Houston Texans (2-0) - Previously: #2 - If the Texans-Jaguars matchup was a Little League Baseball game, the umpires would have called it in the second inning. That's how lopsided it was. The kids on the Jaguars would then go home crying, save for Blaine Gabbert, who would be hiding in a secret compartment in the dugout so he wouldn't have to get hit again.
Baltimore Ravens (1-1) - Previously: #3 - I can already see some people in comment boards going: "OMGOMG OGMGO MOGMG O WALT ISS SO STUEPID HE MOVE THE RAVANS UP EVEN THO THEY LOSTED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"
Well, it's more that the stayed the same and the Patriots just moved down a lot. Plus, if the horrible replacement officials didn't call Jacoby Jones for a bogus offensive pass interference on what should have been a touchdown, Baltimore would be 2-0 right now. The fact that the Ravens should have won in a very tough spot says a lot about them.
San Francisco 49ers (2-0) - Previously: #4 - I ranked the 49ers No. 4 last week. I picked them to win and cover against Detroit. However, this was not enough because I still got hate mail from a San Francisco fan:
The 49ers just keep making you
look stupider and stupider hahahaha we got like the toughest schedule
in the league but were just gonna roll right through it
Why stupider and stupider? I picked them to win and cover today. I was going stupider and stupider, but not I'm trending smarter and smarter ;-)
Green Bay Packers (1-1) - Previously: #9 - Well I guess we now know for sure that the Packers didn't just beat themselves in that loss to San Francisco.
Speaking of the 49ers, if you didn't hear what Michael Irvin said earlier in the week, he predicted that Calvin Johnson would catch four touchdown passes against San Francisco. Megatron didn't even find the end zone once Sunday night.
This is the problem with hiring former athletes to do TV analysis. Yes, they know the x's and o's much better than a writer, but they usually have the I.Q. of a milk carton and/or they've suffered too many concussions to think clearly and/or they're still suffering the remnants of smoking crack earlier in their lifetime and/or they're still smoking crack.
Upon hearing what Irvin said, how did the NFL Network not drug test him? Seriously, if I were running the NFL Network, I would have asked for a urine sample right after the show was over.
New England Patriots (1-1) - Previously: #1 - I understand the Patriots not covering against the Cardinals, but not winning? Weh? Steven L., who runs FootballFanSpot.com, said it best:
Is there anyone left in the survivor pool? The lesson: Never bet against Kevin Kolb as a 14-point underdog on the East Coast at 1 p.m. Wait, what?
New York Giants (1-1) - Previously: #5 - Eli Manning for 510. Wow. But what was up with Greg Schiano's tactics at the end of the game? I called him up and set up an interview:
Me: Hey Greg, thanks for joining me. Sorry about your last-second loss. That had to be pretty tough on your players.
Greg Schiano: It's just one game. That's how I have to look at it.
Me: Fair enough. Now, I have to ask you, what happened at the end of the game?
Greg Schiano: Well, we were just desperate, trying to force a fluke fumble like in the San Diego-Kansas City game last year, but I think we got too carried away.
Me: OK, I guess that clears that up. Now, I want to ask you about Josh... Owww! What the hell was that?
Greg Schiano: Oh, sorry, I thought this interview was over?
Me: No, I had other questions. Like about Josh Freeman. He... ouch, dude, you just kicked me in the leg. Why did you do that?
Greg Schiano: You asked to talk about the incident at the end of the game. We did, and now the interview has come to an end.
Me: OK, fine, but, ouch! You just punched me in the knee cap. Why are you doing this?
Greg Schiano: Because the interview is over! Ha!
Me: But what does that have to do with the interview being finished? Why are you hitting me. F***, why'd you just hit me in the ankle with a hammer? Where'd you get a hammer from?
Greg Schiano: Preparation, idiot. I answered your questions, and now you're going to endure some Greg Schiano post-event punishment!
Me: No... but... I just wanted to ask questions... ahhh, why do you have a chainsaw!?
Greg Schiano: Because this interview is over! We did this at Rutgers! Have you not been watching Rutgers!? Muhahahahahahaha!!!
Atlanta Falcons (2-0) - Previously: #7 - Here's a recap of Falcons 27, Broncos 21:
- This should have been an awesome contest featuring a Hall-of-Fame quarterback battling a young signal-caller attempting to enter the upper echelon at his position. Instead, it was a circus. The officials screwed up so much that they became the primary focus of the game. Twitter's servers probably were close to exploding based on the amount of people complaining about the refereeing.
It was simply chaotic. There were two utterly egregious instances. The first occurred at the end of the opening quarter. Knowshon Moreno fumbled (more on this later) and the Broncos came out of the pile with the ball. The officials seemingly took forever to announce who had possession, save for one ref who signaled Falcon football, even though he didn't see where the football was. Because nothing was happening, the frustrated players started pushing each other around and a fight broke out. Ray Edwards would be whistled for unnecessary roughness, but Denver was never awarded the ball.
At the end of the second quarter, the officials made a correct call on an Atlanta defensive hold. Denver originally had the ball on the Atlanta 43, so the drive should have continued at the 38. Instead, the refs marked the ball at the 32. The collegiate rule for a defensive hold is 10 yards, so that could be where they screwed up. Still though, wouldn't they have placed it at the 33 if that were the case?
There were so many inept officiating moments. There was a pass interference on a tipped pass. There was a pass interference in which the receiver wasn't even touched. There were numerous delays so the refs could confer with the league supervisor. At one point, I tweeted (@walterfootball), "I think the officials are winning this game."
The sad thing is that I don't see this being resolved soon. Steve Young was absolutely right when he said that the NFL simply doesn't care about having replacement refs because it doesn't affect the demand for football. Still though, feel free to send angry tweets @nflcommish.
- Peyton Manning had a terrible first quarter, tossing three interceptions down the middle of the field in the first eight minutes of the game. The Falcons did a tremendous job disguising coverages. Manning (24-of-37, 241 yards, TD, 3 INTs) eventually figured things out, but it was too late, as Denver couldn't stop Atlanta one last time to retain possession.
- Manning's score to Demaryius Thomas (8-78) was an outstanding catch in the end zone where the athletic wideout did a phenomenal job tapping both feet in. No other Denver receiver did anything of note.
- Willis McGahee was awesome, rushing for 113 yards and two touchdowns on just 22 carries. He was relieved by Moreno, who had the aforementioned fumble. Moreno is a sunk cost and should not be on the roster. Lance "Playa Hatas'" Ball would be a better No. 2 option out of the backfield until Ronnie Hillman is ready.
- Matt Ryan outplayed his counterpart, going 24-of-36 for 219 yards and two touchdowns. He should have had an even better night, but his receivers dropped a handful of passes. Julio Jones, who was the primary guilty party, had just 14 receiving yards on four catches.
- Ryan's touchdowns went to Roddy White (8-102) and Tony Gonzalez (7-70). Michael Turner also scored, but gained just 42 yards on 17 carries. He still looks like he's running in quicksand.
Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1) - Previously: #12 - LaMarr Woodley guaranteed victory over the Jets, despite the fact that the Steelers were a 6-point favorite.
I have some guarantees of my own:
- The New York media will be calling for Tim Tebow soon.
- When asked if he should be the starter, Tebow will thank God for the opportunity to be doing an interview with that reporter.
- Fat Rex Ryan, kidnapped by the impostor Skinny Rex Ryan, will break free from the shackles in Skinny Rex Ryan's cabin in the woods. He'll then make his way to Jets' headquarters and eat Skinny Rex Ryan and immediately install Tebow as the starting quarterback. Because Fat Rex Ryan knows what he's doing.
San Diego Chargers (2-0) - Previously: #16 - I still don't fully trust the Chargers, but they've been really impressive defensively through two games.
Maybe A.J. Smith knew what he's been doing this whole time. Perhaps the key to advancing deep into the playoffs is to persevere through seven long years of terrible coaching, slow starts and late December meltdowns. Then - and only then - can an NFL team finally reach its potential.
Or it could just hire a competent head coach in the first place.
Detroit Lions (1-1) - Previously: #11 - Another team that moves up even though they losted OMG OMG OMG!!!
The Lions didn't have their entire secondary (as well as defensive tackle Corey Williams and running back Mikel Leshoure), yet they were highly competitive at San Francisco. Detroit will be much better once everyone gets healthy.
2012 NFL Power Rankings: Week 3 - Bottom 10
32. Cleveland Browns (0-2) - Previously: #32 - The Browns were the most disappointing team this weekend. I'm so upset that Brandon Weeden played relatively well. I wanted to keep making fun of his age, and I was looking forward to adding to the Things that are higher than Brandon Weeden's QB Rating thread.
I guess Cleveland fans have to be feeling pretty good. The rest of the team looked pretty competent, and yet the Browns managed to lose, so they're still the favorite in what Charlie is calling the Blow for Barkley sweepstakes.
31. Tennessee Titans (0-2) - Previously: #25 - I'm tempted to put the Titans at No. 32 because they're the only NFL team that hasn't been competitive in either of their games. But maybe they've battled just two really good teams. We'll see...
Anyway, it's the Adventures of Stupid Vince and Senile Bud! In this week's episode...
Bud Adams: Hey you, man servant, please take this note down to Jeff Fisher, pronto!
Vince Young: Derrr, I dunno what pr... printo mean derrr... is dat like when you print stuff on da comptor ha?
Bud Adams: Computer? My computer came in the mail from Dell? Finally!
Vince Young: Derrr, what should I do with da note ya gave me boss?
Bud Adams: Weh? Note? What note?
Vince Young: Ha like five minute ago you gave me da note and take it to Jeffisher ha.
Bud Adams: Fisher? I thought I fired that mustachioed a**hole years ago! Wait, who's the head coach now? It isn't Fisher is it? He better not have weaseled his way back into a job!
Vince Young: Derrr, weasel is like da rat dat is only bigger right boss ha?
Bud Adams: Man servant, what is that piece of paper you're holding in your hand? Is that for me? Give it here.
Vince Young: Derrr, OK boss, ha.
Bud Adams: What does this say, "Get me some hemorrhoid cream?" Someone needs hemorrhoid cream. Quick, man servant, get whoever gave this to you some hemorrhoid cream!
30. Oakland Raiders (0-2) - Previously: #22 - I found it funny that some NFL analyst on TV said that Oakland's addition of Matt Leinart will help Carson Palmer in Greg Knapp's offense. I can only imagine...
Carson Palmer: Matt, it's 3rd-and-12, and the game's on the line. You have experience in this offense. What should I do?
Matt Leinart: Carson, make sure you dump it off to the running back. Don't even look at those skinnier guys downfield! It's too risky!
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2) - Previously: #27 - Blaine Gabbert had as many pass attempts as passing yards (13) in the third quarter. You know what that means...
Blaine Gabbert: Oh no oh oh oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no that looks like a dangerous bottle oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no!!!
Derek Anderson: Commmeee maanann yyeeeerrr gunnn beee a goooddd quaarrrrrbaccck ifff ya drrrinkkk thisss hic!
Blaine Gabbert: It looks too dangerous! I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, what if it hits me hard and then I have a really painful boo-boo oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no please take me out of the game, I don't want to play anymore pleeeeaaasseee!!!
28. Miami Dolphins (1-1) - Previously: #31 - I'm too butthurt to write about the Dolphins because I was anally raped by Reggie Bush in three fantasy leagues on Sunday. I can barely walk right now.
27. Indianapolis Colts (1-1) - Previously: #30 - Andrew Luck. Still the best quarterback prospect since Robert Griffin. But I'm happy the Colts won. Had they blown a 20-6 lead and lost me $220, Luck would be the best quarterback prospect since Ryan Tannehill or maybe even Brandon Weeden.
26. Minnesota Vikings (1-1) - Previously: #24 - Facebook friend Ross F. pointed out something that Kenny Albert said during the Vikings-Colts game: "Is there any single player in the NFL who you'd rather have on offense over Percy Harvin?"
I guess Albert was too busy trying to make himself look like Adam Sandler that he forgot about, I don't know, Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Eli Manning, Calvin Johnson, Jimmy Graham, Rob Gronkowski, Larry Fitzgerald, Adrian Peterson... Wait, Peterson is on Harvin's team!
25. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) - Previously: #18 - I feel like the Chiefs will get it together. They were competitive against the Falcons without their top two defenders until the fourth quarter.
Funny e-mail from Alex F: So on NFL Sunday Countdown on ESPN, Keyshawn Johnson enlightened me with some information I was previously unaware of.
Apparently the Kansas City Chiefs were leading the league with 13 rushing touchdowns in 2010 and Dwayne Bowe had 15 of them...
As I wrote earlier, former athletes usually have the I.Q. of a milk carton and/or they've suffered too many concussions to think clearly and/or they're still suffering the remnants of smoking crack earlier in their lifetime and/or they're still smoking crack.
24. St. Louis Rams (1-1) - Previously: #29 - The Rams won, so it's time to troll some of their fans in the new crappy NFL.com GameCenter Facebook chat app:
I'm not getting any contact lenses in the near future from Adam because I won't want him to stupid on my eyes. And Chuck, by the way, seems like he was too busy drinking a bottle of vodka while typing that out, which would explain all of the extra letters.
23. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1) - Previously: #23 - The Bengals will not receive any sort of power ranking promotion for beating a 39-year-old quarterback and a defense missing its best player.
It's a good thing for the Bengal fan base that the team managed to beat the Browns because of what happened Thursday night. The good people of Cincinnati must have been frustrated to see Cedric Benson run with a sense of purpose for the first time in years. So, to make them feel better about themselves, here's a picture (from Facebook friend Sergio C.) that'll cheer them up:
This seems normal at first. It's just Benson having a good time at a party. But look closely to the right. Everyone in the picture is a dude. The only girl in the picture is the one in the front, but I'm pretty convinced that Benson photoshopped her in just to make it appear that he's not at a total sausage fest. And why do I get the feeling that the person the chick replaced in the picture is a certain former NFL general manager with an affinity for long meats?
2012 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Denver Broncos (1-1). Previously: #10
12. Arizona Cardinals (2-0). Previously: #26
13. Seattle Seahawks (1-1). Previously: #20
14. Philadelphia Eagles (2-0). Previously: #21
15. Dallas Cowboys (1-1). Previously: #8
16. Chicago Bears (1-1). Previously: #6
17. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1). Previously: #17
18. Carolina Panthers (1-1). Previously: #19
19. Washington Redskins (1-1). Previously: #13
20. New Orleans Saints (0-2). Previously: #15
21. New York Jets (1-1). Previously: #14
22. Buffalo Bills (1-1). Previously: #28
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Run Defenses, Pass Defense, Pass Protection:
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: