Chicago Bulls: Derrick Rose, PG, Memphis 
6/25/08: It’s the day before the NBA Draft and I’m still copying every other NBA Mock Draft on the Internet. In all seriousness, Derrick Rose seems to make the most sense. He’s from the area and point guard is a bigger need. Rose can do for the Bulls what Chris Paul and Deron Williams have done for the Hornets and Jazz, respectively.
5/31/08 (Derrick Rose): This 2008 NBA Mock Draft is going to be different from the other ones on the Internet. I’ll attempt to inject it with some humor, of course, but this mock will be the only one on the Web that has commentary from Dick Stockton, Reggie Miller, Charles Barkley, and of course, Emmitt Smith. With these four helping me out, there’s absolutely no way my mock is going to be accurate. But at least it’ll be entertaining.
The Bulls have to go Derrick Rose. They have like 5,000 forwards and Kirk Hinrich isn’t a championship-caliber point guard. Hinrich’s contract is ridiculously massive for a guy who scores 11 points per game. Jerry Reinsdorf will draft Rose and trade Hinrich for a case of cupcakes and Oreos. That should last him through the weekend.
Miami Heat: Michael Beasley, SF, Kansas State 
6/25/08: And if Derrick Rose goes No. 1, this is the easiest selection in every NBA Mock Draft. The only way the Heat don’t take Michael Beasley is if the League of Extraordinarily Bad GMs swoops in and commandeers the franchise. Isiah Thomas will be calling up the Dallas Mavericks in an attempt to trade for Kevin Willis, even though he’s been retired for a few seasons. Billy King, meanwhile, would be packing up a suitcase full of $10,000 bills to hand to Willis as soon as he’s drafted.
By the way, I know there are reports that the Heat dislike Beasley. This is B.S. unless the League of Extraordinarily Bad GMs has already invaded South Beach.
5/31/08 (Michael Beasley): Did you see how happy Dwayne Wade looked when he found out his team wouldn’t be drafting No. 1? Very shady. It’s almost as if he knows the Bulls will screw up. Dwayne must have been misinformed; Pat Riley should have made it clear to him that the Clippers, Knicks, Grizzlies, Bucks and Timberwolves have no idea what they’re doing. Chicago is a year removed from a postseason appearance. Get your facts straight, Wade.
Minnesota Timberwolves: O.J. Mayo, SG, USC 
6/25/08: Leave it to the Timberwolves to do something dumb (see the 5/31 entry for more). Sure, pass on the 7-foot center who can score and play defense. Take the guy who jacks up 42,415 shots per quarter.
5/31/08 (Brook Lopez): The reason the NBA isn’t as good as it used to be is because the number of clueless GMs out there. Take the Timberwolves, for example. Check out their highest salaries for the 2008-09 season:
– Antoine Walker, $9.3 million (8.0 ppg, 3.7 rpg)
– Juwan Howard, $7.4 million (no longer on team – is he still alive?)
– Marko Jaric, $6.6 million (8.3 ppg, 3.0 rpg)
– Troy Hudson, $6.3 million (no longer on team)
– Greg Buckner, $3.8 million (4.0 ppg, 2.1 rpg)
Awesome job, guys. And it’s not like these contracts are expiring. Only Howard’s doesn’t extend past 2009. Walker, Jaric and Buckner are all booked till 2011, while Hudson’s deal ends in 2010.
So, it’s going to take more than a No. 3 pick to help Minnesota improve upon its 22-win total. David Stern should just demote this team to the NBDL until they find a GM who actually knows what he’s doing.
Seattle Sonics: Brook Lopez, C, Stanford 
6/25/08: I still don’t know where I got Brock Lopez from, but I do know that the Sonics need a point guard more than anything. However, how can you possibly pass up on a legitimate 7-foot center when your biggest rival took one with the first-overall selection in last year’s draft?
5/31/08 (O.J. Mayo): Lots of confusion already. Do I say the Sonics are from Seattle or Oklahoma City? Is it Brook Lopez or Brock Lopez? Can we really say O.J. Mayo is a freshman coming out of college if he’s really 45 years old? I think my brain’s going to explode.
At any rate, one thing I’m definitely sure of is that the Sonics are going to be freaking awesome in two years, no matter where they’re playing. Kevin Durant averaged 20.3 points per game as a 19-year-old rookie. The Sonics also have no bad contracts except for Donyell Marshall’s ($6 million), which expires after 2009. All the team needs is some backcourt help. They’ll get that with Mayo. And as an added bonus, Durant will get to share the gifts Mayo received from all the USC boosters!
Memphis Grizzlies: Eric Gordon, SG, Indiana 
6/25/08: This was easy. I was at the gym today and ESPN News was on. They were interviewing Eric Gordon, and the guy asking the questions said, “All of the mocks project you to go fifth to Memphis. Do the Grizzlies know they’re getting someone who looks like Fat Albert?” OK, maybe not that last part, but the fact remains that Gordon looks more like a fat kid than a basketball player.
I’d be careful if I were Memphis; Charlotte selected a guy who looked like a starving French painter (Adam Morrison) a couple of years ago, and we all know how that turned out. Then again, I doubt they care because they nearly gift-wrapped the Lakers a championship by giving them Pau Gasol for free.
5/31/08 (Danilo Gallinari): Why is no one talking about how shady the Pau Gasol trade was? You’re telling me that the Grizzlies accepted a crappy trade, dealing one of the better players in the NBA, and the GM who made the swap was formerly employed by the squad he dealt with? It’s almost as if the Lakers said, “Hey, Jerry, use your credentials to get a job with this crappy franchise. Then, when we’re close to a championship, give us your best player for nothing to put us over the top.”
Hey, I have no problem with this. More teams should try it. In fact, the Knicks should send Isiah Thomas to the Nets or Sixers. Not that they’d have to tell him to intentionally make lop-sided trades. Isiah can very well do that on his own.
Memphis got rid of a talented European guy, so it only makes sense that the team drafts another one to take his place.
New York Knicks: Joe Alexander, SF, West Virginia 
6/25/08: Surprise! Joe Alexander has soared up draft boards with great workouts all spring. Out of all the players available at this slot, Alexander seems like the best fit for the offense Mike D’Antoni is planning to install. Emmitt Smith even know this!
5/31/08 (Jerryd Bayless): TRADE RUMOR: ESPN’s Fictional Emmitt Smith is reporting that Isiah Thomas has offered this pick to an unnamed team for a package of veterans, including Jamal Mashburn, Vin Baker, Anfernee Hardaway, Stephon Marbury, Keith Van Horn, Kevin Willis, Glenn Robinson, Dominique Wilkins and Chris Webber.
“We realize that these players are a bit past their primes and some of them are currently on our team,” Isiah the Idiot never said. “But we’re getting nine players. We can only take one player with this pick. But with nine players – that makes us nine times more likely to make the playoffs! Who cares how much these guys are getting paid!? I want to do this trade!”
Somewhere, a Knicks fan just woke up in a cold sweat.
Los Angeles Clippers: Russell Westbrook, PG, UCLA 
6/25/08: Russell Westbrook is another player who has shot up draft boards. The Clippers need a legitimate point guard instead of just waiting around for Shaun Livingston to come back from his 500 injuries.
5/31/08 (Kevin Love): “How dumb are the Clippers? They had a nice, young team that worked hard. They just had to sign Tim Thomas. Thomas poisoned the entire squad. Now, everyone’s loafing around, ordering pizzas during practice and sleeping in smoke-filled, hippie-like vans outside of the Staples Center.”
I wrote that in my 2007 NBA Mock Draft. Twenty-three wins for the Clippers later, I’m patting myself on the back. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.
The Clippers should be disbanded. They’re useless. If the NBA got rid of six squads or so, they’d have more talent on the rest of the teams, which would make the league as a whole better.
The following squads should be eliminated along with the Clippers: Atlanta (no fans), Minnesota (this team is going to suck for the next 10 years, so who cares about them?), New Jersey (no fans), Orlando (no one really lives in Orlando) and maybe Toronto, only because Canadian taxes are too high.
At any rate, a power forward to replace Elton Brand.
Milwaukee Bucks: Danilo Gallinari, SF, Italy
6/25/08: Am I the only one who isn’t really looking forward to this draft? I’m usually stoked for the NBA Draft, but I really don’t care this year. Maybe it’s because that if you exclude Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley, I wouldn’t be surprised if every single prospect in this class is a bust, a la the 1991 NBA Draft when Larry Johnson, Terrell Brandon and Stacey Augmon were among the best players to emerge. Maybe I’m way off, but Eric Gordon being projected fifth pretty much shows how much this class sucks.
5/31/08 (Anthony Randolph): It seems like the Bucks have every position covered except small forward. This assumes that Yi Jianlian improves despite the fact that he looks like Skeletor.
About the seventh selection… Kevin Love reminds me of Rick Mahorn with an outside jump shot. He’s the type of player who would knee an opponent in the balls and whack them over the head with a two-by-four. You have to have a player like that on your team, especially with this new flopping instant replay in the works.
Charlotte Bobcats: Anthony Randolph, SF, LSU 
6/25/08: Larry Brown loves taking extremely athletic small forwards who have tons of potential but no real offensive game. He then rides them on the bench for years until he trades them away for veterans like Tyrone Hill and Haywoode Workman. These small forwards then do nothing until they’re in their contract year. They go for 20 and 10, prompting every talking head on ESPN to go, “Wow, he’s finally had his break-out year! [Insert team name here] must re-sign him to a max contract!” God, the NBA sucks.
5/31/08 (DeAndre Jordan): Be warned, Bobcats fans. I know you’re happy about landing Larry Brown, but you’re really getting a whiny man whose demeanor rivals that of an old housewife who can’t decide whether to play Bingo or Yahtzee on a Saturday night. Brown will be fine for 2-3 years, but soon after that, he’ll start grumbling about wanting to coach in another city. Then, he’ll whine about wanting to be the guy in North Carolina. And after that, he’ll rant about how he’s always wanted to coach preschool basketball because the way 4- and 5-year-olds play the game is so pure.
Believe me. As a former Sixers fan, I know what I’m talking about. You’ll start hating the guy in three years or less.
New Jersey Nets: Jerryd Bayless, SG/PG, Arizona 
6/25/08: Definitely not a need, but the Nets have to take the best player available so they can trade him and others to get under the cap for LeBron James. Here’s to hoping they fail miserably! (See entry below).
5/31/08 (Darrell Arthur): I have to admit that I hate the Nets. Not because I’m from Philly or anything. Not because their logo is an ugly shield either. But because I knew this one Nets fan in college. I let him borrow my Street Fighter III for the original PlayStation. As time went on, I kept asking for it back, but he always put it off and made excuses. Eventually, he told my roommate that he lost it. So, I asked for $20 from him (that’s how much I bought the game for), but he wouldn’t pay me back because he couldn’t afford it. Seriously, I’m pretty sure he would bug different people to swipe him in to the dining commons.
So, these are Nets fans: poor, freeloading, video-game stealing thieves. Ugh.
I’m kidding, of course. Of the 10 Nets fans who actually exist, I’m sure one or two of them are OK. Not all of them are thieves. Just a good amount.
Indiana Pacers: Kevin Love, PF, UCLA
6/25/08: Jermaine O’Neal was traded to the Raptors – great trade for Toronto, in my opinion, as Indiana will get nothing with the No. 17 pick – so the Pacers need to replenish their front court.
5/31/08 (Roy Hibbert): The Pacers need to start planning for life without Jermaine O’Neal. He’s getting $20 million a year and he has missed 122 games the past four years.
There aren’t really any solid centers after DeAndre Jordan, so the Pacers are stuck with reaching for a slow guy who disappears in big games. Other than those two issues, Roy Hibbert is pretty good!
Sacramento Kings: D.J. Augustin, PG, Texas 
6/25/08: How terrible does it feel to be a Kings fan right now? You lost in the 2002 Western Conference Finals because David Stern wanted the Lakers in the Finals. You didn’t make the playoffs this past season, yet didn’t do poorly enough to get into the top five of a very mediocre draft class. Bad times for all.
5/31/08 (Russell Westbrook): A point guard for a team that traded away Mike Bibby. For more detailed analysis on this pick, let’s turn to Fictional Emmitt Smith:
“These are a great pick for the Sacramento. Brian Westbrook is a good point guard from the college of UCLA, which stood for University of California in… uhh… National Football League Conference. I have never crossed the Sacramento line, but from what I hear, these are one of the best city in our country of North America. The Kings will make the Doggone Playoff with Russell Westburn in their running back positions.”
Portland Trailblazers: Mario Chalmers, PG, Kansas 
6/25/08: Question. If the Blazers get Greg Oden the acting lessions he seriously needs, does it count against the cap? And if it does, can they trade it in a couple of years for another crappy player with a massive contract? Just something to think about.
5/31/08 (D.J. Augustin): The Blazers are in great position to do some damage by 2009-10. Not only do they have great young talent, they’ll only have $19 million dedicated to the cap, as Steve Francis and Raef LaFrentz’s combined $29.8 million comes off the books. All this team needs is a reliable point guard and some acting lessons for Greg Oden.
Golden State Warriors: DeAndre Jordan, C, Texas A&M 
6/25/08: The Warriors always draft busts in the first round, so DeAndre Jordan is a perfect fit for this team. Golden State's front office will crap its pants if Jordan makes it past Charlotte and Indiana.
5/31/08 (Joe Alexander): Joe Alexander seems like a perfect fit for Golden State's run-and-gun offense.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that I could be an NBA general manager. Two years ago, I stated that the Sixers should have drafted Patrick O'Bryant because he was one of the best players in the class. Whoops. The Irish man apparently sucks, as he averaged 1.5 points per game last year. Maybe we can get Bill King to give him $500 million over eight years.
So, why would I be a candidate as an NBA GM? Because anyone can be one! Isiah trades for crappy and selfish players; King gives out tons of cash to anyone he sees; the Timberwolves have like $80 million tied up in players no longer on the team. I wouldn't do any of those things, so that makes me better than three guys employed by these billion-dollar franchises.
Phoenix Suns: Brandon Rush, SF, Kansas
6/25/08: The Suns ruined any chance they had at winning a championship when they traded Shawn Marion for Shaq. Speaking of Shaq, I hope he doesn't rap about me at some night club in New York now. I would be so insulted.
5/31/08 (Eric Gordon): Speaking of dumb NBA GMs, I called the Shaq trade completely idiotic from Day 1. Check my NBA picks archives if you don't believe me.
Their mindset? "Sure, let's get rid of our best defender who fits perfectly into our system for an immobile 40-year-old has-been who can't play in our style of offense! We'll win lots of playoff games with that strategy!"
I'm amazed Phoenix beat San Antonio once.
Philadelphia 76ers: Darrell Arthur, PF, Kansas
6/25/08: My dad has probably called me 65 times the past two days to ask me whom the Sixers were going to take at No. 16. My response all 65 times? "Who cares?" First of all, I'm not a Sixers fan, but even if I were, I would not be excited right now. They're not going to get anyone talented here. Maybe that's why the NBA Draft pales in comparison to the NFL Draft. In the NFL, at least half of all first-round picks will become something (I just made that stat up). In the NBA, almost every single selection after 10 will bust. I also just made that up, but I think I'm right.
5/31/08 (JaVale McGee): What the Sixers did was stupid. Sure, they finished the season well and scared the Pistons, giving their fans some hope for the future. That's great. Here's what the future looks like: multiple first- and second-round exits.
You need a superstar to win in the NBA. The Sixers do not have a superstar. They could have obtained one by tanking. That's what the Celtics did, and look at them now. Sure, they didn't draft anyone with their top choice last year, but they traded the selection for Ray Allen, who ignited the team to a Game 5 victory over Detroit.
To be a championship contender in the NBA, you have to go all the way down before you come back up. The Spurs did so, using a No. 1 pick on Tim Duncan. Four championships later, no one's complaining that they tanked the 1996-97 campaign.
Indiana Pacers: Roy Hibbert, C, Georgetown 
6/25/08: Indiana adds more size to compensate for the loss of Jermaine O'Neal. The NBA hasn't seen such a slow player like Roy Hibbert since Manute Bol or Shawn Bradley. Hibbert's going to be amazing to watch (compared to looking at grass grow).
5/31/08 (Donte Green): A quick note on Eric Gordon because I didn't get to mention it in my Phoenix write-up. I wouldn't take Gordon with a top 15 pick. No, not because of my mad NBA GM skillz...
I just don't think Gordon looks like an NBA player. More specifically, he looks like a fat kid who trick or treats, pretending that he's 10 when he's really 17 and just wants free candy. If he couldn't stay in shape in college, how's he going to maintain a healthy diet when he'll be able to buy 20 cheeseburgers for every meal with his new NBA contract?
Washington Bullets: Nicolas Batum, SG, France
Washington Bullets? You thought it was the Washington Wizards? Not on this site.
6/25/08: The Bullets love drafting foreign players. I'd say I'd have some concern over some Frenchman not being tough enough to play in the NBA (there are no timeouts for players to eat cheese and drink wine), but Tony Parker has turned out to be really good. I guess there are exceptions to every rule.
5/31/08 (Nicolas Batum): From my 2007 NBA Mock:
"I have to say that I was inspired the other day. I received an e-mail from a Washington D.C. sports blog that referred to the Wizards as the 'Bullets.' 'Wizards' is such a stupid name - sounds like something a bunch of nerds from the World of Warcraft would think of."
For anyone reading this who runs their own NBA Mock Draft: Please refer to the Wizards as the Bullets from now on. All the kids are doing it.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Marreese Speights, PF, Florida 
6/25/08: The Cavaliers need a low-post scoring threat. By the way, it sucks Chris Berman doesn't do the NBA; otherwise, he'd call this guy "Marreese 'Crazy' Speights" and then we'd have a great laugh and forget that ESPN foolishly ruined NFL Primetime, one of the best shows on TV. *Slams head against keyboard*. Damnitnowmyspacebardoesn'tworkahhhhhh!!!
5/31/08 (Chase Budinger): A second scoring option for LeBron James.
Speaking James, and the Bullets who picked in the previous slot, I think what Washington did to LeBron this postseason was despicable. If David Stern had any stones, he'd ban the Bullets from the playoffs next year.
That's right - ban them from the postseason. Washington intentionally tried to hurt LeBron. They said so before the series and they kept their word. How can they get away with nothing more than a small fine?
Stern needs to stop being a panzy and put his foot down. What if LeBron would have gotten seriously injured? His career might have been ruined. And from a financial standpoint, no one outside of Boston and Cleveland would have watched the Cavs-Celtics series.
If Stern really wants to clean up his product, he'll get this junk out of here and send a message to the league that he won't stand for anyone intentionally injuring an opposing player, especially a superstar.
Charlotte Bobcats: Robin Lopez, C, Stanford
6/25/08: Something else Larry Brown does besides draft crappy small forwards, whine and moan about wanting to coach little league basketball is draft big men with absolutely no offensive talent. That's Robin Lopez in a nutshell, though I think he could be a serviceable backup center for about a decade.
5/31/08 (Mario Chalmers): A real point guard for the Nuggets - something they haven't had since Andre Miller.
Remember that crazy pre-game hype dance George Karl did with his assistant coaches? Everyone made fun of it, and no one understood what Karl was doing. No one, except for me.
It's very obvious. Karl has lost his mind. And who can blame him? Can you imagine what Denver team meetings are like? Karl tells Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony to do one thing, and when the game starts, they start doing their own thing and refuse to play any defense.
Karl should just hit the slopes and hire a stunt double to take his place on the bench. I'd recommend Kansas football head coach Mark Mangino. Getting Mangino to coach the team (Karl can offer him hot dogs and donuts as incentive) would really work out for Denver, as Chalmers is from Kansas as well. That'll make his transition to the NBA much smoother.
New Jersey Nets: JaVale McGee, C, Nevada 
6/25/08: Argh, no Nets analysis. Fortunately, Fictional Emmitt Smith has volunteered to do some analysts about these pick:
"Jamal McGee are the right player for the New York Jets. He run long, jump fast and uhh... the other thing. Jamal McGee is from the college of Nevada, which have produced great talent like Kobe Brian, Ray Allens and Atari Stoudamire. With Jamal McGee, the Nets of the city of New Jersey will be in the Doggone Playoff by this time next year."
5/31/08 (Brook Lopez): Ugh, the Nets are picking again? I'm not doing any analysis for this. Let's bring in Fictional Dick Stockton, who seems a bit more clairvoyant than usual at the moment. Take it away, Dick!
"The New York Nets will take Rodrigo Lopez, a point guard from Syracuse University. The Knicks haven't had a great point guard since Kenny Anderson in the early 70s, which is only a decade ago. Head coach Byron Scott really likes Felipe Lopez and this he will be a great addition to the team. I really believe this will be a good match. Chuck Daily is a defensive-minded coach, and Tito Lopez is a defensive minded-player. Head coach Byron Scott really likes Felipe Lopez and this he will be a great addition to the team. Chuck Daily is a defensive-minded coach, and Tito Lopez is a defensive minded-player."
Whoops, guess we lost Dick at the end there. Oh well, no one's perfect!
Orlando Magic: Chris Douglas-Roberts, SG, Memphis
6/25/08: I'm very confused as to why Chris Douglas-Roberts is projected to go so low in the draft. I feel like he's one of the better players in this class, and it's not like he's undersized or anything. He's a 6-7 shooting guard for crying out loud. I also like Josh Duncan out of Xavier. He won't even be drafted.
5/31/08 (Chris Douglas-Roberts): Someone to play alongside Jameer Nelson in the backcourt. I liked giving the write-up to one of my analysts. Let's hand it off to Fictional Charles Barkley!
"This pick is stupid. The Orlando Magic are stupid. Why the hell is Law and Order not on after us on the West Coast? Law and Order is on after us on the East Coast! Why can't it be on the West Coast!? Why do I gotta DVR Law and Order from my house and not watch it from my hotel room? TNT hate the people from the West Coast. They like people from the East Coast, but they don't like people from the West Coast. What the people on the West Coast have to watch? Sex and the City? Sex and the City? This is stupid. Law and Order is much better than Sex and the City.
Utah Jazz: Nathan Jawai, PF/C, Australia
6/25/08: Another reason why I'm not excited about the NBA Draft. Just read the following post... It's amazing how much the NBA Draft doesn't matter unless you can get a top-three pick:
5/31/08 (Nathan Jawai): Excluding Deron Williams, here are Utah's first-round selections since 1999: Kris Humphries, Pavel Podkolzin, Kirk Snyder, Aleksander Pavlovic, Curtis Borchardt, Raul Lopez, DeShawn Stevenson and Maurice Almond.
Just proof that unlike the NFL, you don't build an NBA team through the draft; it's all about managing the cap, which as Charles Barkley would say, is stupid. The reason there are so many crappy NBA teams is because there are tons of GMs who don't know how to stay under the cap. And that's exactly why I would make for a solid GM. There are just so many idiots out there who would make me look semi-decent.
Seattle Sonics: Kyle Weaver, PG, Washington State 
6/25/08: The Sonics get the point guard they could have obtained at No. 4. It's amazing how there aren't any floor generals available in this class once you get past D.J. Augustin and Mario Chalmers. Someone will reach for Kyle Weaver.
5/31/08 (Kosta Koufos): The Suns are lucky they're not picking twice. Because David Stern hates the city of Phoenix, he'd manage to "lose their draft card" and penalize the team. Tell me you can't hear Stern saying this:
"With the 24th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Phoenix Suns select... oh wait a second, their card's not here! This team shall be penalized! No one will be able to play the next time they battle the Spurs! Muhahaha! And I shall select the crappiest player in the draft for them! With the 24th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, Overlord David Stern selects for the Phoenix Suns, Manute Bol, center, Africa!"
Houston Rockets: Kosta Koufos, C, Ohio State 
6/25/08: Just in case Yao Ming gets hurt again. Dikembe Mutombo just celebrated his 78th birthday, so he doesn't have much time left in the NBA.
At any rate, I'm very confused by Kosta Koufos. I thought he was a foreigner. I was shocked to find out he was born in Canton. Seriously? Canton of all places? I was thinking Chile, Finland, Sweden, even North Korea. Canton!?
5/31/08 (Brandon Rush): A non-choking Jayhawk, who beat the choking Tigers to try and help the choking Rockets, namely a choking Tracy McGrady. Now if we only could get Aurora Snow to be one of the cheerleaders...
San Antonio Spurs: Donte Greene, SF, Syracuse 
6/25/08: Some athleticism off the bench for the Spurs, who really got old in a hurry.
5/31/08 (Davon Jefferson): You know, I just realized that the Hawks aren't drafting in the top 10. How can this happen? My mind is about to implode. I'm going to have George Minkowski brain aneursyms and I'll travel back and forth through time. Stupid Hawks. How can they be good? Their fans don't even know when to cheer. And by "their fans," I'm talking about the 10 real Hawk fans; and not those posers in the lower seating area, who are actually corporate executives who don't even know what a double dribble is.
Portland Trailblazers: Alexis Ajinca, C, France
6/25/08: Reason No. 401,3tg,230 why the NBA Draft sucks compared to the NFL Draft: Foreign prospects. How can we as fans say that Alexis Ajinca from France is going to be awesome or Kosta Koustoffason from Western China will suck? Besides GMs, no one has ever seen these guys play. How can drunks sitting in the stands at the NBA Draft possibly boo a foreign player? They're too busy trying to figure out how to pronounce his name, and by the time they do that, it's already five picks later.
5/31/08 (Courtney Lee): I can't believe Reggie Miller declared that Chris Paul is the next Kevin Johnson. Way to go out on a limb, Reg. Even Marv Albert looked at Miller like he was on crack. I'm actually grateful Albert responded with, "I think Chris Paul is a bit better than Kevin Johnson right now," or else I would have lost my sanity. What else is Reggie going to say? That Byron Scott is the next Doug Moe? David West is the next Shawn Bradley? Reggie Miller, as an announcer, is the next John Madden? Wait, that last one should be the other way around.
Memphis Grizzlies: Jason Thompson, PF, Rider 
6/25/08: More words from Fictional Charles Barkley:
"This pick is stupid. The Memphis Grizzlies are stupid. Don't the Grizzlies play in some arena called the pyramid? That's stupid. Pyramids are stupid. Why they gotta be triangles? That's stupid. If I built a pyramid, I would make it a square. You could fit in more restaurants inside a square than a triangle. Even a rectangle would be better than a triangle. You could even fit in a couple of casinos in a rectangle. Ernie, why you shaking your head? That's stupid. The Grizzlies are stupid."
5/31/08 (Jason Thompson): What's this? Fictional Dick Stockton is back for some more dynamic analysis! My palms are sweating!
"John Thompson is going to be a great hockey player. The Memphis Tigers will be happy to have him. Kareem Abdul Thompson is from a small school named Alabama, which is near the Pacific Ocean. The Detroit Tigers are shaping up to be a good team. They just drafted Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Big Country Reeves to be a dynamic tandem for this new franchise. Tito Thompson will help Mexico get its first NFL franchise into the Stanley Cup Finals. "
I think Dick has some of his facts confused, but that's OK!
Detroit Pistons: Omer Asik, C, Turkey
6/25/08: I found myself cheering for Team Turkey in this soccer tournament thing they're having right now, though I can't name a single player on that team. I don't even understand the rules of soccer. What's up with the refs handing out multi-colored cards to the players? Do the players get to keep them for the next game if they don't use them? What if you don't want to pass go and collect $200? If you're in jail and your opponent has lots of hotels, wouldn't you want to stay in there? Rolling doubles would suck though.
At any rate, I was rooting for Team Turkey because turkey reminds me of Thanksgiving, and Thanksgiving reminds me of good food and football. I was sad when I saw Germany beat Team Turkey. Jerks.
5/31/08 (Marreese Speights): Fictional Emmitt Smith is jealous. I let Fictional Dick Stockton talk twice (mainly because Stockton forgot he did the first time and wouldn't stop pestering me), so I have to be fair and let Emmitt on again.
"J.J. Hickson are a great player from the college of N.C., which stand for North... uhh... America. I watch the Detroit Piston in the Doggone Playoff, They just do not have the answer for Kevin Garner, the superstar on the Boston Cells. Garrett is such a great talents because he is long, dominance and shooting. Long mean not short but uhh... the synophones of these. Dominance mean he beat everyone upside the head in his path. And shooting mean he leave the ball on the finger tops and toss it toward the hoops and then it go in - anything but nets!"
Boston Celtics: Courtney Lee, SG, Western Kentucky 
6/25/08: A replacement for Eddie House.
Fictional Emmitt would like to congratulate the Celtics on their championship:
"I have to say congratulation to the Boston Celtics. When they have Paul Pierce and Antoine Gordon a few years back, no one gave them a chance to win the Super Bowl. Now the Celtic have a Lombard Trophy in their case with the players they stuck with all of these years. They just make a few trade like getting Kevin Carter from the Minnesota Vikings. I am good friends with Kevin Carter, so I throughoutly enjoyed him winning the Doggone Playoff. He cry at the end when he was interview with Stephen The Smith but that is OK, I will forgave him. I am glad to see Doc River prove that he is one of the greatest coaches in the history of the NBA of all time. He have cemented a spot in Boston Celtics anthropology."
5/31/08 (J.J. Hickson): Taking what I used for the Celtics pick in my 2007 NBA Mock Draft. Why? Because I'm lazy, and as Emmitt Smith would say, "I have not realize the first round were so long! There is too many doggone pick!"
Take a look at THIS PICTURE and tell me that Doc Rivers doesn't look like a raging lunatic. I'll bet Danny Ainge is thinking, "Man, I'd fire this guy, but I'm afraid he'll break into my house and eat my kids!"
Or maybe Ainge knows what he's doing. Maybe I wouldn't be such a great NBA GM after all...
2009 NFL Mock Draft
Free NBA Picks
2009 NFL Draft Prospects
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