32. Buffalo Bills (0-2) - Previously: #32 - Great e-mail from Jason W:
Walt, I know it's early, but any chance the league will let the Bills start negotiating early with the No. 1 pick? I can't wait to see Mark Ingram in a Bills uniform.
The sad thing is that Buffalo's front office is so inept that I could actually see this happen. Chan Gailey would defend the selection by saying, "We can do good tangs with a quick back like Spiller and an inside back like Ingram!"
31. Cleveland Browns (0-2) - Previously: #30 - I'm never laying points with Seneca "The Backdoor Bandit" Wallace again. Actually, I just wanted to use that nickname again.
More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:
1. "who should i start muhammad Massoquia"
Is this person asking Muhammad Massaquoi whom to start? I'm confused.
2. "HOT DANG !!! VIKINGS GETTING OWENED RIGHT NOW"
In case you're wondering, "owened" is the past tense of Owens.
3. "childress is a idiot take the feild goal"
"I" before "E" except after "C" - but not on the NFL.com GameCenter.
30. St. Louis Rams (0-2) - Previously: #31 - I'd love to say something here to piss off forum member Franchize (a Rams homer - yes, such a thing exists), but I can't. As far as ESPN is concerned, the Rams-Raiders game never took place yesterday. Trey Wingo, Merril Hoge and Trent Dilfer didn't show a single highlight of that contest on the new crappy NFL Primetime.
ESPN sucks and will never bring the good old NFL Primetime back. But if you feel as strongly about this as I do, make sure you join the Bring Back NFL Primetime Facebook page. On the bright side though, Chris Berman gave us "Joel 'Salad' Dreessen" at halftime during the 49ers-Saints game. Classic.
29. Detroit Lions (0-2) - Previously: #28 - A funny moment in the Lions-Eagles game: DeSean Jackson made what was incorrectly called a catch in the first quarter, as the ball slipped out of his hands at the end of the play. Jim Schwartz went berserk, jumping in the air and yelling incoherently. He challenged, and the play was overturned.
Thank God. Had Jackson's catch stood, Schwartz may have jumped off a building or lit himself on fire after the game. Plus, there was no way the officials were going to make it out of Ford Field alive.
28. Carolina Panthers (0-2) - Previously: #24 - Jimmy Clausen is starting, so Carolina is bettable again. No more silly interceptions thrown into triple coverage in the end zone, Panther fans!
Here's an interview I conducted with John Fox:
ME: Hey John, thanks for joining me.
FOX: "Hiya, Walt! I'm going to give you three choices now, are you ready? We can conduct this interview in English, French or gibberish! Which would you prefer?"
ME: What? Why can't we just do it in English? And why is gibberish one of the three choices?
FOX: "I like having lots of options!"
ME: Meh, whatever. OK, so you suffered a tough loss at Tampa. Were they better than you expected them to be, or did you just fail to execute your game plan?
FOX: "Je parle Francais."
ME: French, eh? So, you've made the switch to Jimmy Clausen. Can you explain why you're making the move now?
FOX: "Hubbada wubbada bubbada. Ding, dong, boom, pow!"
ME: Ugh, why are you doing this?
FOX: "I like speaking in multiple languages."
ME: Can't you just stick with one? Or perhaps two?
FOX: "But what's the fun in that?"
ME: What can we expect this Sunday? Will you be more conservative with Clausen, or are you going to let him air it out?
FOX: "Adoomba, clonk, powowowowowow."
ME: John, it seems like you're reverting to gibberish every time I ask you a tough question.
FOX: "That's not true."
ME: Fine, talk about your game plan with Clausen.
FOX: "Yokaka dokakaka weee popopopopopooooo blackenshpere."
ME: I get it. This your way of defending your use of Mike Goodson on the goal line. Once again, you're using a stupid third option in the most important situations. Why are you giving Goodson those carries anyway? And don't answer in gibberish!
FOX: "Je parle Francais."
ME: Ugh. Figures.
27. Seattle Seahawks (1-1) - Previously: #21 - The last time the Seahawks won on the road in a non-divisional game against team with its starting quarterback? Sept. 10, 2006: Seahawks 9, Lions 6.
The next time I think about picking the Seahawks on the road in a non-divisional contest when the line is close to being a pick-em? Please send me a computer virus so I can't get my bet into Bodog or 5Dimes.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1) - Previously: #25 - I'd joke about how the Jaguars should have felt right at home in San Diego because the Chargers failed to sell out their home opener, but then I'd just receive death threats from a couple of Jacksonville fans. So, I'll let that one slide.
25. Arizona Cardinals (1-1) - Previously: #23 - Based on how he played, it's quite possible that Derek Anderson eclipsed the 20-beer mark before the Atlanta game. I didn't hear Anderson's press conference afterward, but it may have sounded like this:
"Heeyy, wazzz you lookn at? Hic! I'm the starring quarerback of the St. Louis Carnals. Hic! Hey, I'mzz talkin tooo yewww. Whyzzz you think I had bad game? I swearzzz I'm not drunk occifer."
24. Oakland Raiders (1-1) - Previously: #29 - Great job by Rolando McClain suplexing the 5-11, 180-pound Danny Amendola into the ground this past Sunday. That showed a great deal of courage. For McClain's next feat, he'll punch an orphan - right after taking a poop on a kid in a wheelchair.
23. Kansas City Chiefs (2-0) - Previously: #26 - Worst 2-0 team ever? Quite possibly.
By the way, I hope Todd Haley is reading this so I can run something by him:
Haley, if you really want to convince everyone that Thomas Jones is better than Jamaal Charles, what you could do is set up that weird sprinkler system that they have in the Buffalo Wild Wings commercials. Then, when it looks like Charles is about to break another long gainer, you could have one of your minions turn on the sprinklers to ruin his potential touchdown.
It's a brilliant, fool-proof plan, Todd. If you follow through with it, please give me credit.
2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Atlanta Falcons (1-1). Previously: #14
12. Miami Dolphins (2-0). Previously: #15
13. New York Jets (1-1). Previously: #16
14. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1). Previously: #17
15. Tennessee Titans (1-1). Previously: #10
16. New York Giants (1-1). Previously: #12
17. Minnesota Vikings (0-2). Previously: #13
18. Chicago Bears (2-0). Previously: #24
19. Philadelphia Eagles (1-1). Previously: #18
20. San Francisco 49ers (1-1). Previously: #22
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-0). Previously: #20
22. Denver Broncos (1-1). Previously: #27