New Orleans Hornets: Anthony Davis, PF, Kentucky, 6-10, Fr.
I watch college basketball and the NBA for betting purposes. I don't know much about these NBA Draft prospects. I just wanted to get that out of the way.
If you're looking for an 2012 NBA Mock Draft with smart analysis, click the link. If, however, you're more into fat, racial and dumb jokes, keep on reading.
I should note that I'm stealing David's pick of Anthony Davis. Some Web sites are speculating that the Hornets will pass on Davis - Tom Benson reportedly hates men with ugly unibrows - but I think that's a load of crap. Davis has to be the choice.
Charlotte Bobcats: Thomas Robinson, PF, Kansas, 6-9, Jr.
Thomas Robinson thinks he's better than Anthony Davis because he had better stats in college. He also happened to be two years older and play on a team with far less talent, so he had to do more offensively. In other words, Robinson makes stupid arguments.
Speaking of stupid, why does Charlotte have a team? The guy the team was named after, Bob Johnson, doesn't even own it anymore. Even he knew that this franchise was an abomination, so he knew to GTFO before he completely lost all of his money. If David Stern weren't so stubborn, he would have contracted the Bobcats and Hornets, which would have strengthened the depth of almost every team in the league.
Oh, and as I write every single year, it's the Washington Bullets; not the Washington Wizards. It would be the Washington Bullets if the douche bags running Washington weren't such righteous agenda-driven nut jobs. These people changed the cool Bullets name to the dorky Wizards, all because they think it'll decrease crime.
Well, news flash: Now, instead of buying guns and firing bullets, young gangstas are learning dark magic because of the Wizards team name. Soon enough, these kids will grow up into men, who will be running around Washington, chanting death spells at people.
The lesson, as always: Politicians suck.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Harrison Barnes, SF, North Carolina, 6-8, So.
Hey, Cleveland fans, sorry about LeBron James winning a championship. As a consolation prize, you get some guy named Harrison Barnes who probably won't live up to expectations because this was a one-man draft, and David Stern wasn't altruistic enough to give you two No. 1 overall selections in a row. On the bright side, perhaps Dan Gilbert will stop whoring out his son on lottery night.
Sacramento Kings: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, SF, Kentucky, 6-7, Fr.
I would take Michael Kidd-Gilchrist No. 2 overall if I were running an irrelevant team in North Carolina drafting right after the Hornets. A few reasons: One, I actually heard of Kidd-Gilchrist before the NCAA Tournament. Two, he took over games sometimes if I remember correctly. And three, John Calipari told me to when he had that interview on PTI. I don't know if it's the slicked-back graying hair or what, but Coach Cal seemingly can convince people to do anything or follow him anywhere. It's a good thing he's not evil, or he'd be commanding millions to commit violent crimes.
Portland Blazers: Damian Lillard, PG, Weber State, 6-3, Jr.
What the hell is Weber State? Whatever. The Blazers shouldn't even have this pick. They apparently acquired it from New Jersey for someone named Gerald Wallace. I had to look that name up, and as it turns out, he's a 30-year-old who averaged 13.8 points and 6.7 rebounds per game.
This is one of the reasons why the NBA Draft sucks in comparison to the NFL Draft. Could you imagine an NFL team trading the sixth-overall selection for a mediocre starter entering his 30s? OK, excluding the Redskins. NBA Draft picks are worthless unless you're at the very top, so franchises often give them away in salary dumps. If they don't value their own picks, why should the fans?
Golden State: Dion Waiters, SG, Syracuse, 6-4, So.
Congratulations are in order for the Warriors, who will be moving from Oakland to San Francisco in 2017. That's like living in a garbage dump and then moving to a mansion. I mean, sure, all the butlers, cooks and maids in that particular mansion enjoy sexy time with the same sex, but not that there's anything wrong with that.
Toronto Raptors: Austin Rivers, SG, Duke, 6-5, Fr.
Austin Rivers shouldn't have declared for the 2012 NBA Draft. As punishment, I hereby banish him to Canada. Muhahahaha!
Detroit Pistons: John Henson, PF, North Carolina, 6-10, Jr.
OK, this is when I'll stop copying David's picks. He has Andre Drummond here, and while that is a very logical pick, I think that Drummond will fall because he's a lazy bum. I love how Jim Calhoun said something like, "Andre will reach his potential in three or four years!" Wowzers. Only three or four years, eh? Yeah, some coach is going to love getting fired because of Drummond's infinitesimal progression.
At any rate, I'm going to mock Harrison Barnes here. I mean John Henson. Wait, they're not the same person, are they?
New Orleans Hornets: Andre Drummond, C, Connecticut, 7-0, Fr.
This is a good spot for Andre Drummond. Here's my thinking: Tom Benson wouldn't buy the Hornets unless David Stern would give him Anthony Davis. That's a proven fact. So, my theory is that Benson is subject to some bad karma, so he'll draft Drummond, thinking he's getting a steal, when in fact, he's obtaining a bum who will never live up to expectations.
Portland Blazers: Tyler Zeller, C, North Carolina, 7-0, Sr.
The Blazers have a history of drafting bust centers, so here's a new one to add to their collection. I don't mean to be racist, but North Carolina centers named Tyler haven't exactly panned out in the NBA.
Houston Rockets: Meyers Leonard, C, Illinois, 7-1, So.
Meyers Leonard's brother, Kawhi Leonard, was a huge success in San Antonio this past season, so the Bucks should definitely pick Meyers. Think that's stupid? Well, let me introduce you to Peyton and Eli Manning. Let's just ignore Cooper Manning. He was clearly adopted.
Phoenix Suns: Jeremy Lamb, SG, Connecticut, 6-5, So.
I would not draft Jeremy Lamb this high. He was the team leader of a UConn squad that flat-out quit in the middle of the season and yet somehow made it into the NCAA Tournament. When you're a captain and your team quits on you, that's not a good sign. So, with that in mind, I'm mocking Lamb to Phoenix because it's David Stern's mission to screw over the Suns.
Milwaukee Bucks: Terrence Ross, SG, Washington, 6-7, So.
Terrence Ross may or may not be good. You heard it here first. By the way, has anyone noticed how there's a lack of foreign players in this draft. My guess is that NBA executives have finally realized that foreign people have no souls. That's why they like soccer so much.
My dad unfortunately couldn't watch the 2011 NBA Draft with me last year because he had a business trip in Poland. He'll be home this year, which is originally wasn't the plan. He was scheduled to have another overseas visit with people who have no souls, but there was some sort of strike, so his trip was canceled.
Here are some of my dad's past reactions to his beloved Sixers' selections:
2010 NBA Draft:
With the No. 2 pick in the 2010 NBA Draft, the Sixers select Evan Turner.
7:43: My dad's reaction: "Thank God!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope they don't trade him!"
2009 NBA Draft:
8:49: The Sixers are just four picks away. My dad wants Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson or Wayne Ellington. Yeah, he's not a front-runner.
8:50: With the 13th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Indiana Pacers select Tyler Hansbrough, PF, North Carolina - My dad just groaned. "Oh no, my guy!"
9:03: My dad is beaming. The Sixers will have their choice of Ty Lawson and/or Wayne Ellington:
"Watch, if the Sixers draft these guys, they're going to be good next season."
9:09: My dad's pretty confident they're taking Lawson or Ellington... He also thinks they may take B.J. Mullens and trade him.
9:10: And on that note, t-minus three minutes and counting until my TV is debacled.
9:13: With the 17th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select Jrue Holiday, G, UCLA - Oh... no....
9:14: My dad on the pick:
"What the f***!?!??! I was afraid they'd take him. What the f***... I was afraid they were going to take him... I hope we're going to trade him. Why didn't they take Ty Lawson? Son of a b****. Why not Ellington? Maybe they'll trade down. Maybe they'll trade Holiday..."
9:16: I just told my dad Holiday averaged 8.5 ppg and shot 30.7 percent from three-point range at UCLA last year. He looks defeated.
2008 NBA Draft:
9:01: The Sixers are the clock. We're two minutes away from my dad throwing the remote at the TV.
9:02: My dad on the pick: "If Billy King were still the GM, he'd take some horrible small forward no one has ever heard of."
9:04: With the 16th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select PF Marreese Speights, Florida.
9:05: Silence. My dad hasn't said anything yet. Hey, I'm not complaining... the TV's not broken.
9:07: Silence regarding the new Eddie Murphy movie too. There's mass confusion going on here. My dad hasn't cheered the pick, and hasn't criticized it yet either. He's looking at the Philadelphia Daily News to try and figure out what happened. It's pretty eerie, I think I'd like to have my TV broken.
2007 NBA Draft:
8:32: With the 10th pick, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. My dad just shouted about 15 curse words in a row: "Billy King's an idiot. Why didn't he trade up for Hawes? First, the Sixers refused to tank at the end of the season. Next, King stays idle at No. 12 when the top 10 players are clearly a cut above everyone else!"
8:34: My dad just said the following, "Watch, King's going to pick Sean Williams at No. 12."
8:46: With the 12th pick, the Hawks select Thaddeus Young.
8:54: My dad was just on the phone with his co-worker. This is what the conversation sounded like: "Billy King is a f***ing idiot! Can someone fire him? Billy King and Isiah Thomas, two f***ing idiots! How many small forwards can you have? Every team picked up a good player. The Sixers got garbage, as usual. No one has heard of this guy! He was supposed to go No. 19 or 20."
Go to 2012 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 16-30 Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwith.