Houston Rockets: Moe Harkless, SF, St. John's, 6-9, Fr.
So, the Rockets are apparently collecting all of these draft picks to trade for Dwight Howard. That seems like a good move. After all, basketball players who have no offensive game outside of five feet and can't be on the floor during the final few minutes because they suck at shooting free throws are a valued commodity.
Dallas Mavericks: Kendall Marshall, PG, North Carolina, 6-4, So.
I'll never forgive Kendall Marshall for ruining my bracket. I would have picked three correct Final Four teams this past April if that jerk Marshall hadn't gotten hurt. I can't believe he was that selfish. He'll be my sworn enemy for all eternity.
Houston Rockets: Arnett Moultrie, PF, Mississippi State, 6-11, Jr.
I guess the one good thing about landing Dwight Howard is that the Rockets may also obtain Deron Williams. Williams will do a great job of passing Howard the ball, and then Howard will get fouled and clank two free throws. And after that, Howard can stab his coach in the back by telling the owner how much he hates him. It'll be glorious, Houston.
Orlando Magic: Andrew Nicholson, PF, St. Bonaventure, 6-9, Sr.
Replace Dwight Howard with a smaller version of Dwight Howard - but this Dwight Howard won't stab any coaches in the back like the real Dwight Howard. As you can tell, I'm honestly befuddled by all the buzz surrounding Dwight Howard. The real Dwight Howard; not the fake Dwight Howard whom I said would become the next Dwight Howard, only a smaller version of Dwight Howard. Dwight Howard, Dwight Howard, Dwight Howard.
In all seriousness, I wouldn't want Dwight Howard on my team. He's a bad guy and can't be on the floor in the last five minutes. He also has no offensive game if he can't dunk. If he were half a foot shorter, he wouldn't be in the league.
Denver Nuggets: Terrence Jones, F, Kentucky, 6-9, So.
In addition to Dwight Howard, I hate Carmelo Anthony. Notice how the Nuggets have improved after trading Anthony, and how the Knicks have sucked ever since acquiring him? Anthony's one of those guys you don't want to play pick-up basketball with. He'll score almost all of the points, but your team will always lose because he takes so many shots despite constantly being triple teamed that everyone else on his team loses interest.
These promise things are a common thing in the NBA Draft, but I don't understand them. Who in the front office made the promise? Why was this promise made? What if someone unexpectedly falls, so Boston wants to take that "better" player?
I could just see it now:
Subject: Promise to pick yew!
hay royse white i work for the celtocs and im gunna make a Promise to pick yew in the draft on thurs! Cya soon in a celtocs uni!
Is this what an NBA Draft promise really looks like?
Whatever. I'm done with that confusing stuff. Boston could use Carmelo Anthony's little brother. I know I hated on Carmelo before, but Melo is a younger, better version.
Atlanta Hawks: Tony Wroten, PG, Washington, 6-6, Fr.
I don't pay attention to the Hawks, so I don't know if this pick makes sense. Hey, hey, hey, don't yell at me. If the people in Atlanta don't care about their basketball team, why should I?
Cleveland Cavaliers: Jeffery Taylor, SF, Vanderbilt, 6-7, Sr.
The Cavaliers have found success with a Duke point guard. Maybe they'll have even better luck with a Kentucky point guard, so don't count out Marquis Teague. Speaking to sources, however, they told me that there's about a 1-in-25 chance that Cleveland will take this Jeffery Taylor person, so that's what I'm going with.
Memphis Grizzlies: Marquis Teague, PG, Kentucky, 6-2, Fr.
I remember Marquis Teague stepping up in the NCAA Tournament when everyone thought he was a lost cause. This might mean that the Grizzlies are getting a steal with him at No. 25. Then again, it might mean they're taking a bust who had only a few good games. I'm confident that one of those two scenarios will come to fruition, but definitely not both.
Indiana Pacers: Draymond Green, F, Michigan State, 6-7, Sr.
One of the greatest disappointments in my life was when Draymond Green sucked and the Spartans were consequently bounced out of the NCAA Tournament this past spring. I picked the Spartans to reach the Final Four, so they did not cooperate with my prediction, for some scummy reason. Green, however, somehow got a reprieve, so he'll go to a team that historically has taken players who have been so-called "winners" in college.
Like I said before, I was glad Dallas won the championship, but I'm not completely relieved - because Miami could start rolling off NBA titles starting next year. And if that happens, I'm done watching the NBA. Seriously. I hate these a**holes, especially LeBron James, who is an arrogant turd who thinks he's better than everyone.
I'm sticking by what I said. I will not watch the NBA anymore until LeBron loses. I hate him more than Carmelo Anthony and Dwight Howard combined. I wouldn't have cared if he just left Cleveland for Miami quietly, but to do so on national television was disgusting. Watching him win "his" title this year was sickening, and it bothered me that he had so many bandwagon supporters. Anyone who rooted for LeBron has no soul, much like foreign people who like soccer.
Oh, and LeBron needs 12 rings to be in the same conversation as Michael Jordan. Jordan wouldn't have left the Bulls to team up with Stockton and Malone, or Olajuwon and Drexler, or Kemp and Payton. Yes, Jordan had Pippen, but that came via the draft. And even if that weren't the case, Jordan wouldn't have held a press conference to remind people how awesome he is, all while revealing that he was going to join Pippen in another city.
Goodbye, NBA, it was nice knowing you.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Jared Sullinger, PF, Ohio State, 6-9, So.
This reminds me of the DeJuan Blair situation from a few years ago. Blair fell because he had bad knees. Well, Jared Sullinger has a bad back. Trust me, I know how it is to have a bad back. I have a bad back, and I'd say I'm almost as athletic as the common NBA player. I'm only allowed to play basketball once per week, so the team that gets Sullinger can only use him that often.
I say Sullinger stops falling with the Thunder. Why? Because general manager Sam Presti learned with the Spurs, so he'll have the same mindset pertaining to players with chronic injuries.
Chicago Bulls: Will Barton, SG, Memphis, 6-6, So.
It's looking like Derrick Rose may not play again, so the Bulls need to bring in another guard from Memphis. Sources have told me that Will Barton is only 19 percent as good as Rose, so the Bulls should look to acquire 5.26 Bartons to make a complete Rose.
Golden State Warriors: Quincy Miller, SF, Baylor, 6-10, Fr.
I'm upset the Timberwolves and Jazz don't have picks in the first round. Those teams are always easy to figure out. Minnesota usually takes the most overrated point guard in the class, while Utah goes with the best white player available.
I blame David Stern for this. He pulled some strings and made sure the Timberwolves and Jazz wouldn't have first-round selections so that I would get fewer picks correct in my 2012 NBA Mock Draft.
Well, tis I who will have the last laugh, Stern, for I will not be watching your corrupt league in the foreseeable future.