I will be publishing all of my random NFL notes that I’ve listed on my NFL Picks pages here so you can easily look back at what I’ve written. This page will be updated each week during the season.
Random NFL Notes: Week 17:
I have to share how terribly upset I am that Chris Berman is retiring. Berman and Tom Jackson were a major reason why I got into football in the first place. I eagerly awaited NFL Primetime to air each Sunday night, and I actually taped all of the episodes from 2002 to 2005. I still have the VHS tapes on my office bookshelf.
It’s upsetting that we won’t ever get an episode of NFL Primetime ever again, so for those of you who are too young to recall how amazing this show was, here’s a clip from Week 10, 2002:
I chose this particular week for numerous reasons. First, it was just an ordinary week in the middle of the season that Berman and Jackson were able to bring to full life with their great enthusiasm, backed, of course, by the killer music that NFL Primetime used to complement its highlights with.
Second, I feel like all of these games were special…
1. The first highlight was that of the Falcons and Steelers in what Berman called “the greatest tie ever.”
2. The second properly displayed how horrible the Bengals were before Marvin Lewis. It reminded me of how bad they were prior to the Lewis hiring, so if you think he should be let go, just watch this.
3. The Texans are an expansion team here, and they’re battling the late Steve McNair, who was going to help his team make a huge run at the end of the season despite playing hurt.
4. It’s Randy Moss! And Mike Tice benching Daunte Culpepper in favor of Todd Bouman! How great is that?
5. If that’s not good enough, Brett Favre passes Joe Montana on the passing list, while Joey Harrington does some cool tricks with the football. The Lions lost 40-14, but at least Harrington was able to roll the ball up his arm!!!
6. The Eagles-Colts game features my favorite NFL Primetime highlight song. They stopped playing this song after 2003, and I never understood why.
7. Steve Gleason blocks a punt! That was awesome. Plus, we had one of the worst beats of all time in what Berman referred to as the Grant’s Tomb game. The Panthers were +4.5 and lost the spread absolutely inexplicably. Guess which team I picked!?!?!
8. We had both Berman and Jackson singing the Wizard of Oz song to Marc Bulger because the guy who played the scarecrow in that movie was Ray Bulger. I don’t know if some people would think this was corny or not, but I loved it. Jackson helping Berman sing at the end nearly brought a tear to my eye.
That’s it for the video – and that’s only half the week! We haven’t had this show on the air for a decade because the goons at NBC stole the Sunday night broadcasting rights when they paid the NFL billions for Sunday Night Football. However, Berman and Jackson have both been around, until this year when Jackson left. Now, Berman will be gone as well, so an era in football is over, as far as I’m concerned.
Boomer and T.J., I’m going to miss you guys. But I’ll never forget you both.
Random NFL Notes: Week 16:
1. I discussed a naughty quote from Charles Davis last week when he said, “There’s a new emphasis on guys piling on each other. They don’t want anyone pulling anything.” I theorized that this could prompt Matt Millen to try to murder Davis because Millen wants guys pulling stuff, but to my relief, Davis was safe and sound, analyzing the Falcons-49ers game. On second thought, I’m not sure if he died of boredom or not.
Here’s a compilation of naughty or confusing quotes I heard from analysts the past couple of weeks. I’ll list them as well as the five possible analysts who might have said them. Try matching who said what. The answer key will be at the very end of the Random NFL Notes segment:
If you hate me and didn’t want to support the podcast, here’s my crackpot theory in a nutshell: Jeff Fisher intentionally sabotaged the Rams.
If you bet on the Rams heavily like I did this year, you very well know that Fisher was mailing it in. His game plans were terrible for the most part; he didn’t know that Danny Woodhead was no longer on the Patriots; and he didn’t even bring his challenge flag to one of the games. Fisher was extended for two years this past summer, and he probably thought he didn’t have to try at all.
So, how did he sabotage the Rams, outside of ruining a 2016 campaign that probably wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway? The Jared Goff trade, of course. Every team we spoke to prior to the draft liked Carson Wentz more than Goff. There were people in the Rams organization that wanted Wentz over Goff. When the Rams moved up to No. 1, we assumed it was to take Wentz, but Michael Silver broke the news that Goff would be the pick, and he knew this because he’s great friends with Fisher. While members of the Rams’ front office and coaching staff wanted Wentz, Fisher chose to override all of them by taking Goff. Then, he absolutely destroyed Goff’s confidence by putting him behind Sean Mannion on the depth chart for no explicable reason!
Not only did Fisher select Goff, but he also spent numerous resources to move up to No. 1. Now, it’s going to take the Rams a very long time to recover from this horrible trade. Fisher will be laughing his a** off in the meantime because he destroyed the organization.
So, why did he do it? I think it has something to do with that strange 2-year extension he received this past summer. Fisher hadn’t achieved a winning season in St. Louis in four years, so why the hell did ownership give him an extension? I think Fisher knew something or saw something or heard something he didn’t like, and he was paid off. Whatever it was had to piss Fisher off because he quit on his team and orchestrated an asinine trade to ruin its future.
Now, I’m not saying this is 100-percent certain. It’s a crackpot theory, after all. But Kenny said it was a good one, so I think there’s definitely a good chance that I’m right!
3. Are you Christmas shopping for a football fan this holiday season? Don’t know what to get them? Facebook friend Steve V. pointed this out to me:
What a great gift! And it’s not fake, either. It’s real – you can find it on Amazon!
I think it’s awesome for a fan of any team. If you give this to a Browns fan, they’ll obviously get the misery. However, it works for any other fan because they’ll realize how lucky they are that they don’t cheer for the Browns.
ANSWER KEY TO NAUGHTY/CONFUSING QUOTES:
Random NFL Notes: Week 15:
1. As you may know, I’ve lost tons of money and Supercontest picks on the Rams this year. It’s made no sense to me. Sure, Jeff Fisher used countless resources – five years, crazy draft trades – to assemble the worst offense of all time, but they have a terrific defense and should’ve been able to hang within some of these high spreads. Even when they were the clear righ side, like they were versus the Dolphins, they’ve failed to cover.
I’ve been utterly confused about this – until Awesome Kelly from Arizona informed me that Kenny Britt, Lance Kendricks and some guy named Chase Reynolds are on some E! TV show called Hollywood and Football.
Hollywood and Football!?!>?!???!>? Wow, sounds so awesome!!! I can’t believe I’ve missed watching this show!!! I don’t think I can live with myself because I missed the premiere!!! My palms are sweating in anticipation of watching this incredible show!!!
In case all of the exclamation points didn’t give it away, I was being a bit sarcastiball there. See, this is the exact problem of having a team in Los Angeles. There are too many damn distractions like this E! TV show bulls***, and it’s not like the fans care at all. I recall Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal pining for a team in Los Angeles, but prior to the Atlanta blowout, they were complaining that the Rams are too boring. I imagine many other Hollywood types felt this way, which is so stupid because the Rams have an incredible defense that I find fun to watch. That Dolphins-Rams game, despite it being 10-0 the entire time, was a blast. Aaron Donald, Michael Brockers and Robert Quinn were absolutely crushing Miami, and it was very entertaining.
Instead of having a fan base that appreciates them, the Rams are playing in front of either empty seats or fake people who can’t handle the slightest bit of heat. Now, the players are distracted by being on dumb TV shows no one cares about. I can’t imagine the Rams ever having success in Los Angeles for this reason.
2. Speaking of the Rams, I have yet to discuss Jeff Fisher’s recent press conference. Fisher admitted to the media that he doesn’t follow football players and didn’t really have an idea who was on the Patriots. Asked to name a running back on New England, Fisher said that Danny Woodhead is “a play-maker for the Patriots.”
Unreal. Not only is Woodhead not on the Patriots, but he’s been on injured reserve since Week 2. He hasn’t been a play-maker for anyone.
I don’t know how Fisher wasn’t fired on the spot. If I owned a team and heard my head coach like that, I would be completely embarrassed. How can a head coach not know the starters of a team he’s set to battle that week? Is Fisher not watching film whatsoever? If not, what’s he doing in his spare time, conjuring up more horrible draft trades? Stuffing random things into his coat so he can’t find his red challenge flag? Counting the amount of hairs on his mustache?
I didn’t think Stan Kroenke would do anything about it because he doesn’t care if the Rams win or lose, but he actually did manage to finally fire Fisher. Check out my Jeff Fisher firing grade here.
3. Moving to a completely unrelated topic, I’ve always given Matt Millen a lot of grief, and justifiably so. However, he’s not the only one who has made strange, sexual references about men recently. Check out this quote from Charles Davis:
“There’s a new emphasis on guys piling on each other. They don’t want anyone pulling anything.”
I do like Davis, and I have to say that I commend him for battling Millen. You see, while this initially looks like a grotesque statement Millen would make, Davis actually pleads for the guys not to pull anything, while Millen would be highly in favor of it.
If you think I’m just rambling at this stage and not really making any points, you could be right. Then again, if Davis were to meet an untimely demise, I think we’d all know who was responsible. Hint, his first and last names begin with the letter “M!”
Random NFL Notes: Week 14:
1. I was talking to Charlie Campbell on Friday evening, and he brought something to my attention…
“I can’t believe the NFL is having a night game on Christmas Eve,” he said.
Wait, what? I complained about the NFL having two Christmas Day games in a prior entry, but I didn’t even bother checking if there was a Christmas Eve night game. I didn’t think the NFL would be stupid enough to have one!
I mean, what the f***? Seriously. Why did the NFL do this? The last time there were Christmas Eve games, they didn’t have a night game. Now, they are, and it’s not even two West Coast teams battling each other, which would at least make the slightest bit of sense since it would be a 5:30 local start on the West Coast. Instead, we’re getting Bengals versus Texans. Wow, can’t wait for that one!
I don’t understand what the NFL is thinking sometimes. I mean, how the hell could they make such a stupid decision? If Roger Goodell thought NFL ratings were low, wait until he sees what happens when two bad teams battle each other on Christmas Eve night. I think I might be the only person in America watching that game, and guess who’s going to be pissed at me? My fiancee, who probably won’t talk to me for a week because of that!
Goodell is a f***ing a**hole for doing this. He should be removed as NFL commissioner just for this. Seriously. It’s the most asinine decision ever. Playing an international game in Afghanistan would make more sense. Ugh. I’m just dreading getting yelled at. It’s going to suck big time.
2. I complain about ESPN’s coverage of the NFL all the time, but I suppose we should be thankful that it isn’t as awful as they treat the NHL. I mean, Barry Melrose is great and all, but based on this graphic, I don’t think ESPN has any sort of clue when it comes to a hockey. How bad is it? Take a look:
What the hell is this? How in the f***ing world did the Red Wings score 112 goals in a single hockey game? And isn’t overtime decided after one goal? How did they win by four in overtime?
Assuming a full five minutes of overtime, this means that the Red Wings scored 1.72 goals per minute. That would be pretty damn impressive – if the Tampa Bay Lightning didn’t get 1.66 goals per minute. Considering all the stoppages, this game must have lasted at least seven hours!
3. Speaking of ESPN, you know Steve Levy? I’ve never had any sort of issue with him, as he seems like a normal dude. I figured everyone felt the same… until I saw this altered Wikipedia entry:
I have to say, this is absolute genius. I have nothing against Levy, but every single alteration is brilliant. Well done, fellow troll. I’m sure SkankHunt42 would be proud!
Random NFL Notes: Week 13:
1. I mentioned last week that my annual Thanksgiving tradition is to have dinner at my parents’ house and then watch my dad get infuriated because one of my uncles cheers against the teams my dad bets on. This did not happen this year, however, as I didn’t have any big plays on the three games, and rightfully so because they were all coin flips.
Fortunately, I did have the pleasure of hearing my dad’s drunken Russian friend rant about football after watching it for the first time. Here were some memorable quotes:
“Vhy zey alvays run vis ball in middle of line??? Zis guy no run good!!!”
This was in reference to Le’Veon Bell getting stuffed on a couple of occasions. Apparently, Bell is not a good running back.
“Vhy zey alvays dancing??? Zey dance like monkies!!!”
If you think this is racist, then you are the true racist, as this was in reference to Pat McAfee’s silly trot following his fake punt conversion.
“Whopa! Zis good play! Vhy zey not do zis all time???”
This was said following one of Ben Roethlisberger’s deep touchdowns to Antonio Brown. It was a good question, though. Why not just bomb it to Brown every play?
2. Cris Collinsworth was drowned out by the Russian guy’s quotes. Collinsworth is one of my favorite color analysts, but he said something that annoyed me during the Panthers-Saints game a week ago. He mentioned that most of the public isn’t aware of who Willie Snead is. This sort of statement is something a lot of announcers of guilty of. See, most people actually do know who Snead is because most people watching play fantasy football. Snead is owned in 82.8 percent of ESPN leagues, so most individuals obviously know who he is.
Louis Riddick, whom I also enjoy listening to, said something along the same lines on a recent Sunday morning:
“If you don’t own Alshon Jeffery in fantasy right now, you should try to get him right now. He’s about to go off today.”
Ah, yes, let’s just trade for Jeffery an hour before the game! I’m sure the entire league will vote quickly on that one!
I feel like all NFL announcers need a crash course in fantasy football. They should be made to play a minimum of five leagues each year so that they fully understand how fantasy works. Most people who watch football are into fantasy, so having announcers say ignorant comments related to fantasy seems kind of silly.
3. On a related topic, I was thrilled to hear that the NFL is thinking about going back to the 1 p.m. Eastern start times for the London games. Thank f***ing god. I live on the East Coast, and even that was too early for me. I can’t imagine those on the West Coast who needed to wake up at 6 a.m. to set their fantasy lineup for a player who happened to be a game-time decision. What a horrible idea.
What baffles me is that some people are against this move. Bill Simmons and Cousin Sal both seemed upset about it, but I found that ridiculous, as I distinctly remember them talking about waking up late and watching just the second halves of those games. Maybe it was just one of them, but at least one of them said it. That’s nice and all, but for actual, real football fans who want to watch everything rather than schmooze with Hollywood celebrities, this 9:30 a.m. start policy was a disaster.
Random NFL Notes: Week 12:
This is the week of Thanksgiving, and I usually post something about how I’m going to my parents’ house, which means I’m going to have to endure my uncle cheering against my picks. He doesn’t actually hate me – at least, I don’t think he does – but he holds a grudge against my dad, who bets my high-unit selections. My dad makes it known whom he roots for, and then my a**hole uncle starts cheering for the other team. I’m shocked my dad hasn’t strangled him yet. I think he would do it if he could get away with it.
I will be going to my parents’ house again this year, and just thinking about it happens to be a stark reminder of how much I was struggling last year. I went 0-3 on Thanksgiving last year, and I recall being utterly perplexed by what was happening. I then looked back into my archives, and I saw that I went on a rant in my Week 12 picks last year. Here it is:
I will say that I’ve done it. I’ve accomplished the unenviable feat of being the worst NFL handicapper on the planet. There might be some alien who’s worse at picking NFL games in some distant galaxy, but here on Earth, I am the absolute worst. There’s no question about that.
I just lost $2,000 in a single week. My worst week ever prior to this past one was Week 6, 2010, when I went 4-9-1, -$1,865 (amazingly, that was a winning season). Week 11, 2015 shattered all records, as I went 5-6-3, -$2,010.
I have no idea what happened to me. I didn’t have a single losing season between 2003 and 2010. Not one. I used to hit 55-56 percent against the spread on a year-to-year basis. Now, I can’t even reach coin-flip status. It’s embarrassing. I have a female cousin who picks games just based on which cities she likes, and she’s well above .500. I watch every game, know all the players, follow the injury reports, break down the matchups… but it doesn’t matter. All I do is pick losers. It doesn’t matter which teams I take. If I place a high-unit wager on them, I will lose. I could’ve placed tons of money on the Jaguars, Chiefs, Packers and Bengals, and all of those sides would’ve lost as well.
I’m going to continue making picks even if I’m $50,000 in the hole because this is part of my full-time job, but I will tell you right now that you should fade all of my high-unit selections no matter what. I have absolutely no read on the NFL. It’s become a foreign language to me. I can’t begin to explain why the Chargers were the wrong side in their 33-3 loss. They got most of their players back. All of their linemen returned – and yet they still couldn’t block a stupid Chiefs team that I lost tons of units with when they suffered defeats to the Bengals and Bears earlier in the year. Like seriously, what the hell is going on here? Kansas City got blasted by the Bengals and lost straight up to the Bears, and yet demolished a team getting most of its personnel back as three-point road favorites? How the f*** does that make any sense?
And let’s talk about the Bengals and Texans. I lost big with Cincinnati last Monday night. OK, so the Bengals are beginning their late-season swoon, right? So, how the hell did they cover at Arizona? You can say they didn’t show up to play Houston on Monday night, so anyone telling me that motivation plays no factor in football is full of crap. The Texans piss me off more. I had a huge bet on them against the Dolphins in Week 7. They got blown out. Ever since then, they won at Cincinnati and upset the Jets, both of whom are better than Miami. The Dolphins, meanwhile, have lost by double-digits in three of four of their games following that victory over Houston.
Again, I ask you, how the f*** is anyone supposed to make sense of this? Why did the Dolphins demolish the Texans? To take a page from my cousin’s handicapping book, was Miami the right side because the city is more fun than Houston? Is that how I’m supposed to handicap football games? I don’t understand what the hell is going on. It feels like everything is random, but then again, if it were random, wouldn’t I be picking games at a 50-percent clip? I don’t get it.
I have no answers going forward. Seriously, I think I’ll be down $10,000 by season’s end. I don’t think it’s possible for me to have a legitimate winning week. Sue, I finished in the black in Weeks 8 and 9, but I was 5-8-1 in Week 8, and in Week 9, I lost my top two picks in the Dolphins (at Bills) and Eagles (at Cowboys). Yeah, the Dolphins, who beat this suddenly unstoppable Houston team, and the Eagles, who have gone on to lose to Miami and Tampa Bay. Ugh, what the hell?
If it sounds like I’m having a nervous breakdown right now, it’s because I am. I don’t know what the hell to do. I’ve stopped looking at trends, and yet I’m still down 18 units after doing so. I’ve transitioned to matchups, but what good are matchups when the Texans win straight up at Cincinnati, and the Packers lose outright to the Lions, only to beat a better team in Minnesota the following week?
I was a mess a year ago. After Thanksgiving weekend of 2015, however, I’m up 92.7 units. Ending my trends nonsense did end up being the right move, as I began actually factoring in how teams are performing in relation to the spread. So, this Thanksgiving, I’m going to be thankful that I was able to identify the error of my ways and get on the right track as far as my football handicapping is concerned.
Random NFL Notes: Week 11:
1. If you haven’t heard, the NFL is considering fewer commercials to help improve ratings. I can’t really find an argument to oppose this – outside of perhaps the added pressure of having to go to the bathroom quicker. Maybe I’m different, but I like to take my time. Some of my s***s last an hour!
That said, I don’t see how this will help ratings. If people were shying away from the NFL or simply streaming games, I don’t think they are thinking, Oh man, I’m going to come back because there are three fewer commercials in every quarter!
We’ve already discussed why NFL TV ratings are down. It’s a combination of a number of things, ranging from oversaturation, to horrible officiating, to poor play as a result of the dumb CBA rules, to millennials streaming games, to the election to Colin Kaepernick pissing people off.
If long commercials really are at fault, that’s way, way down the list. Nevertheless, it’s nice that the NFL is trying new things. I actually think all shows can do without commercials if they incorporate products into the actual programs. For example, when Rick from the Walking Dead is fending off zombies, he could perhaps do so in front of a Coke machine. And once he slaughters them all, he can bang his hatchet on the machine, watch a can drop out and then chug it. He could then say, “Ahh, after a hard day’s work of killing zombies, I prefer Coke over Pepsi. Caaaaarrrrlll!” Wouldn’t that make for great TV?
The same thing could apply in the NFL. When Walt Anderson is about to bungle another call, he could announce, “Holding, on the offense, that’s a 10-yard penalty. This holding penalty is brought to you by McDonald’s. I’m loving it!”
No? Bad idea?
2. Speaking of Anderson, I suppose I should comment about the Richard Sherman controversy. Sherman was criticized for what appeared to be a dirty play when he hit Buffalo’s kicker just prior to intermission last Monday night.
There’s no question that Anderson and his crew got the call wrong, and the NFL admitted as much. It should’ve been a late hit. Sherman argued that he tipped the ball, but he wouldn’t have been flagged for roughing the kicker, so that is completely irrelevant. He would’ve been penalized for an unsportsmanlike on a late hit. Everyone had stopped, save for him, so it should’ve been clear to him that he was doing something wrong.
But was it dirty? It looked dirty from a viewer’s perspective, but I don’t know, honestly. It could’ve been, but then again, maybe there’s a chance that Sherman didn’t hear the whistle. The Seattle stadium is super loud, so he at least has that as an excuse. Either way, that’s not the major story. Anderson’s horrific officiating should be, and the NFL’s reluctance to do anything about it needs to be discussed as well. I thought Anderson would be reprimanded for sure. I suggested that he and his crew should attend officials’ conferences to learn the basic rules of football. At the very least, they should be punished publicly. Perhaps they should’ve been walked naked through the town square so that people could throw tomatoes at them, as some ugly woman constantly chants “shame” behind them.
3. Earlier, I mentioned oversaturation and unnecessary games. The Thursday night contests are horrible, but it’s not the worst thing on the schedule. I learned this when my fiancee asked what our plans were for Christmas. If you didn’t know, Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, so the games will be on Saturday that weekend. That’s perfectly fine. What I’m taking issue with is what’s happening on Christmas.
I suspected that there might be a Christmas night game. That would have been fine by itself. Unfortunately, there are two contests on Christmas, one of which starts at 4:30.
See, this is exactly what I’m talking about regarding oversaturation. This is ridiculous. The NFL doesn’t need to be on Christmas afternoon. People will want to eat dinner with their families around that time. No one outside of the people of Pittsburgh and Baltimore is going to watch that game. And once the ratings suck, the NFL is going to try other stupid things that won’t change anything either.
You know what? NFL referee advertisements may not be so far away after all.
Random NFL Notes: Week 10:
1. I haven’t touched on Cam Newton’s whining and complaining from Week 8, which is probably a mistake. I didn’t exactly have a hot take on it because I was torn on what Newton said. On one hand, he definitely doesn’t receive fair treatment. I don’t understand how the officials didn’t call that low blow against the Cardinals. Then again, the official was Walt Coleman, who probably thinks the year is 1975.
On the other hand, however, I can understand why Newton wouldn’t receive fair treatment, and that’s because he has acted like an arrogant douche over the years. All the showboating has been ridiculous, and most football fans I know are sick of it. I personally don’t care, but you don’t know how many people have told me that they hate Newton because they think he’s an arrogant SOB.
Here’s something to think about, though: Newton pretends to be Superman, so if he really were Superman, shouldn’t he be impervious to these hits? Perhaps the officials are treating him as if he really were Superman. You get what you ask for sometimes, you know?
The bottom line is that while the officiating should improve, I’m not going to sulk with Newton about these bad non-calls. If Newton became way more humble, the officials would totally be in his corner. But it’s just difficult to defend him, given how horribly he acts most of the time.
2. On a completely unrelated topic, I’d like to use this space to declare my admiration for Cynthia Frelund, the analytics expert NFL Network has hired. I think it’s pretty cool how Frelund can come close to accurately projecting stat totals for players. She projected Jameis Winston, for example, to go 25-of-42 for 282 yards, two touchdowns and an interception against the Falcons. He went 23-of-37 for 261 yards and three scores, and some of his throws were close to being picked.
That said, I have to take issue with one thing Frelund said, and that’s a stat she pointed out where the Buccaneers are something like 7-0 in the past two years when running the ball at least 50 percent of the time. I absolutely hate stuff like that. Teams that are ahead run the ball. That’s what they do. If teams are behind early, they have to pass. There’s no logical correlation between running the ball and winning. It would be like expecting a team, down 27-0 in the second quarter, to run every single down on one drive. Why would they do that?
3. Stupid stats are one thing. Stupid fantasy owners are another. I’d like to bring attention to something my friend Rel pointed out to me. Rel and I are in a league together, and something he likes to do is drop his kicker during the waiver period. Once all of that is over, he adds a kicker later in the week. It’s a smart strategy.
However, some of our fellow league members have taken note of this, prompting some collusion to pick up all the remaining kickers so Rel couldn’t start one. Here’s a screenshot of the waivers:
I’d like to call these people out. Seriously, what the f*** are you doing? This is fantasy football. It’s supposed to be fun. Why do you have to be a**holes and screw someone out of kicker? They’re acting like a bunch of prissy teenage girls who buy up all the cool outfits so the one girl they want to see fail doesn’t have anything good to wear. Golden Gates and Lobos, you two are prissy teenage girls.
Random NFL Notes: Week 9:
1. I need to discuss something Josh Norman mentioned recently, and not his rant on the London officials. Here’s the quote, just to prove that I’m not making up this asinine statement:
I’d actually like to see Norman try this. I’d get a kick out of it. I just hope he tells everyone ahead of time so I can bet against his team.
Norman’s stance, however, is quite stupid. He’s clearly against beer sales, so OK, let’s have the NFL relinquish all of its beer advertising. Beer advertising accounts for 8 percent of the NFL’s advertising, per numerous Web sites I scanned while doing brief research for this mini-article. So, if Norman wants the NFL to quit advertising beer, he should be prepared to surrender 8 percent of his contract.
Norman signed a $75 million contract with $36.5 million guaranteed. Norman should tell the NFL he’s willing to hand back $6 million overall and $2.92 million in guarantees. Wait, what’s that? You don’t want to do that, Josh? You don’t say!
I don’t get what the big deal is. My friends and I grew up watching beer commercials on TV as kids, and we all grew up normal. Well, except for the one guy I thought was going to kill me when I last saw him, but everyone else is at least somewhat successful!
I think I speak for all non-idiots when I say that we need to cut this “kids can’t be exposed to stuff like beer” crap and stop being a nation of giant p***sies.
2. Speaking of the Redskins, I need to discuss the London games one more time, but not because of the ridiculously early start times. Roger Goodell is still an a**hole for forcing people on the West Coast to wake up at 6 a.m. to set their fantasy lineups, but I’ve discussed this already so many times.
What I want to focus on is the singing of God Save the Queen. If you were still asleep, I’d be envious of you, but you did miss this:
That’s Laura Wright, the songstress who performed England’s national anthem, and she was incredible. Not only did she have a great voice, but she wore nothing but a bra over a sport coat. I’m hoping that this is a fashion trend that picks up some traction in America. With our economy in the crapper, as employment participation is at a 40-year low, we need something to jolt the American spirit, and I think this is something that could help tremendously.
Also, I need to show you some tweets I saw as Laura sang God Save the Queen:
The top two people are just stupid, but yet, they’re smarter than this Todd Kelsch fellow, who is one of these whiney douches who thinks everything is racist when it’s clearly not.
I was about to think that all people on Twitter were idiots, but then I saw James Curran’s tweet, and my faith in humanity was suddenly restored.
3. Keeping with the theme of dumb things, can the NFL please get rid of these stupid Color Rush jerseys? What’s the point of these things aside from pissing off color-blind people? They’re just dumb. I mean, just look at this (thanks, Alfredo C):
Did the NFL really think people would watch the Titans-Jaguars game and immediately log onto NFLShop.com to purchase Jacksonville’s gold jerseys so they could look like Goldust? I think the league desperately needs to hire new marketing people.
Random NFL Notes: Week 8:
1. I wrote last week that I believed Aaron Rodgers was struggling because he was taking mental shortcuts like I was with my picks in previous years as a result of other priorities (shooting commercials, dating Olivia Munn, trying to kill flies with golf clubs). Despite Phil Simms gushing over Rodgers while answering his own questions and saying strange things, I stand by my assessment. It’s not that Rodgers is playing poorly; he’s just not nearly as potent as the vintage Rodgers was.
One Facebook friend, Nathan T., had a different theory, and it made a lot of sense to me:
As a Bears fan, I’ve been hating watching Rodgers for years. And I can tell you exactly why he’s been bad the last 18 months… He hasn’t realized he is 32.
He is a smaller, more athletic Big Ben, with a better arm. Both players became masters of the broken play in their late 20s. Both were incredible when they were “on”, and Rodgers has a lot more talent than Big Ben, so when he was “on,” he was the best in the league… The problem for Rodgers is that he thinks he can still scramble, beat the defender to the edge, and sling it. Instead, losing that half-step (quarter-step even) into his 30s, he was caught a LOT last year. Now, he throws the ball before he sets his feet instead of just not scrambling. He still wants to rely on the broken play, instead of on clean mechanics and arm talent. In order to be a scrambler and avoid defenders, he has given up his mechanics. He’s just not accurate anymore because of it (it isn’t his receivers. They were open last year too, he just missed them).
I like that a lot, and perhaps his non-football activities are preventing him from realizing this and making the appropriate adjustments.
Also, e-mailer Stephen N. came up with an interesting crackpot theory that I mentioned on the podcast.
Stephen said that Deflategate could be the issue. Rodgers has struggled ever since the NFL mandated checking all footballs for air pressure. What if Rodgers happened to be deflating footballs as well? It’s certainly possible, and I like that out-of-the-box thinking.
2. Stephen N’s e-mail was a great one. On the other end of the spectrum, I received several e-mails last week from either confused or angry people, and many of them went like this:
“Walt your an idiot London is 5 hrs ahead of the east coast so the 9:30 start you’re time is 2:30 in London you dolt so stop saying its a 6:30 local start.”
Ugh. It was a 6:30 a.m. local start for the Rams. Because, you know, three hours from the East Coast to the West Coast means a 9:30 a.m. start for the Giants was a 6:30 a.m. start for the Rams. Seriously, come on people, I know London isn’t three hours behind the Eastern Time Zone.
While on the subject, I’ve written this before, but something needs to be done about these London games. I don’t understand why the NFL even considered having stupid early starts. What was wrong with the 1 p.m. Eastern start for London games? That’s 6 p.m. London time. Are Englishmen not allowed out at night all of a sudden? Why else would Roger Goodell do this? Does he really think casual fans will wake up super early Sunday morning to watch a bad football game? He seriously can’t be that stupid, can he?
3. Speaking of the Rams-Giants game, New York did a great thing by exiling Josh Brown from the team. Except the Giants did this six weeks too late. I don’t know how they suddenly found out about Brown’s domestic violence when it was public knowledge in early September. I just assumed no one was talking about it because, let’s face it, Brown is a kicker, and no one cares about kickers.
It’s pretty outrageous that Brown wasn’t suspended for six games in the first place. He was given a one-game ban, so the league obviously knew something was up. It’s also been revealed that the Giants’ owner was told about his domestic violence issues. So, why not suspend him for six games, when that’s the rule Goodell implemented? I don’t understand, and it’s even more baffling as to why the league keeps trying to cover this up. It would still be wrong, but I could see the reasoning behind it if one of the faces of the league – i.e. Andrew Luck, Aaron Rodgers, etc. – were guilty of this, but why would the NFL protect some stupid kicker? And Roger Goodell wonders why NFL TV ratings are down 11 percent. Think some of those are female fans who have had enough of Goodell’s bulls**t?
I also don’t need to tell you the hypocrisy surrounding this and all the NFL “does” for Breast Cancer Awareness month. I’ve written this before, but the whole thing is bulls**t, since, according to published news reports, the NFL only donates 3.5 percent of its proceeds to breast cancer awareness organizations, which is the bare minimum to make something tax-exempt. I understand people need to get paid, but you’d think it would still be in the ballpark of 25-50 percent. Giving just 3.5 percent is an insult, and I think that, as well as Goodell’s reluctance to suspend Brown, just proves that the NFL doesn’t really care about women.
Random NFL Notes: Week 7:
1. Let’s talk pre-game shows. I plan on moving away from ESPN after this season in the wake of Chris Berman’s impending retirement, so I thought I’d check out NFL Network’s pre-game show to see what I’m in for. It didn’t help ESPN’s cause that Charles Woodson was making wild proclamations like Terrelle Pryor would generate 1,800 receiving yards, all while Randy Moss was trying to recall who covered him well. Yeah, that’s great, ESPN, why don’t you hire more former players who have no idea what’s going on and can only tell stories with no current relevance.
The first thing I heard on NFL Network was, “The West Coast offense is designed for a lot of inside routes.”
Ugh. Seriously, who cares? People who have played football before know this already. People with no football background don’t give a damn.
I’ve said this before, but football really needs to incorporate more fantasy and picking analysis into its pre-game shows and live telecasts. That’s what most people watch football for. One of these networks needs to hire someone like Jimmy the Greek to issue picks about an hour prior to kickoff. I think that would be pretty sweet. Having great fantasy analysts would work as well; not some clueless guy who tells you to spend the first-overall pick on QB Dog Killer.
I have to say that the one thing I enjoyed on NFL Network’s pre-game show, outside of Rich Eisen, was something called Warner’s Corner, where Kurt Warner explained why one particular quarterback was struggling, and I thought that was informative. Warner clearly does his homework, so maybe he and Eisen can be my new Berman and Tom Jackson going forward.
Anyway, I flipped back to MS-ESPN, and what did I see? ESPN EMJOI MADNESS!!! That’s right – ESPN is now trying to appeal to dumb millenials who text with pictures even though people like that probably aren’t watching pre-game shows because they’re sending dumb snapchats to each other, whatever the hell that is.
2. Speaking of dumb things on TV, I’m sure most of you have seen the Ryan Tannehill Play 60 commercial. If not, here it is:
I didn’t think much of this at first aside from my utter hatred for Play 60. I don’t get why kids have to play outside. If they play outside, they annoy me as I try to walk my scared dog, who is petrified by loud noises. Go inside, stupid kids!
But then, something caught my eye. At around the 7-second mark, they snap the ball, and the quarterback drops back to pass. He’s under no pressure. Why? Check out what the girl in the magenta shirt is doing with the girl in the blue shirt. The former girl is supposed to be rushing the passer, yet she just starts dancing in a circle with the latter girl. What the hell is that all about? You have one job, magenta shirt girl, and it’s to get to the quarterback, and you’ve completely failed!
3. I need to vent some more. I have the worst luck when it comes to fantasy. Going into Week 5, I was 3-1 in two leagues and 2-2 in three others. And yet, in four of my five leagues, I’m either the top or the second-leading scorer! Shouldn’t I be 4-0 in one of these leagues? You’d think so, but not when stuff like this happens (note the lower scoring because this is a touchdown league):
Look at those scores! I would’ve also lost to Wooks, sure, but this is the kind of crap that always seems to happen to me. I know you all care so much, so I appreciate the support.
Random NFL Notes: Week 6:
Last week, I posted some reasons why I believe NFL TV ratings are down this year. I had dinner with my fiancee’s dad Saturday night, and completely unprompted, he told me he’s boycotting the NFL. I asked why, and he noted the Colin Kaepernick-led protests, and he opined (correctly) that it’s “completely embarrassing to be an adult” in this day and age. Again, I’ve gotten lots of e-mails from people echoing the same sentiments. Roger Goodell and the 49ers organization did a horrible job not dealing with this before it manifested into something larger, driving lots of people away from watching football.
I got some great comments on Facebook, where friends speculated on other reasons why ratings are in decline:
Alex C: 1. Roger Goodell
2. Roger Goodell
3. Roger Goodell
4. Roger Goodell
5. Roger Goodell
(I don’t think Alex C. is a fan of Goodell…)
Andrew C: Honest question: Could RedZone be hurting the ratings of full game broadcasts? People who care more about fantasy football than a particular team are likely watching RedZone instead of a major network.
(Perhaps, though fans will still rather watch their favorite team.)
Jack R: Don’t forget about cord-cutters like me who stream games online.
(Maybe we can get Eli Manning to stream other games instead of the presidential debate.)
Tylor W: You kind of cover this, but the politicizing of ESPN and the NFL has turned off a few people I know.
(So true, which is why I now call ESPN “MS-ESPN.”)
Mark P: The product on the field is terrible. There are so many bad and mediocre teams and casual fans looking for good football are tuning in and tuning out. I can honestly say as a Browns fan if I didn’t bet or play fantasy I wouldn’t watch football at all. We are 1/4 through and only about 8 teams have a legit chance…. and not to mention domestic abuse and drugs and all that bulls***.
(Definitely true, as this new stupid CBA is killing football. I can’t believe how lazy players are that they don’t want to practice much. I mean, come on, how are you supposed to improve?)
Dave P: Spot on! I’ve kind of boycotted myself. For me, all those reasons you mentioned, plus the Dez Bryant catch overturn in the playoffs. The league lost me there, and has done nothing since to get me back. If a sports fanatic like me can boycott, anyone can.
(They seriously need to figure out these catch rules. I don’t think anyone knows what a catch is, including the officials.)
Selvan T: The Thursday night games have been absolute garbage and that’s no accident. Wednesdays are usually the most important practice days, for coaches drawing up and practicing gameplans, and now they only get one actual practice between Sunday and Thursday. The players also aren’t used to going from Sunday to Thursday games as well.
(Yes! Please, for the love of God, stop it with these Thursday games!)
Jay B: Something you didn’t mention but I think might be a valid point. As I’m sure you know, youth football is seeing a steady decline in participation, and many parents flat out will not let their kids play for obvious reasons. If kids grow up not playing the sport and even told they are not allowed to play, it seems logical that those same kids will enjoy watching other sports, such as the ones they play instead. You think this could also be a factor, or just something to think about in the future?
(I think this is more of a factor down the road. People will still watch football even if they don’t play it for fantasy and betting purposes. But it’s definitely a concern, although I have faith in medical technology to figure something out.)
All great reasons! The NFL isn’t in a position where it needs to panic just yet, but changes need to be made. I’d eliminate the Thursday games, deal with the kneeling controversy and issue a statement about it to get people like my fiancee’s dad to come back, clarify the rules, remove some of Roger Goodell’s power and fix the stupid CBA in terms of teams not being able to practice as much.
Random NFL Notes: Week 5:
I’m only going to have one note this week, but it’s going to be a long one. I want to discuss a story that surfaced Thursday regarding NFL TV ratings. They are down, and the NFL is reportedly concerned about this. While some might be willing to blame the millenials, citing that they don’t have the attention span to sit through a 3-hour game, I’m willing to guess it’s much deeper than that. I’ve come up with five possible reasons for the decline in viewership, and I’ll rate them from least-likely to most-likely:
5. Fantasy Football: I’ve heard the argument that fewer people watch football now because the newest generation of fans has grown up in a fantasy football world where they just root for the players who can win them money or pride, and thus have no allegiance to a team. Thus, they can keep track of players on their phones or tablets without needing to watch actual games.
I think there’s some validity to this argument. I know plenty of people who are fantasy mavens and yet still cheer heavily for a team, but I’ve also talked to some who don’t particularly root for a specific team either. I think this might be hurting viewership a little bit, but not as much as some think.
4. Roger Goodell: People aren’t going to stay away from football just because of the commissioner himself, but Roger Goodell’s policies haven’t helped matters. I’ve seen Patriot fans comment about how they’ve been boycotting the NFL during Tom Brady’s suspension, but it goes beyond that. Goodell senselessly exiles players for simply smoking marijuana, as if anyone in the real world cares about that. Conversely, he has barely punished a quarterback who drowned dogs with his bare hands, a running back who treated his fiancee like Glass Joe, and a defensive end who was actually convicted of sexual assault.
People are sick of Goodell, and they see him as a maniacal, money-grubbing tyrant who doesn’t care about domestic violence at all. It doesn’t help that reports came out revealing that the NFL donates only 3.5 percent of its profits from Breast Cancer Awareness Month to charity – the bare minimum to be tax-exempt.
The NFL has an image problem, and Goodell is the face of that. Goodell has done some good things as commissioner, but owners may want to consider finding someone who isn’t booed every time he makes a public appearance.
3. Colin Kaepernick Demonstration: A couple of weeks ago, I published an e-mail from a loyal reader who said he’s considering staying away from the NFL because of the disrespect the players are showing during the national anthem. Since then, I’ve received about a dozen or so other e-mails from people who have echoed that sentiment. If I’m getting a dozen e-mails about this, I can only imagine the sheer amount of people who are disgusted by this development and have refrained from watching football as a result.
The league and the 49ers should have done something about this when it first started. Colin Kaepernick simply offended too many paying customers. Regardless of what message he was sending, it was bad for business, and the bottom line is all that matters for the NFL. And guess what? The owners aren’t going to take a hit. If there’s a reduction of income, the players (and/or fans) will be the ones who are hurt by it, so they seriously need to reconsider what they’re doing. If they want to talk about starting discussions and whatnot, that’s fine. But insulting those who have fought for this country, many of whom are fans, is a horrible way to go about doing it.
2. Election: The Monday night battle between the Falcons and Saints was the least-watched game in Monday Night Football history, according to the Washington Post. Of course, the debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton was actually going on at the time, so that’s at least understandable.
However, I think the election is still having a big impact on ratings of other games. I know from monitoring site traffic that when people are talking about non-football items on Twitter – whether it’s the Olympics, a terrorist attack, etc. – I have fewer people visiting the site than normal. I have to figure it’s the same thing for the NFL. I imagine people are still watching their favorite teams, but instead of tuning into other games, they could be flipping over to election coverage instead.
And sure, we’ve obviously had many other elections during NFL seasons, but this is the craziest race I can ever remember. The utter contempt that both sides have for each other is nothing that I’ve ever seen before. I think NFL viewership will increase once the election is over, regardless of whether Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich is declared winner.
1. Oversaturation: I wrote earlier that Goodell had done some nice things during his tenure. This includes adding a third day to the NFL Draft (I think a fourth day would be even better) and growing profits. Oversaturating the product is not one of them, however.
When it started, I thought it was a horrible idea, and I still stand by it: Thursday night games are abysmal. I didn’t mind them late in the year, but it’s just too much. The games are low-quality, and they seem forced. Seriously, who outside of Cincinnati and Miami cared to watch that game on Thursday night? Did anyone, excluding degenerate gamblers and A.J. Green and Jarvis Landry fantasy owners even know it was on?
People love football, and part of the reason why is because there are only 16 games. If football were like baseball, however, and there were 162 scheduled games that were on every day, TV viewership would plummet because fans would take it for granted. And that’s exactly what is happening. Sundays are sacred. Monday night was for that one special game. But Thursday? Why did that become a thing?
I also have a problem with the early London games. I don’t mind having a couple of games overseas, but airing them at 9:30 a.m. Eastern – 6:30 a.m. Pacific!!! – is an abomination. Who, in their right mind, wants to wake up at 6 a.m. on the West Coast and watch a football game? And what about those on the West Coast who need to set their fantasy lineup because they have players with game-time decisions they need to either plug into or take out of their lineup? It’s unreasonable to ask people to wake up that early on their final day off prior to a tough work week.
I don’t completely blame Goodell for attempting to branch out, but it has clearly backfired. He needs to reel it back in. Air games solely on Sundays and Mondays, save for the end of the year when college football winds down. Completely remove ridiculous 9:30 a.m. games. Quit talking about having an 18-game schedule because no one wants that. And for the love of God, please eliminate the fourth week of the preseason!
Random NFL Notes: Week 4:
I wouldn’t say my weekly random NFL notes cluttered these picks pages, so I’ll keep them here. What I’m also going to do is store all of them in a Random NFL Notes section so that you can go back and read previous entries in the future.
Some random NFL notes I can’t put anywhere else:
1. Have I mentioned how much I hate MS-ESPN? I can list thousands of reasons, but here’s a brand new one:
Argh. This pretty much epitomizes why most people have a growing hatred for the “world-wide leader.” The fact that ESPN believes that its viewers need a “daily Brady fix” is appalling, and a countdown to his return is ridiculous. I could maybe see some Boston radio Web site doing this as a gimmick, but ESPN is dead serious about this. They just don’t shut up about Brett Favre, Peyton Manning and Brady, when in reality, only one out of 32 viewers really care about those players. MS-ESPN focuses on stars rather than actually discussing how teams are playing, unless of course, they’re making up bogus stats like QBR that have been proven to be completely inaccurate in determining how well a quarterback is performing.
For the tl;dr crowd, ESPN sucks again.
2. Speaking of ESPN, Mike Ditka made the news, as he was trending on Twitter on Friday for this:
Have I ever said how much I love Coach Ditka? He is the man, and my respect for him has grown even more. And it’s not just because of this opinion. Ditka is great here because he’s speaking his mind when he knows that fascist mouth-breathers like the two commenters below will trash him for it. You can’t say anything nowadays without fascist, mouth-breathing scumbags calling you racist, homophobic, etc., but Ditka doesn’t care, and the rest of us whose opinions have been silenced by certain people with warped agendas shouldn’t give a f*** either.
3. You may not have seen it, but Kenny Ortiz (from the podcast) and I have begun recording weekly DRAFT videos where we draft fantasy teams using the cool new DRAFT app. Check it out, and if you have any suggestions for what the winner should get (or what the loser has to do) at the end of the season, let us know!
Random NFL Notes: Week 3:
1. I haven’t discussed ESPN’s new pre-game show just yet. If you haven’t heard, ESPN has jettisoned everyone, even Tom Jackson, whom they forced into retirement, in exchange for the quartet of Trent Dilfer, Matt Hasselbeck, Randy Moss and Charles Woodson, all joining Chris Berman, who is spending his final year at the “world-wide leader.”
This show, in summary, is an abomination. First of all, I never understood the point in having former players as analysts. Some of them are knowledgeable, but most of them don’t do any research and provide nonsensical opinions. For instance, Charles Woodson declared that Terrelle Pryor will gain 1,800 yards this year. He’s lucky to get 1,800 feet!
Anyway, I bring this up because Berman introduced all four of his new co-hosts by citing stats and the accomplishments they achieved as players. This just seemed to irrelevant to me. What does Randy Moss’ career touchdown total have to do with his ability as an analyst? Why would it matter at all? I’ve said it before: I’d rather have side analysts who specialize in the fantasy and picking aspects of football rather than NFL players who know nothing more than the names of plays they used to run.
There’s also some major tension between Dilfer and Moss. Take a look at Moss staring down Dilfer when Dilfer criticized Communist Kaepernick for creating a distraction:
Looks like Moss supports the sickle and star like his 49er buddy.
The only good part about the debut of Sunday NFL Countdown was Berman saying a tearful goodbye to Tom Jackson. I’m going to miss Jackson, and from the way Berman talked about him, it felt like he was eulogizing him.
ESPN’s never going to be the same. I used to love the duo of Berman and Jackson, especially when they did NFL Primetime together, but those days are long gone. I think I’m going to stick with ESPN for one more year, but once Berman officially retires, I’ll be moving to NFL Network on a permanent basis.
2. Speaking of which, I wanted to post this message I received from one of my better e-mailers. It was about the players kneeling during the national anthem, and I thought he made great points, so I asked him if I could post this anonymously. He agreed, so here it is:
I felt like I wrote something similar in my Jerks of the Year entry, but I included fat jokes and a video of me getting slapped by a hot nurse, so it wasn’t nearly as effective.
3. E-mailer Zack D. sent this site over, and I thought I would share it with all of you because I found it hilarious. It’s the Browns performing the music of Les Miserables. I mean, this picture says it all:
Definitely check it out if you get the chance!
Random NFL Notes: Week 2:
1. I have to discuss a commercial that has been on seemingly every channel. I’ve seen this like 500 times, and it irritates me more and more each occasion. Let’s take a look – actually, you can take a look; I’m not watching again – and discuss why it’s so horrible:
Does anyone understand why this commercial makes absolutely no sense? How the hell do you fall asleep right before the first pick is made!? The draft hasn’t even begun yet – hence, Antonio Brown being picked as the consensus No. 1 choice – and yet this guy is already asleep? I think this dude has bigger issues than fantasy football if he passes out so quickly. And that’s quite evident with him hallucinating and seeing Brown. Can someone take this guy to a hospital? He’s in no condition to be doing a fantasy draft!
2. Speaking of fantasy football, I wanted to post this last week. I may get some stuff wrong, but I kicked major a** with this team last year, and I wanted to show it off:
That was my championship last season. I began the year 1-2, and didn’t lose again afterward, though I somehow tied. This may have ended up being the best fantasy team I’ve ever owned. Having those three dominant receivers in a 3-WR competitive league made me feel invulnerable. I honestly would’ve been utterly shocked if I had lost a single game during the second half of the season.
What’s the point of this entry, then? I honestly don’t know. I just wanted to share how proud I was of this fantasy team, and honestly, this was not meant as a brag. Seriously, it wasn’t! I swear! Not bragging at all! Not a bit!
3. The big news coming out of the Thursday night game was Brandon Marshall kneeling during the national anthem. I posted my Jerk of the Year entry on Colin Kaepernick last week, and I feel the same way about Marshall. My friend Body Burner, whom I was watching the game with, felt even stronger, calling Marshall a “Nazi” and cheering when he sustained an injury. His brother is a police officer, for the record.
I’m bringing up Marshall here because I saw something great. Marshall had an endorsement deal with Ari Academy Federal Credit Union. That’s no longer the case.
“Although we have enjoyed Brandon Marshall as our spokesperson over the past five months, Air Academy Federal Credit Union (AAFCU) has ended our partnership,” president Glenn Strebe said. “AAFCU is a membership-based organization who has proudly served the military community for over 60 years. While we respect Brandon�s right of expression, his actions are not a representation of our organization and membership. We wish Brandon well on his future endeavors.”
This just brightened my day. My only regret is not having endorsement deals with these communists myself that I could terminate. But maybe that’s possible… Hey Marshall, Kaepernick and Arian Foster: I’m going to give you 50 cents to talk about my Web site, oh wait, no I’m not, oh snap!
Random NFL Notes: Week 1:
1. I’m so glad it’s autumn. Sure, I’m going to miss sitting outside in the warm weather and creepily staring at scantily dressed women, but the return of football is worth it. Besides, we get to stop having ESPN shove baseball down our throats. I’ve always theorized that the only reason baseball is popular is because there’s nothing else on in the summer. I mean, there’s no other explanation for anyone tuning into a “sport” in which a bunch of fat guys just stand around, chew tobacco and scratch their balls.
The worst thing about our summer sport is that ESPN televises Little League Baseball, which I think is the worst thing ever. First of all, I don’t think it should be on TV at all. I mean, really, who’s tuning in and watching that crap besides lonely men with mustaches who enjoy watching little boys a bit too much? That’s seriously Little League Baseball’s core audience. And second, they’re just kids. These are 12-year-old children who stand on the other side of the gym than the girls in their class. Why would any non-pervs want to see this?
What sparked this ire was ESPN airing some Little League game between Washington and Idaho. I saw this because I have a scheduled recording for Pardon the Interruption, which was moved to ESPN2 in lieu of perv programming. I was furious. Why couldn’t ESPN have the Little League game on ESPN2, since people, like me, record their daily programs? Don’t they know they’re screwing with their audience? Why does ESPN not care? I’m not even asking them to put Little League on the ESPN Perverts Network. Just don’t f*** up people’s lives by moving something people actually watch!
2. We had another sporting event this summer, the Olympic games! How fun! Not.
I’ve made it known that I hate the Olympics. By now, you’re probably picturing me as some old man sitting on a porch chair, throwing rocks at kids who look like they’re having too much fun. And you would be right. But I don’t know what that has to do with hating the Olympics!
I just don’t get the appeal. America’s mostly great and all, despite what some communist quarterbacks may think, but what do we get for athletes winning medals? And some of them are douches anyway, like Ryan Lochte. They don’t care about me, and I don’t care about them.
In fact, I think America is better off not winning any medals. That way, other countries stop hating us. If we sucked at everything, we’d be the butt of every joke. Instead of wanting to bomb us, Middle Eastern countries would be thinking, “Haha, silly Americans, they can’t win at anything! Not even worth hating! Now, let’s find all the gays and kill them, and then donate money to Hillary Clinton!”
See? I know how to create world peace. All we need to do is have our douche athletes lose on purpose!
3. Lastly, if you’re looking for my thoughts on Colin Kaepernick, you can check out my Jerks of the Year entry, but don’t read it if you’re too sensitive and fail to understand logic. You’ve been warned!
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