2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 11
Week 10 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New York Giants (8-1) – Previously: #1 – Tom Coughlin is a genius, unlike the large man who stood across from him on Sunday night. Coughlin challenged an Eli Manning pass that was beyond the line of scrimmage, which had everyone chuckling because the ruling looked so obvious. However, Coughlin, who knows every caveat of the rule book, recognized that Manning’s right heel was not beyond the line of scrimmage. By rule, the play was overturned, and the Giants scored a touchdown a few plays later.
   
   
2. Tennessee Titans (9-0) – Previously: #2 – A nice, tough win by the Titans. The only thing I don’t get is the significance of the tape that Jevon Kearse put on the middle of his jersey. The tape separated the 90, as almost to signify something. Hmmm… nine and oh… I give up! I don’t get it!
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3) – Previously: #3 – I’m getting tired of people clamoring that the Colts are back because they were able to win in Pittsburgh. No. If Ben Roethlisberger doesn’t throw two careless, unforced interceptions at the end of each half, Indianapolis doesn’t win that game. This is yet another case (Tarvaris Jackson playing, Sage Rosenchoker choking, the Patriots committing a stupid personal foul) of the Colts getting lucky enough to keep their season alive.
   
   
4. Washington Redskins (6-3) – Previously: #4 – If you haven’t heard, DeAngelo Hall had a cookout prior to the Atlanta game for his former Falcon teammates, yet no one showed up. Hall then waited outside their locker room to fight Harry Douglas, who wasn’t even on the team last year. Hall is like that smelly kid no one wants to play with. I guess that would make Daniel Snyder the rich parent who forces his kids to play with a loser like Hall. This can’t possibly work out well.
   
   
5. Carolina Panthers (7-2) – Previously: #5 – Jake Delhomme has been so great all year, especially coming off Tommy John surgery, that he was due for a terrible game where he showed up and played drunk. It’s easy to blame alcohol, however, so I’d like to propose the idea that Al Davis turned himself into a vampire bat, flew into Delhomme’s hotel room and sucked a couple of pints of blood out of his system. That would explain Delhomme’s four-interception performance.
   
   
6. Chicago Bears (5-4) – Previously: #6 – I can’t really drop the Bears for their loss to the Titans, especially because Rex Grossman was playing quarterback. If anything, I was impressed by Chicago’s ability to hold Chris Johnson and LenDale White to a combined two feet per carry!
   
   
7. Atlanta Falcons (6-3) – Previously: #12 – I really have no explanation for what Matt Ryan is doing. Rookie quarterbacks have played well before, but that was generally in the mold of the “Please, Just Don’t Screw Up, and We’ll Win With Defense” variety that Ben Roethlisberger fit under.
   
   Ryan? I don’t know. If he’s this good now, imagine how incredible he’ll be in two or three years. I wouldn’t be shocked by anything at this point, even if it’s revealed that Ryan is a genetically engineered cyborg.
   
   
8. Philadelphia Eagles (5-4) – Previously: #9 – Last week, I called Andy Reid the “King of Beating Crappy Teams.” This week, I’d like to call him the “Master of Wasting Challenges and Timeouts.” Reid challenged on back-to-back plays late in the fourth quarter and lost on both attempts. One was an acceptable challenge, but the other was completely ridiculous. Reid consequently didn’t have a pair of timeouts he desperately needed on a potential game-winning drive. Meanwhile, Tom Coughlin won an incredible challenge earlier, which I mentioned above.
   
   And what was up with Donovan McNabb? Despite running just four plays on the team’s final drive, McNabb was gassed and needed to take time off the clock before the two-minute warning. He seriously looked like a fat kid who miraculously survived a round of dodge ball. Why was he so tired? Dare I say the same reason he barfed all over the field in the Super Bowl?
   
   
9. Arizona Cardinals (6-3) – Previously: #10 – I don’t know about you, but I thought the Cardinal fans looked really sharp in those brand-new jerseys and baseball caps when they were cheering for their new favorite team. They also seemed to know when to cheer and when to boo. I was impressed.
   
   
10. Baltimore Ravens (6-3) – Previously: #13 – Puppy Puncher’s eyes must be bulging out of his head right now. PP, I apologize for any surgery you need in the wake of seeing Baltimore ranked in my top 10, but I’m not paying for any type of procedure. Sorry, man.
    
    

32. Detroit Lions (0-9) – Previously: #31 – I’m going to capitalize the following sentence to emphasize how I feel about Detroit’s quarterback situation. Ready? OK… YO, IDIOT LIONS! START DREW STANTON, YOU MORONS!!!!!!

If Detroit doesn’t think Stanton can be a solid NFL quarterback, why did it draft him? And if the Lions aren’t going with him because they don’t think he’s ready, they’re just complete buffoons. What does that mean, he’s not ready? Was Matt Ryan ready when he traveled to Tampa Bay in Week 2? Of course not. He took his lumps, and now he’s capable of leading Atlanta to the playoffs. Was Joe Flacco ready to play at Pittsburgh and Indianapolis? Definitely not, but like Ryan, Flacco gained some much-needed experience, and he’s performing extremely well right now.

31. Oakland Raiders (2-7) – Previously: #32 – Aww… look at that! The Raiders are trying! That’s sooo cute! How precious!

30. Cincinnati Bengals (1-8) – Previously: #29 – The Bengals were on a bye, so let’s use this space for my exclusive interview with Andy Reid!

Hey, Andy! Thanks for joining me. I really appreciate it. Sorry for your loss to the Giants on Sunday night.

“Uhh… injuries… uhh… Brian… ribs… Uhh… Reggie… uhh… hammy… uhh… Asante… thigh… Uhh… time’s yours.”

Time’s mine? OK, I guess that’s good because I didn’t ask you for your injury situation. So, what was the thinking behind challenging that obvious Brandon Jacobs non-fumble?

“Hem, hem. Uhh… that’s something I need to do a better job of. Uhh… I thought I saw a weakness in the officiating and uhh… I threw the challenge flag. Hem, hem.”

Weakness in the officiating? What does that mean?

“Uhh… Hem, hem… Uhh… Hem, hem…”

You don’t even know, do you?

“Uhh… I have to do a better job of answering your questions. Hem, hem. Uhh… that’s something I need to work on.”

You’re damn right you do.

“I’d like to uhh… challenge my previous answer… Uhh… I noticed a weakness in it… Hem, hem.”

Dude, you’re the most boring person ever. I’m going to have to apologize to all my readers for enduring this horrendous interview. Adios, Big Red.

29. St. Louis Rams (2-7) – Previously: #27 – Hooray for equal opportunity, and bravo to Roger Goodell for saving the Rams from their own ineptness! A few weeks ago, St. Louis wanted to make Jim Haslett its permanent head coach. Goodell, using the excuse that the Rams need to interview minority coaching candidates, denied the move.

In reality, Goodell probably told the owners, “Yo, morons! Haslett sucks! You’re going to give him a contract, and you’re going to continue to suck! I’m tired of you sucking! We already have the Raiders, Lions and Bengals! We don’t need another terrible team in this league!”

28. San Francisco 49ers (2-7) – Previously: #28 – I feel like an idiot changing my pick to the Cardinals -9.5 after a brutal Sunday, but I’m just happy that I read that game correctly. Impressive showing by Mike Singletary, who didn’t even have to moon anyone this time (except for Mike Martz for calling a run with Michael Robinson on the last play of the game).

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-7) – Previously: #26 – Let’s see… Seneca Wallace, who has zero arm strength, has backdoored me twice in the span of four weeks. Once at Tampa Bay for five units. Another time at Miami for another five units. I seriously hate this guy right now.

I don’t know if Wallace has a nickname, but I’d like to call him the Backdoor Bandit. With a name like that, Wallace should just quit football and go into porn.

26. Kansas City Chiefs (1-8) – Previously: #30 – Despite three consecutive losses, Chiefs fans have to be thrilled right now. For the first time since Trent Green in 2006, Kansas City has a legitimate starting quarterback.

In those three contests, two of which were against now 6-3 squads, Tyler Thigpen is 66-of-102, 710 yards, six touchdowns, no interceptions and no fumbles. That’s a completion percentage of 64.7 and a YPA of 7.0. Unbelievable. In Week 3, Thigpen was 14-of-36 for 128 yards, one touchdown, three picks and a fumble. Roger Goodell should launch an investigation to see if Thigpen has been frequenting McAllister’s Drug Emporium.

25. Houston Texans (3-6) – Previously: #23 – The Texans had no chance of beating the Ravens with Sage Rosenchoker at quarterback. What was I thinking by choosing Houston to cover? I must have been on coke when I made the pick.

Speaking of coke, Joey Porter criticized Roger Goodell for not suspending Matt “Coke Zero” Jones. If you haven’t read this yet, you’ll find it funny. Jones responded with a humorous comment:

“I don’t even know why he’s even thinking about me,” Jones said. “I mean, maybe he likes other men and sits up and thinks about stuff, so I don’t know.”

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-5) – Previously: #25 – Speaking of Coke Zero Jones, why hasn’t he been suspended yet? Time for oddities!

7:1 – Gooddell has Jones as his WR3 on his fantasy team, and can’t afford to suspend him because his other receivers are hurt.

5:1 – Goodell actually believes in rehabilitation over punishment. (Yeah, right).

3:1 – Goodell is busy building platinum and diamond statues of himself.

1:4 – Unlike Joey Porter, Goodell doesn’t like other men, and doesn’t sit up and think about them.

23. Cleveland Browns (3-6) – Previously: #24 – Kellen Winslow Jr. single-handedly ruined three second-half drives on his own, so Romeo Crennel decided to punish him by following Jack Del Rio’s footsteps. However, instead of taking away the right to play dominoes and listen to an iPod in the locker room, Crennel stole all of the snacks in Winslow’s locker. Crennel was surprised to see Winslow walking around the next day; unlike Crennel, Winslow doesn’t shrivel up into a comatose state without multiple snacks every day.


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Green Bay Packers (4-5). Previously: #7
12. Indianapolis Colts (5-4). Previously: #21
13. New England Patriots (6-3). Previously: #17
14. Dallas Cowboys (5-4). Previously: #14
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3). Previously: #15
16. New York Jets (6-3). Previously: #18
17. New Orleans Saints (4-5). Previously: #8
18. Minnesota Vikings (5-4). Previously: #19
19. Miami Dolphins (5-4). Previously: #20
20. Buffalo Bills (5-4) – Previously: #11
21. San Diego Chargers (4-5). Previously: #16
22. Denver Broncos (5-4). Previously: #22

1. Ravens (2.8)
2. Jets (3.0)
3. Steelers (3.1)
4. Vikings (3.3)
5. Bears (3.3)
6. Cardinals (3.6)
7. 49ers (3.6)
8. Giants (3.7)
9. Titans (3.7)
10. Bills (3.7)
11. Dolphins (3.8)
12. Buccaneers (3.8)
13. Eagles (4.0)
14. Seahawks (4.0)
15. Redskins (4.0)
16. Patriots (4.1)
17. Bengals (4.2)
18. Saints (4.2)
19. Colts (4.2)
20. Chargers (4.2)
21. Panthers (4.3)
22. Texans (4.3)
23. Jaguars (4.3)
24. Cowboys (4.4)
25. Raiders (4.4)
26. Falcons (4.6)
27. Packers (4.9)
28. Browns (4.9)
29. Lions (5.0)
30. Rams (5.2)
31. Broncos (5.3)
32. Chiefs (5.6)

1. Steelers (5.6)
2. Packers (5.8)
3. Titans (5.9)
4. Panthers (5.9)
5. Redskins (6.0)
6. Bears (6.3)
7. Buccaneers (6.3)
8. Eagles (6.5)
9. Colts (6.5)
10. Ravens (6.6)
11. Cowboys (6.6)
12. Giants (6.6)
13. Bengals (6.7)
14. Bills (6.9)
15. Chargers (6.9)
16. Falcons (7.0)
17. 49ers (7.2)
18. Vikings (7.2)
19. Jets (7.2)
20. Raiders (7.2)
21. Saints (7.4)
22. Cardinals (7.4)
23. Jaguars (7.5)
24. Dolphins (7.5)
25. Browns (7.6)
26. Seahawks (7.7)
27. Patriots (7.7)
28. Broncos (7.8)
29. Chiefs (7.8)
30. Texans (8.0)
31. Rams (8.6)
32. Lions (9.0)