Boston Celtics: Josh Jackson, SF, Kansas, 6-8, Fr.
I must note that this is not this Web site's real mock draft. Click here for the real 2017 NBA Mock Draft with some great analysis and breakdowns from David Kay. This is a fake 2017 NBA Mock Draft, or rather my attempt on a lighter version of an NBA mock with some horrible attempts at humor included.
For instance, here's my analysis on this pick: I don't think it's right that the Celtics were able to trade with the Nets. When a smart team tries to take advantage of a dumb organization, the NBA commissioner should step in and stop it from happening. It reminds me of some fat, 50-year-old dude who goes to a local gaming store and trades cheap cards to kids for far more expensive collectibles. It's just not a good situation for anyone except for the fat, 50-year-old a**hole.
Actually, I should probably explain this because everyone has Markelle Fultz atop their mocks. Fultz could definitely be the pick, but I don't think it's a lock at all. The top four players of this draft are about equal, and Tim Legler even said that Josh Jackson is his top prospect. If a former NBA player can think that, perhaps another one (Danny Ainge) will agree. Ainge could also talk himself into drafting Jackson because he doesn't need a guard. I don't know. That's the best I can do. Prepare for nonsense.
Los Angeles Lakers: Lonzo Ball, PG, UCLA, 6-6, Fr.
I think LaVar Ball - Lonzo's dad, in case you've been living under a rock - gets a bad rap. At least he cares about his kids, you know? He could be some dead-beat a**hole who just magically appeared into his son's life because he senses a pay day. Well, LaVar still senses a pay day, but at least he's been there the entire time.
Speaking of which, I have no idea what he's thinking with these $495 shoes. I don't think I've paid $495 for my shoes over my entire lifetime. The sneakers I currently wear were gifted to me when I bought my house in 2010. That's right - I've been wearing the same shoes for seven years, and I couldn't be happier with my footwear situation.
Philadelphia 76ers: Markelle Fultz, PG, Washington, 6-4, Fr.
I actually haven't spoken to my dad yet about the lottery, but I already know what he's going to say:
"The f***ing NBA is fixed! The 76ers can't get the Lakers pick because that motherf***er Silver didn't want the Lakers to lose their f***ing pick, because they love f***ing Magic Johnson and want to f*** him up the a**, those motherf***ers!"
Phoenix Suns: De'Aaron Fox, PG, Kentucky 6-3, Fr.
I thought that the Suns were going to win the lottery for sure when it was announced that their representitive brought someone from the Make a Wish foundation with him. Then, I remembered that the NBA hates the Suns. If David Stern and Adam Silver could nuke the Suns and get away with it, they would do it.
Sacramento Kings: Malik Monk, SG, Kentucky, 6-4, Fr.
Speaking of teams the NBA hates, it was funny that the Kings had a 0.0% chance of winning the No. 1 overall pick. It was David Stern's wet dream to eliminate the Kings and Suns from his league, and it appears as though Adam Silver shares similar aspirations.
Orlando Magic: Jayson Tatum, SF, Duke, 6-8, Fr.
It's nice that Jayson Tatum can take a break from acting to have a career in the NBA. Even if Tatum needs to take a few months off to shoot a movie, he can disappear, and no one would notice because the Magic have only one fan, my college buddy Tom, who saw me get whacked with a wooden paddle by a hot nurse in Las Vegas last summer. Yes, this seriously happened.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Lauri Markkanen, PF, Arizona, 7-0, Fr.
I'm sorry, but I don't like Lauri. She slept around with Rick's best friend and then got super skinny and annoying, and then, when she died, Rick lost his mind. Can you name one positive thing she contributed?
New York Knicks: Dennis Smith Jr., PG, N.C. State, 6-3, Fr.
I'm wondering if Dennis Smith Jr. is related to Dennis Smith Sr. Could be, but what we do actually know is that he won't be playing with Carmelo Anthony for very long. This is great news because Anthony is like that douche you play with in pick-up games who will never, ever pass you the ball, even if he's triple-teamed. I played with one such individual in college, and now he buys scratch-offs for a living. I'm not surprised in the slightest.
Dallas Mavericks: Jonathan Isaac, F, Florida State, 6-9, Fr.
Dirk Nowitzki is somehow still playing even though he's nearly as old as my sneakers. He needs to be replaced, and I can't think of anyone better than Jonathan Isaac to take his spot. Seriously, I can't think of anyone.
Sacramento Kings: Zach Collins, C, Gonzaga, 7-0, Fr.
It's sad that the Pelicans don't have a pick here, as they need all the help they can get to finally become the playoff team people have thought they'd become for a decade now. The Kings could maybe use a center of their own, though I'm not quite sure.
Charlotte Hornets: Frank Ntilikina, PG, Belgium, 6-5, 1998.
Donald Trump coined the term "fake news." I'm coining "fake name" here. What the hell is that last name? It's like someone puked up Alpha-Bits.
Detroit Pistons: Luke Kennard, SG, Duke, 6-6, Soph.
I like that the Pistons are going with a brand new logo. It's very fancy, and no one has ever seen anything like it before. I hope the marketing people who came up with that logo were paid millons, nay, billions of dollars.
Denver Nuggets: Jarrett Allen, C, Texas, 6-10, Fr.
I wish Rick Barnes were still coaching Texas so I could make fun of his ineptitude. I miss him. Every year, people thought Texas would go far in the NCAA Tournament, and every year, Texas would lose in the first round. Alas, Barnes is gone, so I have nothing to talk about here.
Miami Heat: John Collins, PF, Wake Forest, 6-10, Soph.
There are a lot of Collinses in this NBA Draft. John Collins has no relation to Zach Collins, by the way. Or, maybe he does. I don't know. What I do know is that Zach Collins is an oath-breaker, as he left Gonzaga after one year. I wouldn't even draft him in the fifth round.
Portland Trail Blazers: T.J. Leaf, PF, UCLA, 6-10, Fr.
T.J. Leaf has no relation to Ryan Leaf. Or, maybe he does. I don't know, but if T.J. begins yelling incoherently at reporters, I don't think we'll need a DNA test.
Go to 2017 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 16-30 Sorry for cutting this into two halves; I've received complaints about load times and putting the mock draft on two pages saves bandwidth.