2010 NFL Power Rankings: Week 5
Week 4 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Green Bay Packers (3-1) – Previously: #1 – I had the Packers winning the Super Bowl in my season previews, so it’s going to take more than a fluky loss to the Bears and an ensuing close game in a flat spot versus Detroit to change my opinion. I still think Green Bay is the best team in the NFL.
   
   If you don’t agree, you’re not alone. A person named Matt sent me the following e-mail last week:
   
   You spent 10 minutes making excuses for the Packers after they LOST! They are not number 1. Your column is trashy and your a stupid a**hole. Ill never read this garbage and want to sue google for bringing up your trash a** website. You are a loser
   
   Personally, I’d rather be a loser than an angry, incoherent person who doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” but that’s just me.
   
   
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1) – Previously: #2 – Great job by the Steelers going 3-1 in Ben Roethlisberger’s absence.
   
   Because I’ve used my “Steelers defense is as tough as a big quarterback who takes advantage of drunk women in a bathroom” joke too many times, let me discuss something else pertinent to the rest of these Week 5 NFL Power Rankings.
   
   I have the NFL’s final undefeated team, the Kansas City Chiefs, ranked No. 21. I received tons of e-mails about this last week. I’d say 30 percent of them supported my take on Kansas City, including Saul C:
   
   As much as I hate to say this, I agree with your assessment. The Chiefs are horrible. I hope they lose 13 straight in order to draft a real QB. But knowing Pioli they’ll draft some crappy defensive lineman. And also, why won’t Haley play Charles??? Why?????
   
   Charles is simply too talented for Haley’s offense, so he’s a bad fit. Anyway, here was my response to the 70 percent who disagreed with where I have Kansas City:
   
   The Chiefs aren’t good. I have them 20th (now 21st) in my power rankings because I believe there are 19 teams better than them. And No. 20 is where I had 3-0 Denver last year. The Chiefs have gotten very lucky and have won because of circumstance. Things will begin to unravel soon enough just like it did for Denver last year.
   
   
3. Houston Texans (3-1) – Previously: #4 – As I mentioned in my Week 4 NFL Recap, the commissioner of my fantasy football touchdown league threatened to shut down the league because his stud running back, Arian Foster, was on the bench during the first quarter of the Raiders game. Thankfully, Foster played the final three quarters.
   
   Unfortunately, I’m the one who’s mad now. Not that I had to go against Foster in one of my leagues; Gary Kubiak’s decision to reinsert Foster into the lineup ruined my “Kubiak benched Foster because he was going against him in three fantasy leagues” joke. Damn you, Gary.
   
   
4. New Orleans Saints (3-1) – Previously: #3 – There’s definitely a Super Bowl hangover here, but the good news is that the Saints are 3-1 and will be getting Reggie Bush back in a month or so.
   
   By the way, the NFL Red Zone’s Scott Hanson brought up this hilarious fact – New Orleans’ new/old kicker, John Carney, is one of the players in the original Tecmo Bowl. How awesome is that? No wonder Sean Payton signed him back.
   
   
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-1) – Previously: #6 – Glad to see Joe Flacco come into his own and finally have a good game against the Steelers.
   
   Speaking of the Ravens (Ray Rice in particular), I have to tell you about a trade offered by the Crappy Fantasy Trader guy I discussed in my Jerks of the Week about a month ago.
   
   Crappy Fantasy Trader offered Shonn Greene, Anquan Boldin and Mark Clayton to another person in our league for Ray Rice and Brandon Marshall. As my friend said, “Seems like a great trade for Brandon Marshall… until you realize that he also wants Ray Rice.”
   
   
6. Indianapolis Colts (2-2) – Previously: #5 – I love all of this “What’s wrong with the Colts?” chatter on ESPN. What’s wrong with the Colts is that they had two fluky turnovers in the red zone, and otherwise would have beaten Jacksonville. They’re fine.
   
   By the way, Dan Fouts, the color commentator during the Colts-Jaguars game, said this gem:
   
   “Austin Collie likes to watch tape of Brandon Stokley and San Antonio Holmes.”
   
   I like to write “San Antonio Holmes” instead of Santonio Holmes on this site because it amuses me, but Fouts totally said it by accident and never retracted his mistake. Too many career concussions, Dan?
   
   
7. Dallas Cowboys (1-2) – Previously: #7 – I have nothing interesting to say about the Cowboys because they were on a bye. Instead, feel free to read about the fictional Cowboys in 2015; an undefeated Wade Phillips finds a secret weapon capable of defeating every team in the NFL.
   
   
8. New York Jets (3-1) – Previously: #10 – Last week I wrote the following, “The reason I have an incredible disdain for Spanish Heritage Month is because I feel if Spanish people get a heritage month, then every other race should as well. Why can’t the NFL promote an Italian Heritage Month? What about a Polish Heritage Month? And who could forget Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month?”
   
   E-mailer Chris C. offered his take regarding why Italian Heritage Month would not be such a good thing:
   
   I’m Italian. Mostly. The last thing I want is Italian Heritage Month. Do we really need to give Guidos more incentive to act like a**holes? We already gave them MTV. They have a whole channel that used to show music and now dedicates itself to chronicling the Guido in his natural habitat 24/7. Italian Heritage Month would be f***ing embarrassing.
   
   Fair point. I still think there should be a Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Transsexual Heritage Month. The half-Norwegian, half-Korean transsexuals have to feel pretty neglected right now.
   
   
9. New England Patriots (3-1) – Previously: #8 – Some notes on the Dolphins-Patriots game:
   
   1. If you didn’t see the game, it was much closer than the 41-14 score would indicate. In fact, New England only somewhat outplayed the Dolphins. The Patriots were able to score four touchdowns on a blocked field goal, a blocked punt, a kickoff return and a pick-six in desperation mode. In fact, New England became the first team in NFL history to score on a rush, pass, interception, kickoff and blocked kick in the same game.
   
   2. Of course, this doesn’t mean that the Dolphins don’t have major problems. They’ve had three kicks or punts blocked in the past two weeks. Their special teams coach, who looks like an obese version of Mr. Clean, needs to be fired. You can’t keep giving games away on special teams.
   
   3. Chad Henne’s such a bipolar quarterback. He looks so great at times, but tosses a major clunker once in a while. His first two interceptions were brutal, and ruined decent drives. He’s still a young quarterback so there’s some hope that he’ll improve in this department. But keep in mind that he’s been playing this way dating back to his days at Michigan.
   
   4. ESPN tried to build this up as some sort of matchup between Randy Moss and Brandon Marshall. Each was thrown to just once in the first half. Moss dropped his pass, while the ball intended for Marshall was picked off. Marshall finished with five catches for 50 yards, and took a backseat to impressive slot receiver Davone Bess (9-93, TD). Moss, meanwhile, didn’t log a single reception. In four weeks this year, Moss now has just nine catches. It’s still too early to call, but it seems like he just doesn’t have it anymore.
   
   5. Three defensive studs for the Patriots: Jerod Mayo had 16 tackles; Rob Ninkovich logged four tackles, a sack and two picks; and best of all, Patrick Chung recorded a pick-six and two blocked kicks.
   
   6. Bill Belichick was high-fiving his players, and smiling and laughing during the post-game press conference. I’ve never seen him this happy – not even when he won each of his Super Bowls.
   
   
10. Atlanta Falcons (3-1) – Previously: #9 – Roddy White is officially the best defensive offensive player to have on an interception return. Or is it offensive defense? Erm…
    
    I’ve just confused myself, so let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s new crappy GameCenter and my thoughts on them: 1. “Peytons Really Good. He Doent perform well when he has consistent presure. He must go down HARD! HARVEY ALUALU KNIGHTON KAMPMAN!!! GET THE MANNING!!!”
    
    Your spelling “doent” perform well either. The difference is that you have no pressure.
    
    2. “tampon bay-hahaha”
    
    He make a funny bwahahaha.
    
    3. “let go stelers even d ues suck”
    
    I wish this guy were speaking English so I could make fun of him.
    
    

32. Buffalo Bills (0-4) – Previously: #32 – The parents of Ryan Fitzpatrick, C.J. Spiller and Lee Evans are very upset right now. They were mad that the Jets ran up the score, and the officials didn’t call for the mercy rule. Spiller’s dad, in particular, was furious. He was seen arguing with the Buffalo coach for 15 minutes about his son not playing enough. If Chan Gailey isn’t careful, the Spiller family will move and have C.J. play for another team.

31. Carolina Panthers (0-4) – Previously: #31 – Steve Smith lashed out at Jimmy Clausen on Carolina’s opening drive because the Panthers wasted two timeouts early on. Two quarters later, Smith suffered an ankle sprain. He’ll be out for a couple of weeks.

Karma? Unlikely. I’m willing to bet that Clausen took his sensei’s advice and swept the leg. Don’t yell at your quarterback next time, Steve.

30. Arizona Cardinals (2-2) – Previously: #27 – If the cops make such a big deal about drunk driving, I feel they should crack down on drunk quarterbacking as well. You may argue that someone guilty of drunk quarterbacking (i.e. Derek Anderson) doesn’t endanger lives, but I would disagree. There’s no telling how many Cardinal fans committed suicide after watching a drunken Anderson ruin their 2010 season.

29. Detroit Lions (0-4) – Previously: #29 – I meant to post this last week, but forgot. This is an e-mail I received from Jordan R. prior to the Saints-49ers Monday night game:

Dude.. if you’re watching ESPN, watch when Matt Millen turns his head slightly and you’ll see a wonderfully sloppy bird’s nest. Either the makeup girls hate him as much as the Lions fans, or he thinks he’s being hip. Either way, it’s entertaining, and I hope you get to see it and have a chuckle.

I could see it now… one of the makeup chicks was laughing uncontrollably, “Muhahaha, take that you scum for drafting all of those receivers!” Like the Ohio University mascot with Brutus Buckeye, this makeup chick probably had the downfall of Millen’s hair all planned out for years with crazy diagrams all over her room.

28. Cleveland Browns (1-3) – Previously: #30 – I like this Browns team. They run the ball really well with Peyton Hillis, their offensive line is very good, and their front seven is solid. If only they had a quarterback.

Unfortunately, what happened in the Eagles-Redskins game really hurt them. QB Dog Killer suffered an injury, so Kevin Kolb will have the opportunity to start at San Francisco. If he lights up the 49ers’ weak secondary, his value will increase, making it more difficult for Cleveland to trade for him. And if Kolb stinks it up, the Browns may decide not to acquire him. Given Mike Holmgren’s foolish aversion for taking quarterbacks in the first round of the NFL Draft, Cleveland will once again settle for some overrated college football “winner” in the middle rounds.

27. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2) – Previously: #28 – In honor of Jacksonville winning its Super Bowl over the Colts, here’s an interview I conducted with Jack Del Rio:

ME: Hey Jack, thanks for joining me.

DEL RIO: “Wait a minute, there’s no birthday party for me here!”

ME: I know. That’s the only way I could lure you into doing an interview with me.

DEL RIO: “You dick!”

ME: This will only take five minutes, I swear.

DEL RIO: “You’re totally ruining my sun-tanning and surfing time right now, bro.”

ME: Sorry. Jack, can you explain what happened between the Eagles and Colts games? It looked like your team didn’t try in the Philly game, but saved all of its energy for Indy. Why did this happen?

DEL RIO: “Dude, there were some totally tubular waves going on last week. There were some good ones this week too, but I hate the Colts because they’re dicks.”

ME: Why do you hate the Colts outside of the fact that they’re in your division?

DEL RIO: “I was on the beach one time, and some Colts guys kicked some sand in my face when I was sun tanning. It was totally uncool, dude.”

ME: So all you need for someone to motivate you is to kick sand in your face?

DEL RIO: “Yeah, bra. All I need otherwise are some tasty waves, a cool buds, and I’m fine.”

ME: So, what sort of game plan do you have in store for the Bills? What do you need to do to stop C.J. Spiller, assuming he even gets the ball?

DEL RIO: “I know that dude.”

ME: I would hope so. But what are you going to do to stop him?

DEL RIO: “That’s way too far into the future, man. I’m goin’ back down to the beach to catch some killer waves.”

26. Seattle Seahawks (2-2) – Previously: #25 – A GameCenter poster commented the following at the beginning of the Seahawks-Rams game:

NO WAY RAMS LOSING THIS GAME

Well, there you go. There was no way Rams losing this game based on this guy’s proclamation. The Seahawks should consider hiring this wise sage. A few “NO WAY SEAHAWKS LOSING THIS GAME” declarations, and Seattle will find itself in the playoffs.

25. Oakland Raiders (1-3) – Previously: #24 – I have some shameful news to report. I started Darrius Heyward-Bey in one of my fantasy leagues this past week. Yes, it’s true.

Believe me, I had no choice. Andre Johnson was hurt and I had numerous receivers on byes. I’d go into more detail, but I feel like hanging myself for starting Heyward-Bey.

24. San Francisco 49ers (0-4) – Previously: #23 – Next time, trade for Donovan McNabb, idiots.

23. St. Louis Rams (2-2) – Previously: #26 – The Rams are probably the best team in the NFC West, but before we get too excited about them, keep in mind that they’ve played the 30th-, 25th-, 13th- and 26th-ranked teams according to these 2010 NFL Power Rankings.

At any rate, here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:

1. “BROWNS ARE SO USE TO LOOSING IT IS PATHETIC”

Browns just know how to tight. They don’t know how to loose. You’re right, it is pathetic. (This is just one of a thousand daily posts on GameCenter that confuse “lose” and “loose.” It’s crazy how so many people don’t know the difference.)

2. “LMAO THEY CANT RUN THE BALL R THROW..NORE CAN THEY STOP US.WOW”

LMAO YOU CANT USE VERBS R NOUNS..NORE CAN YOU USE ADJECTIVES.WOW

3. “palmer need to get his rythm back if he wants to be an elite quarter back”

Just like you need to get your brain back if you want to spell words correctly.


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (2-2). Previously: #11
12. Miami Dolphins (2-2). Previously: #13
13. Washington Redskins (2-2). Previously: #17
14. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2). Previously: #16
15. Minnesota Vikings (1-2). Previously: #18
16. New York Giants (2-2). Previously: #19
17. Denver Broncos (2-2). Previously: #21
18. Chicago Bears (3-1). Previously: #12
19. Tennessee Titans (2-2). Previously: #15
20. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2). Previously: #14
21. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0). Previously: #20
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1). Previously: #22