2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 2
Week 1 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Dallas Cowboys (1-0) – Previously: #2 – If your fantasy league gives out points for players getting laid with famous, hot blondes, you’re in luck if you started Tony Romo. With his chin scratched up, Romo undoubtedly got action from Jessica Simpson, who definitely felt sorry for him.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0) – Previously: #5 – With the Jaguars, Chargers and Colts losing, and the Patriots being without Tom Brady for the rest of the year, everyone the analysts are confused. All the shows are asking, “Who’s the best team in the AFC?” Keyshawn Johnson, more disoriented than he normally is, said he’d need another week to tell us who the top team in the AFC is. We’ll all be tuned in, Key…
3. New York Giants (1-0) – Previously: #4 – …But what I’m trying to say here is that the Steelers are the best team in the AFC. My concern with them entering this season was their offensive line. Well, Marvel Smith and Chris Kemoeatu looked pretty good to me against the Texans. I know it was the Texans, but still.
4. Indianapolis Colts (0-1) – Previously: #1 – The Peyton Manning Pep Talk of the Week has been cancelled because Manning wasn’t sure he could get through it because of his knee. Seriously, did anyone see Manning’s face before the game aired? He looked like he was a little kid being forced to go to the dentist. At that point, I regretted laying four units on the Colts. That said, I can’t see Manning struggling all year. He’ll be fine, and with no dominant team in the AFC outside of Pittsburgh, Indianapolis will once again make the Doggone Playoff.
5. New Orleans Saints (1-0) – Previously: #6 – I lost with the Buccaneers +3 last weekend, but I feel as though I got the pick right. I thought the contest would be close. It shouldn’t be my fault that Vegas screwed up and lost tons of money because the Saints covered a small spread. A line of six would have been more appropriate. Same goes for the Giants game, though I got that one right.
6. Green Bay Packers (1-0) – Previously: #3 – Tony Kornheiser joins me here as a guest. Tony, thanks for doing this. What did you think of the Packers-Vikings game? “Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. vAaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre.” . Umm… no… I didn’t ask you to repeatedly mention the names of the last two quarterbacks to start for the Packers. Anyway, do you think the Packers are the best team in the NFC? “Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre. Aaron Rodgers. Brett Favre.” . Dude, seriously, do you have anything interesting to say? “Aaron Rodgers? Brett Favre?” OK, get the hell out of here!
7. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) – Previously: #7 – I live in Philadelphia, so I have random people asking me if I think the Eagles are going to the Super Bowl in the wake of beating the Rams, 38-3. It’s getting ridiculous. How was that win any different than the team’s 56-21 victory over the Lions last year? In fact, that Lions squad was much better than this year’s St. Louis team. No one learned anything from that Eagles win on Sunday, other than the fact that DeSean Jackson is a beast.
8. Denver Broncos (1-0) – Previously: #12 – Quote of the Night: In response to Mike & Mike & Mike discussing Jay Cutler’s type-1 diabetes, forum member BroncosCon said, “Golic is a type-1 idiot.”
9. Buffalo Bills (1-0) – Previously: #11 – There’s a huge dropoff after the top eight teams, but the Bills may have something to say about that. I thought they’d beat the Seahawks, but their defense and special teams are really amazing. Matt Hasselbeck actually began the game 1-of-8 for 12 yards.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) – Previously: #9 – I had trouble deciding between the Jaguars and Vikings for this last spot in the top 10, but ultimately, it came down to Minnesota having no shot at the Super Bowl. They can get to the playoffs, but Tarvaris Jackson limits their ceiling. If you disagree, you didn’t watch him against the Packers. Hopefully the “I Love Tavariouse Jackson” e-mails will stop. Seriously, I’ve received so much mail from people who defend Jackson, but can’t even spell his name.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-1) – Previously: #28 – Can someone please fire Scott Linehan right now? The Rams looked even worse than they did last year – and they had the second pick in the 2008 NFL Draft! Can we begin the 2009 NFL Draft right now and just give the Rams the top choice? Not that it matters; management won’t know whom to choose, and they’ll have to play mini-golf to determine their selection. Michael Oher if we get a hole-in-one on 18! Michael Crabtree otherwise!
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1) – Previously: #21 – The Bengals have more talent than most of the other teams in here, but it really looks like they’ve already mailed it in. Seriously, thanks for not showing up against the Ravens. Then again, maybe I should have expected a performance like that from a team whose superstar cares more about what the name on the back of his jersey says than winning.
30. Oakland Raiders (0-1) – Previously: #24 – So, the Raiders didn’t complete a pass in the first quarter, DeAngelo Hall committed 30 yards in penalties on one drive, a rookie receiver killed their secondary and they suffered a 41-14 loss to arch rival Denver. But Al Davis isn’t worried. Why not? Three reasons: 1) He already forgot about the loss and thinks the year’s 1975. 2) The refs cheated his team once again! 3) The Raiders clearly lost because his beloved Javon Walker missed the game with a hamstring injury!
29. San Francisco 49ers (0-1) – Previously: #30 – I don’t think Mike Martz is ever going to be out of this league. Even though he’s a complete idiot, his offense puts up great statistical numbers that will always have dumb owners intrigued. The 49ers turned it over five times against the Cardinals, and Frank Gore received just 14 carries, but that doesn’t matter because Martz helped Jon Kitna throw for 4,000 yards, and will undoubtedly do the same for J.T. O’Sullivan.
28. Washington Redskins (0-1) – Previously: #23 – Oddities on what Jim Zorn said to explain why he didn’t install the no-huddle offense for the Giants game. 2:1 – “Sorry, I got caught in a tanning bed for a few months, so my football-illiterate twin brother coached the team.” 10:1 – “Dude, I gettin some rays and catching some waves bra!” EVEN: “No-huddle offense? What does mean!?” 4:1 – “Are you like kidding me, I was like tanning all summer like whoa but like my friend said I was like fake-baking so I like stopped, you know?”
27. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) – Previously: #21 – Brodie Croyle? Damon Huard? Tyler Thigpen? Does it really matter? The Chiefs should seriously not even go with a quarterback. Just have Larry Johnson and Jamaal Charles in the backfield. Herm Edwards would love this because he already coaches as if the forward pass were never invented.
26. Detroit Lions (0-1) – Previously: #25 – I never polled about 1,000 people in Detroit, asking what the Lions can do to improve. Here aren’t the results: 33.3% – Sneak into Bill Polian’s office, steal his scouting papers, break into Matt Millen’s office and replace his papers with Polian’s. 33.3% – Petition the NFL to disband the Lions. No team is better than a perennially embarrassing team! 33.3% – Get a Jedi to slay William Clay Ford, a.k.a. Darth Sidious. 0.1% – Draft a receiver with a great 40! (I wonder who that last person was…)
25. Miami Dolphins (0-1) – Previously: #26 – The Dolphins lost to the Jets, but that’s OK because, as Chris Berman put it, “They look professional.” Too bad looking professional isn’t the first of three steps to winning a Super Bowl. Remember the Underpants Gnomes in South Park? Well, sorry Bill Parcells, but it doesn’t go: “Step 1. Look professional. Step 2. Step 3. Win Super Bowl.”
24. Atlanta Falcons (1-0) – Previously: #29 – Leave it to the Lions to allow a Falcons running back to break the franchise single-game rushing record in his first contest with his new team. Detroit plays a team with a better offensive line than Atlanta’s next week, so it’s conceivable that Ryan Grant could gain 2,700 rushing yards against them.
23. Baltimore Ravens (1-0) – Previously: #27 – Puppy Puncher’s probably going to hunt me down and club me over the head with a baseball bat for saying this, but I don’t think the Ravens’ victory over the Bengals was that meaningful. Think about it this way: Say this guy wanted to fight you at a bar. So, you go outside, but you discover he’s so drunk and high on LSD that he’s taking swings at his shadow and throwing up in between punches. Then, he tells you he has a torn shoulder, and asks you not to hurt him. And for the coup de grace, he’s not even sure what his own name is. That guy personifies the Bengals. That team is so dysfunctional right now, I’m convinced a handful of NCAA teams could beat them right now.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Minnesota Vikings (0-1). Previously: #11
12. San Diego Chargers (0-1). Previously: #13
13. Seattle Seahawks (0-1). Previously: #15
14. New York Jets (1-0). Previously: #16
15. Arizona Cardinals (1-0). Previously: #17
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-0). Previously: #19
17. Tennessee Titans (1-0). Previously: #20
18. Carolina Panthers (1-0). Previously: #22
19. New England Patriots (1-0). Previously: #8
20. Houston Texans (0-1). Previously: #14
21. Cleveland Browns (0-1). Previously: #18
22. Chicago Bears (1-0). Previously: #31

1. Titans (2.2)
2. Ravens (2.5)
3. Jets (2.9)
4. Eagles (2.9)
5. 49ers (3.3)
6. Falcons (3.3)
7. Giants (3.5)
8. Bears (3.5)
9. Bengals (3.7)
10. Seahawks (3.8)
11. Patriots (3.8)
12. Steelers (3.9)
13. Rams (3.9)
14. Dolphins (3.9)
15. Panthers (4.1)
16. Bills (4.1)
17. Buccaneers (4.3)
18. Jaguars (4.4)
19. Colts (4.6)
20. Raiders (4.6)
21. Texans (4.7)
22. Browns (4.8)
23. Chargers (4.9)
24. Chiefs (4.9)
25. Packers (5.1)
26. Broncos (5.3)
27. Vikings (5.5)
28. Cowboys (5.6)
29. Cardinals (5.8)
30. Saints (7.6)
31. Redskins (7.8)
32. Lions (8.7)

1. Ravens (4.0)
2. Bengals (4.5)
3. Bills (4.6)
4. Cowboys (4.8)
5. Giants (4.9)
6. Packers (5.1)
7. Bears (5.2)
8. Saints (5.4)
9. Jets (5.8)
10. Chargers (6.0)
11. Steelers (6.1)
12. Eagles (6.1)
13. Titans (6.1)
14. Redskins (6.2)
15. 49ers (6.6)
16. Patriots (6.7)
17. Broncos (6.9)
18. Colts (7.1)
19. Seahawks (7.2)
20. Jaguars (7.3)
21. Chiefs (7.8)
22. Falcons (7.9)
23. Vikings (8.1)
24. Panthers (8.6)
25. Dolphins (8.8)
26. Cardinals (9.8)
27. Texans (9.8)
28. Browns (10.0)
29. Buccaneers (10.7)
30. Rams (10.9)
31. Lions (12.4)
32. Raiders (12.5)