they can't send death threats to themselves.





Random College Football Notes, Week 15:

1. It's time to discuss the most important thing to come out of college football this past weekend: the results of the Dr. Pepper Challenge! If you didn't see it, two chicks competed for $100,000 in tuition. One was some Asian girl named Zabrina Reyes, while the other was a hottie named Julia Denney:



I planned to go into this rooting against both girls, hoping they'd make no shots and thus would have to forfeit the money. But then I heard that Zabrina the Teenage Witch wanted to become a neuroscientist. Julia, meanwhile, wanted to be a podiatrist, or something of that nature. I rooted for Julia because she was better-looking.

I have a girlfriend, so this next part doesn't matter as much to me, but single guys may want to take note: Julia does not have a boyfriend. Whereas Zabrina was throwing footballs normally, Julia was trying to do chest passes, which mostly failed. She obviously did not have a boyfriend (or a female friend who loves football) teaching her how to appropriately pass the ball, so if I were you single guys, I'd stalk the hell out of her and become her boyfriend. Worst-case scenario, you'll become friends with a podiatrist and get some free check-ups for your feet!

2. As for the actual games, they were highly entertaining. The Florida State-Georgia Tech game was especially great. I DVRed it because I had my cousin-in-law's birthday party Saturday night. I was able to fast forward through commercials and halftime. I bet Georgia Tech +4, so once the Seminoles established a nine-point lead, I figured I was screwed - and then I just checked the final score and shouted, "HOLY S*** BACKDOOR COVER IN MY FAVOR FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!"

This was so much less stressful than watching a game live, and it was quicker too. I may have to start doing this more often for all the games. Tight NFL contests in which I have heavy units take years off my life, so doing this may allow me to avoid a heart attack at 40.

3. Thoughts on the first college football playoff: It's kind of stupid that the selection committee picked Ohio State over both TCU and Baylor when it was obvious that both Big XII schools were vastly superior. The Big Ten blows - I'm saying this as a Penn State alumnus - and Ohio State has barely beaten crap teams like Indiana and Minnesota recently. Either TCU or Baylor would've been the better choice, but I'm not complaining because Alabama is such an easy pick over the Buckeyes.

As for TCU and Baylor, the Big XII should've just hosted a conference championship last weekend. The rules state they can't because they have just 10 teams in the conference, but I would have done so anyway. What was the NCAA going to do? Send in the National Guard to stop it from happening? Of course not, because the NCAA is a decaying organization. If I were the Big XII commissioner I would've told the NCAA to go f*** itself and had Baylor and TCU battle each other on a neutral field.





Random College Football Notes, Week 14:

1. Michigan's season is over, so we can say goodbye to Brady Hoke. Or is it Jeff Hoke? Or Jeff Garlin?



I think Michigan is being stupid by letting Hoke go. Yeah, he sucked, but so did Rich Rodriguez, and look at what the "non-Michigan Man" is doing in Arizona. Colleges always seem to make the mistake of firing coaches too early, when they really should be giving them more of a chance.

2. The Iron Bowl was interesting until the very end. Alabama eventually jumped out to a 19-point lead, with Auburn having possession with a minute left. I found it very odd that Jesse Palmer cried out, "TIMEOUT! TIMEOUT! THEY HAVE TO CALL A TIMEOUT! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT COULD HAPPEN!"

Uhh.. we know what's going to happen. Alabama is going to win - because it was up 19 with a minute left. Auburn didn't even have a legitimate chance of covering the 10-point spread, though maybe Palmer bought a couple of points and was praying for the Tigers to cover. And they won't even let Kirk Herbstreit pick games straight up!

3. I like what the college football playoff committee is doing. I have no issues with Florida State being dropped to No. 4. I wouldn't kick the Seminoles out of the top four, even if Baylor wins this week by the score of 104-0, but I do think Florida State should be penalized for barely beating crap opponents like Florida, Miami and Boston College. Jameis Winston needs to pay the price for his point-shaving tactics.

I'd make one little change though in my bracket:







Random College Football Notes, Week 13:

1. I need to quote my girlfriend more often pertaining to college football. I mentioned several weeks ago that upon hearing Matt Millen, she asked something like, "Isn't that the guy who talks about wanting to bang football players?"

This past Saturday, I made her watch the end of the Florida State-Boston College game. I explained to her that the Seminoles were the defending national champions, but they had barely been beating mediocre teams all year. Florida State prevailed, but even she wasn't impressed.

"Not that I'm being a dick, but they didn't even score a touchdown. They just made a short kick."

My thoughts, exactly. If people ignored records, this Florida State team would not be in the top four.

2. This wasn't the best weekend for top football action. Florida State almost went down, but that was about it. The slate was so uneventful that Ross Tucker tweeted this around 3 p.m.:

Time to turn to "The Game" on @NBCSN if you aren't already. Like now.

What? Was there a great game I didn't know about? I eagerly flipped to NBC Sports Network and was disappointed to see that Tucker was referring to Harvard-Yale. And it's not even like it was a tense moment. Harvard was up by three with 8:16 remaining and had the ball. I figured I'd catch a cool two-minute drive amid an incredible comeback, yet all I saw were inferior athletes who won't be playing in the NFL.

I flipped back to one of the other blowouts. I saw no point in watching a meaningless game featuring almost no draft prospects. Besides, why would I want to support NBC? I'm not putting a single dime into Bob Costas' wallet so that he can buy more expensive wine and think about how he's going to save humanity.

3. Speaking of NBC, it's time for another Rotoworld gaffe:



Wow, how great is the NCAA? It allowed the entire Penn State team to be draft-eligible this season. Hear that, crappy NFL teams without quarterbacks? You can draft Christian Hackenberg if you don't like Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston!





Random College Football Notes, Week 12:

1. I was glad when I saw that the playoff committee ranked Florida State No. 3 this week. I feel like the dumb, ESPN-type thinking is that Florida State should be No. 1 now because they were unbeaten. Bravo to the committee members for not just doing the derp thing like looking at records like a few of the commenters on my NFL Power Rankings page.

My only beef with the rankings was that Alabama wasn't in the top four a week ago. That's not a problem now, but Vegas always considered the Tide to be the No. 1 team in the country. Alabama deserves to be No. 1 now; not Florida State. The Seminoles aren't even close, as they've had short, garbage wins over pedestrian opponents. I'm not impressed at all.

2. Speaking of Florida State, news broke that Jameis Winston point shaved against Louisville to help his friend from UAB win a $5,000. TMZ broke this story, but it was quickly swept under the rug by the NCAA, who didn't want the public to know that there are fix games when, in fact, there are multiple fixed games every single week, per a former mobster Jim Rome interviewed on his show about a decade ago.

Point shaving occurs all the time in football. It happens in the NFL, and it's more prevalent in college sports. They didn't call Bruce Gradkowski the "Polish Point Shaver" for nothing.

I'd trust this story because TMZ broke it. TMZ is a dumb news outlet that reports on stories no one cares about ("OMG Selina Gomez was wearing sweatpants to the supermarket lololololololololol!!!!") but they're mostly accurate. If they say Winston point shaved, then he point shaved. I hope his UAB friend bought some cool stuff with his five grand, including some crab legs as a gift for Jameis.

3. I need to say something concerning the NBA. I live right outside of Philly, so I hear promos for Sixers games during commercials. This one made me spit out my food:

"Can Nerles Noel take down this rising Rockets' team!?"

Uhh... the Rockets from the NBA? Or some local team from the suburbs coincidentally named the Rockets? Houston is one of the best teams in the league, while the Sixers, who haven't won a single game yet, lost to the Mavericks by more than 50 points! How in hell were they going to take down the Rockets? Granted, the game ended up being close, but this commercial bordered on false advertising. The Sixers aren't winning many games this year, so they certainly aren't going to beat one of the NBA's best squads.


Random College Football Notes, Week 11:

1. My mind was blown recently. I've made fun of Corrine Brown on this site before. If you haven't heard this illiterate congresswoman before, take a look at this video:



Well, Brad M. sent over this e-mail last week:

As a proud Gator, I just have to point out that Corrine Brown "gradulated" from Florida A&M. She wasn't talking about her alma mater, but one of the skools in her f***ed-up district. Gerrymandering, much? Welcome to Florida. I guess they wanted to create a district with nothing but basketball-Americans so that she could get elected.

Wow. So, this abomination wasted congress' time to talk about a school she didn't even go to? How did this clown even get elected? Republicans took control of the house on election night, but I don't think it even matters with the number of morons like Brown in our government.

2. I don't know about you, but I loved this sign that was spotted during this week's College GameDay:



This might be a joke, but you know what? I could see May actually eating cat food. He probably makes weekly trips to PetCo and purchases dozens of cans of cat food. I could imagine...

PetCo Cashier: Wow, that's a lot of cat food you go there, Mark! Your cats must be awfully hungry!

Mark May: Uhh... yeah! Those cats... always eating... ha!

3.The NCAA finally did something right. They allowed Monet Davis - I call her Monet Davis instead of Mo'Ne Davis - to keep the money she made in some commercial.

Bravo, NCAA, bravo! She deserves to keep her money, and it's great that you were so generous to allow her to do so... except that you... shouldn't have had... a say in it...

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but Monet Davis does not go to college. And the NCAA stands for National Collegiate Athletic Association. It does not stand for National Middle School Athletic Association. Why the hell would the NCAA have any sort of say in what Monet Davis currently does? I might as well come out and say that I'm going to allow Monet Davis to keep her money. Hear that, Monet? I'm on your side (even though I don't approve of your name).


Random College Football Notes, Week 10:

1. Maryland made a statement against Penn State, refusing to shake hands prior to the game. They received some criticism for this, but I loved it. Why does everyone have to be friends? You should hate the team you're going up against.

The color analyst of the Penn State-Maryland game, Joey Galloway, caught some flak on Twitter for defending what the Terps did, as you can see here:



Five things are clear: @jdifredi is a sissy. @JoanieBaloney90 is a sissy. @jstbreathin is a sissy. @nickprice91 is a sissy. And all of them suck. They are the sorts of idiots who think that all kids deserve a trophy in youth sports. This sort of mentality is turning America into a wuss country, and it needs to stop before it's too late. So, the next time you're in a sporting event, don't shake your opponent's hand. You'll be improving America as a result.

2. Speaking of the Penn State-Maryland game, it was astonishing how annoying the sideline reporter was at the end of the game. The Terps' coach kept trying to walk away, yet the reporter continued to chase him down and ask stupid questions. Seriously, the coach thought the interview was over when the sideline reporter chased him down to ask one more question: "What did this win do for your program coach, lol?"

Uhh... what do you think it does? It'll obviously boost team morale for the present and improve recruiting for the future. There's no need to ask this question because everyone knows the answer. Why does the coach need to respond to this?

More importantly, why do we need sideline reporters? Unless they are eye candy, there's no point in having them. Even that reason is somewhat invalid, as panned shots to the cheerleaders is good enough. We don't need losers asking questions like, "Are you wearing boxers or briefs, Coach lol?" It's pathetic, especially when grown men are the ones asking these sorts of questions.

3. I've discussed my criticism of ESPN not allowing Kirk Herbstreit to pick games he's announcing, but I have never delved into how much I appreciate Chris Fowler. The host of College Gameday constantly tosses out gambling tidbits like "Team X hasn't covered since Week 1" or "Team Y has covered four in a row." It's awesome, and I'm glad one of the major voices on a sports network understands the fact that most people watching football games are bettors. I wish Chris Berman would do the same on Sunday NFL Countdown.

Anyway, the guest this week, Brad Paisley, was amusing because he said Rich Rodriguez "sucks." Some of the ESPN analysts criticized him for this throughout the day, but I loved it. Rodriguez is most definitely a douche, and any West Virginia fan deserves to bash him. We need more candid people on TV. Perhaps we wouldn't have such a wussy country if that were the case.


Random College Football Notes, Week 9:

1. If you didn't see this, ESPN's Darren Rovell got into trouble for tweeting about Justin Brent's sexual escapades. People jumped on Rovell, calling him a snitch for talking about Brent's sexual affairs. This is a big deal because Brent goes to Notre Dame, where pre-marital sex is against the football team's rules (seriously).

I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Rovell is just doing his job. He gets paid to report news, and because Brent is a public figure, this is news. It's not Rovell's fault that Notre Dame uses rules from the 1800s, and it was Brent's decision to go there. If he wanted to freely have pre-marital sex without being burned at the stake, he should have gone to a different school.

With that in mind, I don't get why more NFL prospects don't go to UNLV. Sure, it's not a football powerhouse, but the athletes can have all the sex they want there. They can bang hookers gamble on themselves (or against themselves), and just go nuts without any repercussions. Sounds like much more fun than Notre Dame.

2. The Ohio State-Penn State game would've been a great game if it wasn't for the shady officiating. The Buckeyes prevailed in double overtime, thanks to numerous horrible calls. However, the most curious part of the contest was that ESPN decided to have Todd Blackledge be the color analyst. Blackledge, of course, played for Penn State decades ago. I'm a fan of Blackledge as an announcer, but he was clearly biased, as he yelled "there it is!" on a big play during Penn State's first drive in overtime.

If Blackledge is allowed to be biased, why can't Kirk Herbstreit? I've mentioned this countless times, but it's so stupid that Herbstreit can't pick games he's announcing. I think it's worse to have a former school's player call the game. Instead, all Herbstreit does is hold up Lee Corso's microphone during the picking segment. Good thing he didn't pick LSU, or he would've yelled "there it is!" as Bo Wallace threw that horrible interception.

3. Good job by the NCAA playoff committee. I can get behind their seeding (Mississippi State vs. Ole Miss; Florida State vs. Auburn), though I think Alabama belongs in there. Still, it's a vast improvement over the previous system. I've said it countless times, but I think 100 years from now, people are going to look back at the BCS and laugh, wondering what the hell people were thinking by utilizing such a corrupt system.

That said, I wish the college football playoff would go to eight teams at the very least. Sixteen would be ideal, but eight would be much better than four. It would also make these selection shows so much more exciting.


Random College Football Notes, Week 8:

1. I suppose I have to mention the Florida State-Notre Dame game, right? It's a shame that thriller was decided by a penalty, but it was the right call. The Irish player was open because of those illegal blocks. The refs got it right.

Having said that, the rules aren't right. I hated the fact that Notre Dame was penalized 15 yards for that foul. Why does it have to be 15 yards? Something like offensive pass interference should be 10 yards. Had it been 10 yards, the Irish would've had a chance. Instead, Notre Dame might as well have punted, even on fourth-and-goal, because they had no chance of converting that.

2. I criticized the old farts at Florida State for suspending Jameis Winston after he shouted that stupid meme at the student union. Had the people running Florida State not been 5,000 years old, they would've understood what Winston was quoting, and what a meme is in the first place.

Having said that, I think they did a good job by not suspending Winston for taking money for autographs. Though Jimbo Fisher would have an aneurysm if he read this, there is absolutely no doubt that Winston made money from those autographs. That's because at least half - and I'd like to stress the "at least" - of the prominent players in college football history have done so. And there's nothing wrong with that because these players are entitled to make money off their own name.

While Georgia made a mistake by suspending Todd Gurley, Florida State is doing the right thing by allowing its superstar to play. Even if the NCAA obtains physical evidence that Winston collected money - it failed to do so when Johnny Manziel and Cam Newton did something similar - Florida State should just say "go f*** yourself" if the NCAA attempts to penalize it. These colleges are well aware that the NCAA is a dying entity with diminishing power, so a strong program like Florida State ignoring a potential sanction would definitely prompt other schools to follow.

, 3. Winston shouldn't get in trouble for the autographs, but here's something that could put him in hot water. I found the following news clip on Twitter:



Wow, what a dick. Stealing crab legs and assaulting a woman isn't cool, but it's nothing compared to assassinating a U.S. president. JFK had such a long life ahead of him, but Winston just had to end it. Douche.


Random College Football Notes, Week 7:

1. There were so many great college football games this weekend, so it's a shame that all anyone talked about the entire week was that Todd Gurley would be suspended for receiving money for his own autographs. Money that he deserves.

Anything I'd write about this has already been said. The NCAA is a corrupt organization that profits off these players, so the players should be able to earn money off their name. I really don't see what the argument against this is. I get that directly paying the players can be a slippery slope because the richest schools would have such a huge advantage, but why can't players like Gurley make money off autographs? It seems perfectly legitimate to collect some cash for some of his signatures. Who's the NCAA to say that the players can't profit off of this?

Ultimately though, this might be the best thing to ever happen to Gurley. As Charlie Campbell reported last week, NFL sources told us that Gurley's NFL Draft stock won't be impacted. With that in mind, Gurley won't be injured like Willis McGahee or Marcus Lattimore in any game, so there's a good chance he'll end up a top-15 pick, as seen in my 2015 NFL Mock Draft.

Oh, and to top it off, Gurley made money off this deal. If I were him, I'd go nuts. Since he's banned from games anyway, he should sign with as many companies as possible. He might as well begin shooting commercials for Subway, Gatorade, Pepsi, Viagra, or whomever.

2. I think it can be cool when students storm the field. It's great when a home underdog knocks off a top-10 team, much like Ole Miss did with Alabama a week ago. That deserved a field-storming. Conversely, I liked that Mississippi State didn't do that after it beat Auburn. The Bulldogs were favored, so there was no need to do this.

So, with that in mind, what the hell were the Baylor students doing after beating TCU? I understand that they pulled through in a thrilling comeback, but the Bears were nine-point favorites over TCU. T-C-freaking-U! And it's not like Baylor hasn't been good for a while. Anyone who ran onto the field after that victory should revoke their football fan license.

3. The games this Saturday were great, but the best part of the day was when my girlfriend heard Matt Millen talking during one of the games. She immediately asked, "Wait, is that the guy who always talks about wanting to bang players all night long, or something?"

I burst out laughing. It's hilarious that my girlfriend, who barely knows anything about football, is aware of how much of a heterosexually challenged pervert Millen is (not that there's anything wrong with that).


Random College Football Notes, Week 6:

1. I'm not one to criticize college football picks because mine have sucked this year, but I found it ridiculous that of the four people selecting the games on College GameDay, only Katy Perry got the Alabama-Ole Miss matchup correct. Katy freaking Perry. Desmond Howard picked Alabama. Kirk Herbstreit picked Alabama. Lee Corso donned the elephant hat and played Sweet Home Alabama. Katy Perry, meanwhile, was the only one who went with Ole Miss, and she did this as she wrote her picks in with a giant pencil and tossed corn dogs everywhere. I was shocked that the PC idiots on Twitter didn't give her a hard time for wasting food while there are people starving to death in third-world countries like Africa and Camden, N.J.

Katy making the entire College Gameday crew look stupid wasn't the most significant thing she did during the broadcast, nor was it announcing that she wouldn't pay to perform at the Super Bowl. What she managed to accomplish was ruin Oklahoma's season.

If you didn't see it, Katy announced to the world that she wanted Oklahoma quarterback Trevor Knight to call her. She later took out a picture of him on a heart and kissed it. If you're Trevor Knight, how the hell do you concentrate on playing a game against "lowly" TCU? Katy freaking Perry wants to bang you. Granted, she's annoying as hell, but she's damn hot. Plus, her declaration of love is the best thing that has ever happened to Knight, who threw two picks and failed to complete half his passes. Now everyone outside of the football world knows who he is. That's huge because he now has so many possibilities outside of football - and that includes banging Katy Perry.

2. Speaking of College GameDay, I want to harp on something I mentioned a few weeks ago. The crew cut away to Todd McShay interviewing Urban Meyer before the Ohio State-Maryland game. McShay looked so pathetic holding a microphone to Meyer's face. It's almost like ESPN wanted to punish him for that horrible reporting regarding Johnny Manziel going to the Cowboys by having him be a sideline reporter for crappy early college football games. They're not even giving him the top-notch games. What the hell is ESPN doing?

If you couldn't tell, I have very little respect for sideline reporters. They're so irrelevant, and they ask the dumbest questions. If I had the TV on mute, I would've guessed McShay was asking Meyer, "Hey Urban, are you wearing boxers or briefs today lol?" or "If you and I go on a date, would you rather take a romantic walk on the beach or ride a Ferris wheel lmao?" Seriously, who cares? GTFO, sideline reporters.

3. There were so many upsets in college football this weekend. My favorite one was Oregon-Arizona, and not just because it was the first. It's because I found this amusing picture on Twitter immediately afterward:




Random College Football Notes, Week 5:

1. As a Penn State alumnus, Saturday's loss to Northwestern was embarrassing. It was horrible to watch, as the offense just hasn't done anything without Bill O'Brien. It was especially aggravating considering how inept the TV announcers were. The game was on the Big Ten Network, so the quality wasn't as good. The play-by-play guy and the color analyst didn't seem interested in listening to each other, as they constantly repeated what each other was saying.

For example, the play-by-play guy shouted at one point, "That's the longest run of the day for PSU!" Seconds later, the color analyst responded, "That's the longest run of the day, partner." Really? Thanks for paying attention.

2. Staying on the topic of TV broadcasters, Tim Tebow has had a mixed performance thus far with the SEC Network. He's had some interesting things to say, but there have been a couple of times where he's looked at the wrong camera. His throwing motion is also taking way too long, so it's a surprise the SEC Network hasn't cut him yet.

I'm bringing up Tebow in the wake of the Kyle Orton news. How puzzling is that Tebow can't get a job, yet Orton is starting for an NFL team? Tebow took over for Orton in Denver during the 2011 season and was a billion times better. You'd think that if the Bills had any clue, they'd reach out to Tebow. Stupid homoclites.

3. Speaking of stupid homoclites, look at this idiot taking a selfie following a Duke Johnson touchdown in a recent Miami game:



I wrote a recent Jerks of the Week entry on how much I hate selfies, and this guy epitomizes the complete narcissism, self-absorption and utter idiocy when it comes to people taking pictures of themselves. I don't know this loser, but I hate him. I hope he broke his phone so that he never got to post his stupid selfie on Facebook.


Random College Football Notes, Week 4:

1. It's crazy that Florida State risked its entire season because of Jameis Winston's "vulgar" remark. It's crazier when you find out what he really said. No major-media company actually revealed it, but I did some research and discovered that he was yelling the following at the student union:

"F*** her right in the p***y!"

Vulgar, right? No really - because it's an old meme. Here it is, though you may want to put on headphones if you're at work or school:



So, Winston got suspended... for a meme? Huh? I agree that Winston is a douche based on what he's done in the past, but this did not warrant any sort of discipline. If the people making the decisions at Florida State weren't 80-year-old geriatric a**holes, they would've found this funny, given Winston a minor warning and then put him on the field. If I happened to be a Florida State student, I'd be super pissed about this - until I remembered that I was surrounded by thousands of super-hot chicks, and then I would've felt better about life in general.

2. Regarding Florida State-Clemson, I highly enjoyed Mark May's criticism of Clemson's overtime coaching decision during the highlights. "They should have gone for the field goal in overtime!" he declared.

Really, Mark? So, it would've been better that they lost by three instead of six? I don't understand. The Seminoles scored a touchdown, so a field goal wouldn't have done Clemson any good. If May weren't so focused on being such a douche on TV, he probably would've seen the flaw in his terrible logic.

3. Speaking of ESPN people, Desmond Howard picked Clemson, while Lee Corso and the hot blonde chick guest on College Gameday went with Florida State. Kirk Herbstreit abstained because he was covering the game.

I think that's so incredibly dumb. Why can't Herbstreit pick games he announces? Does anyone think he'll be biased because of some stupid pick he made on a pre-game show? It's not like he's betting on either side, and even if he did, no one would know about it. This is just more ESPN stupidity.


Random College Football Notes, Week 3:

1. I need something explained to me: Why was College Gameday at North Dakota this past Saturday? I understand that North Dakota is a great 1-AA team, but it has no relevance to what people actually care about. If North Dakota wanted to actually challenge itself and join 1-A football, fine. College Gameday can visit Fargo all it wants. But why go there when North Dakota is battling some school named Incarnate Word? What the hell is Incarnate Word, anyway? Sounds as real as Eric Matthews' Boris College.

The worst part was when everyone picked the games and saved the North Dakota selection for last. It was revealed at the bottom of the screen that North Dakota was a 52.5-point favorite. Wow. If College Gameday is going to waste its time in Fargo, couldn't it visit when the result might actually be in doubt?

"I think they will roll them," Desmond Howard boldly predicted to the delight of the crowd. Wow, way to go out on a limb, Desmond. For dramatic effect, the announcers should've had to pick that game against the spread. North Dakota did cover, by the way, winning 58-0. Next up: Boris College. North Dakota is laying 63.5.

2. A couple of old play-by-play announcers had major issues this past Saturday. Mike Patrick, who was calling the Texas Tech-Arkansas game, referred to Arkansas as "Wisconsin" on numerous occasions. Patrick used to be a great broadcaster, but now that he's in his 70s, he's completely lost it. ESPN may have to demote him to ESPN43, where he can call next week's North Dakota-Boris College tilt.

Meanwhile, Tom Hammond mistook John Shoop for Brian VandGorder during the Notre Dame-Purdue blowout. It wasn't as egregious as the Patrick errors, but it was still a reminder that Hammond spends much of his time cleaning houses and cooking dinners:



3. Transitioning from play-by-play callers to sideline reporters, I was shocked to see Todd McShay reporting from the field during the Iowa-Iowa State game.

This is a prime example of why ESPN is so stupid. McShay is supposed to be one of ESPN's top two NFL Draft analysts, so why are they sticking him with sideline duty? Do they really need him to ask Iowa's quarterback what his zodiac sign is? McShay should be locked inside a room and working on mock drafts. You know... doing what he's most known for. ESPN can just hire some Barbie look-alike to ask Iowa State's running back if he wears boxers or briefs.


Random College Football Notes, Week 2:

1. The most prominent early game this past Saturday was that Nebraska-McNeese State near-upset. It looked like the team with the little horsie on their helmets was going to pull the upset, but some Husker running back named Ameer Abdullah Obolngata scored a touchdown with a minute left. The Nebraska fans cheered, but all I could think was: "Why?"

Why would Nebraska fans cheer a go-ahead touchdown against McNeese State? Sure, their team won, but wouldn't it be better if they had lost? That may not seem very logical, but a defeat could prompt Nebraska to fire its terrible head coach. And once that happens, maybe Nebraska wouldn't come close to losing to some team with a stupid horsie on its helmet.

Also, on McNeese State's ensuing possession, the color analyst said something like, "We're in Hail Mary territory now!" Except McNeese State was at its own 24-yard line. I don't know what this guy was thinking. Did he assume that McNeese State injects stroids into its quarterback's arm? Or perhaps he has some insight into some genetic experiments McNeese State is conducting. He could know that the McNeese State quarterback has a bionic arm. What the hell is McNeese State anyway? Who knows what type of shady stuff goes on at that school.

2. Speaking of McNeese State, why is Nebraska playing them anyway? Why is Alabama taking on Florida Atlantic? It seems kind of silly, doesn't it? The 49ers and Seahawks don't schedule the Edmonton Eskimos. I just don't see a point to these games. Think about it: If they beat those teams easily, it's just a meaningless victory on the schedule, and the committee will ask, "Why didn't you play a tougher team?" If they nearly lose or actually suffer a defeat, the coaching staff could be fired. It just seems like it's a no-win situation.

3. I was annoyed watching the USC-Stanford game. It was a tight battle that came down to the end. I'm sure many others had fun tuning into it, but it was an aggravating experience for me. That's because the ABC Philadelphia station constantly made annoying beeping noises to alert the audience that there was a thunderstorm warning.

I get that there should be some sort of alert if there's a severe storm, but this thing was completely egregious. The beeps were extremely loud, and the graphic occupied a third of the screen. I couldn't even see the score or how much time was remaining. Here's what it looked like:



See? How ridiculous is that? The kicker is that there wasn't even a thunderstorm! It rained for like 20 minutes, and that was it. Thanks for ruining the game for me, ABC!


Random College Football Notes, Week 1:

1. I thought it was ridiculous that the Penn State-Central Florida game was scheduled for 8:30 a.m. East Coast time. Who the hell woke up for that? I'm a Penn State alumnus, and I didn't catch the first three quarters of the game because it was too damn early. I know that this game took place in Ireland, but I feel like the Irish need to cater to us; not the other way around. Besides, it's not like the people in Ireland have anything better to do. What do Irish people do when they're not drinking, anyway? Go to dog shows? Water plants? I don't even know. What I do know is that we, Americans, are more important than anyone else. The next Ireland game needs to begin at noon - because I'm an American, and I said so.

2. I'm somewhat glad I missed three-quarters of the Penn State game because the color analyst Ed Cunningham was being extremely annoying. Every other sentence out of his mouth was "We need to review this play" or "We need to review that." Ugh. I hate these automatic reviews. Giving each coach two challenges is the way to go. If a coach really wants a play looked at, have him throw the red flag. I know coaches hate having red flags because they don't want to be exposed as incompetent buffoons, but challenging every single play - i.e. Cunningham's wet dream - is horrible because it slows down the game so much.

3. Matt Millen was the color analyst of the Virginia-UCLA game. If you were fortunate enough to either skip that game or have the TV on mute, Millen spent all three hours talking about Virginia defensive coordinator John Tenuta. Millen, of course, made gay references about him, saying that Tenuta was being "very aggressive" and that Tenuta "stiffened" when his defense made a big stop. I'm sure Millen "stiffened" when making sweet kilebasa love to Tenuta the night before in his seedy hotel room.


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