32. Carolina Panthers (1-9) - Previously: #32 - How bad is Tony Pike that John Fox considered Brian St. Pierre the better option? Anyone who wrote an article for USA Today arguing that Tony Pike should be the No. 1 pick in the 2011 NFL Draft should be ashamed of themselves.
31. Arizona Cardinals (3-7) - Previously: #30 - The Adventure of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask continues!
Todd Haley didn't give Jamaal Charles a single touch in the first quarter, which is part of the reason the Cardinals led 3-0. By the time it was 21-3, Charles had 10 touches for 104 total yards.
You may not have seen it, but the following interaction occurred when it was 3-0 Arizona:
Haley: I am not going to give Jamaal Charles any touches just to prove how awesome I am!
Anderson: Hic... hey mannnnnn, take a sssip ffffrom hic this fffflask.
Haley: A sip? Ha! I am Todd Haley, the master of the universe! I don't take sips. I drink everything!
Anderson: Heeyyy mannnn thazzzz nootttt cooolll hic! Saaave sommme forrrr meeee.
*** Ten minutes later... ***
Haley: Ohhhh mannnn I don't feeeeel gooooo.
Jamaal Charles: Are you OK, coach?
Haley: You'rrrre mmmy best ffffriend. I love you mannnn! Hic! Goo calllll plaayyzzzzz for yourselffff.
30. Cincinnati Bengals (2-8) - Previously: #29 - How screwed up are the Bengals? They blow a 28-7 lead because they stopped trying in the second half, yet Terrell Owens is the one to lash out on his team and demand accountability from everyone.
When Owens is your locker room leader and most prominent voice, you know you're screwed. This would be like having Bart Simpson as the best student in your class. Frankly, I'm pretty surprised that Marvin Lewis hasn't jumped off the top of Paul Brown Stadium yet.
29. Buffalo Bills (2-8) - Previously: #31 - Congratulations, Buffalo Bills! Your meaningless wins have screwed you out of landing Andrew Luck, which means your franchise has once again set itself back another couple of years!
Unfortunately, some Bills fans would disagree. Consider the following e-mail from Joe B:
I will pass along this call I heard yesterday on our wonderful Buffalo area sports talk radio show, which is hosted by a guy who hangs up on anyone that doesn't agree with him and another guy who I'm not even convinced watches football.
This was the caller's great plan to fix the Bills: Trade out of the No. 1 pick (which he claimed would be easy to do) to move down to the end of the first round, take Anthony Castonzo with our first pick, then take Kellen Moore with the first pick of Round 2.
While I'm not sure the Bills could possibly do much worse than the Maybin and Spiller picks, I still cringed after hearing this suggestion.
Sadly, knowing how inept Buffalo's front office is, Buddy Nix was probably listening and thinking, "Whoa that is an incredible idea! I hope we get the No. 1 pick so I can make this trade!"
28. Detroit Lions (2-8) - Previously: #28 - The bad news is that Matthew Stafford and Jahvid Best are both hurt. The good news is that Matt Millen is no longer in Detroit.
Listening to Millen on Thursday nights has oddly been both excruciating and very entertaining. As e-mailer Dan H. pointed out: "One of those jerkoffs on Thursday night football just called that pick an 'incomplete reception.'"
On Monday night, Millen and Steve Young got into a cat fight. E-mailer Blake E. explained it well:
After Millen inexplicably went dolo on Hall of Fame QB Steve Young saying, "There is no way you can know what is going on in the freaking locker room! You have no idea!" Mort then mocked Millen by saying, "Boomer you have no idea what is going on in the green room." Hilarious.
Meanwhile, e-mailer Mike sent over the following:
So me and my buddies were watching the Bears-Dolphins shellacking and we created a new drinking game... whenever Matt Millen says something dumb we take a shot... Let's just say we had a few... We decided to write them down and I'll show you some of the best ones... You really need a Matt Millen column like the Emmitt Smith one.
Hester false start: "They must have seen something we didn't"... (obvious fall start; even the other announcer mocked him)
"Holy smokes, it looked like he stuffed himself into that helmet."
Called Cutler: "Hot as a firecracker."
Called Benny Sapp: ?unduhphenomenal."
And my favorite was when Millen called Rod Marinelli one of the best coaches hes ever seen. Although he's a great defensive coordinator, he got Millen an 0-16 season. I had to take two shots for this one though.
Awesome e-mail - but I hope Mike didn't have to go to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning.
27. Denver Broncos (3-7) - Previously: #27 - Here are my thoughts on the Broncos-Chargers game:
1. The Broncos looked great on their opening drive. Kyle Orton took the team 69 yards down the field in just a couple of minutes, with every play being eight yards or more until Knowshon Moreno's 4-yard touchdown.
After that, however, Denver mustered just 166 total yards offense for the rest of the night. Orton (24-38, 217 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) had no time to throw whatsoever; he was sacked five times and had several interceptions dropped. The Chargers now lead the league in sacks, by the way, with 32.
2. Despite not having Antonio Gates, Philip Rivers went 15-of-24 for 233 yards, four touchdowns and an interception, which was a great play on a deep ball by Champ Bailey. Rivers now has 3,177 yards on the year, which means he's on pace for 5,083 yards - one short of Dan Marino's single-season record.
3. Malcom Floyd made his return to the lineup. He caught a score, but had just two receptions for 24 yards. Patrick Crayton (3-105, TD) did the most damage, but left the game with a hand injury after he landed oddly at the end of his touchdown. He'll have x-rays on Tuesday.
Mike Tolbert, meanwhile, had 111 yards and a touchdown on 25 carries. I like him as a runner; he's really tough. He also addressed everyone as "sir" in the post-game interviews with Stuart Scott, Matt Millen and Steve Young. I could never show that much respect around Millen (see above), so give Tolbert a ton of credit.
4. No blocked punt for the Chargers. Huzzah! In fact, Mike Scifres tossed a 28-yard pass on a fake punt in the first quarter. Looks like San Diego's coaching staff did a great job fixing this problem during the bye week.
5. Brian Dawkins needs to retire. He looks like he's 50 years old. He was beat on two touchdowns and seems like he'd run a 5.5 40-yard dash if he were asked to. That last tidbit is for Al Davis - just in case his gargoyles set up a computer and Internet connection for him in his crypt.
26. San Francisco 49ers (3-7) - Previously: #26 - Never mind. Troy Smith stinks.
More announcer ineptness, courtesy of e-mailer Richard K:
In the first quarter of the Dolphins-Titans game last week, one of the announcers gave us the gem: "The guy who may benefit the most from the presence of Randy Moss is Davone Bess, the slot receiver."
Apparantly this guy knows Moss will be dropped from another team and signed by the Dolphins.
25. St. Louis Rams (4-6) - Previously: #25 - Couldn't you just complete that shovel pass, Bradford? I finished in the red for the first time since Week 6 because of you!
More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter (the third from Wraith):
1. "Who is a Canadian? Before we played the Seagulls I asked if the G-Men needed their passports to played at Qwest stadium? LOLOL"
This "joke" was so funny, he had to post it twice.
2. "packers think they gunna sweeping us idc how bad the season going ya not gunna sweep us fact"
The "fact" at the end of this sentence just makes it even more legitimate.
3. "who going beat us this going be fun"
The missing words in this sentence can be found on a milk carton.
24. Minnesota Vikings (3-7) - Previously: #24 - I'm calling it now - Percy Harvin's migraines will disappear now that Brad Childress is gone.
How do I know this? Because the two clearly had the following conversation every week:
Brad Childress: Hey Percy, did you know that Midwich Elementary School is the best place to meet little boys?
Percy Harvin: What? I don't want to hear about this, Coach.
Brad Childress: Here's what you do. You buy lots of candy, and then sit in your car and wait for school to let out...
Percy Harvin: Stop, Coach! I don't want to hear anymore!
Brad Childress: And then when school let's out, you call the boys over and...
Percy Harvin: Ahhh my head hurts! Ahhhhhh!!!
23. Tennessee Titans (5-5) - Previously: #12 - Would you say that Rusty Smith looked a bit rusty against the Redskins? Hwa hwa hwa, I made a funny.
The Titans move all the way into the Bottom 10 because they may not win another game this year with Smith at the helm.
Speaking of Tennessee's quarterbacking situation, I was able to secure an interview with Vince Young to talk about the tirade he had yesterday:
ME: Hey Vince, thanks for joining me.
YOUNG: "How do you do?"
ME: I'm OK. Vince, you've got to tell me. What's the real story behind what happened after the Redskins game?
YOUNG: "Ehh... ehh...."
ME: Can't say anything about that? Fair enough. Do you think you can co-exist with Jeff Fisher going forward?
YOUNG: "Ahh... ahh...."
ME: What's wrong?
YOUNG: "My... my... my finger hurts!!!"
ME: Your finger hurts? Is it broken?
YOUNG: "Nooo!!! I cut it folding a piece of paper!!! It really hurts!!! WAHHHHH!!!"
ME: You're "hurt" because of a little paper cut?
ME: Ugh. Can we continue this interview please?
YOUNG: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
ME: What a freaking baby.
YOUNG: "I'M NOT A BABY!!! I'M VINCE YOUNG I AM AWESOME AND YOU ARE AN A-HOLE AND I HATE YOU AND I AM LEAVING RIGHT NOW AND I'M NEVER COMING BACK TO DO ANYMORE INTERVIEWS AND I'M GONNA GET A GUN AND MAKE PEOPLE THINK I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT BUT I WANT PEOPLE TO THINK I WILL BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND SCREW YOU!!!"
ME: Good riddance.
BUD ADAMS: "Walt. You will co-exist with Vince Young in your next interview."
ME: F*** you, Bud.
2010 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. San Diego Chargers (5-5). Previously: #11
12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-3). Previously: #14
13. Chicago Bears (7-3). Previously: #18
14. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-4). Previously: #20
15. Houston Texans (4-6). Previously: #15
16. Cleveland Browns (3-7). Previously: #17
17. Miami Dolphins (5-5). Previously: #13
18. Oakland Raiders (5-5). Previously: #16
19. Kansas City Chiefs (6-4). Previously: #19
20. Seattle Seahawks (5-5). Previously: #21
21. Washington Redskins (5-5). Previously: #22
22. Dallas Cowboys (3-7). Previously: #23