32.Tennessee Titans (0-6) - Previously: #24 - I'm convinced that Jeff Fisher woke up Sunday morning, saw the snow on the ground, and thought to himself, "What is this white stuff? We don't have any of this in Houston and Tennessee... it must be terrorists trying to steal my great game plan. That'll never happen! I'll call dives for my running backs and backward passes for my quarterbacks today! And I won't have any of my defensive backs cover the Patriots receivers! Ha! I'll show em. No one will steal my awesome game plan! No one!"
31.St. Louis Rams (0-6) - Previously: #31 - Keyshawn had something interesting to say about the Rams during Sunday NFL Countdown. And by interesting, I mean completely stupid and asinine:
"I know the Rams has not won a game in over a year."
And I know that Keyshawn "have" been studying his grammar from Emmitt Smith.
30.Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6) - Previously: #29 - Mike Ditka and Cris Carter both brought up good points regarding why there is such a big difference between the Haves and the Have Nots in the NFL:
"People evaluate talent who don't know how to evaluate talent. Some organizations care about how high a guy jumps or how fast he runs in a straight line," Ditka said, taking an obvious shot at Undead Al Davis.
"Teams are giving $40-$50 million to players who don't love football," Carter said, trying desperately not to finish the sentence with "hee hee hee honk honk."
Ditka and Carter were right on, but neither statement applied to the Buccaneers. But they're easy to figure out. Malcolm Glazer hasn't put any effort into improving the Bucs since he purchased his precious European soccer team. He even gave the great Michael Clayton a $24 million contract this offseason just to meet the salary-cap floor.
I don't think Tampa Bay will ever win as long as this soccer-loving fool is in charge. In my opinion, Glazer is the worst owner in the NFL. Sure, Al Davis and Daniel Snyder are inept, but at least they care. Glazer doesn't give a damn about the Buccaneers.
29.Washington Redskins (2-4) - Previously: #26 - Jim Zorn after his epic fail loss to the Chiefs: "You know, this offense is better than six points."
You're right, Jim. Your offense is a whole lot better than six points. In fact, it's an entire touchdown better because your offense is averaging 13 points per game this year. And by the way, those 13 points still wouldn't have been enough to beat the Chiefs.
28.Kansas City Chiefs (1-5) - Previously: #30 - Did anyone else think that Todd Haley's Gatorade shower was completely unnecessary? Congrats, Todd. Three of your five losses this year have been by double digits. Your quarterback still can't throw a deep out or go a series without taking a sack. Oh, but you beat the Redskins, who have given a whopping four teams their first win this year.
Beating the Redskins is nothing to be proud of, so Haley didn't deserve a Gatorade shower. So with that in mind, is there a chance that the players who dumped the Gatorade on Haley thought that the yellow liquid in the bucket was acid? I mean, this has to be a remote possibility, right? Acid would be an effective weapon against a dictator coach who benches everyone.
27.Detroit Lions (1-5) - Previously: #25 - The Lions checked out and didn't put forth any effort against the Packers, so I'll use this space for my exclusive interview with Andy Reid:
ME: Hey Andy, thanks for joining me. Tough loss against the Raiders. What exactly went wrong?
REID: "Injuries... uhh... umm... Jason Peters... uhh... hamstring... umm... Omar Gaither... uhh... hem, hem... thigh bone... uhh... Victor Abiamiri... umm... uhh... hem, hem... drum stick... uhh... time's yours..."
ME: Time's mine? So you're blaming injuries for your loss to the Raiders?
REID: "Tough loss man... uhh... it's my responsibility... hem, hem... didn't put the team... uhh... in a position to win... hem, hem... Time's yours..."
ME: Well, what about the offensive line? And what about Donovan McNabb trying to call a fourth timeout in the first half?
REID: "Tough loss man... uhh... it's my responsibility... hem, hem... didn't put the team... uhh... in a position to win... hem, hem... Time's yours..."
ME: Andy, you just said that. In fact, all of your post-game press conferences sound eerily similar. Wait, are you reading from a script? Don't shuffle your papers, talk to me, man!
REID: "Uhh... umm... five cheesesteaks... uhh... 20 sides of cheese fries... hem, hem... uhh... 40 buckets of chicken fingers... uhh... umm... come back later for more orders... Time's yours..."
ME: Coach, why are you reading off a menu now?
REID: "Sorry, got mixed in there, man... uhh... ummm... we played hard... couldn't come away with a win... uhh... ummm... uhh... my responsibility... uhh... time's yours."
ME: OK, I can just tell that you're going to read off a script and an occasional menu, so this interview is worthless. You can go back to your menu now.
REID: "Hem, hem... Time's mine."
26.Cleveland Browns (1-5) - Previously: #27 - I don't have anything witty or semi-humorous to say about Eric Mangina and the Browns this week, so let's do a player profile:
Player Profile: Donovan McNabb
Positives:
- Throws an incredible deep ball
- Is a great spokesman for Campbell's Chunky Soup
- Has never been responsible for a single loss (according to him, always teammates' fault)
- Has a future in acting (can vomit on command)
Negatives:
- Refuses to share the spotlight with anyone
- Isn't aware that games can end in ties
- Has no game-winning drives in the last five years
- Watches too much Chris Webber tape; thinks you can call four timeouts in a single half
- Vomits accidentally sometimes; often in big games
25.Oakland Raiders (2-4) - Previously: #32 - The Raiders finally won a game. The best moment was when a random pigeon flew alongside the Oakland players on kick coverage.
One has to wonder what Al Davis was thinking when this happened. Time for oddities!
10:1 - Nothing; Al Davis was too busy enjoying his raw meat and goat blood, and didn't see the play.
6:1 - "That bird... might be... a virgin... I must... sacrifice it... immediately... to prolong... my lifespan..."
2:1 - "Commissioner Pete Rozelle... is once again... conspiring against me... that bird... has been sent... from the... commissioner's office... to give us... a loss..."
1:7 - "Who is... that great player? He runs... a fast 40... I must... sign him... to a... $50 million... contract..."
24.Buffalo Bills (2-4) - Previously: #28 - R.I.P. Awesome No-Huddle Offense. You were working so well :-(
Great e-mail from Mark K. regarding my 24-6 Jets over Bills prediction:
"I am outraged at your prediction. How can you state that the Bills will score 6 points against the Jersey Jets!? People may think you meant a touchdown with a missed extra point and we all know that is not possible. You should qualify your prediction that the points will be scored by 3 safeties or 2 field goals, or if it is a touchdown that it was a fluke play by the not so special teams."
Mark was definitely right. The fluke was Trent Edwards getting hurt. Who saw Ryan Fitzpatrick leading this team to victory?
23.Carolina Panthers (2-3) - Previously: #23 - Since his playoff loss to the Cardinals, I've been speculating that when Jake Delhomme commits multiple turnovers in a game, he's appeasing his son's kidnappers. Well, I think it's time to say good riddance to Delhomme's chances of getting his son back.
Delhomme tried his hardest to lose to the Buccaneers. He tossed two picks (one returned for a touchdown), yet the Panthers still managed to cover the game at the very end. Delhomme will never see his son ever again. Let's just hope that the kidnappers treat him well.
2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Arizona Cardinals (3-2). Previously: #19
12. Miami Dolphins (2-3). Previously: #14
13. Chicago Bears (3-2). Previously: #12
14. Houston Texans (3-3). Previously: #20
15. San Francisco 49ers (3-2). Previously: #15
16. Green Bay Packers (3-2). Previously: #17
17. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2). Previously: #13
18. San Diego Chargers (2-3). Previously: #16
19. New York Jets (3-3). Previously: #11
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-4). Previously: #18
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3). Previously: #22
22. Dallas Cowboys (3-2). Previously: #21
32.Tennessee Titans (0-6) - Previously: #24 - I'm convinced that Jeff Fisher woke up Sunday morning, saw the snow on the ground, and thought to himself, "What is this white stuff? We don't have any of this in Houston and Tennessee... it must be terrorists trying to steal my great game plan. That'll never happen! I'll call dives for my running backs and backward passes for my quarterbacks today! And I won't have any of my defensive backs cover the Patriots receivers! Ha! I'll show em. No one will steal my awesome game plan! No one!"
31.St. Louis Rams (0-6) - Previously: #31 - Keyshawn had something interesting to say about the Rams during Sunday NFL Countdown. And by interesting, I mean completely stupid and asinine:
"I know the Rams has not won a game in over a year."
And I know that Keyshawn "have" been studying his grammar from Emmitt Smith.
30.Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-6) - Previously: #29 - Mike Ditka and Cris Carter both brought up good points regarding why there is such a big difference between the Haves and the Have Nots in the NFL:
"People evaluate talent who don't know how to evaluate talent. Some organizations care about how high a guy jumps or how fast he runs in a straight line," Ditka said, taking an obvious shot at Undead Al Davis.
"Teams are giving $40-$50 million to players who don't love football," Carter said, trying desperately not to finish the sentence with "hee hee hee honk honk."
Ditka and Carter were right on, but neither statement applied to the Buccaneers. But they're easy to figure out. Malcolm Glazer hasn't put any effort into improving the Bucs since he purchased his precious European soccer team. He even gave the great Michael Clayton a $24 million contract this offseason just to meet the salary-cap floor.
I don't think Tampa Bay will ever win as long as this soccer-loving fool is in charge. In my opinion, Glazer is the worst owner in the NFL. Sure, Al Davis and Daniel Snyder are inept, but at least they care. Glazer doesn't give a damn about the Buccaneers.
29.Washington Redskins (2-4) - Previously: #26 - Jim Zorn after his epic fail loss to the Chiefs: "You know, this offense is better than six points."
You're right, Jim. Your offense is a whole lot better than six points. In fact, it's an entire touchdown better because your offense is averaging 13 points per game this year. And by the way, those 13 points still wouldn't have been enough to beat the Chiefs.
28.Kansas City Chiefs (1-5) - Previously: #30 - Did anyone else think that Todd Haley's Gatorade shower was completely unnecessary? Congrats, Todd. Three of your five losses this year have been by double digits. Your quarterback still can't throw a deep out or go a series without taking a sack. Oh, but you beat the Redskins, who have given a whopping four teams their first win this year.
Beating the Redskins is nothing to be proud of, so Haley didn't deserve a Gatorade shower. So with that in mind, is there a chance that the players who dumped the Gatorade on Haley thought that the yellow liquid in the bucket was acid? I mean, this has to be a remote possibility, right? Acid would be an effective weapon against a dictator coach who benches everyone.
27.Detroit Lions (1-5) - Previously: #25 - The Lions checked out and didn't put forth any effort against the Packers, so I'll use this space for my exclusive interview with Andy Reid:
ME: Hey Andy, thanks for joining me. Tough loss against the Raiders. What exactly went wrong?
REID: "Injuries... uhh... umm... Jason Peters... uhh... hamstring... umm... Omar Gaither... uhh... hem, hem... thigh bone... uhh... Victor Abiamiri... umm... uhh... hem, hem... drum stick... uhh... time's yours..."
ME: Time's mine? So you're blaming injuries for your loss to the Raiders?
REID: "Tough loss man... uhh... it's my responsibility... hem, hem... didn't put the team... uhh... in a position to win... hem, hem... Time's yours..."
ME: Well, what about the offensive line? And what about Donovan McNabb trying to call a fourth timeout in the first half?
REID: "Tough loss man... uhh... it's my responsibility... hem, hem... didn't put the team... uhh... in a position to win... hem, hem... Time's yours..."
ME: Andy, you just said that. In fact, all of your post-game press conferences sound eerily similar. Wait, are you reading from a script? Don't shuffle your papers, talk to me, man!
REID: "Uhh... umm... five cheesesteaks... uhh... 20 sides of cheese fries... hem, hem... uhh... 40 buckets of chicken fingers... uhh... umm... come back later for more orders... Time's yours..."
ME: Coach, why are you reading off a menu now?
REID: "Sorry, got mixed in there, man... uhh... ummm... we played hard... couldn't come away with a win... uhh... ummm... uhh... my responsibility... uhh... time's yours."
ME: OK, I can just tell that you're going to read off a script and an occasional menu, so this interview is worthless. You can go back to your menu now.
REID: "Hem, hem... Time's mine."
26.Cleveland Browns (1-5) - Previously: #27 - I don't have anything witty or semi-humorous to say about Eric Mangina and the Browns this week, so let's do a player profile:
Player Profile: Donovan McNabb
Positives:
- Throws an incredible deep ball
- Is a great spokesman for Campbell's Chunky Soup
- Has never been responsible for a single loss (according to him, always teammates' fault)
- Has a future in acting (can vomit on command)
Negatives:
- Refuses to share the spotlight with anyone
- Isn't aware that games can end in ties
- Has no game-winning drives in the last five years
- Watches too much Chris Webber tape; thinks you can call four timeouts in a single half
- Vomits accidentally sometimes; often in big games
25.Oakland Raiders (2-4) - Previously: #32 - The Raiders finally won a game. The best moment was when a random pigeon flew alongside the Oakland players on kick coverage.
One has to wonder what Al Davis was thinking when this happened. Time for oddities!
10:1 - Nothing; Al Davis was too busy enjoying his raw meat and goat blood, and didn't see the play.
6:1 - "That bird... might be... a virgin... I must... sacrifice it... immediately... to prolong... my lifespan..."
2:1 - "Commissioner Pete Rozelle... is once again... conspiring against me... that bird... has been sent... from the... commissioner's office... to give us... a loss..."
1:7 - "Who is... that great player? He runs... a fast 40... I must... sign him... to a... $50 million... contract..."
24.Buffalo Bills (2-4) - Previously: #28 - R.I.P. Awesome No-Huddle Offense. You were working so well :-(
Great e-mail from Mark K. regarding my 24-6 Jets over Bills prediction:
"I am outraged at your prediction. How can you state that the Bills will score 6 points against the Jersey Jets!? People may think you meant a touchdown with a missed extra point and we all know that is not possible. You should qualify your prediction that the points will be scored by 3 safeties or 2 field goals, or if it is a touchdown that it was a fluke play by the not so special teams."
Mark was definitely right. The fluke was Trent Edwards getting hurt. Who saw Ryan Fitzpatrick leading this team to victory?
23.Carolina Panthers (2-3) - Previously: #23 - Since his playoff loss to the Cardinals, I've been speculating that when Jake Delhomme commits multiple turnovers in a game, he's appeasing his son's kidnappers. Well, I think it's time to say good riddance to Delhomme's chances of getting his son back.
Delhomme tried his hardest to lose to the Buccaneers. He tossed two picks (one returned for a touchdown), yet the Panthers still managed to cover the game at the very end. Delhomme will never see his son ever again. Let's just hope that the kidnappers treat him well.
2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Arizona Cardinals (3-2). Previously: #19
12. Miami Dolphins (2-3). Previously: #14
13. Chicago Bears (3-2). Previously: #12
14. Houston Texans (3-3). Previously: #20
15. San Francisco 49ers (3-2). Previously: #15
16. Green Bay Packers (3-2). Previously: #17
17. Philadelphia Eagles (3-2). Previously: #13
18. San Diego Chargers (2-3). Previously: #16
19. New York Jets (3-3). Previously: #11
20. Seattle Seahawks (2-4). Previously: #18
21. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3). Previously: #22
22. Dallas Cowboys (3-2). Previously: #21
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