2010 NFL Power Rankings: Final Regular Season
Week 17 Fantasy Performers, Defenses, League Leaders

1. New England Patriots (14-2) – Previously: #1 – Tom Brady will win the MVP, but the Coach of the Year award better not go to Turd Haley or anyone like that. Bill Belichick deserves it. Everyone thought this was a re-building New England team at the beginning of the season.
   
   So, how do you stop the Patriots? E-mailer Suraj L. has an idea:
   
   The Patriots have one key flaw – they cannot stop white running backs. Peyton Hillis (who is awesome – go Browns) and John Kuhn (and friends) ran wild against the Pats. So, whichever NFC team makes it to the Super Bowl should sign 20-30 unemployed white guys to play running back to confuse and defeat the Patriots.
   
   
2. Green Bay Packers (10-6) – Previously: #2 – Not the convincing win I wanted out of my No. 2 team, but the Packers got the job done against the Bears in a must-win.
   
   It’s a great day for Green Bay fans. Not only did the Packers get into the postseason; Brett Favre also retired, which means we won’t have to stab pencils into our ears every time Chris Berman and Tom Jackson have a nauseatingly annoying 30-minute conversation about the league’s all-time leader in interceptions, drama and wang texts.
   
   Speaking of which, forum member Midguy was able to record a conversation between Favre and NFL officials when they slapped him with a $50,000 fine:
   
   NFL: Brett, show us your phone.
   Favre: Nope.
   NFL: YOU LEAVE US NO CHOICE! $50,000 FINE!
   Favre: Ok, lol.
   
   
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) – Previously: #3 – Impressive win, Steelers. Congrats on reducing Colt McCoy’s life expectancy by about 15 years.
   
   If you haven’t noticed, there’s a comment board below these power rankings where you can tell me how stupid I am. Most people last week had a problem with my placement of the Cowboys (too high), Bears (too low) and Chiefs (too low).
   
   Speaking of the Cowboys, here’s some NFL Draft-related hate mail I received from someone who calls himself Aggie Fan:
   
   HEY IDIOT THE COWBOYS DO NOT NEED ANOTHER F***ING CORNERBACK, THEY NEED OFFENSIVE LINEMAN, BESIDE YOU CAN PICK A CORNERBACK UP IN FREE AGENCY.
   
   My response:
   
   YOU CAN PICK UP AN OFFENSIVE LINEMAN IN FREE AGENCY TOO RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE
   
   
4. Baltimore Ravens (12-4) – Previously: #4 – If you’re wondering – and I know you are – my Super Bowl pick at the beginning of the year was Packers over Ravens. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to change my AFC representitive to New England, thanks.
   
   Still, I’m glad that both of my Super Bowl teams made the postseason. And please, let’s all forget that I had the Cowboys and Texans losing the NFC and AFC Championships. Yeah, I never said that.
   
   
5. New Orleans Saints (11-5) – Previously: #5 – Marques Colston is hurt. Both running backs are injured. Everyone expects the Saints to win. The Seahawks have nothing to lose. Crazier things have happened in the NFL.
   
   Speaking of the Saints’ playoff chances, FOX color analyst Charles Davis said this gem during the New Orleans-Tampa Bay contest:
   
   “Wasn’t it just Tuesday that everyone was saying the Saints were the team no one wanted to play in the playoffs? Well they may have found their kryptonite in the Buccaneers.”
   
   You do know they crushed Tampa earlier in the year, right Chaz? Well, at least Chaz didn’t say that Josh Freeman is 100-percent USDA Man or anything.
   
   
6. Atlanta Falcons (13-3) – Previously: #7 – A ruined suit. What is something that Alex Trebek Arthur Blank has in his closet right now because of the No. 1 seed?
   
   The Falcons shouldn’t be too thrilled though. One more touchdown and Carolina would have covered the spread. As forum member CKane noted, John Fox should put that he almost covered the 14.5 point spread in the first half of that game on his resume. That’s better than anything he’s accomplished in the past two years.
   
   
7. Chicago Bears (11-5) – Previously: #9 – I’m all for playing your starters – but not when your quarterback is getting beaten into the turf on every other play. Jay Cutler was at high risk Sunday.
   
   At any rate, the red-hot Rachel Nichols broke some news prior to the Green Bay-Chicago game: “The Bears want to win today.”
   
   Hmm… And here I thought the Bears wanted to lose. I should have picked them to cover the spread. I’m an idiot!
   
   
8. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6) – Previously: #6 – The offensive line and defense are in shambles. And if that’s not enough, Andy Reid actually told the media that he might bench QB Dog Killer during the playoffs. Reid better be careful, or Barack Obama’s going to call his house and scold him.
   
   
9. Indianapolis Colts (10-6) – Previously: #8 – Like the Eagles, the Colts would have been a Super Bowl contender if it weren’t for all the injuries. What a shame.
   
   This is also a shame – Reggie Wayne was named the starter in the Pro Bowl over Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Lloyd. Wayne has been awful this year by his standards. He actually led the league in drops. How is he starting in the Pro Bowl? Ridiculous.
   
   Other dumb Pro Bowl decisions:
   
   Chad Clifton, OT, NFC: Clifton has been responsible for nine penalties and seven sacks this year. Kareem McKenzie has been incredible this season and deserved the spot more than Clifton.
   
   Jahri Evans, G, NFC: Jahri Evans is a talented guard, but leads all players at his position with 12 penalties. It’s embarrassing that Packers guard Josh Sitton wasn’t voted into the Pro Bowl.
   
   Shaun O’Hara, C, NFC: Shaun O’Hara has barely played this year. Give his spot to Green Bay’s Scott Wells.
   
   Richard Seymour, DT, AFC: Richard Seymour is definitely worthy of a Pro Bowl roster spot, but not if it keeps Buffalo’s Kyle Williams out of the game. Williams has been a monster on Buffalo’s front this season.
   
   Ray Lewis, ILB, AFC: I understand that people want to see Ray Lewis, but I don’t think it’s fair to exclude either Derrick Johnson or Lawrence Timmons.
   
   Darrelle Revis, CB, AFC: Darrelle Revis has been banged up this year. He does not deserve a Pro Bowl spot over Kansas City’s Brandon Flowers, who was perhaps the top corner in the NFL this season.
   
   Charles Woodson, CB, NFC: The wrong Packers corner made the team. Tramon Williams has been much better than Charles Woodson this year.
   
   
10. New York Jets (11-5) – Previously: #10 – The Jets didn’t even want to win Sunday. The Bills should be embarrassed, but they’re used to this sort of futility.
    
    I’m disgusted, so let’s go to Notes from NFL.com GameCenter – a list of a few stupid comments I read on NFL.com’s GameCenter and my thoughts on them (the third from Jeff E.):
    
    1. “THIS GAME ONLINE? WERE”
    
    I SURPRISE GUY WHO TALK LIKE CAVEMAN KNOW HOW TO USE ONLINE
    
    2. “hahahaa no! u da one said ur an punk”
    
    I’m beginning to think that GameCenter only accepts people with IQs lower than 70.
    
    3. “DA NINERZ R DA BEST. WIT GORE N WESTBROOK DATZ WATZ UP. I JUS WISH SINGLETARY HAD TROY SMITH INSTEAD OF ALEX SMITH AS QB”
    
    Apparently, Mike Singletary went on GameCenter and listened to this clown. That’s why Singletary is currently unemployed.
    
    

32. Carolina Panthers (2-14) – Previously: #32 – Forum member “…” said the following during the Atlanta-Carolina game:

Clausen with a -0.2 ypa. Possibly a bigger wasted second-round pick than Dwayne Jarrett.

My response: No. Best second-round pick ever. A more competent quarterback wouldn’t have allowed you to win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

31. Arizona Cardinals (5-11) – Previously: #28 – The Adventure of Derek Anderson’s Magic Flask – season finale!

Anderson: Hic… hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.

John Skelton: The people of Eternia will see you kneel before me, JUST before you die!

Anderson: I knooww yeerrrr trrickzzz. Yerrr not Skeltorrr yerrrr jusss John Skellllon.

Skelton: Crap. You’re right. I’m just some rookie. OK, I agree to take a sip out of your flask.

*** Ten minutes later. ***

Skelton: Hic… hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.

Anderson: Whaaaa??? Thaazzz what I sayy mannn.

Skelton: Not ayymorrree! Yeerrr gonnn bee cut. I’m taknn overrrr the fffflask. Hic.

30. Seattle Seahawks (7-9) – Previously: #31 – The No. 30 team in my NFL Power Rankings has made the playoffs. Unbelievable.

I don’t think a 7-9 team should ever be in the playoffs – especially when a pair of 10-win squads in the same conference (Giants, Buccaneers) blew out that specific team and will be forced to watch the postseason at home this January.

I just don’t get why the Seahawks deserve an automatic bid in the playoffs. Because they’re the best team in their geographic region in one of the two conferences? They’re 100:1 to win the Super Bowl! Eric Mangini has a better chance of dating Erin Andrews than the Seahawks do of going the distance.

29. Buffalo Bills (4-12) – Previously: #24 – A rare intelligent e-mail from a Bills fan (Ron C.):

As a Bills football fan, I enjoy your site. You have to excuse most Bills fans, since I have come across many in my life time. There is a good portion of them that know nothing about football at all. So I apologize for their ignorance, once again, regarding the fact they think Fitzpatrick will be a franchise QB.

Poor Bills. They need Andrew Luck. What they need to do is Photoshop Luck making out with some 14-year-old boy. This will force the Panthers and Broncos to pass on him to avoid negative publicity, allowing Buffalo to scoop him up. Once this happens, the Bills can announce that one of their former interns did this to avoid criticism.

I really don’t see any flaws in this plan.

28. Denver Broncos (4-12) – Previously: #29 – As mentioned, Brandon Lloyd should have been a starter in the Pro Bowl. Unfortunately, this move may have cost him that spot (thanks to VBSiena for this):



Poor Brandon – rejected by a cheerleader, like some lowly Pokemon-playing nerd in high school.

27. San Francisco 49ers (6-10) – Previously: #30 – I love the fact that seemingly all of the 49er linebackers are wearing clubs on their hands. I would love to wear a club on my hand. I’d run around bashing everyone in the head with it. It would be a great time just as long as the police don’t arrest me or anything.

26. Cincinnati Bengals (4-12) – Previously: #27 – Jerome Simpson, Chad Simpson, what’s the difference?

Here are more Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the third from Kevin M.):

1. “TO THINK BACK ON ALL THEM PEOPLE SAYING WAT TILL VICK PLAYS A REDSKIN D HAHAHAHAA”

TO THINK YOU KNOW HOW TO LOG ON TO GAMECENTER AFTER DRINKING 20 BEERS HAHAHAHA.

2. “WOW… No Pun intended, but I watch every Pats game and I always get on here to see what other fans are saying, I have to admit, the dolphins front office better do something quick to make the fans happy. I have never seen so much negativity from a fan toward their team, coaches, players and front office. I feel bad for dolphin fans.”

Forum member Sanchez posted this and asked, “Where’s the pun?” My answer: Puns don’t exist on GameCenter.

3. “wow if fischer aint fired after that one i dont no. they played buy COLLINS in his hover round will probably be back next yr. ATLEAST YOung has legs. not in a HOVERROUND . COLLINS GO HOME YOU YANKEE”

Wow, Titans fans have pretty low standards. All they want is a quarterback who has legs.

25. St. Louis Rams (7-9) – Previously: #20 – St. Louis’ receivers, Sam Bradford, Jerome Boger and Steve Spagnuolo all were to blame for that ugly loss in Seattle. I sat down with Spagnuolo yesterday for an interview:

ME: Hey Steve, thanks for joining me. I need to ask why didn’t you challenge those obvious calls in the Seattle game.

SPAGNUOLO: “I wasn’t sure… They definitely weren’t obvious.”

ME: Are you kidding me? Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth nearly had an aneurysm when they saw some of Boger’s shady calls.

SPAGNUOLO: “Ehh… ehh… I dunno… I hate challenging things… Hard to prove anything nowadays.”

ME: Anything? Like If I said the sky is purple, you wouldn’t throw the red flag?

SPAGNUOLO: “Ehhh… ehhhhhhhhhh… No no no no no no, can’t do it!”

ME: So, if I said you like taking it up the rear end, you wouldn’t challenge that either?

SPAGNUOLO: “Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh… Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad?”

ME: Come on dude… wait, Jerome Boger, what are you doing here?

BOGER: “After further review, jeeezth chritthh… I had no idea you were into that, Stevie. You will go back to my hotel room, jeeezztth.”

ME: Challenge now, Steve! Challenge! You can do it!

SPAGNUOLO: “Ehhhhh… ehh… ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”

BOGER: “The ruling on the field ith confirmed. Steve Spagnuolo will be my lover tonight, jeezztth chrithhh.”

24. Tennessee Titans (6-10) – Previously: #25 – I wish I could include the Dolphins in my Bottom 10, but they’re much better defensively than both the Titans and Redskins. So, these final two capsules will be about Miami.

The first is an e-mail from Tom R:

Here’s an interesting tidbit for you as I now know why the Dolphins lose at home all the time. Ever since they sold pieces of the team to the likes of Gloria Estefan, The Williams sisters and that fag Marc Anthony, they show them every five seconds on the Jumbotron telling the fans to get their “FINS UP” by putting their hand over their head like it is supposed to represent a dolphin fin, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww how f***ing intimidating! FINS UP EVERYONE, FINS UP!!!

If it wasn’t for the four hours we spent at the Cheetah before the game and the hot chicks we did jello shots with I would say it was a wasted trip! See below pic of hot chicks!



Hey, if there are hot chicks involved, I will definitely put my “Fins Up” all night long, if you know what I mean.

23. Washington Redskins (6-10) – Previously: #23 – More Dolphins-related content because Rex Grossman sucks.

I cannot believe that Ronnie Brown was due a $500,000 bonus for 750 rushing yards this season. Really? Half a million for a very pedestrian 750 rushing yards?

Why can’t I get these sort of incentives from FOX Sports? I demand they pay me $500,000 if I can use 55 commas, by, t,h,e, e,,,,n,,d,,,,, ,,,o,,,f,,, ,t,h,is,,,,, se,n,t,e,,,n,c,,,e,,,,,,,,,,,,.


2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (10-6). Previously: #12
12. San Diego Chargers (9-7). Previously: #13
13. New York Giants (10-6). Previously: #15
14. Oakland Raiders (8-8). Previously: #18
15. Kansas City Chiefs (10-6). Previously: #11
16. Detroit Lions (6-10). Previously: #19
17. Dallas Cowboys (6-10). Previously: #14
18. Minnesota Vikings (6-10). Previously: #16
19. Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8). Previously: #17
20. Houston Texans (6-10). Previously: #26
21. Cleveland Browns (5-11). Previously: #21
22. Miami Dolphins (7-9). Previously: #22