2009 NFL Power Rankings: Week 13
Week 12 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New Orleans Saints (11-0) – Previously: #2 – The Saints are back to No. 1. The Colts barely beat the Patriots at home, while New Orleans just thrashed that same team. Even Indy fans can’t argue with this logic.
   
   Monday night notes:
   
   1. And now we know why Bill Belichick went for it on 4th-and-2 at the end of the Indianapolis game. His defense blows. The secondary looked terrible, and the front seven couldn’t pressure Drew Brees at all (1 sack).
   
   When Devery Henderson scored on a wide-open touchdown in the second quarter, forum member Sitisfit commented, “Henderson was more alone than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, after the volleyball swam away.”
   
   2. Drew Brees was unbelievable. He easily earned my top fantasy quarterback distinction by going 18-of-23 for 371 yards and five touchdowns. Brees had an utterly sick YPA of 16.1. That’s like four times what JaMarcus Russell usually gets.
   
   3. New Orleans’ defense is good. The unit struggled a bit without Sedrick Ellis the past month, but with the dominant defensive tackle back in the lineup, the Saints were able to put just enough pressure on Brady to rattle him a bit. It’s tough to hold New England to just 17 points.
   
   4. With the loss, the Patriots now are 0-4 on the road (they won in London, but that was a neutral-site game). Stuart Scott, Steve Young, Matt Millen and Tedy Bruschi made a big deal about it after the contest, but I don’t think it’s a major problem. Every team New England battled away from Gillette was undefeated going into the game. And it’s not like Tom Brady can’t win on the road.
   
   5. The ESPN clowns (aside from Bruschi) also bashed Belichick for pulling Brady, Randy Moss and the rest of the starters down 21 with 5:38 remaining in regulation. While I was surprised by the move, I’m not going to berate Belichick for it because I thought it was a good decision.
   
   Why run the risk of suffering a major injury in a meaningless game you’re probably going to lose? The Patriots are in firm control of their division. Going down to the Saints doesn’t mean much in the long run compared to a Brady, Moss or Wes Welker injury.
   
   There’s nothing wrong with saying, “You got us this time. We’ll regroup and get you in a potential Super Bowl rematch later.”
   
   6. Congratulations to John Carney, who won his Under 57 bet when he missed a 37-yard field goal in the middle of the fourth quarter. If there’s one concern with the Saints, it’s Carney. He looked awful in this game.
   
   
2. Indianapolis Colts (11-0) – Previously: #1 – The Colts are also 11-0. The money they used to hire those SEC officials to hand them a win over Houston apparently came in handy.
   
   
3. Minnesota Vikings (10-1) – Previously: #3 – This is weird: The Vikings haven’t played on the road since Nov. 1. They had a bye and then three consecutive easy home games. It’ll be interesting to see how that affects them. Of course it may not matter if Kurt Warner is out again.
   
   
4. San Diego Chargers (8-3) – Previously: #7 – In a span of three weeks, the Chargers have gotten Chris Simms, Matt Cassel and now Brady Quinn. How is that remotely fair?
   
   By the way, Charger fans, remember that playoff game where you hosted the Colts and Peyton Manning threw six interceptions? No? Well, Steve Urkel Cris Carter said the following on Sunday NFL Countdown:
   
   “We remember the playoff game in San Diego, where [Peyton Manning] threw six interceptions.”
   
   Who is this “we?” No one remembers such a playoff game because you just made it up. Manning tossed six picks in a regular-season contest in 2007, but it didn’t happen in the playoffs.
   
   As if Urkel wasn’t annoying enough, now we have to listen to his incorrect facts. At least Emmitt was amusing to listen to. Urkel is awful on all levels.
   
   
5. New England Patriots (7-4) – Previously: #4 – I already went over the Saints-Pats game, so it’s time for Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them (thanks to e-mailer Bert R. for sending the following quotes that he found in the Cowboys-Raiders page before the game):
   
   1. “Y DOES CALIFORNIA ALWAYS THINK WERE A GROUP OF REDNECKS…….ATLEAST WERE NOT GA_Y!”
   
   I think you just answered your own question.
   
   2. “WHITTEN IS OUT FOR THIS GAME…”
   
   Not only did this guy misspell Jason Witten’s last name, he also got his facts wrong. Epic fail.
   
   3. “hot and cold tony #omo means nuttin.if his sweetheart and bottom whittens don’t play it’ll be easy for the raiders as romo will be all upset and s%it”
   
   Scientists have analyzed this sentence and they still can’t make any sense of it.
   
   
6. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3) – Previously: #5 – The Bengals have swept their division. Five of the last six teams to sweep their division have gone to the Super Bowl. If Cincy doesn’t make it there, it’ll be five of the last seven teams. Just doing the math for you if you couldn’t figure out.
   
   
7. Arizona Cardinals (7-4) – Previously: #6 – Poor Matt Leinart. He just can’t beat Vince Young. Not even a long, hot bath with Nick Lachey eased his sorrows.
   
   
8. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5) – Previously: #8 – I really don’t get the whole Ben Roethlisberger controversy. Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes seemed pissed off at Big Ben that he didn’t play with a concussion. Hey guys, the doctors wouldn’t let him play. Mike Tomlin said he wouldn’t use him. Thanks for paying attention to the situation.
   
   Speaking of Tomlin, he looked pretty scary when he said, “We’re going to unleash hell in December” after the loss to Baltimore. Somewhere in Oakland, Bruce Gradkowski pooped his pants.
   
   
9. Baltimore Ravens (6-5) – Previously: #9 – Some notes from the Sunday night game:
   
   1. Joe Flacco threw his first touchdown pass since Week 8. He’s also not scrambling, and he was sacked five times against the Steelers. Baltimore Sun Ravens beat writer Mike Preston blames Flacco’s injured ankle for his struggles. Obviously, the Ravens will need Flacco to get better if they want to make the playoffs.
   
   2. Flacco’s touchdown went to Derrick Mason. I was shocked to learn that this was Mason’s first touchdown ever against the Steelers. Mason plays Pittsburgh twice a year, so it’s really amazing that he hadn’t scored against them before this contest.
   
   3. I was disappointed that Steelers offensive coordinator Bruce Arians didn’t run the ball more with Dennis Dixon. Dixon scored on a 24-yard rushing touchdown in the fourth quarter, but he scrambled just two other times. Dixon’s ability to get first downs with his feet is the one thing he can do that Ben Roethlisberger can’t. I don’t know why Arians didn’t take advantage of this.
   
   
10. Dallas Cowboys (8-3) – Previously: #10 – I was watching the Cowboys-Raiders game with my cousin, and he brought up a good point.
    
    When they showed the police officers escorting Phil Simms’ stupid Iron Award, my cousin went berserk, “Those idiots are wasting tax money to deliver some stupid iron!? Those people should be thrown in jail!”
    
    It’s true. If you live in Dallas, know that some of the money you’re earning is going to Simms’ stupid cronies. Hope that makes your 40-hour week better!
    
    

32. Cleveland Browns (1-10) – Previously: #32 – With Charlie Weis fired, there’s some speculation that he could join his former co-worker in Cleveland. I wouldn’t bet on it; Weis may have screwed up at Notre Dame, but he still must have enough pride not to work for the Mangina.

And speaking of Weis, let’s do a profile of him:

Coach Profile: Charlie Weis

Positives:
– Has a lot of experience on both levels of football
– Can make great quarterbacks look good (tough, I know)
– Won’t demand a ton of money because he stole a lot of cash from Notre Dame
– Don’t worry about firing him; he’ll tell you and the rest of the world when he sucks

Negatives:
– Hasn’t worked with a bad quarterback in a long time; let’s see how he does with Marc Bulger or a girly armed Matt Cassel
– Despite popular belief, refuses to eat opposing players; otherwise, Notre Dame would have went undefeated
– Tends to screw up late in games because he’s thinking about his post-game feast
– Tends to screw up early in games because he’s still thinking about his pre-game feast

31. Detroit Lions (2-9) – Previously: #31 – Detroit has lost its previous Thanksgiving games by the scores of: 37-26, 27-10, 27-7, 41-9, 41-10 and 34-12. Well, the games suck, but at least we can win money betting against the Lions every year.

In other news, Tiger Woods was debacled by a fire hydrant, a tree and a hot Swedish nanny. Here’s my exclusive interview with Tiger:

ME: Hey Tiger, thanks for joining me.

WOODS: “Howdy, mister.”

ME: Let’s get right to it. There’s some speculation that your car accident was really a domestic dispute. Some suggest that you’ve been sleeping with another woman. What do you have to say about that?

WOODS: “Why would I sleep with another woman? That’s icky. I have been seeing another woman besides my wife though.”

ME: A-ha! You admit it!

WOODS: “Yes, the night club hostess from New York. We play Scrabble together all the time. That’s where I was going Thursday night. She was in town and asked me to come over and play Scrabble.”

ME: Scrabble? What?

WOODS: “My wife doesn’t play Scrabble. She sucks. Some tell me I’m lucky to be married to a hot Sweedish nanny, but what’s the point if she can’t play Scrabble? She doesn’t even know any English words, so I can’t teach her how to play.”

ME: Sounds like you lead a tough life.

WOODS: “Yes, my wife obviously sabotaged the breaks in my car. She wanted me to get injured so that I couldn’t play golf anymore. If my golf career ended, no hot women would want to play Scrabble with me anymore.”

ME: That would be terrible.

WOODS: “See! This is why I am doing an interview with you. You understand me. Stupid police don’t understand me. That’s why I’m not talking to them. Hmph!”

ME: Perhaps you should offer them a deal. If they talk to you, they have to play Scrabble with you.

WOODS: “Golly, what a great idea. I’ll call them up right now.”

ME: Go get em, Tiger.

30. St. Louis Rams (1-10) – Previously: #30 – Why is Steven Jackson still playing? Seriously. If I were Steve Spagnuolo, I’d shut down Jackson for the rest of the season to keep him fresh for next year. What if he suffers a major injury down the stretch? The Rams will have more talent next season, but if Jackson has to come off some sort of knee injury, they won’t have any hope of making the playoffs. I know they don’t have much hope anyway, but at least a glimmer is there.

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10) – Previously: #29 – Good effort by the Buccaneers, so I won’t make fun of them. I will berate their next opponent, however.

I’ve speculated before that Jake Delhomme is throwing these games because his son’s kidnappers want to win their bets against the Panthers. The real question is why John Fox has stuck with Delhomme for so long.

I think Fox is behind the whole operation. Think about it – he probably knew Delhomme’s home security codes and everything. That’s how he kidnapped Delhomme’s son. That’s why Delhomme has remained the starter all this time. That’s why Delhomme received such a long extension.

Check out this quote from Fox when he was asked why he didn’t bench Delhomme:

“We felt like Jake was the best guy to be in there for what we were doing in this game, and that’s what we did.”

Way to make it obvious, jerk. I see right through your plan.

Fox obviously plans on betting against the Panthers for the next 3-5 years. He’s a monster and must be stopped.

28. Oakland Raiders (3-8) – Previously: #28 – A permanent switch at quarterback has been made! Tom Cable successfully went from one of the dumbest people in America to a guy who allegedly was guilty of point-shaving while playing at Toledo.

Thank you for giving us something to laugh at, Al Davis!

Speaking of Russell, you’ll love this if you haven’t seen it already. While on the sidelines during the Bengals-Raiders game, JaMarcus Russell ate some Skittles to celebrate the win.

Once again, thank you Mr. Davis!

27. Kansas City Chiefs (3-8) – Previously: #26 – The Chargers just beat the Chiefs by more than 11 points at home for the first time since 1994. All it took was a general manager who paid a girly armed quarterback $63 million and hired a head coach who hates giving the ball to his best players. I’m really amazed that Kansas City won three games this year.

26. Washington Redskins (3-8) – Previously: #25 – Hey, Daniel Snyder, how’s that $100 million you spent on your defensive tackle?

To cheer the Redskins fans up, more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “bengal fans honestly think there so hot. sweeping pittsburg only caus polumalo is out”

Bengal fans think “there” so hot because they can spell more than half of the words in their sentences correctly.

2. “ITS STILL ENGLISH IDIOT, LEARN TO READ. U PROBALLY THINK THE WORDS ARE COMING AT U.”

Help! Misspelled words are coming at me! Ahhhhh!!!!

3. “GOD DAMN BENADICT ARNOULDS”

God damn you, Benadict Arnould, whoever you are.

25. Buffalo Bills (4-7) – Previously: #27 – Looks like the Perry Fuel Oil Company has turned things around in Buffalo. Or maybe they were just playing an overrated Dolphins team. We’ll find out soon.

Something we already know is that Jerome Boger is one of the worst officials in the NFL. He definitely won a ton of money this Sunday on his Jets -3.5 pick, as he eliminated two Panther touchdowns with an incorrect incompletion ruling and a ticky-tack offensive pass interference.

What’s Boger going to do with all of this cash? Time for oddities!

15:1 – Boger will use the money on Lasik surgery so he can actually see what’s going on during the games.

6:1 – Boger wanted to buy a huge diamond ring for his partner. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3:1 – Boger spent too much money on his kids this Black Friday and didn’t have enough left to buy anything for himself.

1:2 – Boger needed some start-up money to open up his own dirty officials syndicate where he’ll hire other refs to fix games for him. Now all he needs to do is find a bottom b***h. Asked Boger, “Do you know what I am saying?”

24. Seattle Seahawks (4-7) – Previously: #24 – Seahawk fans: Your team is insignificant. In fact, your team might not even exist, and you certainly didn’t beat the Rams.

ESPN’s crappy watered-down NFL Primetime failed to cover the Seahawks-Rams game. Instead, Merril Hoge and Trey Wingo spoke incoherently for an hour.

You may point out that a Seattle-St. Louis matchup is irrelevant right now. That might be the case in the grand scheme of things, but there are many football fans out there who have Steven Jackson, Nate Burleson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, etc. on their fantasy teams. Also, for degenerate gamblers like myself, a highlight package is always a nice refresher the day after watching the game.

ESPN: Hating fantasy football players and degenerate gamblers since 2006. Bring back the old NFL Primetime with Chris Berman and Tom Jackson!!!

23. Chicago Bears (4-7) – Previously: #23 – A week ago when the Eagles battled the Bears, Donovan McNabb and Jay Cutler met after the game and talked for about five minutes. McNabb appeared as though he was whispering sweet nothings into Cutler’s ear.

Now we definitely know what McNabb was saying and what Cutler was thinking. Awesome Kelly from Arizona sent over this hilarious animated picture:




2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Green Bay Packers (7-4). Previously: #11
12. Tennessee Titans (5-6). Previously: #12
13. Denver Broncos (7-4). Previously: #18
14. Philadelphia Eagles (7-4). Previously: #14
15. New York Giants (6-5). Previously: #15
16. Houston Texans (5-6). Previously: #13
17. Atlanta Falcons (6-5). Previously: #17
18. Miami Dolphins (5-6). Previously: #16
19. San Francisco 49ers (5-6). Previously: #20
20. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5). Previously: #21
21. New York Jets (5-6). Previously: #22
22. Carolina Panthers (4-7). Previously: #19

1. Steelers (3.4)
2. Packers (3.6)
3. Ravens (3.6)
4. Eagles (3.8)
5. Bengals (3.8)
6. Vikings (3.8)
7. Dolphins (4.0)
8. Jets (4.0)
9. Broncos (4.1)
10. Giants (4.1)
11. Bears (4.2)
12. Falcons (4.2)
13. Cowboys (4.3)
14. Jaguars (4.3)
15. Colts (4.4)
16. Redskins (4.4)
17. Seahawks (4.4)
18. Chargers (4.5)
19. Panthers (4.5)
20. Chiefs (4.5)
21. Texans (4.6)
22. Rams (4.6)
23. 49ers (4.6)
24. Saints (4.6)
25. Patriots (4.6)
26. Browns (4.6)
27. Lions (4.6)
28. Titans (4.6)
29. Cardinals (4.7)
30. Raiders (4.8)
31. Bills (4.8)
32. Buccaneers (4.9)

1. Jets (5.4)
2. Saints (6.1)
3. Bills (6.2)
4. Colts (6.4)
5. Broncos (6.4)
6. Bengals (6.4)
7. Packers (6.5)
8. Redskins (6.6)
9. Steelers (6.6)
10. Eagles (6.7)
11. Texans (6.7)
12. Chargers (6.7)
13. Panthers (6.8)
14. Giants (6.8)
15. Cowboys (6.8)
16. Seahawks (6.9)
17. Ravens (7.1)
18. Cardinals (7.1)
19. Vikings (7.1)
20. Patriots (7.2)
21. Bears (7.2)
22. 49ers (7.3)
23. Jaguars (7.3)
24. Rams (7.6)
25. Buccaneers (7.8)
26. Dolphins (7.9)
27. Falcons (7.9)
28. Browns (7.9)
29. Raiders (8.1)
30. Titans (8.1)
31. Chiefs (8.2)
32. Lions (8.2)