Spam Mail

If you’ve followed this site for a while, you might remember that I like to respond to my spam mails. It all started seven years ago, when a man named Jon Wire from the “United Bank of Africoan” promised me an ATM card of some sort, so I responded as a man named Mister Compassion Chuck Norris, who was raised by wolves. The following season, I received e-mails from Richard Held and Loon Bruce, who told me I won a Facebook Award, which comes with a “lump sum pay out of (750,000.00 GBP).” Pretending to be Matthew Millen Kim, I sent out my application and fake money.

I’ve been messing around with spammers ever since, pretending to be Harvey Weinstein, Tom Brady, Walter White and a 65-year-old virgin man living with his mother. I’ll have new answers to spam mails here, so check them out if you want to see me screw with spammers!

I received a forwarded spam mail from e-mailer Brian H., who wanted me to reply to this:

I didn’t do a Game of Thrones reply last year, so it’s time for that:

Rev. Ernest C. Ebi didn’t answer, so I took drastic action against Brian. Sorry, Brian!

I received an e-mail from a woman named Fridaus, who said she wanted to get to know more about me. What if she can get to know about a lunatic who murdered 15,000 old people?

My reply:

If Fridaus has a grandma, let’s make that number 15,001!

Fridaus replied, though it wasn’t anything special:

I didn’t get a response after that, unfortunately. I guess Fridaus didn’t find the murder of grandparents to be a sexually stimulating conversation. Poor Andrew Cuomo must not go on many dates.

I have no idea I did this, but I applied for a job in a Monster Gulf database, whatever that is. I found out when Engr. Khaled Ali reached out to me:

Let me pretend to be someone else who relocated recently:

Engr. Khaled Ali never replied, probably because he realized that I would try to sleep my way to the top.

A woman reached out to me with a picture of her wearing no pants. My favorite outfit!

I had to go with a creepy guy in my response:

The woman with no pants never replied back to me, unfortunately. So, here’s a new e-mail from Nina Akroful:

I was skeptical of the sincerity of this e-mail, but the red font makes it legit. Let’s pretend to be someone outside of politics for once:

Surely this Nina person has heard of Robert De Niro. No way she’d reply to me, right?

Wrong! Nina replied not once, but twice!

Look at the timestamps of the two e-mails. How in the world did Nina send those at the same time!? That’s impressive. I just had to reply as Robert De Niro once again.

This had to be the final time Nina would contact “Robert De Niro,” right? No way she’d go for a lunatic who wants someone eaten by sharks.

I figured Nina wouldn’t be a fan of someone talking about another person dying via shark attack, but I was wrong:

In fact, Nina needs “someone like that in my life!” Wow. That’s crazy.

Here’s my reply:

I now believe Nina will respond. After all, she needs someone who will urinate on graves in her life.

Nina did, in fact, reply. It’s a long one:

That’s interesting that she mentioned movies first. Does she know who Robert De Niro is? I had to find out:

If Nina knows who Robert De Niro is, I wonder what she thinks about the possibility of engaging in water sports with him in order to mock the President of the United States.

Nina must me excited about water sports because she sent me back two e-mails, one of which was in her iconic red font:

Here’s my reply:

Unfortunately, that’s the last I heard from Nina. Apparently, she drew the line at physical abuse and an assassination attempt of the President of the United States!

I received an e-mail from the United Nations. I’m serious. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof:

Wow, that’s so cool! But wait, what is a “previous?” How could I respond to the previous if I don’t know what a previous is? Maybe I can ask as a famous corrupt politician!

A woman named Tiffany told me that she saw my profile. Which profile? I have no idea!

Let’s reply to her as a crazy person who always happens to be right somehow:

I’ve pretended to be some insane people in my replies, but I’ve never said anything this crazy. There’s no chance I’ll hear from Tiffany again.

I was wrong! Tiffany responded to me. Here’s the reply:

I like how Tiffany assumes I’ll be normal on Hangouts. Of course, Alex Jones is banned on Hangouts, so…

I won’t tease you again. I didn’t hear back from Tiffany. Perhaps I convinced her to stop using Hangouts because of the vampire lizards.

Here’s an e-mail from a woman named Givty Kay, except I know her name is not Givty Kay:

How do I know that’s not Givty Kay? The picture gave it away. Here’s an enlarged photo:

If you’re a porn expert like me, you know that’s famous porn actress Eva Lovia. If you’re unfamiliar with her work, feel free to do a Google image search of her to see some fun photos.

At any rate, it’s time to be the creepy vice president again!

I was sad not to hear back from Eva Lovia, but as a consolation prize, I was able to be the creepy vice president again in a reply to this e-mail:

Here’s my reply:

The vice president sure loves when people touch his hairy legs!

Eunice didn’t find it odd that I introduced myself as the vice president. She replied with lots of emojis:

How cute. The vice president really wants to sniff her hair.

I had my doubts about Eunice replying. How can you respond to something like that? Hmm…

Eunice apparently doesn’t care about a creepy guy sniffing dear hair. She wants to chat with him on Hangouts:

Time to reply with something a senile man would say:

Eunice never replied. It’s sad for the vice president, who will never get to sniff her hair while she types emojis. Poor guy.

Here’s an e-mail from someone who calls herself Sweet Rita:

I must show you what Sweet Rita is wearing in one of the pictures she sent me:

Hubba, hubba! Let’s see if Sweet Rita can fall in love with her polar opposite, Sour Patch!

Sweet Rita perhaps didn’t understand what I was trying to be as Sour Patch. She was interested though because she sent me two follow-up e-mails:

Wow, Sweet Rita is desperate for some Sour Patch lovin’ action!

OK, maybe not. Sweet Rita never replied. I guess she drew the line at having a grown man rely on his mother for Internet money!

Here’s an e-mail from someone named Amamatu:

I’ve been replying as creepy Joe Biden, but how about creepy Bill Cosby!?

Oh, that sneaky Bill Cosby! Amamatu must have actually heard of Bill Cosby, somehow, because she never responded.

I couldn’t believe this, but I received an e-mail from the New England Patriots: