Cleveland Cavaliers: Nerlens Noel, PF/C, Kentucky, 7-0, Fr.
This is supposedly one of the worst NBA Draft classes of all time, so in honor of this, I'd like to announce that this will be the worst NBA Mock Draft of all time. It's going to have the worst picks and the worst analysis. Seriously, there is no point in even reading this.
If you're looking for an 2013 NBA Mock Draft with smart analysis, click the link. If, however, you're more into fat, racial and dumb jokes, keep on reading.
Orlando Magic: Victor Oladipo, SG, Indiana, 6-4, Jr.
I'm not sure why an owner of another sports team is allowed to be an ESPN analyst, but Magic Johnson says that Victor Oladipo is the next Dwyane Wade. I don't know about all that, but Oladipo is definitely the safest player in this class. I'd take him over a 150-pound center with a torn ACL or the other center with the bad foot, or the other center with the missing left arm.
Washington Wizards: Otto Porter, SF, Georgetown, 6-8, Soph.
As I like to point out every year, it's Washington Bullets; not Washington Wizards. The a**holes running Washington changed the name in an attempt to decrease crime. Is there really a criminal out there who is thinking, "Man, I was gonna shoot dis punk with deez bullets, but bullets ain't cool no more cuz the basketball team changed deir name to da Wizards?" If so, bravo, politicians.
Charlotte Hornets: Ben McLemore, SG, Kansas, 6-5, Fr.
It's also Hornets; not Bobcats. No, really, Charlotte is changing its name back to Hornets in two years. Thank God. As everyone knows, there are so many more hornets than bobcats in Charlotte. In fact, I don't think there's a single bobcat in Charlotte. I have a friend who lives in Charlotte who told me this, so I didn't even have to Google it.
Phoenix Suns: Alex Len, C, Maryland, 7-1, Soph.
It's obvious that David Stern hates the city of Phoenix, so he should just own up to it. It's his last draft, after all. He should just skip the Suns' pick and be like, "whoops, how did that happen, lol?"
New Orleans Pelicans: Anthony Bennett, PF, UNLV, 6-8, Fr.
I understand that New Orleans wanted to rename its team with something that has to do with the area, which is why they chose the state bird. I would've gone with the New Orleans Missing Street Signs. I visited New Orleans in the middle of February. It was one of the best weeks of my life, save for one thing - there were no street signs anywhere. It was ridiculous. I seriously got lost every freaking time I got behind the wheel. Would it kill the New Orleans government to post some street signs for crying out loud?
Sacramento Kings: C.J. McCollum, SG, Lehigh, 6-3, Sr.
Chad Ford wrote the following: "Kings coach Mike Malone is enamored with both Tim Hardaway Jr." First of all, not that there's anything wrong with that. Second, duh. Mike Malone, son of former Jazz guard Jeff Malone, obviously likes the children of former NBA players because he happens to be one himself. Unfortunately, it's a bit too early for Tim Hardaway Jr.
Detroit Pistons: Michael Carter-Williams, PG, Syracuse, 6-6, Soph.
It's insane how one dumb mistake can ruin an entire franchise. The Pistons could have drafted Dwyane Wade or Carmelo Anthony. Instead, they took some foreigner named Darko, which is why they've sucked for so long. As a Sixers' fan, I empathize. Philly could have landed Kevin Garnett instead of Jerry Stackhouse and Paul Pierce instead of Larry Hughes. Can you imagine a team comprised of Garnett, Pierce and Allen Iverson? They win at least five rings together.
Oh, and I have to admit something. When people joked around and yelled, "Kaaaaahhhhhnnnnn!" when former Timberwolves' GM David Kahn screwed up, I didn't know what they were referencing. Upon seeing the new Star Trek movie, I finally know. It was Spock the whole time.
Portland Blazers: Trey Burke, PG, Michigan, 6-1, Soph.
Speaking of David Kahn, here's a second starting point guard for the Blazers. Michael Carter-Williams has somehow snuck into draft consideration despite being 13 years old. Thus, Portland might be able to get 25 quality seasons out of him if he's still on the board. They have to settle for Trey Burke though.
Philadelphia 76ers: Cody Zeller, C, Indiana, 7-0, Soph.
I run a Live NBA Draft Blog every single year, and one thing people tell me that they look forward to is my dad's reaction to whom the Sixers pick. It's added incentive to go to my parents' house for the NBA Draft every June.
Here are some of my dad's past reactions to his beloved Sixers' selections:
2012 NBA Draft:
8:57: My dad's super pissed that ESPN cut to a commercial. "They're always against the Sixers! They hate the Sixers! Always commercials when they draft!"
With the 15th pick in the 2012 NBA Draft, the 76ers select Moe Harkless, F, St. John's
8:59: Uh oh...
"Who the f**k is that? WHO THE F**K IS THAT!? SIXERS ALWAYS DO SOMETHING STUPID! ALWAYS!"
9:01: My dogs are freaking out because my sister walked in. My dad, pissed about the pick and all the noise, just freaked out: "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IDIOTS! SIXERS AND THE DOGS ARE ALL IDIOTS!"
2010 NBA Draft:
With the No. 2 pick in the 2010 NBA Draft, the Sixers select Evan Turner.
7:43: My dad's reaction: "Thank God!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope they don't trade him!"
2009 NBA Draft:
8:49: The Sixers are just four picks away. My dad wants Tyler Hansbrough, Ty Lawson or Wayne Ellington. Yeah, he's not a front-runner.
8:50: With the 13th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Indiana Pacers select Tyler Hansbrough, PF, North Carolina - My dad just groaned. "Oh no, my guy!"
9:03: My dad is beaming. The Sixers will have their choice of Ty Lawson and/or Wayne Ellington:
"Watch, if the Sixers draft these guys, they're going to be good next season."
9:09: My dad's pretty confident they're taking Lawson or Ellington... He also thinks they may take B.J. Mullens and trade him.
9:10: And on that note, t-minus three minutes and counting until my TV is debacled.
9:13: With the 17th pick in the 2009 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select Jrue Holiday, G, UCLA - Oh... no....
9:14: My dad on the pick:
"What the f***!?!??! I was afraid they'd take him. What the f***... I was afraid they were going to take him... I hope we're going to trade him. Why didn't they take Ty Lawson? Son of a b****. Why not Ellington? Maybe they'll trade down. Maybe they'll trade Holiday..."
9:16: I just told my dad Holiday averaged 8.5 ppg and shot 30.7 percent from three-point range at UCLA last year. He looks defeated.
2008 NBA Draft:
9:01: The Sixers are the clock. We're two minutes away from my dad throwing the remote at the TV.
9:02: My dad on the pick: "If Billy King were still the GM, he'd take some horrible small forward no one has ever heard of."
9:04: With the 16th pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Philadelphia 76ers select PF Marreese Speights, Florida.
9:05: Silence. My dad hasn't said anything yet. Hey, I'm not complaining... the TV's not broken.
9:07: Silence regarding the new Eddie Murphy movie too. There's mass confusion going on here. My dad hasn't cheered the pick, and hasn't criticized it yet either. He's looking at the Philadelphia Daily News to try and figure out what happened. It's pretty eerie, I think I'd like to have my TV broken.
2007 NBA Draft:
8:32: With the 10th pick, the Kings select Spencer Hawes. My dad just shouted about 15 curse words in a row: "Billy King's an idiot. Why didn't he trade up for Hawes? First, the Sixers refused to tank at the end of the season. Next, King stays idle at No. 12 when the top 10 players are clearly a cut above everyone else!"
8:34: My dad just said the following, "Watch, King's going to pick Sean Williams at No. 12."
8:46: With the 12th pick, the Hawks select Thaddeus Young.
8:54: My dad was just on the phone with his co-worker. This is what the conversation sounded like: "Billy King is a f***ing idiot! Can someone fire him? Billy King and Isiah Thomas, two f***ing idiots! How many small forwards can you have? Every team picked up a good player. The Sixers got garbage, as usual. No one has heard of this guy! He was supposed to go No. 19 or 20."
Oklahoma City Thunder: Steven Adams, C, Pittsburgh, 7-0, Fr.
If I were an NBA GM, I'd never select a center in the middle of the first round. If a center was any good, he'd go top five - no question about it. It's like drafting quarterbacks in the second or third round. They pan out once in a while, but they usually bust because they'd go much earlier if there wasn't anything wrong with them.
Dallas Mavericks: Sergey Karasev, SF, Russia, 6-7, 1993
David wrote this in his 2013 NBA Mock Draft: "Rumors are swirling that the Mavericks want to deal this pick to save cap space for a potential run at Dwight Howard or Chris Paul." Getting Paul is a good idea. Howard? Not so much. I think Howard is the most overrated player in the NBA. He can't score five feet outside the basket, and he can't be on the floor in the final few minutes because he can't hit free throws.
Utah Jazz: Kelly Olynyk, 7-0, C, Gonzaga, Jr.
The Jazz have to go with the top white player available, or their fans won't renew their season tickets.
Milwaukee Bucks: Dennis Schroeder, PG, Germany, 6-2, 1993
Dennis Schroeder is from Germany. I saw a picture of him today, and I was shocked to see that he's black. I thought Germans were all white, but I guess you learn something new every day.
Go to 2013 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 16-30 Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.