I was a member of this league last year. I should note that I didn’t make the playoffs, but I like to blame that on an awful waiver system. And by awful I mean non-existent. Seriously, you could pick up players during the games on Sunday. This put me at a serious disadvantage, as I’m writing/blogging for this site on Sundays, and don’t have time to check my fantasy leagues. By Monday, all the good free agents were gone. I don’t think I ever signed a single free agent I wanted.
At any rate, my friend/neighbor/business partner Steve is still in this league. He sent me the results of this draft and told me I was in for a laugh. I definitely was, and you will be too.
I’m only listing the crappy picks in this draft. But that’s OK because there were a lot of them. Enjoy.
ROUND 1:
1.01: JDL – Brian Westbrook, RB, Eagles
No Tom Brady
ANALYSIS: Brian Westbrook went first – and this is NOT a PPR league.
Other than that, I can’t argue the first nine picks, though it’s a bit weird that Marshawn Lynch went sixth. But how do you not draft Tom Brady in the first round of a 12-man league? How do Clinton Portis, Terrell Owens and Reggie Wayne go ahead of him? Does this league deduct points for having quarterbacks who break NFL records? Or are the people in this league so visionary that they’re all correctly predicting a 2002 St. Louis Rams-esque downfall for New England?
ROUND 2:
2.02 Soulja Boy – Tony Romo, QB, Cowboys
2.03 VERBLE – Ryan Grant, RB, Packers
2.04 Window Works – Tom Brady, QB, Patriots
2.11 Albyfree – Ronnie Brown, RB, Dolphins
ANALYSIS: OK, maybe if you give me a great argument and lace my dinner with crack, you can convince me that Terrell Owens and Reggie Wayne should be drafted ahead of Tom Brady. But Tony Romo and Ryan Grant? Never. I fear that if Steve (Window Works) wasn’t in the league, Brady may have gone undrafted.
Speaking of crack, that apparently was Albyfree’s drug of choice when he took Ronnie Brown. That, or he’s drafting out of a 2007 fantasy mag. Both would be valid explanations for that selection.
ROUND 3:
3.08 Just BlaZZzze – Donovan McNabb, QB, Eagles
ANALYSIS: Donovan McNabb was chosen six picks after Drew Brees, 10 selections before Carson Palmer and a full round prior to Ben Roethlisberger. I realize that most (or all) of these people are Eagles fans, but that doesn’t excuse drafting poorly in a $75 league. That’s like six times the worth of my bank account.
ROUND 4:
4.02: Soulja Boy – Laveranues Coles, WR, Jets
ANALYSIS: For the record, Laveranues Coles went before Santonio Holmes, Calvin Johnson and Anquan Boldin. Also for the record, fantasy owners don’t get bonus points for taking inferior talent when there are better players at the same position on the board. Strike two for Soulja Boy (Tony Romo over Tom Brady).
ROUND 5:
5.03: Spooge77 – Chris Chambers, WR, Chargers
ANALYSIS: What is it with these run-in-the-mill receivers getting drafted three rounds too high? This Sponge character takes Chris Chambers ahead of Jason Witten, Dwayne Bowe, BRANDON MARSHALL!!!, Jerricho Cotchery and Roddy White.
Don’t worry we’re just getting started here…
ROUND 6:
6.02: Soulja Boy – Kevin Curtis, WR, Eagles
6.08: Russian Rockets – Javon Walker, WR, Raiders
6.10: Spooge77 – Jerry Porter, WR, Jaguars
6.11: Albyfree – Patrick Crayton, WR, Cowboys
ANALYSIS: Strike three, you’re out!!! Soulja Boy goes Kevin Curtis (out until November) over Roddy White and Donald Driver. Soulja Boy now has four receivers (Marvin Harrison, Laveranues Coles, Hines Ward and Curtis) and NO RUNNING BACKS! Great drafting strategy!
This is the first of many rounds that the Russian Rocket begins self-destructing. Seriously, Javon Walker in the sixth round? He would have been available in the 16th round!
Then again, if I were Russian Rocket, had no clue about football and wanted Walker really badly, I probably would have taken him here. Given the incompetence in this league, I’m willing to bet more than half of the owners angrily yelled, “Crap! Walker is off the board! What am I going to do now!?”
ROUND 7:
7.01: JDL – L.J. Smith, TE, Eagles
7.05: Russian Rocket – Bernard Berrian, WR, Vikings
7.11: Soulja Boy – Chester Taylor, RB, Vikings
7.12: P.E.K. – Thomas Jones, RB, Jets
ANALYSIS: The Thomas Jones pick doesn’t suck; I’m just confused as to why he lasted this long…
…And past Soulja Boy. Seriously, what is Soulja Boy doing? Thomas Jones fell to him as his RB1, yet he goes with second-stringer Chester Taylor as his top running back.
Great job picking L.J. Smith before Chris Cooley, by the way. Considering Smith is going undrafted in some leagues, the seventh round seems just about right considering the skill of these fantasy players.
ROUND 8:
8.02: Soulja Boy – Fred Taylor, RB, Jaguars
8.05: JustBlazZZzze – Kenny Watson, RB, Bengals
ANALYSIS: Someone, please euthanize Soulja Boy. For his RB2, he went Fred Taylor… with Ricky Williams, Matt Forte and Jonathan Stewart on the board.
Even worse than Taylor over those backs is Kenny Watson over that trio. I’m starting to regret backing out of this league. Based on some of these picks, I could have probably started the season 9-0 without altering my roster.
ROUND 9:
9.05: Russian Rockets – Isaac Bruce, WR, 49ers
9.07: Holly Montag – Rudi Johnson, RB, Bengals
MY PICK: Russian Rocket has now entered the “I barely know anyone left on the board so I’m going to start picking guys I’ve heard of” portion of his draft. Have fun with Isaac Bruce.
Apparently Holly Montag isn’t a reader of this site. If he was, he would have known that Chris Perry was starting in Cincinnati; not Rudi Johnson. Tisk, tisk.
ROUND 10:
10.02: Soulja Boy – Adam Vinatieri, K, Colts
10.05: JustBlaZZzze – Bobby Engram, WR, Seahawks
10.11: Albyfree – Kevin Jones, RB, Bears
ANALYSIS: Let’s see… your starting receivers are Hines Ward and an injured Kevin Curtis… Your top running backs are Chester Taylor and Fred Taylor… And not only are you the first to take a kicker in the draft, you don’t even pick a top-five guy at the position! Soulja Boy officially has the worst fantasy football team of all time. If you gave my senile grandmom 10 shots of vodka and told her the year was 1950, she could have assembled a better team.
Someone sue JustBlazZZzzZZzzzzZZZe for plagarism! He’s copying Soulja Boy’s strategy of taking injured receivers who probably won’t play until November! That jerk!
Kevin Jones goes two rounds after Matt Forte. Awful. Just awful. I’m running out of insults here.
ROUND 11:
11.02: Albyfree – Brandon Stokley, WR, Broncos
11.03: Spooge77 – Darren Sproles, RB, Chargers
11.06: 11 Boys – Bryant Johnson, WR, 49ers
ANALYSIS: I can somewhat understand crappy receivers being taken here because there is no depth at the position this year, though 11 Boys (What kind of a name is that? Is this Michael Jackson?) should have read my rankings to discover Josh Morgan is starting over Bryant Johnson.
But Darren Sproles… First of all, LaDainian Tomlinson misses no time. Second, if he does, Sproles and Jacob Hester are going to split carries.
ROUND 12:
12.12: JDL – Ladell Betts, RB, Redskins
ANALYSIS: If you’re going to take a handcuff running back, why not a guy who has a shot of starting without an injury taking place? Someone like Ray Rice or Tim Hightower. Ladell Betts is going to rot on JDL’s bench until Week 4, at which point JDL will drop him for a bye replacement.
ROUND 13:
13.07: Holly Montag – Devin Hester, WR, Bears
13.11: Soulja Boy – DeShaun Foster, RB, 49ers
ANALYSIS: Nothing like taking a crappy receiver on a crappy offense getting passes from a crappy quarterback receiving blocking from a crappy offensive line. If you’re going to take a Bears receiver, make sure you haven’t drank heavily in the past two hours. If you’re sober, check yourself into a mental hospital. Once you’re in a padded room, select Rashied Davis. He’s the only guy Kyle Orton feels comfortable throwing to.
Oh, by the way, I just received news that Soulja Boy’s real name is Bo-Bo. I’m dead serious. It all becomes clear; childhood trauma from being made fun of has stunted his growth as a fantasy owner.
ROUND 14:
14.02: Soulja Boy – Shaun Alexander, RB, None
14.05: JustBlaZZzze – Travis Henry, RB, None
14.12: JDL – Chris Brown, RB, None
ANALYSIS: I’m convinced Bo-Bo is just taking random players right now. Even a poor childhood can’t explain all of his horrendous selections. As a recap, Soulja has four running backs on his roster, none of whom start: Chester Taylor, Fred Taylor, DeShaun Foster and Shaun Alexander.
At any rate, not one, not two but three running backs who are no longer in the league drafted in this round! That has to be some sort of record.
ROUND 15:
15.11: Soulja Boy – Josh Scobee, K, Jaguars
Only 3 Other Kickers
ANALYSIS: With the poor drafting that went on here, I didn’t expect many kickers to be taken in the final rounds. But of the four people who followed Matthew Berry’s advice and waited until the final round for a kicker, one was Bo-Bo. What are the odds!?
Then again, Josh Scobee happens to be Bo-Bo’s backup kicker.
Yup. A backup kicker.
Poor Bo-Bo’s going to need more therapy after his team goes 0-13.
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