2008 NFL Power Rankings: Week 3
Week 2 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. Dallas Cowboys (1-0) – Previously: #1 – I always knew Wade Phillips was pretty clueless, but I now know how truly inept he is. At halftime, when asked how the Eagles were able to move the chains so easily, Phillips blamed a bunch of penalties. Uhh… what about your secondary, Wade? Late in the third quarter, McNabb tossed an underhanded pass to Brian Westbrook while over the line of scrimmage. It turned out to be a significant gain. Instead of challenging, Wade just stood there looking like a fool. In the In-Game Thread, when I wrote, “Wade Phillips is an idiot. Challenge!” Member Eagles4Life wrote back, “No, he still thinks this is a playoff game, let’s maintain the illusion.” Classic.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) – Previously: #2 – It’s been a whole week, and Keyshawn Johnson still hasn’t told us who the best team in the AFC is. Seven days ago, when the shows were asking, “Who’s the best team in the AFC?” Keyshawn, more disoriented than he normally is, said he’d need another week to tell us who the top team in the AFC is. By the way, I’m pleased to report that there’s a good chance that there may be a Keyshawn Johnson Anthology in our future. Click here for the Emmitt Smith Anthology.
3. New York Giants (2-0) – Previously: #3 – If I had it my way, the Giants would be 1-0, while the Eagles would stand at 0-1. Beating the Rams shouldn’t count as a victory. In fact, as the wise Al Bundy once said on Married With Children, “If you lose to the Rams, you’re kicked out of the league.” You can’t argue with Four-Touchdown Al.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0) – Previously: #7 – Unreal. The Fantasy Gods hate me. In six of my leagues, I’m 2-0, but I was 0-1 and down five points in my Touchdown League. I had Marion Barber. My opponent had Brian Westbrook. Because yards are meaningless, I needed Barber to score just one more touchdown than Westbrook. That’s not much to ask, given that Barber is more prone to getting in the end zone than Westbrook is. Well, when the Eagles were about to give the ball to Tony Hunt at the 1-yard line, they were whistled for a false start. At the six, Donovan McNabb threw it to Westbrook, who ran it into the end zone. Later, DeSean Jackson carelessly flipped the ball behind him prior to scoring. Because no Cowboy jumped on the ball, Philadelphia was awarded the ball at the one. Westbrook ran it in.
   
   I’m seriously in tears right now. I don’t know what I did wrong. Fantasy Gods, why do you hate me so!?
5. Indianapolis Colts (1-1) – Previously: #4 – The Peyton Manning Pep Talk of the Week: “Hey Vikings, your defense is pretty good. You guys knocked me around a bit. And I’ll admit – we almost lost. Which is why I’m going to give you some advice. If you want to meet up with my Colts in the Super Bowl, get a real quarterback who doesn’t play like as if he were sniffing glue a few hours prior to the game. Oh, and tell your tight end to stop eating McDonald’s before the game. His hands were so greasy, I saw my reflection in them, and I was able to comb my hair. I’m Peyton Manning, and I hope this pep talk has helped you!”
6. Green Bay Packers (2-0) – Previously: #6 – It seemed like everyone was impressed by Aaron Rodgers’ stats against the Lions. I understand why; Rodgers went 24-of-38, 328 yards and three touchdowns. That’s great and everything, but Matt Ryan could have put up the same numbers if Mike Smith allowed him to air it out 38 times. what impressed me the most was that after cooling off after a hot start, Rodgers was able to turn things back on after the Lions came all the back from 24-0. Check out my upcoming Week 3 Picks page for an interesting fact on Detroit’s attempted comeback.
7. Denver Broncos (2-0) – Previously: #8 – It’s a shame what happened to the Chargers, but think of all the Ed Hochuli jokes that will come out of the botched fumble. For example, one member of one of my six fantasy leagues was complaining because ESPN didn’t allow him to add a kicker (he needed one with Kris Brown getting the week off). The commissioner, meanwhile, wouldn’t budge on activating the kicker himself. So, I stepped in and said, “I think we should go to Ed Hochuli for a ruling.” Both guys laughed, and now neither party really cares. There’s always a possibility that the guy isn’t complaining anymore because his team lost by 70, and the kicker’s points wouldn’t have mattered, but I like to think I made a difference.
8. New Orleans Saints (1-1) – Previously: #5 – I have to apologize to forum member Bucsforlife31. I ruined his fantasy week because I had Santana Moss as a Sit Em player on my Fantasy Football Start ‘Em, Sit ‘Em page. Granted, New Orleans’ top three defensive backs – Mike McKenzie, Randall Gay and Roman Harper – were scratched two hours prior to the game, but I still should have known better. Any wide receiver going against a secondary that features Jason David is an automatic start from now on. If I say otherwise, please find me and hit me upside the head.
9. Buffalo Bills (2-0) – Previously: #9 – Last week I said there was a huge dropoff after the first eight teams. Now, I’m not so sure. The Bills are really good. Going down into Jacksonville and winning isn’t easy. And the scary thing is, Trent Edwards and James Hardy can only improve. Contrary to popular belief, the Brett Favre-led Jets aren’t the biggest threat to the Patriots. I believe the Bills are – and I think Buffalo is the superior squad.
10. Tennessee Titans (2-0) – Previously: #17 – I considered putting the Chargers here because I feel sorry their fans. It’s not their fault Ed Hochuli hates their guts! But then I remembered that the Titans are 2-0, and according to most people, they suddenly have a huge upgrade at quarterback with a surprisingly sober Kerry Collins taking over for the gun-wielding Vince Young. Still, I’d like to see Tennessee beat a real team; they’ve knocked off the sluggish-looking Jaguars and the spineless Bengals.

32. St. Louis Rams (0-2) – Previously: #32 – Until the Rams actually prove that they’re worthy of being an NFL team, I’m not going to comment on them. Instead, I’ll like to interview Ed Hochuli.

Hey, Ed. Thanks for joining me. “Look at my mus-kells! I vill crush you!”
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-2) – Previously: #31 – Ah man, that was not my most successful interview ever. Though my nose is broken and I’m missing an eyeball, I will say that I put up more of a fight than the spineless Bengals have these past two weeks. Seriously. Would it kill them to put forth an ounce of effort? It almost seems as if these guys are being forced to play football.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) – Previously: #27 – In a press conference, Larry Johnson said he doesn’t see himself being a part of the Chiefs much longer. Like Shaun Alexander last year, Johnson looks done. So much for my dual-running back plan. Last week, I suggested that Herm Edwards should eliminate the quarterback position and go with Johnson and Jamaal Charles in the backfield. Conservative Herm would love this because he already coaches as if the forward pass were never invented.
29. Oakland Raiders (1-1) – Previously: #30 – According to reports, Al Davis has wanted to fire Lane Kiffin for months now. So, what happened? It’s time for oddities! 1:10,000 – Crazy Al can’t do anything without his next shipment of goat blood, and it hasn’t come in yet for some reason. 1:100 – When reminded that he wanted to ax Kiffin, Crazy Al keeps saying, “Huh? Who is Blaine Kiffin guy?” 2:1 – Art Shell is the only person crazy enough to want to coach the Raiders. 8:1 – Crazy Al is biding his time until either Bill Belichick or Tony Dungy is available. 1:10 – With all of the money he used on Javon Walker, Crazy Al doesn’t have any money to spend on a new coach.
28. Miami Dolphins (0-2) – Previously: #25 – I can understand losing to the Cardinals. Everyone in the NFL (except for many Bengals) is a professional football player. But getting blown out by a franchise that has one playoff victory in the past five decades? It’s a good thing Bill Parcells isn’t the coach of this team, or he would have cut the kicker or something.
27. Detroit Lions (0-2) – Previously: #26 – Forty-eight points. Forty-eight!!! What happened to the great defensive players Matt Millen brought in? Oh… wait… Seriously, what’s taking the Lions so long to fire this guy? Millen’s almost like Milton from Office Space. Maybe Detroit fired him but just forgot to file the paperwork. Instead of the stapler, it’s “My… m… my… m… m… my… r… rec… re… r… receiver…”
26. Atlanta Falcons (1-1) – Previously: #24 – Welcome to the real NFL, Matt Ryan. Like victories against the Rams, wins versus the Lions shouldn’t count either.
25. San Francisco 49ers (1-1) – Previously: #29 – OK, so maybe J.T. O’Sullivan isn’t the worst thing since sliced bread. I don’t know how he did it, but he threw for 321 yards and a touchdown. That said, I had a pretty good laugh when I saw that the Seahawks sacked O’Sullivan eight times. Mike Martz is awesome. I hope he never loses his touch. In fact, if I’m hired as a general manager and the owner asks me to sabotage his franchise, the first two guys I’m hiring are Martz and Art Shell. Matt Millen will be my scouting director, while Wade Phillips is definitely the motivational speaker I’m bringing in for the playoffs.
24. Washington Redskins (1-1) – Previously: #28 – So, the Redskins were so unprepared that they failed to install a no-huddle offense in their opener. And Jason Campbell looked clueless in Jim Zorn’s West Coast offense. Yet, just 10 days later, Washington was sharp and Campbell seemed pretty comfortable in his new scheme. What a difference 10 days can make. It’s amazing what can happen when a team’s head coach stops devoting all of his time to tanning and surfing.
23. Baltimore Ravens (1-0) – Previously: #23 – I’m pissed off. If Brian Billick were still the coach of the Ravens, I’d be able to joke around about how he spent his week off nursing Kyle Boller’s injured shoulder in his New Hampshire cabin. But noooo…. Baltimore had to fire Billick and replace him with John Harbaugh. Damn it, why can’t Harbaugh suck like Billick?


2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (0-2). Previously: #12
12. Minnesota Vikings (0-2). Previously: #11
13. Arizona Cardinals (2-0). Previously: #15
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1). Previously: #16
15. Carolina Panthers (2-0). Previously: #18
16. Seattle Seahawks (0-2). Previously: #13
17. New England Patriots (2-0). Previously: #19
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2). Previously: #10
19. New York Jets (1-1). Previously: #14
20. Houston Texans (0-1). Previously: #20
21. Chicago Bears (1-1). Previously: #22
22. Cleveland Browns (0-2). Previously: #21

1. Ravens (2.5)
2. Titans (2.6)
3. Steelers (2.9)
4. Jets (3.1)
5. Eagles (3.2)
6. Dolphins (3.4)
7. Buccaneers (3.5)
8. Vikings (3.6)
9. Raiders (3.6)
10. Bills (3.6)
11. Seahawks (3.6)
12. Giants (3.8)
13. Jaguars (3.8)
14. Bears (3.9)
15. Panthers (3.9)
16. Cowboys (3.9)
17. Bengals (4.0)
18. 49ers (4.0)
19. Cardinals (4.0)
20. Patriots (4.4)
21. Texans (4.7)
22. Packers (4.7)
23. Browns (4.7)
24. Colts (4.9)
25. Falcons (4.9)
26. Redskins (5.0)
27. Broncos (5.3)
28. Chargers (5.3)
29. Rams (5.6)
30. Saints (5.8)
31. Chiefs (5.9)
32. Lions (7.0)

1. Ravens (4.0)
2. Panthers (5.0)
3. Bills (5.1)
4. Bengals (5.1)
5. Giants (5.3)
6. Titans (5.6)
7. Steelers (5.7)
8. Packers (5.8)
9. 49ers (5.9)
10. Raiders (6.0)
11. Chiefs (6.2)
12. Colts (6.2)
13. Jets (6.3)
14. Bears (6.3)
15. Redskins (6.4)
16. Cowboys (6.5)
17. Chargers (6.6)
18. Falcons (6.6)
19. Patriots (6.8)
20. Saints (7.1)
21. Cardinals (7.2)
22. Vikings (7.6)
23. Buccaneers (7.7)
24. Eagles (8.4)
25. Jaguars (8.5)
26. Seahawks (8.7)
27. Broncos (9.4)
28. Lions (9.6)
29. Texans (9.8)
30. Browns (9.9)
31. Rams (10.0)
32. Dolphins (11.9)