2015 Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you may know that I like to respond to my spam mails. It’s fun to mess with these a**hole spammers, and besides, if they’re busy contacting me, they’re not taking advantage of someone who’s naive, so I feel like I’m being a good Samaritan.

Here’s a quick one to kick the year off. This was a short exchange from someone who never got to introduce him/herself:

I guess it was a chick. Oh well.

By the way, what’s with the subject? “Final.” Final what? Final attempt at spamming because you suck at it?

Here’s another quick exchange with a spammer. This person sent an e-mail to inform me that they were robbed in the Philippines. Serves him right for being there! Here’s his e-mail and my reply:

I can’t blame him for not responding, though I’m wondering if this spammer now believes that someone put a hit on a person vacationing in the Philippines.

It’s sad when an NFL player, or almost anyone, passes away. Meredith Wood Boggs sent an e-mail to inform me that a football player has died:

Unfortunately, no response here, either. I guess Meredith is a football fan and knew I was BSing her, or she was just so confused by my reply that she never bothered getting back to me.

This is yet another spam mailer who never got back to me after the initial e-mail, but it might be one of my favorite exchanges ever. If you liked Boy Meets World, you might appreciate it as well:

I’m so sad Chuck Feeney didn’t get back to me. I guess he was too busy grading papers and teaching life lessons to the annoying kids next door.

This spam mail was from Bono Loto:

I know what you’re wondering, and yes, that address and phone number belongs to the prison where Charles Manson is currently residing.

The bad news is that they never responded. The good news is that because most of these spammers are from other country and may not have heard of Charles Manson, the guy running this bogus Bono Loto scam probably called the prison and asked to speak to Charles Manson. I’d give anything to see the look on the operator’s face when they had to answer a call from someone asking to speak to Charles Manson because he won Bono Loto.

I had no luck with someone responding to me when I pretended to be Charles Manson. How about another psychopath?

Imani actually answered with a long e-mail. Here’s an excerpt:

My name is Mrs Imani Vaserman , I am a 63 years old widow of circumstance, married to an Israeli Zoologist/Researcher. We had a beautiful daughter (Hadassa) who died in 1998 after 7yrs battling with Quadriplegia paralysis, the kind that affect the spinal cord of a person, leaving such person completely unable to move. She became paralyzed after an accident during one of her skating practice. All this years, I have been trying to leave with the loss of my only child, until death in its uninvited manner came knocking again, this time, my beloved husband, my only source of happiness was taking away while on a research mission on November 12, 2001 on a plane crash with other passengers On American Airlines Flight 587, From Chicago to Los Angeles

She also asked for my information, of course. Unfortunately, I completely forgot about this e-mail and I didn’t respond until two months later. Here’s what I wrote:

The address and phone number belongs to Mayweather Promotions, so it’d be great if a Mrs. Imani calls them and asks for Floyd Mayweather. I just hope it isn’t too late.

Success! I managed to hear back from Mrs. Imani. As usual, it was a long e-mail. Here’s an excerpt:

I have already issued a letter of authority to the finance firm in the United State of America making you beneficiary to my deposit. I take this decision because my time is short and i want to dispense this fund in the right channel before i leave this sinful world. Allah has led me to you and i want you to know that so far you have heeded to his call he will not let you down.

The United “State” of America? What happened to the other 49? If you think Mrs. Imani isn’t all there, that’s because she’s in the hospital. At least that’s what I inferred from this picture she sent me of herself:

Poor Mrs. Imani! I had to come up with a response to make her feel better:

I’m hoping she calls Mayweather Promotions. I should have told her to say: “Hi, may I speak to Floyd, I’m a woman and need his assistance getting out of the hospital.”

I’m not sure if Mrs. Imani called the number, but she told me to contact a bank…

I wasted no time e-mailing BNB Hana Bank:

OK, so maybe they’ll be the ones calling Mayweather Promotions. I hope they respond soon!

***

They didn’t respond, but here’s an exchange with a spam-mailer I hope can last a while. Take a look at this:

My plan is to A) Convince this spammer that our collaboration should be titled Oranga-Tang because of our names, and B) As a consequence, talk like a gorilla because my name, coincidentally, will be Oranga Tan.

I’m really hoping to hear back from Tang soon.

I heard back from Tang! Despite the fact that I replied like a gorilla, Tang sent me an extremely long e-mail. Here was one of the 11 long paragraphs in the e-mail:

My proposal; I am prepared to furnish the necessary details to you as the closest surviving relation. I am also proposing that after successful execution of the business deal and the money in your account, the funds be disbursed in the ratio 40/60; 40% of the funds will go to you for offering yourself as the next of kin and providing a foreign account especially an offshore account for safe transfer of the funds and 60% will be for me. Please let me know in your next correspondence if the above sharing ratio is okay by you because we can fine-tune this based on our interactions incase you have any problem with it. Following the master plan for this deal I am looking at a bank that have transaction understanding with my bank as first point of transfer to put off eyebrows that may be raised or to avoid unnecessary questioning.

Blah, blah, blah… Time to reply like a gorilla again:

Tang can’t possibly fall for this, right? Tang can’t be that stupid…

This looks like a great spam-exchange opportunity:

Let’s hope this a**hole hasn’t watched Breaking Bad so I can mess with him.

I managed to hear back from the Walter White spammer! It’s apparently a woman named Mrs. Li Yun. Here’s an excerpt:

I am Mrs. Li Yun A staff of Wing Hang Bank HONGKONG, I am contacting you concerning a customer and an investment placed under our banks management. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail private and also to kindly respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this email. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication; I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. it is of great importance for you to take care and understand every word which I have written down below; please be patient and read the explanation in my email.

There is USD $ 16,997,674 (Sixteen million, nine hundred and Ninety Seven Thousand, six hundred and Seventy four United States Dollars) deposited, I alone have the Deposit Details and they will Release the Deposit to no One unless I Instruct them to do SO. Also I alone know of the existence of this deposit for as far as the finance firm is concerned, the transaction with our deceased customer concluded when I sent the funds to the firm, all outstanding interactions in relation to the file are just customer services and due process. The finance firm has no single idea of what’s the history or nature of the deposit, they are simply awaiting instructions to release the deposit to any party that comes forward, and this is the situation. This bank has spent great amounts of money trying to track the family of the deceased; they have investigated for months and have found no family but however the investigation has officially come to an end.

My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position whereby an instruction is given to the finance firm to officially release the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation / associate, and all etiquette shall be done in accordance with the rule of law, I certainly can guarantee you that. By the common law, the power of bequeathing is coeval with the first rudiments of the law. There is no ruling which prevents an inheritance from being so exhausted by legacies as to render it unworthy of the theirs acceptance; perfect operation whereby the paper work shall be coordinated in such a way that your status as a sole beneficiary is confirmed. Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you, that is I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you; afterwards we share the proceeds 60/40.

Wow, close to $17 million? Walter White can make sure his breakfast-loving son has all the pancakes and omelets he wants for the rest of his life!

Here’s what I wrote back:

Mrs. Li Yun, “a staff of Wing Hang Bank,” can’t possibly reply to this after I offered her some crystal meth, right?

Apparently not. Mrs. Yun apparently doesn’t care that I made a proposal to sell drugs to her because she quickly answered back. It was another long e-mail. Here’s part of it:

I want to thank you for your email response, I sincerely appreciate your interest to assist me in this transaction, however I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with me, I cannot afford to compromise these virtues because this transaction is highly sensitive, I have my principles which will profit the both of us. I will need you to follow my instruction to enable us have this transaction completed on time.

I know you might be wondering where I got your email contact but to be honest with you, I got your contact email discretely on the internet during my search for a reliable partner who would be of assistance to me in order to have the funds transferred out , if you read my previous emails properly I have explained why I need your assistance, I did consider what you might think about my kind of person but the risk was worth taken and the fact remains that I cannot transfer the funds in my own name, this is the main reason your assistance as a foreigner is required.

My reply:

Unfortunately, Mrs. Yun hasn’t responded yet. I guess she wanted 1,000 pounds and was pissed that I lowballed her.

Someone named Gavin e-mailed me and called me a “beautiful angel.” I just had to reply:

With the whole Jared from Subway situation, I’d be remiss if I didn’t pretend to be him in one of my responses.

Oh, by the way, here’s an enlarged photo of this 45-year-old man named Gavin:

Yeeeesh. I hope he/she answers back soon.

I received some spam mail saying that I won $2.268 million from the Bono Loto. They advised me to contact an attorney, Belzuz Bogados to claim my winnings. Here’s the e-mail I sent:

I might be able to have lots of fun with this if this scumbag doesn’t know who Tom Brady is.

Apparently, this jacka** doesn’t know who Tom Brady is. Time for some fun! He sent me a form to fill out, so here it is:

The address and phone number belong to Tom Brady’s agents, so I’m hoping they get an interesting call or letter from Bono Loto.

Believe it or not, I received another reply from Belzuz:

I found it hilarious that he addressed me as “Tom Brady,” using my entire name. It’s amazing how clueless these spammers are.

I’m not going to send a payment, of course, but maybe I can get him to call Tom Brady’s agent…