Todd McShay and Mel Kiper – Secret NFL Draft Discussion
Note: This is a satirical article containing an obvious fictional conversation, but it does have a point (illustrated by the ***, ^^^ and ### marks toward the end.)
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Todd McShay and Mel Kiper Jr. recently had a debate on SportsCenter that never aired. This tape was recovered from the vault at ESPN headquarters and shipped to my house. Crazy, eh? Due to copyright clauses (along with the fact that I’m technologically challenged), I can’t upload the tape onto YouTube, but I did manage to jot down the entire conversation into my HTML editor. Before I begin, I must note that WalterFootball.com is not responsible for any skin conditions resulting from Todd McShay’s endorsed tanning salon packages. |
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Sportscenter Host Josh Elliot: “Lets bring in our two NFL Draft gurus Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay. This question is sponsored by Snickers. How are you guys doing today?”
Mel Kiper Jr.: “I’m doing great, Jos…”
Todd McShay: (interrupting Kiper) “My teleprompter isn’t up yet. Damn it. What sort of hacks work here at ESPN by the way? Mel, I wore this suit one time so far this year, and I’m not in a good mood.”
Josh Elliot: “Guys, we have some technical malfunctions, so hold on for a few seconds.”
Mel Kiper Jr.: “So, Todd…”
Todd McShay: (interrupting Kiper) “I’m getting an important phone call. Hello? Hey, Mr. Mayock, how are you doing? I was wondering what your new rankings were going to look like. Could you please e-mail them to me, preferably before you release them to the public, but if they’re a little late, that’s fine too. Thanks!
Producer Who Just Sexually Harassed Two Female Employees: “Josh, we’re back on the air.”
Josh Elliot: “Lets bring in our two NFL Draft gurus Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay. This question is brought to you by Snickers. How are you guys doing today?”
Mel Kiper Jr.: “I’m doin…”
Todd McShay: (interrupting Kiper again) “Doing great Josh! Wish it was sunnier outside, but hey I can’t complain.”
Josh Elliot: “OK, so we brought you guys in here today to talk some Hall of Fame and fantasy football. The question on the board is should Joe Montana be allowed to stay in the Hall of Fame? Todd, in the production meeting yesterday you were very adamant that Montana doesn’t have a high-enough upside to stay in the Hall of Fame. Mel, where do you stand on this issue?”
Mel Kiper Jr.: “I’m a big Joe Montana guy, Todd isn’t. I like his leadership. I talked with defensive players, offensive players. You’re not voted on as a captain at San Francisco unless you are a great leader. Montana was respected – a guy who galvanized that team. We know he has the arm; we know Montana has the intangibles to stay in the Hall of Fame. He deserves to stay in Canton.”
Todd McShay: “Look, Joe Montana improved at San Francisco. He’s well coached, he played in a pro-style offense, and I get that. Montana has good tools, but he doesn’t have elite physical tools. He is 6-2, BARELY 6-2, about 205 pounds. He’s had a little bit of trouble in terms of getting beat up, and I wonder if his bust is going to hold up physically in Canton. His arm strength is good, but it’s not great. If you really study Montana, he has to overcompensate on a lot of throws. He makes his wide receivers work for the ball constantly. Montana had good accuracy; not great accuracy.”***
Mel Kiper Jr.: “Todd, Joe Montana is regarded as the best quarterback of all time. It doesn’t matter how tall or big he is. He threw for more than 40,000 yards and 270 touchdowns at San Francisco. When I talked to Jerry Rice, he said there were very few – if any – balls he could ever remember that he had to adjust to catch.”
Todd McShay: “I don’t care what Jerry Rice says. If you watch the tape, he’s always adjusting.” ^^^
Josh Elliot: “Todd you really think Joe Montana should be taken out of the Hall of Fame?”
Todd McShay: “Josh, he just isn’t tall enough. If he were 6-8 or 6-9, then maybe. When he threw the ball, his teammates had to catch it. He just isn’t good enough to stay in Canton.”
Josh Elliot: “Next question, brought to you by Kit-Kat. Guys, when the New England Patriot go down to the Pro Bowl to play the Super Bowl, going as sharp as a whistle, what happened to the… uhh.. guys who do not play the offense but play the other thing where you do not sometime try to score unless the ball come to you unexponentially sometime?”
Todd McShay and Mel Kiper: “Huh?”
Josh Elliot: “Whoops, sorry! That was one of Emmitt Smith’s old notes. How’d that get in there?”
Todd McShay: “Emmitt was OK, but can you imagine how many yards he would have ran for if he were 6-6 or 6-7 instead of 5-9? What a waste of talent…”
Josh Elliot: “Anyway, here’s a fantasy football question for you guys. Todd, you don’t think Philip Rivers is going to be a very good fantasy quarterback this season?”
Todd McShay: “In my upcoming fantasy football mock draft, I don’t think Rivers is going to be drafted at all.”
Mel Kiper Jr.: “Todd, are you crazy? The guy has put up at least 3,000 yards and 20 touchdowns in his last four seasons. Over 8,000 yards and 62 touchdowns the last two seasons! This guy is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. He is very tough and will play through pa-”
Todd McShay: “Rivers is tough. I’ll give him that, he is tough. Go back and watch some of these games. Look back and watch him pointing at fans. Getting into an argument and shoving Jay Cutler at the end of a game. Talking to fantasy nerds and seeing how he carries himself. I’m not saying Rivers is a bad person, but there are a lot of concerns listed in fantasy magazines, and how is he going to be as a leader next season? He reminds me of J.P. Losman coming out of Tulane. I would much rather have Kyle Orton. He’s nice. People like to talk to him. He gets along with friends. I think Philip Rivers is a huge fantasy risk next season. I wouldn’t draft him next year in fantasy football.”###
And that’s it – the tape got cut off. Again, WalterFootball.com is not responsible for any radioactive brain decay associated with tanning beds or Todd McShay’s mind-boggling nonsensical arguments.
*** – McShay similarly bashed Clausen for being 6-2, completely ignoring the fact that Brett Favre, Aaron Rodgers, Tony Romo, Kurt Warner, Donovan McNabb, Drew Brees, and even the great Joe Montana are 6-2 or shorter.
^^^ – McShay similarly ignored an interview Mel Kiper conducted with Jimmy Clausen’s teammate, Golden Tate. McShay dismissed it, “I don’t care what Golden Tate said.” Because something a fellow player says should always be ignored – you learn that in NFL Draft Analysis 101.
### – McShay similarly bashed Clausen for his arrogance, even equating him to J.P. Losman, who never had the talent level and was only drafted in the first round because NFL Draft analysts overhyped him. Once again, successful arrogant quarterbacks like Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler were ignored by the Sun Tan Man.
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