2011 NFL Power Rankings: Week 7
Week 6 Top Fantasy Performers, Defenses

1. Green Bay Packers (6-0) – Previously: #1 – For those who didn’t see it, A.J. Hawk apparently flipped the bird to the Packer bench during the blowout over St. Louis.
   
   What was that all about? Well, I believe that Hawk wasn’t giving his team the finger; I think he was doing that to my friend Kenny.
   
   Kenny, who actually sat next to me in my high school Internet class 12 years ago where this Web site was created, texted me on Friday: “The Rams are my lock of the month.”
   
   I told him not to bet against Aaron Rodgers, but he didn’t listen. The following Facebook exchange took place the night before the game:
   
   Kenny: Lets go Rams!!!!! woot woo!!!
   
   Me: Have you burned your money yet, or are you waiting until after?
   
   Kenny: Hahahahahahahaha, I’ll wait until after the game.
   
   Me: For the record, I don’t like the Packers either. It’s a zero-unit pick for me. But I don’t know how anyone in their right mind can take the Rams.
   
   Kenny: I’m not in my right mind.
   
   Me: True. I forgot. BTW, RSVP to my Halloween party already.
   
   Kenny: Dude, i have a wedding in TX that wknd. i couldnt believe I have another wedding that keep me away from another Walt party. I was pretty heartbroken.
   
   Me: Wedding shmedding.
   
   People, this is a public service announcement: Do not bet against Aaron Rodgers. He’s 28-13 against the spread since 2009.
   
   Oh, and don’t skip cool Halloween parties to go to weddings either.
   
   
2. New England Patriots (5-1) – Previously: #2 – I was listening to 610 WIP, Philly’s sports talk station, and one of the host’s interns mentioned a certain Chad Ochocinco tweet. I checked Ochocinco’s Twitter account and couldn’t find it, so maybe he deleted it. But here’s what the intern said that Ochocinco tweeted:
   
   If you have me on your fantasy team, don’t trade me. I’ve always been a slow starter. I was a virgin until I was a senior.
   
   FANTASY ALERT! FANTASY ALERT! FANTASY ALERT! DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRADE CHAD OCHOCINCO! I REPEAT! DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TRADE CHAD OCHOCINCO! FANTASY ALERT! FANTASY ALERT! FANTASY ALERT!
   
   Oh, and Ochocino was a virgin until he was a senior in college? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
   
   
3. New Orleans Saints (4-2) – Previously: #3 – Yesterday was a blood bath for coaches. Sean Payton tore his MCL. Tampa’s defensive coordinator also got hurt. And then there was Jim Schwartz, who apparently was stabbed in the back by Jim Harbaugh during their post-game handshake.
   
   The Payton thing was weird. Seeing him coach from the bench was strange, but the report that he was signaling plays while watching the game on TV in the locker room was weirder. Aren’t games on TV delayed broadcasts? Wouldn’t this interfere with him coaching? I wouldn’t be shocked if the following exchange took place:
   
   Sean Payton: Let’s run the ball with Pierre Thomas!
   
   Assistant Coach: We can’t do that, Sean.
   
   Sean Payton: Why not? It’s fourth down, and I want to screw all Mark Ingram owners by running the ball with Pierre, God damn it!
   
   Assistant Coach: Uhh… Sean… we turned the ball over on downs like three minutes ago.
   
   
4. Baltimore Ravens (4-1) – Previously: #4 – Funny quote by Dan Dierdorf during the Ravens-Texans game:
   
   That throw by Joe Flacco on a scale of 10, was a 10!
   
   A scale of 10, eh? Wouldn’t every single pass be a 10 on a scale of 10? Hell, under those circumstances, I could play quarterback in the NFL and throw perfect 10s every week.
   
   
5. San Francisco 49ers (5-1) – Previously: #10 – Yes, the Niners are No. 5. I can’t believe I’m ranking an Alex Smith-quarterback team so high, but San Francisco’s defense is amazing. The 49ers also have a great running game, and Smith is actually competent under Harbaugh. The kicker is that this team has only played one NFC West game so far, meaning they’ll really have a chance to pile up the wins once they start beating up on the Cardinals and Rams.
   
   
6. Buffalo Bills (4-2) – Previously: #6 – I’m not going to penalize the Bills at all because they lost by three points as three-point underdogs without their best defensive player, Kyle Williams.
   
   Anyway, let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them:
   
   1. “i gotta say that last game really put a knife in my stomache”
   
   The pain was so bad that the “e” at the end of stomach became silent.
   
   2. “ronnie brown havent done much this season”
   
   And here I thought the Eagles were going to run a 2-RB system.
   
   3. “CAM NEWTON GOING TWO PUT POINT ON DA SCORE BOARD FOR CAROLINA AND WIN IT ALL;”
   
   Just like you’re going to get a two (or should I say “too?”) out of 100 on your next spelling test?
   
   
7. Detroit Lions (5-1) – Previously: #5 – What the hell was that Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz fight all about? Luckily, I can tell you the answer because I called both of them up to get the real story:
   
   Me: Hey Jim, thanks for joining me. And Jim, thanks for joining me too. I want to clear something up. What exactly was that fight…
   
   Jim Harbaugh: WEEEEE WOOOOOONN WEEEEE WOOOOONNNNN WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   
   Jim Schwartz: Dude, that was two days ago.
   
   Jim Harbaugh: F*** YEAH!!!!!!!! 5-1 BABY!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
   
   Jim Schwartz: Stop yelling, you’re hurting my ear drums.
   
   Jim Harbaugh: I CAN YELL HOW LOUD THE F*** I WANT BECAUSE I F***ING WON AND YOU F***ING LOST HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
   
   Jim Schwartz: If you don’t stop yelling Jim, I swear I will get my older brother to beat you up!
   
   Jim Harbaugh: NO ONE CAN F***ING TOUCH ME BECAUSE I’M F***ING FIVE AND F***ING ONE, BABY!!!!!!!!!!! HAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
   
   Jim Schwartz: That’s it, mister! I’m definitely telling my brother to beat you up!
   
   Jim Harbaugh: I WON THE BATTLE OF THE JIMS! THE BATTLE OF THE F***ING JIMS IS MINE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   
   Me: Shut up already, Harbaugh. If I had an older brother, I’d get him to beat you up as well.
   
   
8. San Diego Chargers (4-1) – Previously: #7 – You know you’ve watched/read too much Game of Thrones when you hear Philip Rivers’ name and think, “Philip Rivers has a bastard name. He must be a bastard born in the Trident.” I think I’m going to call Rivers “Trident Bastard” from now on.
   
   And by the way, I feel like we need to go back to bastard names based on location. For instance, any bastards born in Philly should have the last name “Bell” (as in Liberty Bell). In St. Louis, they can be named “Arch.” In Texas, “Lonestar” (or just “Star”). In Minnesota, “Lake.” In Pittsburgh, “Steel.” In Vegas, “Gamble” or maybe even “Hooker.”
   
   As you can see, I’ve put a lot of thought into this.
   
   
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2) – Previously: #8 – A funny quote from forum member Descendency that I forgot to include a couple of weeks ago – when Ben Roethlisberger suffered an injury against the Texans, someone reported the news in our live in-games thread. Descendency immediately replied:
   
   Did he slip in the bathroom?
   
   Hey, say what you want about Roethlisberger’s night life – those bathroom visits can be treacherous.
   
   
10. New York Giants (4-2) – Previously: #9 – So, the Giants lose straight up as 10-point home favorites against the Seahawks, and then beat the 4-1 Bills? How does that make any sense? I’m beginning to think that Eli Manning was the only one in his Survivor pool not to take the Giants, so he purposely tanked the Seattle game.
    
    If that’s the case, congrats on your $50, Eli, or whatever the hell you won.
    
    

32. Miami Dolphins (0-5) – Previously: #32 – A recap of the Jets-Dolphins game:

1. The Dolphins outgained New York in the first half, 215-100. The Jets had only one drive prior to intermission in which they had a first down. Yet, the Jets led 14-6.

If you saw what happened, you know the Dolphins were royally screwed. Darrelle Revis flat-out mugged Brandon Marshall inside the 5-yard line. Marshall was knocked away, allowing Revis to pick-six Matt Moore’s pass.

This drew the ire of Jon Gruden, who nearly had an aneurysm complaining about the non-call. It was pretty ridiculous.

Later, Marshall ran out of bounds on what should have been a score, and then dropped a touchdown in the end zone, forcing Miami to settle for a field goal. Mark Sanchez then finally found some rhythm and scored a touchdown, which completely deflated the Dolphins, who gave up in the second half.

2. This game was such crap that I don’t feel like talking about it anymore. Let me just say that if the Dolphins had any sort of competent owner, Tony Sparano would be fired tomorrow. Unfortunately for Miami fans, Stephen Ross is one of the worst owners in the NFL because he only cares about chilling with B-list celebrities.

I had the Dolphins going 3-13 in my 2011 NFL Season Preview, but I’ll be shocked if they win two games this year.

31. St. Louis Rams (0-5) – Previously: #31 – E-mailer James M., who referenced something I wrote in my fantasy rankings during the summer:

Well, it took 6+ weeks, but we finally know who St. Louis’ Brandon Lloyd will be!

Funny how that worked out. Go here for my analysis of the Brandon Lloyd to the Rams trade.

30. Indianapolis Colts (0-6) – Previously: #30 – Some people say the Colts are 0-6 because Peyton Manning is injured. That’s a bunch of bull crap. Clearly, this guy is entirely to blame for the team’s 0-6 start:



29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-5) – Previously: #29 – When I saw that the Jaguars were hosting the Ravens on Monday Night Football next week, I quickly jotted down the following for future use in these power rankings or the NFL Picks page:

MNF game vs. Ravens ffffff ploy to help Jax sell out stadium

I can’t explain the random f’s – I must have been super drunk – but the rest is legit. The only reason the Jaguars are hosting TWO Monday night games this year is because the NFL wants to help Jacksonville sell out as many games as possible to keep the team from moving. So, as stupid as ESPN is, don’t blame them for this upcoming crappy contest.

28. Arizona Cardinals (1-4) – Previously: #28 – The Cardinals are coming off a bye, so here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (all from some bozo named 13azcardinals):

1. excuse my french cardinals, unless the lose this vidal game 2morro

French? The French are not illiterate like you.

2. “if cards win will they bee first in nfc west??????”

Keep dreaming, bud.

3. “we may have lost but were way better thannn them!!!!!!!!!!!!!go cards including kurtis eungene warner”

Going out on a limb here, but I don’t think Kurt Warner’s middle name is “Eungene.”

27. Minnesota Vikings (1-5) – Previously: #24 – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Sorry, I was sleepwalking. You know, like the Vikings did at Chicago on Sunday night.

Seriously, that was pathetic. Minnesota is not 29 points worse than the Bears. The team just didn’t try hard for some unknown reason.

The next time the Vikings decide to mail it in, I hope Leslie Frazier e-mails me before I bet $300 on his team.

26. Cleveland Browns (2-3) – Previously: #27 – I totally agree with the Browns players who criticized Peyton Hillis for not playing with strep throat. Strep throat is a pansy injury. I don’t care if Hillis lost 15 pounds or even 50 pounds; he should have suited up. I mean, what’s next? Is someone going to declare himself out because he has the Ebola virus? Maybe I’m crazy, but the Ebola virus should not prohibit you from playing on Sundays.

25. Seattle Seahawks (2-3) – Previously: #26 – Pete Carroll hasn’t really proven himself as a good NFL coach yet, but he’s much better by Jim Mora Jr. by default. I mention Mora because he really annoyed me during the Saints-Buccaneers broadcast.

At one point during the game, Josh Freeman missed an open Kellen Winslow Jr. because he had pressure in his face. Winslow then started yelling at Freeman, prompting Mora to go off on a rant about how much he hated poor teammates like Winslow because it causes a divide in the locker room.

I actually really liked what Mora had to say – until five minutes later when he began apologizing profusely. It went something like this:

I’m sory. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love Kellen Winslow Jr. I didn’t mean to say that about him. He’s a great player. One of the best tight ends in the NFL. I’d just really like to apologize. I’m sorry.

Ugh. And here I was thinking that an announcer wouldn’t be afraid to criticize a player or a coach. I guess that’s just wishful thinking.

24. Denver Broncos (1-4) – Previously: #25 – Man, John Elway and John Fox sure love to screw Tim Tebow over. First, Elway publicly stated that Tebow is not a legitimate starting quarterback. Then, Fox started the crappy and overrated Kyle Orton over him. And now, Elway dealt Tebow’s best weapon away for a mere fifth-round pick. It’s like they don’t want him to succeed.

For their next act, Elway and Fox plan to kidnap Tebow’s parents and will return them only if Tebow tosses 20 interceptions over the next four games.

23. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) – Previously: #23 – The Chiefs had a bye, so I want to use this space to express my extreme dissatisfaction regarding the Mayne Event that airs during the final hour of Sunday NFL Countdown.

I’m so sick of the Mayne Event. I loved it a few years ago, but it just keeps getting worse and worse. Chris Berman’s not even fake laughing at it anymore.

I promise that if I ever start mailing it in like Kenny Mayne, I’m going to quit this Web site.


2011 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Dallas Cowboys (2-3). Previously: #12
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-2). Previously: #15
13. Philadelphia Eagles (2-4). Previously: #17
14. Houston Texans (3-3). Previously: #10
15. New York Jets (3-3). Previously: #14
16. Chicago Bears (3-3). Previously: #19
17. Atlanta Falcons (3-3). Previously: #20
18. Cincinnati Bengals (4-2). Previously: #22
19. Oakland Raiders (4-2). Previously: #9
20. Tennessee Titans (3-2). Previously: #16
21. Carolina Panthers (1-5). Previously: #21
22. Washington Redskins (3-2). Previously: #18