Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you might remember that I like to respond to my spam mails. It all started seven years ago, when a man named Jon Wire from the “United Bank of Africoan” promised me an ATM card of some sort, so I responded as a man named Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, who was raised by wolves. The following season, I received e-mails from Richard Held and Loon Bruce, who told me I won a Facebook Award, which comes with a “lump sum pay out of (750,000.00 GBP).” Pretending to be Matthew Millen Kim, I sent out my application and fake money.

I’ve been messing around with spammers ever since, pretending to be Harvey Weinstein, Tom Brady, Walter White and a 65-year-old virgin man living with his mother. I’ll have new answers to spam mails here, so check them out if you want to see me screw with spammers!

Many companies have taken the side of Ukraine in the war. No one, however, has been on Russia’s side. It’s time for that to change:

Something tells me that Putin won’t be getting that chicken parm sandwich he ordered!

I need some help understanding this e-mail. “New England Patriots” is the title and person(?) sending it, and yet it’s just gibberish:

Unfortunately, my reply would’ve been better if it was sent from Deshaun Watson.

Some guy named Chien Kwong e-mailed me about investing in my country. MY country! I have a country!

Sadly, I didn’t hear back from Chien. I guess he’s not a huge fan of Petoria.

Better Call Saul is one of the best shows on TV. It’s time to pretend to be Saul Goodman!

Unfortunately, I received an “address not found” e-mail when replying to the seller of phones.

Here’s an odd e-mail from some woman named Tracy Tee Tebow Lee:

Hunter might just get the job. He did a good job of refraining if he could receive some crack as a signing bonus.

An ugly woman sent me a long e-mail with a bunch of pictures:

One of the pictures not seen in below shows her putting what looks like a contact lens into a super hot girl’s eye:

This is almost too easy:

Here’s an e-mail from someone named Larrisa Chell that I received a few years ago:

Her name is Larrisa, Larrisa for short. Interesting. Let’s see if she’s willing to take a ride on Mr. Epstein’s plane!

Larrisa replied to me, but somehow knew my name is Walter:

“This are my photos,” eh? Sure. But my name isn’t Walter!

I didn’t get much of an answer in her next e-mail:

That’s it? What about the plane ride?

By the way, you may have noticed that I’ve spelled her name wrong. I wonder if she’ll ever say anything about that to me.

Larrisa replied to me, but did not mention the incorrect spelling:

Why did she begin her e-mail by typing, “Oh okay Gassing?” I said I was gassing up my plane. Did this make her think that my name is Gassing? Larrisa, Larrisa for short, doesn’t seem very bright!

Larrisa did not reply. Anyway, I have yet to pretend to be Roger Goodell this year, so let’s do that!

I realize I didn’t quite sound like Goodell. That’ll change soon…

Roger Goodell has a nice name? If he had any emotions, he’d be flattered!

Killy Killy continued to reply to me:

So much for the flattery! That doesn’t work with Roger Goodell. Killy Killy is on the verge of suspension because Goodell has suspected that she is smoking weed.

Killy Killy replied to Goodell. It’s time to discover if she will be suspended for smoking weed!

Well, that was anticlimactic. The good news is that Roger Goodell can pursue a relationship with Killy Killy:

That was it for Killy Killy. I guess she didn’t like Roger Goodell’s name that much after all.

A woman wearing no pants sent me an e-mail. My favorite outfit!

This may seem familiar because I posted this last year, as well as my response:

I didn’t get a reply from this Favour Otis lady until later, so I can now share her response!

Here we go! It’s time to pretend to be Pedo Peter!

Favour Otis sent me another picture that’s not quite safe for work. Here’s my reply:

I wonder if this spammer will recognize the so-called president of the free world. I’d normally think so, but these spammers are the dumbest people on Earth.

Ha! Guess I was right.

I have to give Pedo Peter some credit. I didn’t think he would remember that he’s currently the president!

Favour Otis continued to e-mail Pedo Peter:

Let’s give Favour Otis some insight into the inner workings of Pedo Peter:

Surely Favour Otis can’t be interested in someone who collects vials of children’s blood, right?

Not only did Favour Otis want to keep talking to someone who collected vials of children’s blood; she wanted to chat with him on the phone:

Poor Pedo Peter is so old that he doesn’t know what a phone is! Unfortunately, Favour Otis didn’t have much of a reply:

Will she say yes to the date!?

It’s time to see if Favour Otis will go to the drive-in theater with Pedo Peter for a date!

“I agree with you?” What kind of an answer is that? No man has ever gotten that response to the question, “Do you want to go out on a date?” Is that a yes? A no? Pedo Peter is confused enough as it is!

This is my last e-mail from Favour Otis. Does any brave soul out there want to text that number and see what happens?

Someone sent me an e-mail, referring to me as “Simmons.” I could’ve gone with Bill Simmons, but making fun of Ben Simmons is more fun:

This is obviously a nonsensical response, but if these dumb spammers don’t even know who Joe Biden is, I have to imagine that they’ve never heard of Ben Simmons.

Somehow, I received an e-mail back for my e-mail pretending to be Ben Simmons.

I don’t know why Amouzou was talking as if I never replied to him. Maybe Ben Simmons’ e-mails, much like his shot, always seem to miss the mark.

Ben Simmons must have missed again because there was no response to his e-mail. Time for something else:

Poor Alec Baldwin! All this bad stuff keeps happening to him!

Alec Baldwin didn’t receive a response, so let’s pretend to be another famous person who killed someone: