Seattle Seahawks (1-0) - Previously: #2 - The Seahawks are the best team in the NFL, and I don't think it's even close. The Saints suddenly have a leaky defense; the 49ers are missing lots of personnel; Peyton Manning looked like he was 80 in the second half of that Colts game; the Patriots lost at Miami...
Seattle, meanwhile, took care of business and looked fantastic doing it. This is essentially the same team from last year with Percy Harvin available for Russell Wilson. It'll be scary if Harvin can remain healthy.
San Francisco 49ers (1-0) - Previously: #5 - I feel ashamed for allowing the media to convince me to not bet on the 49ers. It was an especially dumb move on my part because we've been down that path before. I'm actually convinced at this point that Jim Harbaugh pays off the media to write negative stories about his team so that they can use it as motivation. If so, I wonder how much that tabloid site that reported the Harbaugh-Browns trade got paid? And how can I get in on the action? Harbaugh, if you're reading this, I'll write that you kidnapped several players, chained them in your basement and whipped them until they bled all over your floor. Seriously, Harbs, I'll write whatever you want!
Denver Broncos (1-0) - Previously: #3 - What's more likely?
1. The Broncos had action on Colts +7.5 and did their hardest to make sure there was a backdoor cover?
2. Peyton Manning was caught in a temporal vortex at halftime and aged half a century in a span of 15 minutes?
The answer is not No. 1 or 2. It's both. Manning was caught in a vortex and aged half a century, and he made a deal to be allowed to go back in time if the controller of the vortex, a degenerate gambler, could have his Colts +7.5 wager come through.
In all seriousness, Manning's second-half performance was disturbing. If that's a sign of things to come, the Broncos won't win a playoff game.
New Orleans Saints (0-1) - Previously: #1 - The Saints spent lots of money on their defense this offseason. Perhaps they should have invested in tackling lessons.
I don't get what happened. This stop unit was stellar last year, yet it looked completely inept against a team missing both of its offensive tackles. I'm aware the Falcons know New Orleans better than any other team, blah blah blah, but that doesn't excuse not being able to wrap up opposing players.
New England Patriots (0-1) - Previously: #4 - There's plenty wrong with the Patriots. Tom Brady is rapidly aging. The offensive line can't block. The defense can't stop the run. Perhaps the biggest issue is that Brady's receivers keep changing races. It's true. Take a look at this picture that e-mailer Joe B. sent over:
Guys, I know what Donald Sterling said, but it's OK to be black. There's no reason to pull a Michael Jackson.
Green Bay Packers (1-0) - Previously: #6 - I'm not going to drop the Packers for losing to the best team in the NFL. Besides, there were many things going against them. There was the crowd noise, the Circadian rhythms, and Seattle's superiority itself. Matt Millen contributing for NBC didn't help either. Millen made his mark here, as Matvei pointed out:
How could the Packers win under those conditions? And could you imagine how brutal it would've been if Millen drew some kielbasas on the teleprompter?
Indianapolis Colts (0-1) - Previously: #7 - I can't believe Andrew Luck didn't mount that comeback. I blame Jim Irsay. Luck was so distraught that his owner wouldn't be tweeting at him over the next couple of months that he just couldn't concentrate on the task at hand.
To make Luck feel better, I've created some tweets that Irsay would've posted, had he not been banned from Twitter by the NFL:
@AndrewLuck12 WIN THE GAME TODAY GOOD LUCK!!!
@AndrewLuck12 seriously win the game today or ill cut you
@AndrewLuck12 jk i won't cut you lol
@AndrewLuck12 what are you doing
@AndrewLuck12 want to watch tv at my house after the game
@AndrewLuck12 do you like cocoa puffs or coca pebbles better
@AndrewLuck12 hey andrew i
@AndrewLuck12 srry it sent the tweet before i hit send lol
@AndrewLuck12 i meant to write an o in sorry i know how to spell sorry lol
@AndrewLuck12 serisly can you win today plz
@AndrewLuck12 WHY DOES MY COMPUTER KEEP LEAVING OUT THE OS111111111111111
@AndrewLuck12 lol i hit 1 instead of the exclemmation point lol
Seriously, how could Andrew Luck focus without these tweets in his life?
Cincinnati Bengals (1-0) - Previously: #11 - The Bengals allowed the Ravens to come back, but I feel like they would've kept pitching the shutout had Vontaze Burfict not left the game with a concussion. He's the key to that defense. Unfortunately, Cincinnati lost Tyler Eifert, which made it a Pyrrhic victory. I'm using big words like "Pyrrhic" too, so take it easy with the hate mails this week.
San Diego Chargers (0-1) - Previously: #8 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Chargers-Cardinals game.
Arizona Cardinals (1-0) - Previously: #10 - I already discussed the Chargers-Cardinals game, so here's some hate mail found in the comment board at the bottom of the page.
Wow..just a NY hater, huh? Buffalo 32, Giants 31 and Jets 30. You are so off base it's not even funny. Just proves anyone can create a website nowadays. My dog knows more about football than you do..<br />
Your dog's Web site sucks though.
Why I keep coming to this site is beyond me, the bias this site had against the Jets makes me sick. You're like Rich Cimini and Mike Francesa had a baby, and then that baby was deprived of oxygen for no less then 20 mins.
You're saying that like it's a bad thing. I'd love to be their deformed love child.
LOL Walt is 0-4 in college so far. Guy is a joke.
Up to 5-5 now. Can I still be a joke though? I like to make people laugh.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 2 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (0-1) - Previously: #29 - If Raider fans thought their loss to the Jets was bad, just wait until all of the veterans they acquired this offseason quit on Dennis Allen. This team is going to lose by 30-plus in each of its final 6-8 games this year. It'll be an epic betting experience.
31. New York Giants (0-1) - Previously: #31 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Lions-Giants game.
30. Washington Redskins (0-1) - Previously: #26 - Matt Leinart will always be known as Captain Checkdown. Perhaps Robert Griffin should be called Commander Checkdown. I'm beginning to think that last year wasn't the fluke; perhaps Griffin's rookie campaign was the mirage.
I get the feeling that we might be missing the boat on a great fading opportunity. Think about it: Griffin is so overhyped by the media. Overhyped teams/players often fail to cover, and Griffin is a horribad 3-12 against the spread dating back to his playoff loss against the Seahawks.
29. Dallas Cowboys (0-1) - Previously: #19 - Good news: I was able to secure an interview with Jerry Jones on Monday morning! Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Jerry, thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Jones: Howdy, Walt, it's a pleasure to speak to you. I've always been a big fan of your Web site.
Me: Oh, that's great. I guess I should start with Tony R... wait, what is that?
Jones: Oh these? These are Dallas Cowboy playoff tickets, and they can be yours for the fair price of $500.
Me: What? $500? Why would I spend $500 on those?
Jones: I can see you drive a hard bargain, Walt. I like your savvy. I'll tell you what, Walt. These can be yours for $250.
Me: You cut your price in half just like that? You're not a great businessman, are you?
Jones: I'll go to $200, but I'm losing money on these!
Me: How? You printed them!
Jones: $150 for these tickets. Final offer!
Me: But I have no interest in these. Your team's not going to the playoffs, so why are you giving away playoff tickets?
Jones: You make a great point, Walt. I'll tell ya what. I'll give these to you for $25.
Me: What? Didn't you hear me? Your playoff tickets are worthless!
Jones: Fine. Here's my final offer: I'll give these tickets to you as well as $100.
Me: Huh? You're giving me your playoff tickets and $100 for...?
Jones: Final offer! I'll give these tickets to you and $250!
Me: Umm... OK, I guess I'll take it...
Jones: Ha! A sucker's born every day. I mean, you made a great decision, Walt.
28. Buffalo Bills (1-0) - Previously: #32 - I didn't hear what he said, but I was told that Eric Wood called me out for having the Bills ranked No. 32. Oooohhh, Buffalo beat the crappy Bears, whoop dee freaking doo. I'll move the Bills up eventually, but only if I
see some consistency from E.J. Manuel. I don't trust him to keep playing well.
Anyway, here's a picture from @ryantalbotbills that I found amusing. Sometimes it's extremely difficult to let a player go. Goodbye, Jairus Bird. I mean, Byrd.
27. Cleveland Browns (0-1) - Previously: #27 - I couldn't find a Gong rant this week because the Browns actually played well. Sucks.
I'll use this space to discuss another AFC North team. If you haven't seen the Ray Rice video click the link to see it and read the discussion. I said it before I even saw this video: It's an embarrassment that RB Wife Beater was suspended for two games, especially when marijuana-users like Josh Gordon got 16 games. The NFL ultimately got it right, but I'll delve more into it on Wednesday on my NFL Picks page.
Before the Ravens terminated Rice's contract, E-mailer Zack D. also had this suggestion:
I'm dropping him in both my leagues and trying to persuade my leaguemates to engage in a gentleman's agreement that nobody will pick him up, no matter what. I thought I might ask you to use your megaphone to push something like this. It's a small gesture, but if it got big enough it would be hard for the league to ignore.
Love it. I feel like more leagues should adopt this rule. We actually had something similar in place in one of my leagues when QB Dog Killer came back to the NFL.
26. New York Jets (1-0) - Previously: #30 - Speaking of QB Dog Killer, I feel like this picture (from Sean M.) is appropriate after that one horrible trick play the Jets ran:
Can you imagine how sad that dog was when QBDK completely missed Eric Decker in the end zone?
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) - Previously: #21 - Derek Anderson started... and somehow won! Unreal. There's only one explanation for this...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: Where is it? WHERE IS IT!?!?!?
Kelvin Benjamin: What are you looking for, Derek?
Derek Anderson: My flask! It's gone!
Kelvin Benjamin: What do you need a flask for with the game about to start?
Derek Anderson: I need a drink for the game! I can't handle the pressure otherwise! Oh, here comes Josh. Josh, have you seen my flask?
Josh McCown: I sawww ssoommeestthinn. Annn thennn I drruunnkkss iitt hic!
Derek Anderson: You found my flask!? Great! Where is it!?
24. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) - Previously: #18 - It's going to be a long year for the Chiefs. They actually have a tough schedule this year, so they won't be skating to the playoffs once again. Derrick Johnson's Achilles injury doesn't help, and neither does Andy Reid's awful coaching. He does know that Jamaal Charles is on his roster, right?
Wait, did I just type Andy Reid? Sounds like a good time for more Andy Reid memes!
Perhaps here's the reason why Charles didn't get the ball:
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1) - Previously: #23 - I was trying to come up with what Gus Bradley was possibly thinking when he watched Chad Henne blow a 17-0 lead to the Eagles, but all I pictured was a mouse running on a wheel in his brain. Really, I feel like 31 of the other NFL coaches would've made the correct decision and went with Blake Bortles. Well, 30 for sure. It all depends on whether Bortles stole another one of Andy Reid's precious cupcakes or not.
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Detroit Lions (1-0). Previously: #13
12. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0). Previously: #9
13. Atlanta Falcons (1-0). Previously: #18
14. Miami Dolphins (1-0). Previously: #15
15. Minnesota Vikings (1-0). Previously: #20
16. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0). Previously: #16
17. Carolina Panthers (1-0). Previously: #25
18. St. Louis Rams (0-1). Previously: #12
19. Tennessee Titans (1-0). Previously: #24
20. Baltimore Ravens (0-1). Previously: #17
21. Houston Texans (1-0). Previously: #22
22. Chicago Bears (0-1). Previously: #14
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: