What is this? This is my 10th-annual NBA Draft Blog. I'll be posting my thoughts about the first round of the NBA Draft here. That will include everything from the actual picks, to the ESPN personalities, to the commercials, etc. Anything goes. This page will be updated every five minutes or so, so I hope you join me for the 2016 NBA Draft!
6:55: The live NBA Draft blog is live! You can comment and see a live big board on our NBA Draft Day Live page, and we'll be posting Live NBA Draft Grades here. The Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram grades are already posted.
6:59: Not a good start to the 2016 NBA Draft. I'm pulling s*** out of my teeth, which might be a filling I'll need to get fixed. Meanwhile, my dad is dealing with some shirtless guy here who won't leave.
7:00: The NBA Draft is about to start, and Lindsay Czarniak (spelling?) is showing us baseball highlights. Oh cool, a very important baseball game in mid-June. How great.
7:01: And of course, the soccer promos, since ESPN loves to shove third-world sports down our throats because it's so cultured.
7:02: Shut up, Lindsay, no one cares. Please stop talking so your chalkboard-scratching voice doesn't make my ears bleed.
7:03: I suppose I should explain the shirtless guy. It's not a "not that there's anything wrong with that situation." At least I hope not (not that there's anything wrong with hoping not.) He's here, apparently, to clean my dad's fish tank, but he won't leave. My dad keeps trying to get him out the door, but he's not getting the hint.
7:04: Did they just describe Jalen Rose as an "interior anchor?" What the hell is that? And no, Matt Millen, it's not someone you can insert kielbasas into.
7:06: Chris Broussard still has a job? Wow. I figured his difficulty with English would've gotten him fired years ago, but this is ESPN we're talking about.
7:07: I agree with Andy Katz. This draft sucks after the top two. And I even know this after doing all my research while tanning outside yesterday.
7:08: The Suns might take Dragon Bender, according to Marc Stein. I would also bend the knee in front of Daenerys Targaryen, so I understand Phoenix's interest.
7:09: I'm actually wondering if Dragon Bender should change his name to Imp Bender. This will never happen, but I would quite enjoy it if they decided to kill off Daenerys, forcing Tyrion to take control of the dragons, Dothraki and Unsullied. That would be the most intriguing storyline for sure, but HBO will never do it.
7:10: My dad's in favor of Ben Simmons over Brandon Ingram. I wish I could directly quote him, but Shirtless Fish Tank Man still won't leave.
7:12: I'm not a fan of Lisa Salters either, despite being a fellow Penn State alumnus with her. I just think she does a poor job interviewing. She doesn't appear to listen to answers, leading her to asking duplicate questions. But I don't completely hate her.
7:13: Brandon Ingram looks like he just smoked a bowl. He probably has no idea where he is right now.
7:14: This is a PSA to anyone who might be related to Shirtless Fish Tank Guy: Please call him and ask him to leave. My dad is now talking angrily, and I fear as though he may strangle him if he's not gone prior to the first pick.
7:15: Oh cool, the draft order. Thanks, ESPN, this is quite useful.
7:16: What's up with the Luke Walton hire? I get that he went 24-0, but he could just as easily go 0-24 with the horrible Lakers. NBA coaching doesn't matter unless Greg Popovich is involved. If Tyrann Lue can win a title, anyone can. My dog could've coached the Cavaliers to a championship.
7:17: OK, so more from my dad from earlier: He has no idea why Kris Dunn is going No. 3, and he's dreading trading Jahlil Okafor to the Celtics for Dunn. "It'll be like Charles Barkley again. He'll kill us for years!"
7:18: Whoops, meant to say Luke Walton is with the Lakers; not Knicks. I'm running on four hours of sleep because of my dog. Why can't he be coaching in Cleveland!?
7:20: Are these clowns really mocking Kris Dunn to the Lakers? Were they smoking with Brandon Ingram?
7:21: They changed to Ingram, thankfully. If this goes right, David will be six for six in his mock, which would be pretty cool. As it turns out, other people figured out the Lakers would be taking Ingram. I thought I'd be the only one to get that correct.
7:25: I think it's a little silly to say someone has greater upside because they're 18 compared to 20. They're grown men either way, and a 20-year-old can develop just as well as an 18-year-old. But what the hell do I know?
7:26: Thong Maker! If he goes undrafted, I will sign Thong Maker to make thongs for me.
7:28: Does anyone miss Bill Simmons here? Sure, he'd be good for some douchey comments about Deflategate or what he calls the "Washington professional football team," but he was at least interesting to listen to. I like Michael Wilbon and Jay Bilas though.
7:29: Shirtless Fish Tank Guy left. My dad is super relieved. "He stinks so much! I almost threw up! I don't understand how some people can't use deoderant!"
7:31: This is ESPN, so of course we need some crappy song that has to be played at the beginning and whenever the draft will come out of commercial.
7:34: I'm glad that some people are beginning to boo Adam Silver. Seems like the public is beginning to realize how much he sucks. My dad agrees: "Yeah, Cleveland won because of the referees. How much money did they give you?"
7:35: The 76ers have five minutes to make the pick, apparently. "Five minutes? They need five seconds!" - my dad.
7:36: I said earlier that I'd have my dad's take on Ben Simmons. "No tattoos. He'll be good."
7:37: My dad saw Brandon Ingram and looked surprised. "Jahlil Okafor? What's he doing there?"
7:38: The 76ers are offering Nerlens Noel, Nos. 24 and 26, and Robert Covington for No. 3. "Too much!" - my dad.
With the No. 1 pick, the 76ers select Ben Simmons, F, LSU
7:39: If Ingram had been picked, there'd be a remote through my dad's TV right now, so this is a good thing.
7:40: Why are people cheering the pick? It's what everyone expected. It'd be different if the 76ers traded up for No. 1, but people knew this would happen.
7:41: Does anyone find it suspicious that Ben Simmons is from Australia, yet doesn't have an Australian accent? I'm beginning to think that Simmons is not from Australia after all.
7:42: Speaking of which, I'm a huge of Australian chicks now after seeing Lana Golja in Worst Year of My Life Again. I never fully appreciated the accent, but now I definitely do.
7:43: My dad's yelling at Tom Penn. "That's not the 76ers' full roster, idiot!"
7:44: Lakers are running out of time. The Celtics could jump in front of them like teams did with the Vikings a few years ago!
7:45: OK, maybe not.
With the No. 2 pick, the Lakers select Brandon Ingram, F, Duke
7:46: What sort of analytics can say who's going to be the best player in five years when the best professional scouts whiff on some prospects? ESPN's analytics are dumb.
7:47: This situation is a mess. My parents' three dogs are fighting (playing?) with each other and making lots of noise, and my dad's getting phone calls every two minutes. "F*** THESE DOGS AND F*** THESE IDIOTS CALLING ME!"
7:48: "The league is better when the Lakers are good." - ESPN anchor. Really? Why? So ESPN can show us which douchey celebrities show up to the game and pretend to know who the players are?
7:49: This trade is unreal. The Celtics received countless first-round picks for decrepit veterans? How did this happen, and why didn't the NBA commissioner step in like any fantasy football commissioner would've done?
7:51: My dad is hoping for Jaylen Brown. "I watched him on TV yesterday. Unbelievable!"
With the No. 3 pick, the Celtics select Jaylen Brown, F, California
7:53: So much for all of those sources saying Kris Dunn would be the pick!
7:54: My dad has already jumped ship on Jaylen Brown. "Boston can have him. I want Jamal Murray or Buddy Hield."
7:55: "The Celtics will be a piece of s*** with this team."
7:56: My dad also likes Domantas Sabonis a lot. "He should come here so he can date Dasha." Dasha is one of my dad's dogs.
With the No. 4 pick, the Suns select Dragan Bender, F, Bosnia
8:02: So yeah, with Dragon Bender, it would be great if HBO mixed things up and killed off Daenerys Targaryen. I'm tired of her act, as the only reason she's still alive is because of deux ex machina. Outside of her looks, she's not remotely interesting. I'd love to see Tyrion try to control her army.
8:04: Rumors say the Bulls and Sixers are talking to Minnesota about the fifth pick. We need a trade to spice things up.
With the No. 5 pick, the Timberwolves select Kris Dunn, PG, Providence
8:07: The 76ers and Bulls might end up getting Dunn. Would love to see a trade announced here.
8:09: With Rubio, the Timberwolves don't need Dunn, so this pick almost has to be traded, right?
8:10: My dad doesn't want Dunn because he's crying. "Why does everyone need to cry? The Cavaliers cried when they won, and this idiot is crying now. Stop f***ing crying, you're not a kid."
8:11: A suit by JC Penny? Did Kris Dunn fall to No. 5 because he shops like a 50-year-old woman?
With the No. 6 pick, the Pelicans select Buddy Hield, G, Oklahoma
8:14: "He's so ugly. He's so ugly." - my dad.
8:16: Anthony Davis and Buddy Hield is pretty scary. If the dumb new NBA salary cap rules weren't in effect, and super teams wouldn't be formed, New Orleans would have a chance to contend in a few years.
8:17: Does anyone understand what the hell Buddy Hield is saying? I'm not trying to be funny here - I literally could not understand a single word he said.
8:19: By the way, comparing Buddy Hield to Voshon Leonard? The hell? That's like comparing Cheetos to celery.
With the No. 7 pick, the Nuggets select Jamal Murray, G, Kentucky
8:22: My dad is devastated. "Thank God we'll only see him twice per year. He will destroy everyone."
8:23: By the way, John Calipari was seen walking around, slipping $50 bills to high-schoolers, in all likelihood.
8:24: Funny comment from the board below: "'My mom who passed away, I am sure she's looking up at me.' Did Kris Dunn just say his dead mom is in he'll on live TV?" Can't believe that!
8:25: My dad thinks the Kings are a joke. "Watch, they will pick up a piece of s***. Vlade Divac doesn't know anything. He's an idiot."
With the No. 8 pick, the Kings select Marquese Chriss, F, Washington
8:27: Chriss is being traded to Phoenix. For what? Who the hell knows? Likely for a pile of celery sticks, if my dad is correct.
8:30: David disagrees in his NBA Draft Grades, but I think this has bust written all over it. Chriss is super raw and looks like he's 15. He also hasn't been playing basketball all that long. Someone like that should be chosen in the 20s or 30s. Either this draft sucks, or Phoenix is just dumb.
With the No. 9 pick, the Raptors select Jakob Poeltl, F, Utah
8:34: "They picked up him before Sabonis? SO STUPID!"
8:35: Jalen Rose, being stupid, wanting to "retire" the word "bust." So, Darko Milicic wasn't a bust? Really?
8:38: Another Star Trek movie on it? Booo. Any Star Trek movie without Captain Picard and Brent Spiner is an ultimate failure.
With the No. 10 pick, the Bucks select Thon Maker, C, Australia
8:40: THONG MAKER!!! THONGS FOR EVERYONE IN MILWAUKEE!!!
8:41: Apparently, there is speculation that Thon Maker might be 32. This is worse than the Eagles picking Danny Watkins.
8:43: My dad just called Thong Maker a "frog." I don't know if this was supposed to be racist or not.
8:44: Fran thinks this is a good pick because Thong Maker "loves to play the game?" Really? I love to play basketball. I'm also in my mid-30s. The Bucks should've drafted me!
8:45: Another Australian without a non-Australian accent. My theory is that people go to Australia just to bang hot Australian chicks like Lana Golja. If I were single, I would do this.
8:47: I think I've gotten only two picks correct thus far. Kinda like the NFL Draft!
With the No. 11 pick, the Magic select Domantas Sabonis, F, Gonzaga
8:52: We haven't posted a grade for Sabonis yet because there has been a trade with Oklahoma City.
8:52: So, the dumb Magic traded Sabonis and Victor Oladipo for Serge Ibaka. WTF???
With the No. 12 pick, the Hawks select Taurean Prince, F, Baylor
8:55: Taurean Prince...? He wasn't even in my first round...
9:00: Funny self-conversation my dad just had: "Steven Adams? Who's Steven Adams? Oh, the white guy."
9:01: The Kings are really making this pick, and it's probably going to be a horrible one if my dad is right.
With the No. 13 pick, the Kings select Georgios Papagiannis, C, Greece
9:07: My dad is laughing and shouting. "I TOLD YOU VLADE DIVAC WOULD DO SOMETHING STUPID! I WOULDN'T TRUST HIM TO MANAGE A LEMONADE STAND!"
9:08: My dad's take on the Knicks: "They are so dumb. Derrick Rose can't play. New York always does stupid things." So true.
With the No. 14 pick, the Bulls select Denzel Valentine, F, Michigan State
9:10: This makes sense. The Bulls traded a guy with knee problems and drafted a guy with knee problems.
9:11: Can someone ask Valentine why he screwed me over in the NCAA Tournament? I thought Michigan State would win the whole thing. Way to lose in the first round, bum.
9:14: Am I alone here in thinking that the Purge concept is stupid? It's just a regressive, self-hating way of thinking of humanity, that everyone would go out and commit crimes. I refuse to watch that trash.
9:16: DeMarcus Cousins just tweeted, "Lord give me the strength." Hilarious. My dad is thrilled. "That's good for the Sixers because we get their pick next year!" Thanks, Vlade.
With the No. 15 pick, the Nuggets select Juan Hernangomez, F, Spain
9:20: I'm shocked my dad is still awake. He's usually asleep by this point, but it seems like he might make it to the Sixers' 24th and 26th picks.
9:23: My dad thinks Skal Labissiere is gay because of his pink suit. "Heterosexually challenged," I told him.
9:25: I just saw this pick on Twitter, and wow... Just wow...
With the No. 16 pick, the Celtics select Guerschon Yabusele, F, France
9:27: OK, enough with the 43-percent three-point shooting for this Yabusele person. Everyone knows the French use 8-foot rims.
9:28: ESPN guy: "Yabusele has experience." My dad: "Experience my a**."
9:31: Nice job hiring Dave Fizdale, Memphis. Coaches don't matter, so you might as well pay some random dude off the street like $75.99 to coach.
With the No. 17 pick, the Memphis select Wade Baldwin, PG, Vanderbilt
9:36: My dad is angry that the Sixers haven't traded yet. "WHERE ARE THE TRADES? THEY TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE TRADES!"
With the No. 18 pick, the Pistons select Henry Ellenson, F, Marquette
9:38: Wasn't this guy supposed to be drafted like 10 picks ago? Nice job getting this steal, Detroit. It almost makes up for Darko.
9:39: My dad is overly excited about this pick. "That's the sixth white guy!"
9:42: Great, a commercial about the Cavs. As if we didn't have enough reminders that LeBron is a self-entitled douche.
With the No. 19 pick, the Nuggets select Malik Beasle, G, Florida State
9:47: Malik Beasley with the pink rose on his suit. Loras Tyrell is the Knight of Flowers, while Beasley is the Basketball Player of Flowers. OK, that was kinda corny, sorry.
9:49: How hilarious would it be if one of these computers that Tom Penn is using just suddenly crashes? It would be indicative of how incompetent ESPN is.
With the No. 20 pick, the Nets select Caris LeVert, G, Michigan
9:54: So, the Nets traded a guy who got 15-9 last year for a prospect coming off three foot surgeries? Nice job!
9:55: By the way, mind blown. I thought it was Carl LeVert this whole time. But I'm not taking any blame. What kind of a name is Caris, anyway? Sounds like a vegetable.
With the No. 21 pick, the Hawks select DeAndre Bembry, F, St. Joseph's
9:59: My dad is excited that Malachi Richardson might drop to the Sixers. "He was supposed to go 12th or 15th!"
10:01: And now, my dad is paranoid. "Watch, Boston will pick up Richardson. Because the Sixers want him." I don't know how he knows the Sixers want him, but I guess this could happen.
10:03: And now, my dad is hating on Vlade again. "The Kings will take the worst player. The worst. Who's the worst player available? The Kings will take him."
With the No. 22 pick, the Kings select Malachi Richardson, G, Syracuse
"Maybe they'll trade this to the Sixers for a second-round pick in 2045."
10:09: My dad is crushed. "There's no one left. No one."
10:11: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if my dad hunts Vlade Divac down and strangles him in an alleyway. Maybe he can get Shirtless Fish Tank Guy to do it.
With the No. 23 pick, the Celtics select Ante Zizic, C, Croatia
10:13: The only offensive highlights of Zizic show him dunking. Is that all he can do?
10:14: My dad's not a fan of Fran Fraschilla: "All I hear from him is that everyone is great. No one is bad. He loves everyone."
10:16: I can't stand it when random announcers try to sympathize with a team's fans, as Michael Wilbon did just now. "76er fans have been waiting for far too long." Come on, dude. We all supported the tanking. It had to be done, and we knew we had to wait.
With the No. 24 pick, the 76ers select Timothe Luwawu, F, France
10:18: Uh oh...
"I CAN'T PRONOUNCE THIS F***ING NAME. WHO THE F*** IS THIS!?"
"TELL YOUR GUY TO GIVE THE SIXERS A D!"
"WHEN WILL HE BE AVAILABLE TO COME HERE? 2036?"
10:20: See, Timothe Luwawu is French and has a real accent. None of the Australian guys did. Seems like Luwawu isn't just in France to bang the French versions of Lana Golja.
10:21: Loved the sign, "What would Hinkie do?" I have no idea why Hinkie was fired. He did a great job.
With the No. 25 pick, the Clippers select Brice Johnson, F, North Carolina
10:25: Back to Hinkie, he at least had a plan - and it was working! He acquired so many assets. He's the reason the 76ers will be good in two or three years, and potentially great in four or five. The dumb national media gave him so much flak, but he has been one of the best general managers in the NBA over the past decade.
10:26: Nice job by LeBron and company saying that the WNBA is good with a straight face.
10:28: How is Derrick Rose a "prized possession?" He can't even play half the season. Nice prized possession there, Knicks.
With the No. 26 pick, the 76ers select Furkan Korkmaz, F, Turkey
10:31: I'm shocked. My dad's not too upset about this pick. "I heard he's good."
10:32: Ugh, stop it, Wilbon. You're not a Sixers fan. Stop pretending like we're all depressed.
10:33: I think my dad's drunk at this point. "Sixers should trade that Timothe loser for Jimmy Butler."
10:34: Wow, that's weird. College coaches actually call NBA teams to get their players drafted? What, they can't pay NBA teams a couple grand like they do with their players?
10:35: I wonder if Skal Labissiere is looking at these foreigners and thinking in a redneck accent, "They took our jobs!"
With the No. 27 pick, the 76ers select Pascal Siakam, F, New Mexico State
10:37: "They took our jobs!" "They-too-ka-jeb!"
10:41: Thirteen of the 27 players drafted thus far are non-American born. Donald Trump will make sure this doesn't happen next year.
With the No. 28 pick, the Kings select Skal Labissiere, F, Kentucky
10:45: Hey, the $2,000 that John Calipari sent to the Kings paid off! Tom Izzo needs to match that offer to the Spurs for his freshman.
10:48: I still can't believe the Spurs lost to the Thunder in the playoffs. It's like the Spurs aged 80 years between the first and second rounds.
10:49: And, my dad is now asleep. Hey, I'm proud of him for making it through the two 76ers' picks in the 20s. I did not think he could do it, especially after dealing with Shirtless Fish Tank Guy.
With the No. 29 pick, the Kings select Dejounte Murray, PG, Washington
10:53: Nice of Dejounte Murray to wear purple slippers to the draft. They actually look quite comfortable. I think I may begin wearing purple slippers everywhere.
10:55: More Jalen Rose stupidity. How is reaching the NBA the "apex" of a profession? Shouldn't winning a championship, or earning an All-Star appearance be the apex? But hey, there's no such thing as a bust, according to him. Darko has to be thrilled right now.
With the No. 30 pick, the Warriors select Damian Jones, C, Vanderbilt
10:59: My dad, still asleep, is squirming around, appearing as though he's having a nightmare. I imagine it's about the NBA Draft, only Adam Silver has morphed into Shirtless Fish Tank Guy, and instead of Ben Simmons, the 76ers picked that Timothe Luwawu guy No. 1 overall.
Crap, now I'm going to have that nightmare tonight.
11:00: This is the end of the Live NBA Draft Blog. Thanks for reading my nonsensical thoughts! Keep checking the NBA Draft Grades for the second round, and come back tomorrow for our team grades. Follow @Walterfootball for updates.