Seattle Seahawks (2-1) - Previously: #1 - The guy with the fancy hair making power rankings on NFL.com dropped the Seahawks six spots because they lost a road game in 120-degree heat. This is proof that you should never listen to anyone with fancy hair. Seattle had a dominant victory in the Super Bowl rematch that should've never gone to overtime.
Speaking of overtime, Deion Sanders was irate after the game. "The Bronco lost because the Seahawk call heads!" he exclaimed. No, Deion, the Broncos lost because they couldn't stop Seattle from marching down the field. It's not like Seattle called heads and automatically won. Defense is half the game, and Denver came up short. Overtime rules are perfect the way they are.
Denver Broncos (2-1) - Previously: #2 - It's interesting that the Broncos have not covered the spread in any game thus far. It's even more "interesting" - and that has to be in quotes - that Rodney Harrison called Denver's loss a "moral victory" for the team because it played well in Seattle. Uhh... what? This is not a young team like the Vikings or Bills competing in a tough environment; the Broncos' only goal is winning the Super Bowl this year, and anything else will be a failure. Thus, they had to pull out a win in their revenge game.
San Diego Chargers (2-1) - Previously: #7 - I've always thought that you can tell which team is elite if they're able to win (or cover the spread convincingly) in a very tough spot. The Chargers proved that. They had every reason to suffer a letdown following their emotional win over the Seahawks, but they traveled across the country and won a 10 a.m. game over an excited 2-0 squad that had some good mojo at home. I nearly put the Chargers at No. 2.
New Orleans Saints (1-2) - Previously: #5 - The Saints continue to have major defensive issues - how could they leave Cordarrelle Patterson so open like that? - but they're going to be difficult to beat with Drew Brees playing at a high level. That may sound a silly considering they've already dropped two games, but if you think about it, they're two plays away (Marques Colston fumble, blown coverage in Cleveland) from being 3-0.
Cincinnati Bengals (3-0) - Previously: #8 - I'm still not buying the Bengals at all, but I just don't know which other team deserves to be in the top five more than they do. Why don't I believe in Cincinnati? Let's examine their wins:
- They beat the Ravens, who were going into a Thursday night game. As any professional NFL handicapper knows, favorites playing before Thursday night have an awful track record of covering and winning.
- They crushed the Falcons, who were in a similar spot as Baltimore. Also, Atlanta was coming off an extremely emotional victory over their arch rival. Matt Ryan and company were not playing at peak efficiency.
- They destroyed the putrid Titans, who heard of their former teammate Rob Bironas' passing that very morning. There's no way Tennessee was focused for that game.
And if that's not enough, Andy Dalton will find some way to lose in the playoffs. I did not want to put Cincinnati in the top five, but considering how horribly the other teams have been playing, I didn't have much of a choice.
Green Bay Packers (1-2) - Previously: #6 - The Lions are a good team, so I'm not going to penalize the Packers too much for losing to them on the road. But seven points? This offensive line is a train wreck, and it's causing both Aaron Rodgers and Eddie Lacy to struggle. More importantly, Lacy fantasy owners are having nervous breakdowns. I've received quite a few e-mails from them who sound like they're about to end it all because Lacy can't score more than four fantasy points in any game. There might have to be some support groups for this once the first couple of Lacy owners begin jumping off buildings.
San Francisco 49ers (1-2) - Previously: #3 - I won't downgrade the 49ers too much because Arizona is a very difficult place to win, but Jim Harbaugh's teams of old would have prevailed there. Harbaugh's teams also wouldn't have self-destructed with penalties for the second week in a row. Kids, this is why you don't do steroids. Harbaugh had his players roided up in the early stages of his tenure, but now the negative effects are setting in and the players can't control themselves as a consequence.
Nevertheless, I expect the 49ers to rebound, especially when some of their missing players return to the lineup. They've outplayed all three of their opponents thus far, and they would be 3-0 if they hadn't endured complete meltdowns the past couple of weeks.
New England Patriots (2-1) - Previously: #4 - I subconsciously gave the Patriots a loss for this week before changing the "1-2" back to "2-1." It really should count as a loss. Any team that can't beat the Raiders by double digits should just forfeit their victory.
Fortunately for the Patriots, Vince Wilfork came away with the game-clinching interception. I have to believe that this chick was happy upon seeing that:
I wonder if Wilfork got to "f*** her in that p***y" - as Jameis Winston would stupidly say at a student union - a second time for that pick.
Arizona Cardinals (3-0) - Previously: #9 - The Cardinals had a nice win, but they needed the 49ers to self-destruct to mount a comeback. Still though, Drew Stanton was very impressive in the second half of that game. I'd still start Carson Palmer once he returns, but Bruce Arians won't have to hurry the veteran back now.
Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that the Cardinals met Ray Lewis' expectations. Lewis stumbled over the following early on Sunday NFL Countdown: "The Arizona Cardinals has an opportunity today to take a huge step right now, and whoever wins this game will be in sole place of second place of the NFC."
Brilliant insight. Just brilliant. I'd consider making a Ray Lewis anthology similar to my Emmitt Smith quote page, but I'd be afraid that Lewis would hunt me down and kill me.
Philadelphia Eagles (3-0) - Previously: #10 - Another fraudulent 3-0 team. The Eagles barely beat the Jaguars - THE JAGUARS LED 17-0! - then the refs helped them beat the Colts, and that was followed by the Washington game, which could've gone either way. Philadelphia could easily be 1-2 right now with its only victory being a game that was in doubt against freaking Jacksonville.
I can't place the Eagles higher than this, as they're the first 3-0 team in NFL history to have double-digit deficits in each of its victories. If you strongly disagree, feel free to leave some hate in the comment board below, and then I will proceed to make fun of you the following week.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 4 - Bottom 10
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3) - Previously: #31 - Gus Bradley has made some strange coaching decisions this season. I was curious to find out what was going on, so I sat down with him for an interview. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Gus, thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Bradley: It's my pleasure, Walt. It's still early in the season, but I'm confident my team can still compete for the Stanley Cup.
Me: Stanley Cup?
Bradley: I mean that trophy you win for winning the Super Game.
Me: You mean the Lombardi Trophy in the Super Bowl? Anyway, I wanted to ask you about Blake Bortles. You worked under Pete Carroll when he started Russell Wilson as a rookie over an incompetent veteran in Matt Flynn. It worked out great. Yet, you had the same situation when you were in charge and opted to go with the incompetent veteran.
Bradley: Who's that?
Me: The incompetent veteran? Chad Henne.
Bradley: Oh yeah, him. Here's the issue. I did some research, and Henne had a higher rating than Blake Johnson. In fact, I couldn't even find a rating for Jackson. I looked all over, and nothing. It's like he didn't exist.
Me: Where'd you look?
Bradley: Madden 12. That guy just wasn't there so I thought he was a fan trying to sneak on to the team.
Me: But you drafted him third overall... never mind. Gus, I'd also like to know why you called a timeout for the Redskins that allowed them to try a Hail Mary last week.
Bradley: Oh, was that a mistake? They said the Redskins were trying a Hail Mary, so I thought I'd be respectful and give them time so they could do their prayer.
Me: Gus, I'm beginning to think that you don't know much about football.
Bradley: Of course, I do. They kick the ball around and try to kick into the net. America just did well.
Me: Wow. Poor Jaguar fans.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-3) - Previously: #29 - The Buccaneers disgraced themselves Thursday night. Josh McCown was especially bad, which brings us to...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: I've searched all over and can't find my magic flask! Wait, there's Josh McCown! He had my magic flask two weeks ago. Josh, where's my magic flask?
Josh McCown: EeEEEEH H WEH WEIG HOWEI WEH LEW GWG ERG BAERG ERA NLEARN LERAN BKJERN BOE.
Derek Anderson: What? I can't understand what you're saying.
Derek Anderson: WTF? How much of my magic flask did you consume? You're only supposed to take a sip, Josh!
Mike Glennon: Muhahahaha! Now you see what I have done!
Derek Anderson: Mike, what did you do?
Mike Glennon: I am an evil wizard, and I have increased the potency of your magical flask tenfold. I gave it to Josh, and he imploded as a result on national TV. Now I will take over as the starter again! Muhahahaha!
Derek Anderson: You monster! Where did you hide it though because I want to be as drunk as Josh. I can't handle actually being competent for the first time in my career.
Mike Glennon: Oh, I don't know. I didn't complete enough years at Hogwarts to master the locate spell, so you'll just have to find it for yourself.
30. Oakland Raiders (0-3) - Previously: #32 - Raider fans always criticize me for hating their team, but I'm just having fun because they've been so incompetent. I kid because I love. Perhaps those fans should send their hatred toward Rotoworld, which actually showed malice toward this franchise in a blurb they posted this week:
You mad, bro? You also don't know the definition of "irony," bro?
29. Tennessee Titans (1-2) - Previously: #26 - Speaking of malicious Rotoworld blurbs, take a look at this one:
Yeah, this Michael Preston is so great that no NFL team tried to scoop him up after final cuts. Whoever's posting these ridiculous blurbs at Rotoworld has some serious sand in his vag. It's like an obscene amount that needs to be checked out by a doctor.
28. New York Giants (1-2) - Previously: #30 - If only the Giants played Ryan Fitzpatrick each week... they could make all the mistakes they wanted to and still be 16-0. Perhaps they should trade for Mike Glennon and use his wizardry skills to make countless clones of Fitzpatrick.
27. Miami Dolphins (1-2) - Previously: #22 - The Dolphins lost again, but they're still planning their Super Bowl celebrations because they beat the Patriots in Week 1. Miami shouldn't have even shown up to any ensuing games.
I have to say, it amazes me how dumb the Dolphins were for going back to a 4:25 kickoff. They have one of the premiere homefield advantages in September because it's so hot and humid during their 1 p.m. starts. Kicking off games at 4:25 nullifies that edge, so why do it? Do the Dolphins not care about winning unless they're trying to defeat the Patriots?
26. Buffalo Bills (2-1) - Previously: #20 - I tried to warn Buffalo fans, but some of them just wouldn't listen. E.J. Manuel stinks, and the team won't win with him. Yet, many Bills' backers - as well as those who cheer for the Panthers and Bengals - left me hate mail in the comment board below. How fun!
Here's some of it:
The 3-0 Teams in the NFL are ranked 8, 9, and 10 on here....But dont Worry! Walt will accordingly adjust them to 6,7 and 8 tomorrow!
If you want power rankings ordered by records, you can just go to NFL.com's standings page and sort them that way.
So, the Bills beat Da Bears in Chicago. Chicago beats SF in Cali. NE goes to Miami and gets beat down. Then Miami goes to Buffalo and gets dominated. And you somehow say the Bills aren't any good? Needless to say I'll never visit this site again. Cincinnati not in the top 5? Pitt ranked 27? You're a dumb @#$@! I'm never coming back to this site.
Nooooooooooooooo don't leeeeeeeeeeaveeeee! (I had a minor seizure trying to follow that guy's logic)
What the hell are you smoking??? Seahawks 1...Saints 5...Eagles 10... Did you just pick #'s out of a hat.
No, I fired darts at a board to do it.
How can you put a Saints team at #5 when they lost to two teams not even in your top 13? Jerrrkkk offfff
Wait, how'd you know what I was doing?
Walt is a hater of the cat team brotherhood! Bengals and Panthers getting no respect. He must be a bird brain.
Yeah I have a bias against all cat teams. Sorry.
And why dont you do us all a favor and get cancer and die then we wont have to read your @#$@ of a blog anymore.
What is dead may never die.
25. Houston Texans (2-1) - Previously: #18 - I meant to post this last week when the Texans "battled" the Raiders (from Derek C.):
Houston will be lucky to get a 16th-round pick for Ryan Fitzpatrick. What a terrible performance.
24. New York Jets (1-2) - Previously: #23 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Jets-Bears game.
23. Chicago Bears (2-1) - Previously: #19 - The Bears won, but needed the officials help them with a 14-point swing. Meanwhile, Geno Smith compiled 400-plus yards of offense against them. Blegh.
The Chiefs are out of the bottom 10, we can still make time for more Andy Reid memes!
Last week: Some of the plays took a while to get in. Maybe this is why:
This week: Andy Reid went all out to celebrate his first victory of the season. He drank a little too much, and then this happened:
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Detroit Lions (2-1). Previously: #13
12. Indianapolis Colts (1-2). Previously: #12
13. Atlanta Falcons (2-1). Previously: #14
14. Baltimore Ravens (2-1). Previously: #15
15. Carolina Panthers (2-1). Previously: #11
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (2-1). Previously: #27
17. Minnesota Vikings (1-2). Previously: #16
18. Cleveland Browns (1-2). Previously: #21
19. Washington Redskins (1-2). Previously: #24
20. Kansas City Chiefs (1-2). Previously: #28
21. Dallas Cowboys (2-1). Previously: #25
22. St. Louis Rams (1-2). Previously: #17
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: