2014 Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you may know that I like to respond to my spam mails. It’s fun to mess with these a**hole spammers, and besides, if they’re busy contacting me, they’re not taking advantage of someone who’s naive, so I feel like I’m being a good Samaritan.

This spam mail was from someone named Michael:

Never trust Littlefinger, even when he tells you not to trust him. GG, Ned Stark.

What is up with the extra “transaction on U?” It’s like this guy’s in an echo chamber or something.

Unfortunately, he never responded to me. It’s a shame because I was looking forward to backstabbing him.

Here’s another strange spam mail:

This guy also didn’t respond to me, perhaps because he thought I was making fun of him. Perhaps he hanged himself because he realized that he sucked at his job. If so, awesome. One less a**hole spammer to worry about.

I’m not sure this one can be classified as spam mail. It was from sonmone named Jonathan Friedline, addressed to a teacher named Melissa. He wasn’t trying to get her to buy/click anything, so it may have been genuine. Nevertheless, I had to respond:

If there’s a teacher named Melissa out there who has been recently arrested for statutory rape(**), my bad!

(**) There’s no such thing as statutory rape in this instance, by the way. Any 17-year-old male would gladly bang his female teacher, provided she’s not an ugly hag or anything.

This hot chick recently added me on LinkedIn:

I accept all invitations, so I confirmed her request. She had 500-plus connections, so I assumed she was a real person who happened to be a fan of the site. That changed when I received this message from her:

How strange. I never would have thought that people joined LinkedIn to find a relationship. Since it would “be an honor” to know me, I just had to respond:

Let’s see how far I can take this. I would love it if I could convince her to come work with me at one of my brothels.

Laura Scott replied to me even though I told her that I backstabbed someone, which ultimately led to his demise. It was a long e-mail, so I’ll spare you. Here’s an excerpt:

I will like to know your name, How old are you, what you do for a living , Where are you from, have you ever been married before, Do you have any kid, Do you live alone, Do you own the house you are living or you rent, Have you ever meet anyone on the internet before, What do you want in a woman, will you like to have kids, Are you a christian, Do you believe in God , What is your favorite food, Do you like going to the movies, Do you like Mountain for vacation and What do you like to do for fun? I will be looking forward to read fro you very soon.

I think I can tell her a little bit about Littlefinger…

Laura Scott can’t possibly respond to someone who conspired to poison a prominent person, can she?

Apparently she can. She sent me a very long e-mail. Here’s an excerpt:

I bet Littlefinger is thrilled to hear that he’s in contact with a “high energy” woman. A perfect candidate for one of his brothels!

Here’s my response:

I mean, come on… if she replies to this after I told her I threw her out of a window, she’ll be the worst spam e-mailer of all time.

And guess what? Laura Scott is the worst spam e-mailer of all time! She apparently doesn’t give a damn that I threw a woman out of a window, or poisoned a king, or betrayed someone who ended up dying. Nope. Here’s what she wrote:

It’s time to cut to the chase and tell Laura why I am interested in her:

OK, so I think we can all agree that if Laura answers this e-mail, we can call her the dumbest human being of all time…

It’s time to pretend to be real-life celebrities/players. Here’s something I received from Ben Johnson:

My only regret about this spam response – besides the fact that Ben didn’t respond – is that I couldn’t answer a woman. Otherwise, I would have offered up a sweet kiss.

Take a look at this e-mail from an unfortunate man who was mugged on his way to Kiev:

Richie Incognito has really taken it to another level! I guess he doesn’t really have anything else to do, so why not turn into an international criminal?

Let’s get to an e-mail interaction in which someone hopefully responds to me. Here, I answered as everyone’s favorite racist NBA owner:

I was not drunk when I typed that out, I swear! I got distracted and wasn’t looking at the screen. However, I decided to keep the errors because it went along with the theme of Donald Sterling being completely incoherent.

Hopefully the lovely Miss Linia Wing gets back to me…

The lovely Miss Linia Wing replied to my Donald Sterling e-mail. I won’t bore you with it; as you can probably guess, it was a long, drawn-out e-mail in which she thanked God for finding me because her parents were killed by assassins, and now she needs to smuggle money into the country. Blah, blah, blah.

Here’s what I wrote back to Linia:

She can’t possibly reply to this, right? Probably not, but don’t underestimate the stupidity of these spammers.

Of course she could! Here’s Miss Linia Wing’s hilarious response:

Sweet, I can fund any hate group I want. Here, KKK, take your millions!

Unfortunately, I haven’t heard back from Mrs. Linia Wing for several days, so I fear as though she finally took the time to Google “Donald Sterling.”

The lovely Miss Linia Wing didn’t reply to me, so I guess she saw through my ruse. Let’s get to another spam e-mailer:

Bernie, as in Bernie Madoff. I’m going to have lots of fun with Bella’s money.

Bella responded to me, and why wouldn’t she? I only called myself Bernie. Bella told me about all of her troubles. More assassins slew her parents, and she needed to get the money out of the country as quickly as possible. It’s crazy how many royal assassins there are!

I won’t bother posting Bella’s long e-mail, so here’s my reply to her:

You know, I have the sudden urge that I can take a black drug addict off the street and turn him into a successful stockbroker.

I’d be disappointed in myself if I didn’t answer a spam e-mail as Josh Gordon this season. Here’s my opportunity:

I’m sure glad I’ve been “adviced” to contact Dr. Peter Ken. The address and phone number I gave him belong to the Browns’ stadium.

Hopefully the good doctor gets back to me…

Dr. Ken replied to Josh Gordon, as I hoped. He sent a long e-mail, and I’ll spare you. He also attached the following pictures:

The Nigerian Federal Ministry of Finance and the Federal High Court both approved me that quickly!? Wowzers. Peter Ken is one hell of a doctor.

Here’s my reply:

Hooray, Josh Gordon can smoke all the weed he wants to and not have it matter to him financially!

Here’s another exchange I recently had with Dr. Peter Ken:

I’ll admit, I’m a bit desperate to have him send over those documents to the Browns’ stadium. My only wish is that I could see the looks on the employees’ faces when they open up that letter. What would they do? Would they toss it? Hand it over to Josh Gordon? How would he react?

Dr. Ken replied quickly:

Unfortunately, I didn’t see this e-mail until after the weekend. Then again, I don’t see Josh Gordon answering e-mails over the weekend…

I hope to God that I didn’t miss the 48-hour cut-off window. If I did, I may have to drink and drive again.

Fortunately, I did not miss the cut-off window despite it being past 48 hours. Phew. I could barely sleep at night.

Dr. Peter Ken sent me this e-mail:

Noooo, ministry of finances, don’t canceling my swift credit card payment!!!

What’s with the “DUI” at the bottom of the e-mail? Is Dr. Ken keeping track if Josh Gordon’s arrests?

Dr. Ken’s e-mail also contained this: