New England Patriots (9-2) - Previously: #1 - I've had the Patriots No. 1 for a few weeks now, and even I've been underrating them. I've lost a combined five units going against this unstoppable team the past two Sundays.
I'm an idiot. What am I doing? I'm not betting against this team again. I should've known better to not fade this guy:
Green Bay Packers (8-3) - Previously: #2 - Unlike the Patriots, the Packers didn't demolish an inferior opponent this week, though they were playing on the road. Still though, the Green Bay-New England game should be awesome. I actually wish they weren't playing, as this is almost certainly going to be the Super Bowl matchup.
Speaking of the Super Bowl, what was up with NBC and Bob Costas smuggly announcing that Katy Perry will be the halftime songstress? I thought this was old news. I heard that she was performing at the Super Bowl like two weeks ago. I know Costas loves to drink fancy wine and pretend to save the world with stupid speeches, but I didn't think that gave him the right to announce news that everyone already knew about. During next week's Sunday night telecast, Costas will reveal that JFK was assassinated!
Denver Broncos (8-3) - Previously: #3 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, another win and more touchdowns for Peyton Manning. We've seen this before. Let's wait until the playoffs.
I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this quote: "Wes Welker still play this game at a high level." - Deion Sanders on GameDay Final.
And Deion drinks at a high frequency if he still thinks Welker is any good.
Indianapolis Colts (7-4) - Previously: #4 - T.Y. Hilton had a huge game. He accomplished so much on Sunday. Perhaps his greatest feat was helping me win $300. Thanks, T.Y.!
Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:
hey folowers should i tell my colts to take the hole 1st half off cuz were playing the jags lolololol
yo @ShadKhan if we give u guys a 30 point lead do u think u could still win????
hello @ShadKhan r u their??? answer me do u think were going to win by 40 today???
haha @ShadKhan is probably scared his teams going to loose by 50 lolololololol
@Jaguars tell you're owner to start answering my tweets. or is he busy flying on his magic carpet loloolollol
@ShadKhan I don't have time to answer your stupid tweets >> OOHH SOMEONES PISSY 2 DAY LOLOL
@ShadKhan And the carpet bit is offensive to me >> jk man chill out bro. i know ur carpets cant fly
hey @ShadKhan lets make a bet. if my colts win i get ur 3 wishes. if colts loose i have too grow a mustash like you
RT @ShadKhan Why would I do that? Your team is clearly better than mine. And I hate your remarks about my looks and ethnicity
HAHAHA SOMEONES SCARED THERE TEAM SUCKS AHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA
RT @NFLcommish Once again, @JimIrsay, please apologize. Your tweets are very offensive, and you're nearing suspension territory
@NFLcommish calm down bro im just trying to get 3 wishes from the geanie owner
Hey @ShadKhan sorry bro
@ShadKhan seriously tho can i get 3 wishes my 1st wish is more hookers 2nd wish super bowl 3rd wish you're magic carpet!!!!
Seattle Seahawks (7-4) - Previously: #6 - A very uninspiring win for Seattle. Sure, they just took down a 9-1 team by 16 points, but anyone with a clue knew that the Cardinals weren't nearly as good as their record indicated. The Seahawks had major problems blocking without Max Unger, which could be a big problem going forward.
By the way, is anyone else sick of idiot TV announcers saying stuff like, "OMG HOW CAN LYNCH NOT BE HERE NEXT YEAR HE IS SO AWSUM?" What should the Seahawks do, give him a new contract? Because paying aging running backs has worked sooo well in the past.
Kansas City Chiefs (7-4) - Previously: #5 - What I wrote last week:
A big statement win by the Chiefs, but they better not look past the Raiders on Thursday night, as Oakland will be desperate to finally win a game.
So much for not looking ahead. The Raiders played their Super Bowl, while the Chiefs probably didn't study a single minute of game film, as they were undoubtedly preparing for Denver. On the bright side, we'll get value with Kansas City this week.
Anyway, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!
Last week: It doesn't take much to make Andy Reid happy:
This week: Congrats to Andy for signing an advertising contract with Staples!
Miami Dolphins (6-5) - Previously: #10 - I'm not really moving the Dolphins up this much after a loss. It's more like I'm admitting that I had them too low last week. Even still, Miami led by 11 in the fourth quarter at Denver, which was highly impressive. The Dolphins probably would've won if Jared Odrick and Jamar Taylor didn't get hurt. They were missed on defense, and the Broncos really got going offensively once they sustained injuries.
San Francisco 49ers (7-4) - Previously: #7 - I know the 49ers were looking ahead to the Seahawks game in four days, but how the hell did they put up that dog performance against a team where the quarterback and the coach would love to strangle each other? Oh, and would it kill Vernon Davis to actually try? I know he has put forth no effort because he's upset about his contract, but this is just going to decrease his value in the market once he hits it in March 2016. Seriously, who's going to pay for a 32-year-old tight end who slacks off?
Arizona Cardinals (9-2) - Previously: #8 - I hope too many Cardinal fans didn't have Super Bowl aspirations with Drew Stanton, because it's not happening. It would suck if a lot of people jumped into the Grand Canyon, shouting, "BUT BRUCE ARIANS SAID WE'D MAKE THE SUPER BOOOOOOOWL!"
Dallas Cowboys (8-3) - Previously: #14 - The Cowboys barely beat the Giants, but consider that New York was playing its Super Bowl, while Odell Beckham was making the most ridiculous catches of all time, and that Dallas was looking ahead to the Philadelphia game.
Oh, and this happened too (thanks, Ricky P.):
The Giants kicked from the 60-yard line? No wonder they covered the spread.
Let's play "Why is Team X Not in the Top 10 Rabble Rabble Rabble!"
Cincinnati Bengals: Andy Dalton sucks. Does this quarterback look like he's ever going to win a playoff game?
Cleveland Browns: Brian Hoyer sucks. Mike Pettine should seriously think about benching him. He would've pulled the trigger already if the Browns were 4-7 instead of 7-4.
Philadelphia Eagles: Mark Sanchez sucks. The two games he has won have been against the crappy Panthers and crappier Titans, both of which were at home.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 13 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (1-10) - Previously: #32 - Congrats to the Raiders for winning their Super Bowl!
On the bright side, we can now bet against the Raiders freely, since they'll quit the rest of the year.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-10) - Previously: #31 - Unlike the Raiders, the Jaguars will probably try hard down the stretch, since they have young, enthusiastic players, whereas Oakland has plenty of veterans who won't be on the team much longer. That's the only reason Jacksonville is ahead of Oakland at this point.
30. Tennessee Titans (2-9) - Previously: #30 - My girlfriend, with the line of the night last Monday when the Steelers-Titans were playing, and she heard that Zach Mettenberger had gotten into trouble for sexual assault but had a big, strong arm:
"That's how he assaulted all of those girls. A big, strong arm!"
29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-9) - Previously: #29 - In honor of losing $440 on the Bucs this past week...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: It's been 12 weeks now since I've last had a drop from my precious magic flask. There was some awful play in Chicago that I must investigate. Hey, it's Lovie Smith! Maybe he knows where my flask is.
Derek Anderson: Damn it, if you started talking about the Tampa-2 to being good, I would've bet that you had my magical flask for sure.
28. New York Jets (2-8*) - Previously: #28 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the two Monday night games.
27. Carolina Panthers (3-7-1) - Previously: #27 - Poor Jerry Richardson. The Panthers were on a bye, so he didn't get to have his afternoon nap while watching his crappy football team play on Sunday:
Then again, Jerry could've dozed off while watching something even more boring, like golf or NASCAR.
26. Washington Redskins (3-8) - Previously: #26 - I never thought there was a true Redskins team name controversy until I saw this:
Please, Mr. Snyder, be merciful and end all the suffering!
25. Minnesota Vikings (4-7) - Previously: #25 - I've promised not to make fun of the Vikings when they earn me money, so here's some hate mail this week from the comment board below:
Truly, Walt very likely intentionally puts together these WTF PR's, in the ffort to cause people to freak out.
Thank you for truly understanding my passion for trolling people.
It's misinformed when people and media, Walter who likes to try and separate himself from ESPN type analysis but often does it himself, say that Brady beat Manning. Or Brady owns Luck.
No, the proper answer is, Bill Belichick owns Peyton Manning. Bil Belichick owns Luck. It wouldn't be a shocker to see Belichick being the one to slow down the red hot Rodgers. But if he does, we'll see it again - Brady owns Rodgers.
Take Belichick off that team and leave Brady, and see how successful they are.
Bill Belichick vs. Peyton Manning without Tom Brady: 1-2
Bill Belichick vs. Peyton Manning with Tom Brady: 11-5
Boom. Who's misinformed, now?
Even my ACL tear wasn't as painful as having to read some of the explanations in these power rankings...Reading some of the explanations for these rankings hurt more than my ACL tear... -- Carson Palmer
I'll make sure next week's will feel like you tore your Achilles.
You keep pointing to that single overturned kick return play as if it was the crux of the Lions loss. Ignore AZ had shut down both the Lions offense, and the lions pass rush, for 3 1/2 quarters.
You cherry pick bad calls to support your position, rather than base your judgements on the whole of what happens in games.
You are 10 for 10 weeks - "Its not what the Cardinals did right...its what their opponent did wrong".
You know I won $500 on the Cardinals beating the Lions, right? I was rooting for Arizona, yet I even recognized how awful the officiating was for the Lions. If you weren't a blatant homer, you would completely agree with me. In fact, I think you doth protest too much because you know I'm 100-percent right.
Cards at 8? 9-1 with a 2 game lead in the NFL over GB for home field (3 game lead with tiebreakers over every other team) and they are 8th? Stick to mock drafting because this site will never be anything with biasness like that... and more often than not, your mock drafts are a waste of time. Some may ask "if the material is that absurd, why waste your time commenting"... truth is, I can tell this guy pours his heart and life savings into running this site.. just thought I'd help him out with trying to keep it from going under
The Wall Street Journal recognized my mock draft as the most accurate 2 years in a row (here's the article from this year)... and I run this Web site as my sole source of income... so... lol.
That's some of the most $@!#%!~ bass-ackwards logic I've ever heard.
Where's a challenge flag to throw against these rankings?
In your vag, along with the sand.
24. Chicago Bears (4-6) - Previously: #24 - As if losing $440 on the Bucs-Bears game wasn't bad enough, I had to hear Michael Irvin incoherently shout on GameDay Final, "JAY CUTLER IS BACK ON TRACK!"
Ugh. How did I lose so much money to a quarterback who is 35-63 against the spread in his career (excluding Monday Night Football)?
23. Atlanta Falcons (4-7) - Previously: #22 - I interviewed Mike Smith following his disastrous clock management in London. I just had to check in on him again. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Mike, thanks for agreeing to the interview again.
Smith: No problem, Walt. I'm such a big fan that I don't mind. In fact, I'll dedicate five Steven Jackson runs in your honor next week.
Me: Thanks, Mike. Those 10 rushing yards will be great. Anyway, the last time we talked, you refused to kneel before the Queen of England.
Smith: And I still feel that way. F*** that b***h.
Me: You tell her, Mike! Anyway, we need to discuss what happened at the end of the Cleveland game.
Smith: Ha! F*** the Prince of Somalia!
Me: The Prince of Somalia? What does he have to do with the Cleveland game?
Smith: I hate that douche! He asked me a favor the other day, so this was my way of telling him to go f*** himself!
Me: How in the world are you talking to the Prince of Somalia?
Smith: He e-mailed me. He said his parents were assassinated, and that he needed a moment of my time to discuss how to smuggle his money into this country. He said he'd split it 50-50 with me. What an idiot! Doesn't he know that I already have money? Plus, Somalia's GDP is terrible, so he's not a good prince, so there's no way I'm going to help him. In fact, I wish I had assassinated his parents myself!
Smith: He asked for time? I'll hog all the time! I'll take timeouts whenever I please! F*** the Prince of Somalia!
Me: Uhh... Mike, I don't think that was really the Prince of Somalia. It was someone trying to get your info.
Smith: Oh... Really? Damn it. I'm going to e-mail him back then. I like helping people out with info!
Me: But Mike...
Smith: There's no time to waste! I need to help this person in need. Later, Walt!
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Philadelphia Eagles (8-3). Previously: #10
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-4). Previously: #11
13. Detroit Lions (7-4). Previously: #9
14. Baltimore Ravens (6-4*). Previously: #13
15. Cleveland Browns (6-4). Previously: #17
16. Cincinnati Bengals (7-3-1). Previously: #18
17. San Diego Chargers (7-4). Previously: #16
18. Buffalo Bills (6-5). Previously: #23
19. St. Louis Rams (4-7). Previously: #19
20. New Orleans Saints (4-7). Previously: #15
21. New York Giants (3-8). Previously: #20
22. Houston Texans (5-6). Previously: #21
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: