NFL Power Rankings

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NFL Power Rankings: Week 10 – Top 10
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New England Patriots (8-0) – Previously: #1 – I’m once again tempted to move the Patriots down, as they have two new injured players in Sebastian Vollmer and Dion Lewis. Both are crucial; the former because Tom Brady’s protection has already been abysmal, and the latter because he’s been such a great play-maker in the passing game for Brady and his dink-and-dunk approach. Not having Lewis around for the playoff run is devastating.

By the way, Pats fans, you might be happy to learn that your team isn’t the only one that cheats. Check out who was in the stands during Sunday’s game:

I’m not sure what the NFL’s rule on teleportation is, but it has to carry a four-game suspension at least, right?
Cincinnati Bengals (8-0) – Previously: #2 – I’m rooting for Andy Dalton. I really am. He just seems like a nice dude. Despite Deion Sanders saying that he doubts him in front of everyone, Dalton presented Deion with a jersey of his. It was a nice gesture, even though Deion will likely use it as toilet paper.

By the way, my girlfriend is a fan of Dalton as well. “That’s one good-looking ginger!” she said while watching the game with me. I had the urge to tell her all about his playoff failures, but I didn’t have the heart.
Carolina Panthers (8-0) – Previously: #4 – The Panthers are for real, with Cam Newton seemingly gaining more confidence each week. Their physical style of play frustrates opponents, as we saw in the Green Bay game when Julius Peppers threw the ball away from Newton after a touchdown just so Newton couldn’t give the ball to a kid, which he usually does after a score.

Here’s a list of things Peppers did after the game to parlay on his douchebaggery:

1. Found some orphans living on the street, just so he could spit in their faces.

2. Pooped on a passed-out homeless man.

3. Swung a crowbar at Ha Ha Clinton-Dix’s knees, shouting, “The next time you disrespect me on the sideline, it’ll be your kids’ knees!”
Arizona Cardinals (6-2) – Previously: #3 – The Cardinals had a bye, so now is a good time to mention that someone on the air – I can’t remember who it was, or which network – had the following to say about Arizona’s front office:

“Pro Football Talk awarded Steve Keim the general manager of the year.”

Not that Steve Keim isn’t great, but since when does anyone care about PFT’s awards? I didn’t even know PFT gave out awards. I’ll have to check them out, as they probably have the Most Dead NFL Analyst ready for Terry Bradshaw each year.
Denver Broncos (7-1) – Previously: #5 – So much for the national media’s claim that Peyton Manning is back. It was ridiculous to ignore all the dead ducks he threw in the victory against the Packers. Manning’s done, and nothing, save for a bionic arm, is going to change that.

Speaking of Manning, does anyone else feel sorry for that poor guy who drove all the way from Ohio just to collect Manning’s ball – not that there’s anything wrong with that – only to see Manning come two yards shy of breaking Brett Favre’s all-time mark? I hope that Prince Peyton at least paid for the guy’s gas.

Oh, and of course, here were some memorable tweets from Jim Irsay during the Colts game:

GUISE IVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS DAY AT LEAST SINCE THE LAST TIME WE WINNED VS PAYTON IN THE PLAYOFF. PAYTONS GOING DOWN!!!

SO SOMOENE1 JUST TOLD ME PAYTONS GOING FOR BRETT FARVE’S RECORD IN OUR HOUSE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN! I ORDERED THE PLAYERS TO SLIP ACID INTO HIS GATERADE IF NEED BE!!

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TOUCH DOWN COLT!!! HA TAKE THAT PAYTON MANNIG YOU TRATOR HOW COULD YOU LEAVE MY COLT!?!?

“@ColtsFan Didn’t you cut him, Jim?” SHUT YOU’RE PIE HOLE I CUT HIM ONLY FOR $$$ I EXPACTED HIM TO SIGN BACK FOR CHEAP $

ANOTHER TOUCHED DOWN!!! MAN WERE GONNA RUN PAYTON OUT OF THE BUILDING KINDA LIKE I DID IN 2010 LOLOLOLOL

“@ColtsFan That was 2012, Jim” SHUT UP YOUR AND ASKHOLE IVE BEEN DOING SO MANY DRUGS I CANT KEEP MY YEARS STR8

NO WAIT ROGER GODALL’S GOING TO YELL AT ME AGAIN I WAS J/K ABOUT THE DRUGS, OK MAYBE SOME BLOW WITH HOOKERS BUT NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT

OH NO PRINCE PAYTON TIED THIS AT 17 NO WERE GONNA LOSTED HOW CAN I GET RID OF PAYTON HEY PAYTON COME BACK PLZ

TOUCH DOWN COLT!!! WERE WINNING AGAIN!!! I KNEW PAYTON IS SUX!!!!!!!!! OH AND NOW AQUIB TABILB IS POKING PPL IN THE EYE STAY CLASSY BRONCOS OR SHOULD I SAY BRONC-HOES!!!!

GOOD BUY PRINCE PAYTON BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME LOOKS LIKE YOUR NEVER BRAKING BRETT FARVE’S RECORD YOU LOOSER HEY PAYON CHICKEN PARM TASTE SO GOOD!!!!
Green Bay Packers (6-2) – Previously: #6 – I wouldn’t hit the panic button on the Packers just yet. They just battled two of the top-five teams on the road, both of whom were trying to make emotional/statement victories against them. Yes, this Green Bay team has some major concerns, but much of the talent is there. The Packers also have plenty of time prior to the playoffs to correct these issues, so it still wouldn’t surprise me if they made a late run and reached the Super Bowl.
Seattle Seahawks (4-4) – Previously: #7 – What about the Seahawks? Can they put together numerous victories at the end of the year and make a run to the Super Bowl? Perhaps, and I think we’ll discover their chances right after the bye.

Seattle’s biggest problem is the offensive line. The unit can’t protect for Russell Wilson at all. I’m wondering if Pete Carroll and his coaching staff will come up with some schemes/personnel changes to correct this issue. If so, and Russell Wilson isn’t running for his life every down, the Seahawks will reemerge as one of the top teams in the league. If not, a 9-7ish record is in store for them.
Minnesota Vikings (6-2) – Previously: #8 – I received the following e-mail Monday morning from Joseph J:

I’ve been a Vikings fan my whole life, and I have to say I’m not shocked about the obscenely dirty hit on Bridgewater yesterday. I am, however, pissed off that he’s (Gregg Williams) even allowed to still be in the league.

Let me get this straight: you can beat your wife and it’s fine. You can subject helpless dogs to abuse and it’s all good. If you set up a scheme by which you pay for intentionally injuring players, you can still coach. What does it take to get kicked out?

If Williams had done this to Brady, Rodgers, Manning, or Brees the entire country would be up in arms. F*** him and f*** the Rams.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Teddy Bridgewater isn’t a household name – at least not yet – so no one’s going to talk about this. They should, as Gregg Williams never should’ve been reinstated in the NFL.
Pittsburgh Steelers (5-4) – Previously: #10 – It’s crazy how snake-bitten the Steelers are this year. I discussed the severity of the Ben Roethlisberger injury on the Disaster Ratings page, and I also mentioned the possibility that Mike Tomlin urinated on an Indian burial ground as a cause for the bad luck. Here are some other possibilities:

1. In addition to yelling at Santa Claus, Tomlin went around shouting at the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the Great Big Pumpkin. That’s why the latter never showed up for poor Linus. #DatedReference

2. Tomlin supported one of his players, who wanted to wear something for Breast Cancer Awareness, so a pissed-off Roger Goodell broke a mirror and blamed Tomlin for it.

3. Tomlin told everyone that he didn’t think Caitlyn Jenner was a hero.
Oakland Raiders (4-4) – Previously: #9 – THE RAIDERS ARE (still) IN THE TOP 10 FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE EARLY 2003!

By the way, I love that some idiot Raider fans posting in the comments are saying negative things regarding an opinion I wrote two years ago. All I’ve done since is bet the Raiders each week and mention on the AFC West Preview podcast that I thought Oakland would be competitive this season. Here’s an example of one exchange:

Wow, what an insufferable douche! I’ve been wrong about plenty, but there’s no reason to call me out for something I’ve been completely right about. I can’t imagine this guy having many friends. I’d rather be buddies with someone who smears his boogers all over the place.

NFL Power Rankings: Week 10 – Bottom 10

32. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-6) – Previously: #32 – I received this text from Matvei during the game:

The Jets should play the Benny Hill clown car music over the PA every time Blake Bortles drops back to pass.

It was all fun and games until Bortles back-door covered in what was a brutal spread loss for those who bet the Jets. As someone who was subject to a bad beat this week (Eagles-Cowboys), I fully sympathise.

31. Detroit Lions (1-7) – Previously: #31 – The Lions spent their bye week firing general managers and designing new helmets. Look at how pretty they are:

30. Houston Texans (3-5) – Previously: #29 – Do you know how much money the Texans have cost people this year? I’m not talking about their inability to cover the spread most weeks; it’s that they were blown out thrice this year, and all three games misled everyone. At the time, everyone thought the Chiefs, Falcons and Dolphins were better than they actually were because of those lopsided victories. Yet, those teams are a combined 2-12 against the spread since, with the two winsbeing by Kansas City versus Landry Jones and the decaying Lions.

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6) – Previously: #30 – Did you know that Fathead and Nike are coming out with new Colin Kaepernick apparel? It looks pretty cool! Check them out:

I think I’m going to order a few of those Fatheads for my office.

28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-5) – Previously: #28 – It’s not usual that home fans will boo a player of theirs who catches eight passes for 152 yards, but that’s what happened Sunday. Mike Evans dropped a ridiculous six balls, perhaps costing his team a victory. Worry not, Bucs fans, as this latest defeat will help you land a better spot in the 2016 NFL Draft. With that in mind, makes sure you cheer Evans the next time he drops a pass.

27. Baltimore Ravens (2-6) – Previously: #26 – Because the Ravens had a bye, here’s the Week 9 NFL Recap, including Chargers-Bears.

26. Cleveland Browns (2-7) – Previously: #25 – A Browns fan who e-mails me each week told me that he was going to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the Thursday night game. He had a feeling he would be disappointed going in. Here’s how his night went:

My wings sucked, the girl next to me was fat as hell, and a friend from the YMCA showed up in the middle of the second qtr with no interest in either team and wanted to talk for two qtrs about all the females at the Y.

I wonder what was worse? The game, the conversation, or the fat girl. Wait, duh, always the fat girl.

25. Washington Redskins (3-5) – Previously: #24 – Oh, Redskins receivers, what could have been. I think you know what it’s time for…

The Adventures of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask!

Derek Anderson: Ohhhh loook whhooos iitt iissss ititsss DeesSeannn Jaasskinnss anndndd Pieerre Garrccoon hic!

DeSean Jackson: What is up, home slice?

Derek Anderson: Whhiooo uyyewww calliinn hoomme slliiccee? Dooo yoouu wanantt aa siipp frooomm myyu maggicic fllassskk?

Pierre Garcon: Haw haw haw, mais oui!

DeSean Jackson: Excuse my French brother here. Of course we would. We need all the help we can get to beat the Patriots, and quite frankly, a distraction from Kirk Cousins would be quite welcome. Let me summon my other home slices as well.

*** Ten minutes later ***

DeSean Jackson: Ohhh mann feeells soooo goododo riiirghht noowow.

Pierre Garcon: Hawww hahahww mammasiis ooiuuttii saaccree bllleeyuuu hahaww hahahawwwww!

Jordan Reed: Oohh sooo gllaladd tooo havavee a breeakk froomm Kirik Cooususinss.

Kirk Cousins: Hey guys, what’s going on? Can I join in?

DeSean Jackson: Yooiur’eee noot a hoome slliice hic! GOooo aawwayay.

Jamison Crowder: Yewww liikkee thahaat! Yyewww llikek thahat hic! Whhahatt a loossser.

Jordan Reed: Hheyeyyguuyyss yooee lliiekkke thhahat? Yyueww llikeek thattttt hic?!? Waaiit whaatt doo we likkee I foforget?

Pierre Garcon: Jjeee nneneee vveeuuxx ppaaass quuueee hic!

Kirk Cousins: Oh man, you guys are no fun. I’ll still throw to you though. Please catch the ball?

24. Tennessee Titans (2-6) – Previously: #27 – Coaching changes on non-bye weeks are usually no good, but I guess Ken Whisenhunt was so inept that it helped. Speaking of, another text from Matvei:

Do you think Whiz is still in the Houston stadium, staring at the field and waiting for the fifth quarter to start?

23. Miami Dolphins (3-5) – Previously: #19 – Congratulations to PC Head Coach for graduating from the Andy Reid School of Bad Clock Management! What PC Head Coach did at the end of the first half was a true masterpiece. I imagine Reid was at home, clutching cheese steaks with both hands, sobbing tears of joy upon watching his star pupil surpass him.

NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. St. Louis Rams (4-4). Previously: #11
12. Philadelphia Eagles (4-4). Previously: #14
13. Buffalo Bills (4-4). Previously: #18
14. New York Giants (5-4). Previously: #15
15. Indianapolis Colts (4-5). Previously: #20
16. New Orleans Saints (4-5). Previously: #12
17. New York Jets (5-3). Previously: #16
18. Atlanta Falcons (6-3). Previously: #13
19. Dallas Cowboys (2-6). Previously: #17
20. Chicago Bears (3-5). Previously: #22
21. San Diego Chargers (2-6). Previously: #21
22. Kansas City Chiefs (3-5). Previously: #23

Fantasy Football Studs and Scrubs

Top Fantasy Quarterbacks:

Cam Newton: 15-of-30, 297 yards. 3 TDs, 1 INT. 9 carries, 57 rush yards. 1 rush TD.

Aaron Rodgers: 25-of-48, 369 yards. 4 TDs, 1 INT. 4 carries, 22 rush yards. 1 2-pt conversion.

Drew Brees: 28-of-39, 387 yards. 3 TDs, 1 INT. 1 rush TD.

Marcus Mariota: 28-of-39, 371 yards. 4 TDs, 0 INTs.

Derek Carr: 24-of-44, 301 yards. 4 TDs, 1 INT.

Matt Cassel: 25-of-38, 299 yards. 3 TDs, 1 INT. 2 carries, 17 rush yards.

Blake Bortles: 24-of-40, 381 yards. 2 TDs, 2 INTs. 4 carries, 32 rush yards. 1 fumble.

Ben Roethlisberger: 24-of-44, 334 yards. 2 TDs, 1 INT. 1 2-pt conversion.

Andy Dalton: 21-of-27, 234 yards. 3 TDs, 0 INTs.

Andrew Luck: 21-of-36, 252 yards. 2 TDs, 0 INTs. 6 carries, 34 rush yards.

Top Fantasy Running Backs:

DeAngelo Williams: 27 carries, 170 yards. 2 TDs. 2 catches, 55 rec. yards. 1 2-pt conversion.

Lamar Miller: 12 carries, 44 yards. 2 TDs. 7 catches, 97 rec. yards.

Karlos Williams: 9 carries, 110 yards. 2 TDs.

Jeremy Langford: 18 carries, 72 yards. 1 TD. 3 catches, 70 rec. yards. 1 2-pt conversion.

DeMarco Murray: 18 carries, 83 yards. 1 TD. 6 catches, 78 rec. yards.

Adrian Peterson: 29 carries, 125 yards. 1 TD. 2 catches, 18 rec. yards.

LeGarrette Blount: 29 carries, 129 yards. 1 TD.

LeSean McCoy: 16 carries, 112 yards. 1 TD.

James Starks: 10 carries, 39 yards. 6 catches, 83 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD. 1 fumble.

Danny Woodhead: 6 carries, 33 yards. 6 catches, 78 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Todd Gurley: 24 carries, 89 yards. 1 TD. 3 catches, 20 rec. yards.

Chris Ivory: 23 carries, 26 yards. 2 TDs. 3 catches, 22 rec. yards.

Frank Gore: 28 carries, 83 yards. 1 TD. 1 catch, 19 rec. yards.

Devonta Freeman: 12 carries, 12 yards. 8 catches, 67 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Ryan Mathews: 11 carries, 67 yards. 1 TD.

Top Fantasy Wide Receivers:

Antonio Brown: 2 carries, 22 rush yards. 17 catches, 284 yards. 1 fumble.

Cole Beasley: 9 catches, 112 yards. 2 TDs.

Sammy Watkins: 8 catches, 168 yards. 1 TD.

Michael Crabtree: 7 catches, 108 yards. 2 TDs.

Jordan Matthews: 9 catches, 133 yards. 1 TD.

Allen Hurns: 5 catches, 122 yards. 1 TD.

Dez Bryant: 5 catches, 104 yards. 1 TD.

Randall Cobb: 4 catches, 99 yards. 1 TD.

Alshon Jeffery: 10 catches, 151 yards.

Emmanuel Sanders: 6 catches, 90 yards. 1 TD.

Amari Cooper: 7 catches, 88 yards. 1 TD.

Mike Evans: 8 catches, 152 yards. 1 fumble.

Eric Decker: 6 catches, 79 yards. 1 TD.

Julio Jones: 10 catches, 137 yards.

Devin Funchess: 3 catches, 71 yards. 1 TD.

Brandin Cooks: 4 catches, 71 yards. 1 TD.

Allen Robinson: 6 catches, 121 yards.

Bryan Walters: 5 catches, 54 yards. 1 TD.

Davante Adams: 7 catches, 93 yards. 1 2-pt conversion.

Mohamed Sanu: 1 carry, 25 rush yards. 1 rush TD. 3 catches, 25 yards.

Top Fantasy Tight Ends:

Tyler Eifert: 5 catches, 53 rec. yards. 3 rec. TDs.

Delanie Walker: 7 catches, 95 rec. yards. 2 rec. TDs.

Owen Daniels: 6 catches, 102 rec. yards. 1 rec. TD.

Richard Rodgers: 5 catches, 19 rec. yards. 2 rec. TDs.

Garrett Celek: 2 catches, 12 rec. yards. 2 rec. TDs.

Top Fantasy IDP:

Brandon Graham: 7 tackles, 2 sacks, 2 forced fumbles.

Marcus Williams: 3 tackles, 0.5 sack, 2 INTs.

Jordan Hicks: 6 tackles, 1 INT, 1 TD.

Jerry Hughes: 3 tackles, 2 sacks, 1 forced fumble.

Jason Verrett: 1 INT, 1 TD.

Thomas Davis: 6 tackles, 1 sack, 1 INT.

Carlos Dunlap: 4 tackles, 2 sacks.

Lorenzo Mauldin: 4 tackles, 2 sacks.

Brian Orakpo: 4 tackles, 2 sacks.

Lamarr Houston: 2 tackles, 2 sacks.

Johnathan Cyprien: 13 tackles.

D.J. Hayden: 13 tackles.

Eric Weddle: 13 tackles.

Jonathan Anderson: 12 tackles.

T.J. Ward: 12 tackles.

Fantasy Scrubs of the Week:

Eddie Lacy: 5 carries, 10 yards.

Nick Foles: 18-of-33, 168 yards. 0 TDs, 0 INTs.

Kirk Cousins: 22-of-40, 217 yards. 1 TD, 1 INT.

Ryan Tannehill: 27-of-36, 309 yards. 0 TDs, 0 INTs. 1 catch, 9 rec. yards. 1 fumble.

Ronnie Hillman: 7 carries, 1 yard.

Alfred Morris: 4 carries, 10 yards.

Doug Martin: 11 carries, 31 yards. 2 catches, 12 rec. yards. 1 fumble.

Matt Jones: 11 carries, 27 yards. 2 catches, 17 rec. yards. 1 fumble.

C.J. Anderson: 7 carries, 34 yards. 1 catch, 4 rec. yards.

Rashad Jennings: 13 carries, 48 yards. 1 catch, -1 rec. yards.

Jeremy Hill: 15 carries, 52 yards. 1 catch, 0 rec. yards.

Melvin Gordon: 11 carries, 31 yards. 3 catches, 25 rec. yards.

Mike Wallace: 1 catch, 4 yards.

DeSean Jackson: 3 catches, 15 yards.

Donte Moncrief: 3 catches, 30 yards.

Stefon Diggs: 3 catches, 42 yards.

Demaryius Thomas: 5 catches, 50 yards.

Jordan Cameron: 1 catch, 6 rec. yards.

Charles Clay: 1 catch, 6 rec. yards.

Kyle Rudolph: 2 catches, 30 rec. yards.

Heath Miller: 3 catches, 32 rec. yards.

Gary Barnidge: 2 catches, 35 rec. yards.

Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:

Something new this year – I’m keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it’ll be broken down by week. Here are the download links:

2015 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet (2007 Excel)

2015 NFL Defensive Rankings Spreadsheet – (1999-2003 Excel)

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