Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you might remember that I like to respond to my spam mails. It all started eight years ago, when a man named Jon Wire from the “United Bank of Africoan” promised me an ATM card of some sort, so I responded as a man named Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, who was raised by wolves. The following season, I received e-mails from Richard Held and Loon Bruce, who told me I won a Facebook Award, which comes with a “lump sum pay out of (750,000.00 GBP).” Pretending to be Matthew Millen Kim, I sent out my application and fake money.

I’ve been messing around with spammers ever since, pretending to be Harvey Weinstein, Tom Brady, Walter White and a 65-year-old virgin man living with his mother. I’ll have new answers to spam mails here, so check them out if you want to see me screw with spammers!

A man named Matt McGuire used to work for me. I haven’t heard from him in a while, but perhaps that’s because this happened:

Matt was a good guy, so you better believe I’m going to make them pay!

I received an e-mail from a spammer calling themselves “Vera Smith.” She also provided two pictures of “herself.” I think I’ll respond as Jon Gruden, whom I haven’t done yet:

I can’t believe Jon Gruden is still sending e-mails after he was completely f**ked over by them a couple of years ago. You’d think he’d learn his lesson!

Vera Smith replied to Jon Gruden. She asked for a picture, so I had to send one with the Gruden scowl:

Hey, I’m just as mad at Roger Goodell for banning us from the combine!

Vera Smith apparently wasn’t concerned with Jon Gruden being mad all the time. What a great gal!

Oh, that Giant Ears DeMaurice Smith! I miss the Gruden nicknames.

Things are heating up between Vera Smith and Jon Gruden. She’s now asking about marital status and children:

So, the F-word was fartface all along. I agree with Gruden that Roger Goodell is a fartface.

Unfortunately, this was the last time Jon Gruden would hear from Vera Smith. I’m sure he’s grateful, however, that she was able to provide him with a distraction with those lovely e-mails.

Here’s an e-mail from a new spammer, Leona Bradley:

Half of her pictures show her holding a dog, so I had to reach for the low-hanging fruit:

This should hopefully be a fun exchange of e-mails!

Sensing nothing malicious with the dog comment yet, Leona Bradley replied:

I’m afraid that I’m going to have to take it to the next level after she e-mails me back!

Leona Bradley replied with another picture of herself with her dog:

Here it goes…

Unfortunately, Leona Bradley was not fond of the idea of being with someone who is open to dog fighting, yet wants nothing to do with cat fighting. Personally, I can always do with a little cat fighting.

Some guy named Sweeney messaged me about Covid not affecting me. Let’s pretend to be one of the people in charge:

Andrew Cuomo had some major talent. He killed so many old people, and he got away with it scot-free.

I got an e-mail from someone who is interested in my football. Yes, my football:

I need to let Liang know that I want him to have my football:

Yeesh. You can have it. I want no part of Mangini and his weird sleepovers.

This is from last year because I got some responses to it…

Someone sent me an e-mail, referring to me as “Simmons.” I could’ve gone with Bill Simmons, but making fun of Ben Simmons is more fun:

This is obviously a nonsensical response, but if these dumb spammers don’t even know who Joe Biden is, I have to imagine that they’ve never heard of Ben Simmons.

Somehow, I received an e-mail back for my e-mail pretending to be Ben Simmons.

I don’t know why Amouzou was talking as if I never replied to him. Maybe Ben Simmons’ e-mails, much like his shot, always seem to miss the mark.

Ben Simmons must have missed again because there was no response to his e-mail. Time for something else:

Poor Alec Baldwin! All this bad stuff keeps happening to him!

Alec Baldwin didn’t receive a response, so let’s pretend to be another famous person who killed someone:

So stunning! So brave!

As it turns out, I did get a response!

That address belongs to Ben Simmons, and phone number is that of Simmons’ agent. Let’s see what sort of mayhem I can cause!

Frank Amouzou e-mailed me back, telling me that the bank would contact me:

Here’s my reply:

Rich Paul is Ben Simmons’ agent. Soon enough, a fake bank will be calling Ben Simmons’ agent!

Frank Amouzou had yet another response to Ben Simmons:

Here’s my reply:

Come on, Frank! Call and bother Ben Simmons’ agent, please!

Uh oh, looks like Frank Amouzou is getting frustrated!

Here’s what I said:

I can only imagine how frustrated Rich Paul is. “Why does this Frank Amouzou a**hole keep calling me!?”

Frank Amouzou has decided to cut to the chase:

I wonder if Frank Amouzou even knows what free throws are. If he doesn’t, he should have looked it up. If he does, why does he keep contacting me when it’s clearly a joke?

I found an old spam e-mail chain in my inbox that I haven’t shared with you. Here, some girl named Valeria contacted me. She’s quite pretty, as you can see:

At the time, this man hadn’t been killed yet:

It’s time for one more trip down the Lolitta Express Lane!

Here’s the latest reply from Valeria:

She then replied three times in a row, wondering why I hadn’t answered in a span of 40 minutes:

WTF, calm down, Valeria! Don’t you know that Jeffery has important things to do like smuggle little girls and not kill himself in prison cells?

This, unfortunately, was the last time I heard from Valeria. I guess she realized that she wasn’t actually talking to the real Jeffery Epstein. Hopefully she also believes that Epstein didn’t kill himself.