What is this?
This is my eighth-annual NBA Draft Blog. I'll be posting my thoughts about the first round of the NBA Draft here. That will include everything from the actual picks, to the ESPN personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so, so I hope you join me for the 2014 NBA Draft!
Also, Live 2014 NBA Draft Grades
will be posted here minutes after each pick. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball
Just walked into my parents' house. They have a new dog, a female Akita who's 8 months old. She pees all over the place as soon as I touch her. Naturally, she just did that, but at least I can say that I made a b***h wet herself.
I love how they're doing a Hakeem Olajuwon-Joel Embiid comparison? How about a more apt Greg Oden-Joel Embiid comparison?
My editor is working quickly on David's final 2014 NBA Mock Draft
Also, our NBA Draft Day
page is live with a message board and a live big board.
How is being 80 miles away from Milwaukee make Jabari Parker a "hometown kid?" I'm about 100 miles away from Harrisburg, and if a Harrisburg team drafted me, I wouldn't call myself a "hometown kid."
Stop it with Joel Embiid getting healthy. He'll never be healthy because big men get injured too often. Wasted pick for whoever takes him.
My dad, who just sat down, believes that I told him the Cavaliers will take Dante Exum. Based on what they've done in past years, that wouldn't surprise me. Like CoryCurren said last year, "With the first pick in the draft, Cleveland takes the eighth pick in the draft."
My dad thinks the Cavs will take Joel Oden in order to lure LeBron James. I guess that wouldn't be a wasted pick.
Speaking of my dad, here are some great moments from the past two NBA Drafts:
1. Evan Turner or Jrue Holiday:
8:28: My dad's trying to figure out what the Sixers gave up for Noel. "Evan Turner and 11th pick, probably? Or maybe just Evan Turner!? He's trash, he can go."
8:31: Sixers dealt Jrue Holiday and a first-round pick in 201? (couldn't hear it because Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose were yelling.)
8:32: My dad's going nuts. "The Sixers are crazy! They are crazy! What are they doing!? Holiday... he's the best player on the team!"
8:34: "F***ing idiots!" My dad yelled, walking to the bathroom.
8:35: "Keeping Evan Turner and giving up Jrue Holiday!? How can they do this? What a f***ing idiot team!" my dad yelled, walking out of the bathroom.
8:43: Whoa, the Sixers get the 2014 pick? "Now it makes sense!" my dad beams.
8:46: My dad's suddenly thrilled by these events. "We get Nerlens Noel, this kid and a 2014 pick! The Sixers will be great!"
9:44: My dad's already plotting for next year. "All the Sixers need to do is injure Anthony Davis, and they'll have the No. 1 pick."
2. Philly Trash:
7:58: My dad on Dion Waiters: "Speaking EXACTLY like Philadelphia trash. 'Nah mean? Nah mean? Nah mean?'"
9:33: My dad just realized that Shane Battier is the interviewer. "That's Shane Battier!? What the f*** is he doing there!? Go back to f***ing Miami."
4. Sixers Pick:
8:55: The Sixers are on the clock. Here we go. Terrence Jones better be a Sixer.
8:57: My dad's super pissed that ESPN cut to a commercial. "They're always against the Sixers! They hate the Sixers! Always commercials when they draft!"
With the 15th pick in the 2012 NBA Draft, the 76ers select Moe Harkless, F, St. John's
8:59: Uh oh...
"Who the f**k is that? WHO THE F**K IS THAT!? SIXERS ALWAYS DO SOMETHING STUPID! ALWAYS!"
9:01: My dogs are freaking out because my sister walked in. My dad, pissed about the pick and all the noise, just freaked out: "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IDIOTS! SIXERS AND THE DOGS ARE ALL IDIOTS!"
9:02: My dad's still ranting. "How many shooting forwards do they need? Why not Terrence Jones?"
5. Why Tyler Zeller Sucks:
9:12: My dad doesn't like Tyler Zeller. "He's slow, like Shawn Bradley. And he's ugly. Look at his face."
6. Forecasted Picks:
9:46: I told my dad the previous two picks ahead of time...
Dad: How'd you know this?
Dad: Who the f*** is Twitter?
David's final 2014 NBA Mock Draft
"The Cleveland Cavaliers are now on the clock, and I've slit Donald Sterling's throat in the back room."
"You know why they're booing? Because Cleveland bought the pick!" - My dad. I think it was Dan Gilbert's son's dark magic, but that's just me.
I don't know how Jabari Parker is a sure thing when he couldn't play defense against Mercer, blew several workouts and told two teams in the top three he didn't want to play for them. He sucks.
My dad doesn't know who Bill Simmons is. "Who the f*** is this idiot? Who the f*** will trade for Anthony Bennett?"
Cleveland ran out of time! Make the pick, Bucks!?
My dad just took a call from his employee, who asked whom the Sixers picked because he's out for dinner. "How the f*** can you go to dinner with your wife during the NBA Draft?"
With the No. 1 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Cavaliers select Andrew Wiggins, SF, Kansas
My dad thinks Wiggins will be dealt to the Sixers.
Bill Simmons said Jabari Parker was the safest pick in the draft, but he just said Andrew Wiggins is the safest pick Cleveland could have made. What?
I still stand by my belief that the Cavaliers were going to pick someone else until they learned the Sixers wanted to trade up for him. They definitely had no clue who was the top pick. I'm guessing they had Mitch McGary in their sights.
An A+ for the pick, an F for the suit. According to Wiggins, it was designed by someone named "Granny Williams," who probably doesn't even know what year it is.
With the No. 2 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Bucks select Jabari Parker, SF, Duke
Every team in Milwaukee's division should draft someone from Mercer so Parker is relegated to the bench.
The Bucks signed a hometown kid! From Chicago. The Chicago Bucks, apparently.
Heather Cox told Jabari Parker's dad to "enjoy tonight." Parker's dad promptly had the most depressed look I've ever seen on a person.
If the Sixers trade Michael Carter-Williams, my dad will burn the house down.
With the No. 3 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the 76ers select Joel Embiid, C, Kansas
Someone wake up Joel Oden!
My dad's convinced Joel Oden is going elsewhere. "He doesn't like it, you see!"
ESPN analyst: "Joel Embiid is Serge Ibaka." My dad: "F*** Serge Ibaka."
My dad's not even addressing Joel Oden possibly staying with the Sixers. "He's being traded, I guarantee it."
With the No. 4 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Magic select Aaron Gordon, PF, Arizona
"OH MY GOOODDDDD!" I don't know why my dad is so surprised by this. Orlando was a complete mystery.
I hate these Cliff Paul State Farm commercials. Why do Chris and Cliff Paul's sons look the same? Are they twin cousins or something? How does that work?
My dad's convinced that the Jazz will pick Doug McDermott because they need a white guy. As Emmitt would say, "The apple do not fall far from the orange."
With the No. 5 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Jazz select Dante Exum, G, Australia
What was the point of that Andy Katz piece? Why would ESPN want to spoil the pick like that? Worst decision ESPN has made since getting rid of NFL Primetime
Is it just me, or does Fran Fraschilla sound creepy when he says he's watching young kids overseas? I feel like that's the plot of Taken 3
Dante Exum's accent sounds fake. But even with that in mind, I'd still take him over Joel "I'm going to play 14 games per season" Oden.
With the No. 6 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Celtics select Marcus Smart, G, Oklahoma State
Marcus Smart takes dumb shots. He'll cost Boston at some point.
I feel like my dad has asked me if I want a sandwich like 10 times now. Why does he want me to eat a sandwich so badly? I'm almost scared to find out.
How can Marcus Smart be No. 1 in the advanced metrics if he fires up dozens of dumb threes every game?
With the No. 7 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Lakers select Julius Randle, F, Kentucky
I think every person in America had Julius Randle going to the Lakers. I know for a fact my parents' 8-month-old dog did as well.
By the way, all seven of the NBA Draft Grades
"If the Sixers keep Joel Embiid, it's only for one reason - so they'll be in the lottery against next year." - My dad. I think they're going to be in the lottery regardless.
The comparison for Julius Randle is Derrick Coleman? Uh oh. Coleman was infamous for eating dozens of doughnuts when he was in Philadelphia. He mailed in multiple seasons with the Sixers.
I just told my dad the Sixers want Vonleh. "Vonleh? Why would they want that bum?"
With the No. 8 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Kings select Nik Stauskas, G, Michigan
My dad's reaction: "Oh God! Oh God! I wanted the Sixers to get him!"
This is an actual conversation that just had happened:
Want an apple?
Nah, it's OK.
We'll split it.
I had an apple earlier.
So? Have another one.
I don't want another one.
Yes you do. Take it.
No, I don't want an apple.
But you want a half!
No I don't.
My dad upon seeing ESPN's Wimbledon commercial: "Who the f*** cares about tennis right now?"
With the No. 9 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hornets select Noah Vonleh, F, Indiana
Michael Jordan lives up to his strategy of picking the worst player available.
My dad's a fan. "Thank God! I don't want that loser Vonleh. We can draft Doug McDermott now!"
Noah Vonleh was drafted in the top 10 because of his hands? I see the NBA is behind the NFL in terms of picking solely because of measurables. Al Davis would've had a field day as an NBA owner.
"Noah... Vonleh... is a... great... playa..."
With the No. 10 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the 76ers select Elfrid Payton, G, Lousiana-Lafayette
My dad's comments:
"Who the f*** is that?"
"Why do we need another point guard?"
"It's a trade for Andrew Wiggins. I guarantee it."
If the Sixers keep Elfrid Payton and trade Michael Carter-Williams, they deserve to draft in the top 10 every year for the next century.
I'm tired of Bill Simmons already. His Boston bias is making him say stupid things about the Sixers so that they keep doing dumb things.
With the No. 11 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Nuggets select Doug McDermott, F, Creighton
"Sixers are SOOOO DUMMMBB! FUTURE LARRY BIRD!"
"When the Sixers picked Elfrid Payton, Denver was probably dancing because they got the next Larry Bird."
My dad, looking at the newspaper with Elfrid Payton's stats: "He shoots 50 percent free throws!" He then handed me the newspaper.
My response: "FG stands for field goals."
My dad is super distraught. "Ah, f***ing idiots. I thought we'd have McBucket."
Doug McDermott to Chicago. The Bulls might be my dad's new favorite team.
With the No. 12 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Magic select Dario Saric, F, Croatia
Wow. The Magic have to recruit this guy? Ugh. I don't think I'd ever take a foreigner who has to go back overseas. That has to be so deflating for the fans.
My dad is conjuring up all of these trades. He's now convinced the Sixers and Magic will make some sort of deal. Joel Embiid and Alfred Payton for Gordon and Saric, apparently.
With the No. 13 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Timberwolves select Zach LaVine, G, UCLA
I hate LeBron right now, but I'd feel so much better about him if he went back to Cleveland. He should definitely team up with Kevin Love and join the Cavs.
My dad just shouted something I can't write about Chris Rock.
Holy s***, my dad called the Sixers-Magic trade!
Well, half of it... "I like it! I like it!" I like it too. The Sixers are in full tank mode, and Michael Carter-Williams is going nowhere.
With the No. 14 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Suns select T.J. Warren, F, N.C. State
I still don't like the idea of picking foreigners who won't play right away, but the Sixers are a special case because they're gunning for the No. 1 pick again next year. The best part of the trade was making sure Michael Carter-Williams wasn't going anywhere though.
I don't get why they the 10th and 12th picks were traded straight up. The Sixers and Magic probably have something secret thrown in. Perhaps the Magic's owner gave his porn passwords to the Sixers' owner.
My dad's predicting a Joel Embiid for Julius Randle and Steve Nash trade.
With the No. 15 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hawks select Adreian Payne, F, Michigan State
"Payne in the a**!"
Why hello there, Heather Holworth. I can see Adreian Payne's strategy.
Cool move by Adam Silver.
This guy lost an eye and can't play basketball anymore, that's pretty rough. And I think I'm having a bad day when the a**hole at Saladworks gives me a third salad instead half of a salad.
With the No. 16 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Bulls select Jusuf Nurkic, C, Bosnia
My mom just put a giant tray of cheeseburgers down in front of me. I don't know if I'll be able to concentrate.
With the No. 17 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Celtics select James Young, G, Kentucky
I told my dad that James Young got into a car accident really. His response: "I got into a car accident today! Right when I was going home... a guy hit me. I yelled, 'F*** you' and went home because I had to watch the NBA Draft."
Ugh, Dawn of the Apes
... I feel like everything in Hollywood is a sequel, prequel or remake. That's why I've only been to the movies twice in the past year (seriously).
With the No. 18 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Suns select Tyler Ennis, G, Syracuse
Bill Simmons said he's worried Canada is dominating this draft. I'm worried about a potential war with Canada soon. Seriously. If Justin Bieber keeps getting into trouble, we'll deport him back to his home country. Canada, however, will respond by saying that they don't want him. Thus, there will be a war because neither country will want that lesbian-hairdo scumbag.
With the No. 19 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Nuggets select Gary Harris, G, Michigan State
I expected my dad to say something about the Bulls getting Doug McDermott, but he's too busy eating cheeseburgers. He hasn't said anything in 10 minutes.
Who the hell is interviewing Mitch Kupchak, Tyrion Lannister?
Tyrion Lannister should've asked Kupchak why he gave $50 billion to Kobe Bryant recently even though he tore his Achilles and will never be the same again.
Miami really needs to make a splash here; otherwise there will be zero people at their games next year.
This ESPN anti-Austalian bias has to stop.
With the No. 20 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Raptors select Bruno Caboclo, F, Brazil
The Raptors just drafted a South American male stripper.
Did Fran Fraschilla just say that Bruno Caboclo played for Panera Bread?
In 10 years, we might be looking back and saying that Bruno Caboclo is two years away.
If you missed my Jerks of the Week entry on those terrible Sprint Framily commercials
, here it is.
I know I said I hate Hollywood sequals, but Think Like a Man 2
looks like a real winner.
With the No. 21 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Thunder select Mitch McGary, F, Michigan
So part of what the Thunder got for James Harden is a fat white guy. Nice.
I wonder if someone can create a fake video of an athletic basketball player and trick the Raptors into drafting him.
With the No. 22 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Grizzlies select Jordan Adams, G, UCLA
The top players available on our Live NBA Draft Big Board
: Rodney Hood, Cleanthony Early, Clint Capela.
Badger on the commercial: "How do I look?" My dad: "Like s***."
With the No. 23 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Jazz select Rodney Hood, G, Duke
I don't know if I'd trust any Duke player. Mercer beat them. Mercer. I'd rather have the Mercer players.
I hate when players say they have a chip on their shoulder. I want them to actually mean it. If I were a prospect who fell later than expected, I'd go, "I'm going to make those teams pay. I will rip out their souls and drink their tears."
With the No. 24 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hornets select Shabazz Napier, G, Connecticut
Ugh, come on Jordan. He's not the worst player available.
Ha! Shabazz is going to Miami. I knew Michael Jordan wouldn't take a good player.
No, Shabazz, tell them you will eat everyone's soul!
With the No. 25 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Rockets select Clint Capela, F, Switzerland
Biggest upset in this draft is Clint Capela being black. I could have sworn he was white from all of the Switzerland games I watched this past season.
My dad likes this collecting cap space idea: "They're going to save money for Kevin Durant."
With the No. 26 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Hornets select P.J. Hairston, G, D-League
I don't think you ever want to hear "needs to work on conditioning" from a player your team just drafted. If a guy can't work hard for free, what's going to happen when he's getting six-figure paychecks?
My dad really wanted P.J. Hairston, however. He moaned and groaned, and then proceeded to fall asleep.
My dad just suddenly woke up: "Who's picking, Houston Rockets?" I was tempted to say the Sixers traded for Doug McDermott while he was asleep, but that would be too cruel.
That Kevin Durant commercial makes me want to... wait, what was that commercial for, anyway?
Sixers got a future first-round pick! Holy crap! And here I thought they were getting a porn password.
With the No. 27 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Suns select Bogdan Bogdanovic, G, Serbia
My dad is actually a huge fan of Bogdan Bogdanovic. "I watched him on TV once. He's good! Oh, he's good!"
With the No. 28 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Clippers select C.J. Wilcox, G, Washington
"The Clippers did something f***ed up, I knew it."
Gold by Jay-Z. Great. Jay-Z has already ruined music, and now he's going to ruin cologne.
Ugh. I have a rant about soccer I need to get to. Might as well do it now. Soccer sucks. It really, really, really, really, really sucks. The only reason people are watching it is because of patriotism. I love America, but I just don't see what the U.S. winning in soccer does for us. How does it improve America? In fact, I think losing benefits us more because then other countries won't hate us as much. I'll need to continue this in Jerks of the Week soon.
With the No. 29 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Thunder select Josh Huestis, F, Stanford
My dad with his best line of the night: "A black guy from Montana? What happened, was he kidnapped by gypsies and taken there?"
Crazy that Kobe Bryant made more than Duncan, Ginobli and Parker combined. That's how dumb that contract was. One of the worst deals in the history of professional sports.
With the No. 30 pick in the 2014 NBA Draft, the Spurs select Kyle Anderson, F, UCLA
"This marks the end of the first round. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go back to slitting Donald Sterling's throat in the back room."
Now that the first round is over, I'm going to sign off. The picks will be quicker in the second round, so I won't be able to type much in between posting David's Live 2014 NBA Draft Grades
OK, one more comment from my dad: "This is the longest two minutes of my life! This new guy from Brooklyn probably doesn't know how to walk to the podium."
Thanks for reading my nonsensical thoughts in this 2014 NBA Draft Blog. We'll keep posting the Live 2014 NBA Draft Grades
until the draft ends, and we'll have more 2014 NBA Draft analysis tomorrow, as well as a 2015 NBA Mock Draft
Live 2013 NBA Draft Blog
Live 2012 NBA Draft Blog
Live 2011 NBA Draft Blog
Live 2010 NBA Draft Blog
Live 2009 NBA Draft Blog
Live 2008 NBA Draft Blog
2013 NBA Mock Draft - Walt's
2013 NBA Mock Draft - David Kay's