32. St. Louis Rams (0-4) - Previously: #32 - Stupid Rams. They can't even lose right. With Marc Bulger, Steven Jackson, Torry Holt and dozens more all speaking out against Scott Linehan, and with the news that the head coach would be fired in the wake of a defeat, I thought it was obvious that St. Louis would try to lose on purpose. Yet, the Rams inexplicably led 14-6 at halftime. What were they doing? Did they not want a despised coach to get axed?
Here's an idea: Holt went to some of the Bills players before the game and said the following: "Hey guys, listen. We want to prove that we're a good team, but we want to lose so that Linehan loser gets fired. How about you give us the lead at halftime, and then we'll let you win. We'll even let you cover so that the people who follow WalterFootball.com's picks are happy. How does that sound?"
31. Detroit Lions (0-3) - Previously: #30 - Lions fans everywhere are glad Matt Millen was fired. I can't blame them for being optimistic for the first time in years, but in reality, they really shouldn't be. Bill Cowher's not coming. A knowledgeable GM? No way. William Clay Ford doesn't care about winning. He just wants to make money. He'll hire another Yes Man like Millen. There's a reason Millen wasn't fired until Clay Ford's son spoke out; Clay Ford thought Millen was doing a great job because he was a Yes Man. My suggestion? Find another team to cheer for until Emperor Clay Ford is taken down by a Jedi.
By the way, make sure you check out this week's version of 2013: Emmitt on the Brink, which will be posted on FRIDAY. The Patriots take on the Lions. Who will be Detroit's GM in five years? Find out on Friday.
30. Cincinnati Bengals (0-4) - Previously: #29 - Carson Palmer's elbow injury was pretty enigmatic. It really came out of nowhere. He wasn't limited in practice. He wasn't on the injury report. It was just announced that he was out of the game two hours prior to the team's matchup against the Browns. What happened exactly? Time for oddities!
8,000:1 - Palmer was really hurt.
10:1 - Palmer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and needed a week off.
1:2 - Palmer was summoned to the warden's office - I mean, owner's office - so that he could work on Mike Brown's ray gun.
EVEN - Palmer read my 2013: Emmitt on the Brink and realized that it's in his best interest to get released on an injury settlement like Rudi Johnson.
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3) - Previously: #31 - RIP Survivor Players who went with Denver and Dallas. Anyway, I can't believe Herm Edwards was even considering Tyler Thigpen over Damon Huard. Earlier in the week, Conservative Herm said he was "leaning toward Huard." Leaning? Did Herm like the way Thigpen began the Atlanta game 1-of-11 for -1 yards and an interception? I need to stop analyzing Herm because it's impossible to understand the way he thinks.
28. Cleveland Browns (1-3) - Previously: #27 - Congratulations on barely beating Ryan Fitzpatrick. Seriously. The Browns should be given some sort of gold star. And no, Romeo, you can't trade that in for an Oreo.
27. Miami Dolphins (1-2) - Previously: #28 - The Dolphins were on a bye, so let's use this space for my exclusive interview with Terrell Owens!
Hey, T.O. Thanks for joining me.
"T.O. gets out of his breaks, and when they bring the safety over the top, Tony's gonna make his reads and look elsewhere, but T.O. is open all the time, so T.O. doesn't know what the problem is."
Huh? I didn't even ask you a question. That's not how interviews work. I ask you a question, and you answer them. And why are you speaking in first-person?
"Why is T.O. not featured more prominently on this site? T.O. sees you have a football field for your background. T.O. thinks T.O. should be in the background. T.O. should also be the logo. T.O. doesn't know what the problem is."
If you weren't such an ego-maniac, I'd believe you were kidding. But you're serious, aren't you?
"T.O. is always serious. Why haven't you changed your Web site name to WalterFootballTO.com? Or better yet? TOFootballTO.com?"
Because that's just dumb.
"T.O. is ending this interview until you concede that T.O. should be thrown to every single play, and that your Web site should be called TOFootballTO.TO."
26. Atlanta Falcons (2-2) - Previously: #26 - I know Mike Smith is new to this head coaching thing, but can someone tell him that losing every road game by the score of 24-9 isn't a recipe for success? Maybe Falcons fans can petition Roger Goodell to have Atlanta host all 16 games against crap teams like the Lions, Chiefs and Rams.
25. Oakland Raiders (1-3) - Previously: #25 - If Al Davis foolishly fires Lane Kiffin, I reserve the right to make fun of his age. I reserve the right to make jokes about his thirst for goat blood and his need to sacrifice young maidens to prolong his life. I reserve the right to hint as his senility. I reserve... oh wait, I already do this stuff anyway. Never mind.
24. San Francisco 49ers (2-2) - Previously: #22 - I can't believe I was duped by Mike Martz. I drafted Peyton Manning in my Fantasy Touchdown league, so I needed a quarterback for Manning's Week 4 bye. I looked at the schedule, and saw "49ers at Saints." "Nice," I thought. "New Orleans' secondary sucks, and Martz is gonna throw the ball 5,000 times in that game." I was more confident when Martz called O'Sullivan the best quarterback he's ever coached. I actually believed O'Sullivan could put up 250 yards and at least three touchdowns, giving me 23 points - which is a ton in a Touchdown League.
Oops. O'Sullivan managed his 250 yards, but scored just one touchdown and threw two picks. That gave me a grand total of seven points, and I lost by 14. Never again will I trust Martz. He could tell me that the sky is blue, and I won't believe him.
23. Houston Texans (0-3) - Previously: #24 - The Texans' defense was so bad on Sunday, they were fooled on a fake punt in the first quarter. The problem? Jacksonville didn't even have a punter on the field! The guy posing as a punter was a running back named Montell Owens.
2008 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Indianapolis Colts (1-2). Previously: #9
12. San Diego Chargers (2-2). Previously: #11
13. Minnesota Vikings (1-3). Previously: #12
14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1). Previously: #13
15. Baltimore Ravens (2-1). Previously: #20
16. Carolina Panthers (3-1). Previously: #14
17. Seattle Seahawks (1-2). Previously: #15
18. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-2). Previously: #17
19. Chicago Bears (2-2). Previously: #19
20. New England Patriots (2-1). Previously: #21
21. New York Jets (2-2). Previously: #23
22. Arizona Cardinals (2-2). Previously: #16