Michael Vick Shouldn’t Be Reinstated

Michael Vick Doesn’t Deserve a Second Chance

(NOTE: The first four paragraphs contain spoilers from the fifth season of LOST. If you don’t want to be spoiled, skip down below the ad box to Paragraph 5)

The day after Sayid shot a 12-year-old kid in the middle of the fifth season of LOST, my friend Josh called me up from work to discuss the show, when he should have been, you know, actually working.

“Sayid’s a goner,” Josh opined, while wasting hundreds of his employer’s dollars. “You’ll see, he’ll be dead by the end of this season.”

His reasoning behind this? Sayid did something unredeemable. He tried to murder a child. Sure, that child would grow up to kill hundreds of people, lie at every opportunity and attempt to enslave a woman to be “his,” but you still can’t shoot an innocent kid who hasn’t done anything yet besides piss off his drunken dad every day.

We don’t know if Sayid’s dead, but he took a bullet from Roger Linus and appeared to be on his way to looking for work on another show. This was the Island’s way of telling Sayid, “You’ve done some horrible things in the past, but I’ve ignored them. But you can’t shoot a kid, dude. Penalty? Epic debaclation.”

Well, I’m hoping that Roger Goodell is just as strict as Jacob, Esau, Christian, Black Smoke Monster and any other biblical character who resides on the Island.

All of this talk about Michael Vick coming back sickens me. 49ers head coach Mike Singletary stated that he wouldn’t mind pursuing Vick in the future. ESPN suggests the Rams could be really interested in the ex-con. Meanwhile, Tony Dungy visited Vick in prison (the two played Scrabble, and Vick was disappointed to learn that “Dogkiller” is two words, and therefore unusable.)

Even Alex Trebek look-alike Arthur Blank declared that Vick deserves a second chance.

“There’s no question Michael’s paid his debt to society,” Blank opined.

No question, eh? Goodell definitely has some questions, as he declared that he won’t reinstate Vick unless he shows “remorse.” Let’s hope by that “remorse,” Goodell’s thought process is, “Yeah, I’m not going to reinstate that scumbag, but I’m just saying politically correct things so that those idiots who supported Vick a few years ago don’t come at me with pitchforks and torches.”

As with Sayid, what Vick did was unredeemable. Vick electrocuted innocent dogs. Vick hanged innocent dogs. Vick drowned innocent dogs. Vick threw innocent dogs against the ground until they were dead. You don’t get to come back from that. You don’t deserve a second chance after doing inhumane things like that. If Vick were on a TV show, he would have been killed off already, perhaps karmically electrocuted, hanged, drowned and debacled at the same time – if that’s even possible.

I don’t care how many times he insincerely apologizes by reading stuff he scribbled on a napkin. I don’t care if he teams up with PETA in an attempt to teach teenagers how to monetize dog fighting and ask for a cut prevent teenagers from engaging in dog fighting. And I really don’t care how many coaches claim that he deserves a second chance. There’s nothing redeemable about slaying hundreds of animals whose only goals are to eat, poop and love their owner back unconditionally.

I own two dogs, so maybe I’m biased. Or maybe I’m just not a moron. But what I can honestly tell you is that if I were a fan of Team X, and Team X decided to sign Vick, I would cancel my season tickets immediately. I would urge other fans to do the same.

Besides watching a quarterback who has been out of football for three years, just ask yourselves this – would you be willing to cheer for a mass murderer?

Actually, now that I think about it, I’ll have to concede that most people would. Ben must be the most popular character on LOST for a reason.

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